scary dreams

i had a dream last night. well, I guess it was more of a nightmare.

I was inside a building with my sister, who was only a child in my dream. There were people all around us. The people I remember most was this table of men who I think were supposed to be cops or security guards or something.

Then I was attacked.

This man threw me to the ground and held me face down with all of his might. He began to rape me while I had my clothes on and the pain was intense. I screamed out, begged for my sister to kick this man off me. I looked straight into the eyes of men at the nearby table as I screamed for help. They all just looked at me - watching. Their eyes hurt my soul more than this man who was actively raping me in their presence.

I'm not sure exactly what happened next, but I wiggled myself free. I kept thinking that I had to get a good look at what he was wearing and his facial features so I could tell the cops. I wasn't going to let another person rape me and get away with it. I can see this man's face well in my mind, but it's hard to describe his features. I think it was kind of a combination of many different faces.

Next, I was on the bus trying to get to the hospital. I knew I couldn't take my clothes off or shower. I had to get help. I had to have some kind of justice. I didn't know who to call. I was all alone, riding this bus in the middle of the night. I had no clue what happened to my sister. I kept wondering why those men didn't help me. They just sat there and watched the whole thing.

The dream ended with me sitting in the hospital, waiting.

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It wasn't until I opened my tear filled eyes that I realized I was dreaming. I'm not exactly sure what this dream means. Although, as I type about it I'm getting certain impressions.

Clearly, when I was younger I had no one to help me from the bad things that happened. I begged myself to cry out for help but nothing ever came out. Perhaps if I had, nothing would have been done and I would've been extremely alone as a young girl. It was bad enough that the "system" didn't do its job when I did finally speak out and ask for help. I was homeless at 18 as I finished my high school career and began college. What would have happened at 13 if my cries for help were unmet? I shutter to think about what would have become of me.

Maybe this dream was to help me understand that it was okay to wait for help. But my desire to get justice was there. I knew I couldn't let another person hurt me in such awful ways and not go on to live a happy life free from any consequences.

As I wrote about the section when the man is finally off of me, I couldn't help but feel like maybe I did have help in that situation. I don't recall seeing it happen in my dream, but what if God himself helped me out from that man's power? It makes sense. God is the one who stood behind during those most troubling times and helped me break free from the physical bondage of my abuser. Why would He stop just because it's a dream? He wouldn't.

I never ended up getting justice in my dream. I just waited for help from the world that never came. Thank goodness this was only a dream because I was not looking forward to being alone during the struggle again.