Tarnished Favorites

I spent the past hour deciding on a new facebook cover which was really just a procrastination of what I know I need to write here. I also needed to decide if I wanted to share what I'm about to share here or on my blog that I keep secret from the people who know me in real life. I decided that sometimes things just need to be said and sometimes the words I write speak to other people in their situations so I'm going to go ahead and share it here....

I love the pool. I've always loved the pool. I am free in the pool. All my troubles in life seem to disappear when I'm swimming laps, gliding through the water or just floating on the top of it. Being in the pool makes me feel home. My size doesn't matter. My hair doesn't matter. I move through the water with ease and all the junk in the world outside of the pool doesn't hold me back, bear me down or keep me prisoner. In the pool I am free. I've always been free. I don't remember a time where I didn't know how to swim and swim well. As a kid I was on a swim team on season and did well. We had a pool where we lived and the imagination that comes alive under water is mesmerizing. Freedom is what I find in the water.

But there's a dark side to the water too. Like everything I tend to enjoy life, a darkness creeps on the edge of my happiness just waiting for the right moment to strike. It's normally when I am most free from everything going on and genuinely enjoying the moment for what it is. This darkness is powerful and has been haunting for more than half my life. It waits eagerly for it's chance to suffocate me with its bare hands.

When I was eleven we lived in an apartment complex in California with a pool. I only remember two times we went swimming though I'm sure it was a lot more than that. Both times there were a lot of people around. My family. One time was for my sister's birthday and the other time was when my step siblings were visiting us. Each time my step father was there in all his powerful evilness. I remember swimming and him calling me over to him. The first time he just moved my suit out of the way and touched me in a place where little girls should never be touched by their stepfathers. The second time he had me against the wall and made me wrap my legs around him. Again, feeling things in places I had no business feeling. All the while my family, my mother, the people who were supposed to protect me lived their lives without noticing the darkness that was gaining control of my life. He made it look to them like we were having healthy, normal father-daughter play in the pool but the reality was he was tarnishing the one escape I had from all the other evils in the world.

Now, I try and get people to come with me to the pool so that I am not overwhelmed by the images that play in my head and the darkness doesn't overtake me. I am grateful for the voice of God that speaks to me when I'm alone in the pool, reminding me that I am safe and that swimming should bring me joy and the darkness can't take it away anymore.

But as I swam in the water tonight those movies that are on constant repeat haunted my every move. The pain that comes from my soul, from my very center is so real sometimes. The images are so vivid. The darkness waits for times like that and it makes its attempt to overtake me again. To get me to believe how it's all my fault, that I caused all the pain I feel and that my life is not enjoyable. The darkness hurls its twisted logic my way and this is when I'm grateful that I no longer fight these battles on my own.

You see, when my human memories are too much to bear and the darkness tries to find its way back into my heart, my God comes to my rescue. His Truth comes from within me and fights off the attack. He reminds me that my life has purpose and that even though my family didn't protect me, He's doing a pretty good job. He reminds me that He brought me to this place where I never thought I'd be. I have friends who love me, trust me and encourage me. Everyone has pain and I am just lucky enough to have partnered with the One True Healer who has bound my every wound and when a stitch comes undone, He's right there to repair it.

The movies that play in my head tarnish everything. Since my stepfather was in every part of my life, controlled every part of my life, and did things in every place, he has tarnished my ability to go a day without thinking of him. He has allowed the darkness to follow me into every situation, just waiting for something to trigger a memory, a crack in my defense. But there is a God who fills in the cracks and comes to my side to fight the battle with me. He doesn't take the pain away, but He comforts me when it is too much to bear alone. And with Him by my side and in my heart I am more than able to enjoy the things that my stepfather has tarnished on most occasions. Without nights like tonight though, I think its possible I would forget how much I need God in my every day moments, just to make it through people drinking coffee around me and eating ramen noodles on a budget. I'm thankful for my war partner!

Holiday Reflecting....

July 4th. The day America celebrates independence and freedom and the men and women who fight to give us these rights. A holiday for gathering together with friends and family, cooking out and enjoying the company of your loved one.

I've been having mixed feelings all day. Those emotions that tell me how much I miss my family and how I'm sad I cannot be around them for yet another holiday - they are strong. Throughout the day all I can think of is my family and since I spent Monday night sharing my story in a psychology class the wounds are at the surface - makes it just a little bit harder to accept the fact that I am spending another holiday without them. And I cried out to God about how I couldn't spend another holiday alone. No matter how many people invite me over to their homes to be around their families the pain and reality that I am without a family of my own is ever present.

But today I had a great day. I won a battle with my cell phone service provider and got a credit on my account. My friend and her two girls came over to swim and have lunch. Then we went grocery shopping together and I went over to their house to do laundry and have dinner. And we painted our nails and had a relaxing and fun day overall. Now I am home, sad that I wasn't able to tune into the NYC Macy's fireworks but happy that as I look out my window I have perfect view of some fireworks. And I'm reminded of my first 4th of July here in my new home community.

Every year around this time the hot air balloons and fast planes come into town and make lots of noise. I remember standing at my bedroom window wondering what was going on because I had no clue it was an annual thing. I remember watching the world celebrate the day from my bedroom. It had only been a few months since my last suicide attempt and probably only a few hours since my last cut. I desperately wanted my mom to be with me, to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. I wasn't sure how I ended up in this apartment, in this city, in this state. Everything was happening so fast and all I wanted was an escape.

It amazes me just how far I have come in the six years since that time. The overwhelming urge to die and the overpowering darkness in which I was held captive controlled my every thought, feeling and action. I didn't understand how my life had become what it was. I had no friends, no family, no body. I was all alone in that world. And I thought it was all my fault, everything was always my fault. Today is 180 degrees different from that time. Yes, it sucks that I can't be around family and that I don't feel comfortable around most people for any holiday but I am much better at living through the things that suck.

I am no longer living in darkness and depression. I am growing, continuously transforming from the inside out. God heard my cry not for death but for life. He put it on my friend's heart to invite me to hang with her because she too had no plans for the day and we had a fantastic time. There was no rigid structure to our day and we just did what we wanted and some of what we needed. It felt more like any other day off from work and I loved it. Of course today there are fireworks outside which remarkably bring me some form of comfort (which is weird because I've never really been one to celebrate this holiday even when I lived with my family).

Guess what I'm trying to say is that I am grateful today for the transformation in my life that God has brought over these past six years and will continue to do for me all of my days on earth. Despite all the yuckiness of my life - there is so much good and I live in the good the best I can. And with the good comes independence from self-harm and freedom from darkness!

Happy 4th of July!