Reflection on Bullying

I learned of a young boy who committed suicide due to the depression he must have felt due to the horrific bullying he was forced to endure at school. My heart broke and my eyes shed tears as I listened to the story of this boys family. His absence leaves a whole in their family unit and they will forever miss him.

This got me thinking about my own personal experiences with bullying and what I should do with those experiences. This is my attempt to straighten out some thoughts in my head and maybe make an impact on someone's life.

I was bullied my whole life. Guess that's just the reality I had to deal with at a young age due to the anger problems my older brother had. Being called names, kicked, forced to do what he said...these things were just the beginning of the life of a victim. I was 10 years old when we moved to a new city with my mother's boyfriend (who later became my mother's husband). This change in environment meant a new school.

Switching schools is always hard for a kid. You never know what to expect. You try your hardest to be someone that other kids will like but when that fails you get stuck in the corner, alone and afraid of what they others might say. It was this point in my life that making friends became too hard. Plus, when you add in the way my brother continued to treat me, I was certain that I was no good for anyone. And of course the added problems due to the sexual abuse I was victim to on a regular basis. All of these horrible things combined to make me the perfect victim for constant bullying - every where I went.

I believe it was here that depression began to sink in. I would turn to food for comfort - which only added to the amunition for the others to use against me.

At 12 years old we moved again. This time it was a whole new state, a whole new way of living, a whole new world in which I had no idead how to function. My world was turned upside down and the only thing that was familiar was the bullying. In this new world however, the bullying was much more vicious. Teams of kids would taunt me while walking in the halls or walking home. While waiting in line kids would throw things at me, hit me in the back on the knees with their backpacks - waiting to see if my knees would collapse which would only make the laughing louder. All throughout middle school I was afraid to be around the other kids. Things at home only got worse and I was for certain that my life was worthless.

Depression ruled my life at such a young age. The tormenting words of so many other people haunted my every move. I silenced myself as to not give anyone any more reason to hate me. I would leave our apartment as early as possible to avoid things that happened there and to avoid the "walking" crowd of students. I would sneak into the building and then hide in the bathroom until first period. I would go throughout the day like a zombie, just barely getting to my next class. After last period I would rush to my locker, grab my stuff and head out the door. If I didn't make it before the "walking" crowd headed out, then I would hide once again in the bathroom and wait until the halls were cleared and the busses had pulled away. I tried to hide, be invisible. But, being overweight made this difficult because no matter how hard I tried I was still in the way and still the best object to bully. Even those few people I considered "friends" would say things about me.

Finally, one morning I was listening the school annoucements and I found a way out. I was in the 9th grade and had just learned of a school were you lived on campus and did lots of math and science stuff. To this day I still don't think I was smart enough to get in and attend this school. I definitely didn't make the most of my time there. But it was God's way of giving me a glimmer of hope. I applied, got in and spent my summer at a program for "at-risk" kids and then began attending in the fall of my sophomore year.

This school was better. However, the lasting effects of all those years of bullying meant that I didn't know how to make friends very well. Each year there I had a new set of friends because for some reason I wasn't good enough to keep around. By graduation the people I spent time with that first summer had tossed me to the curb and the new ones I was trying to make weren't very interested.

The bullying I experienced during my growing up years definitely had a lasting impact on my life. I have struggled with several eating disordes, self-harm, alochol, suicide, and depression. My mind was so warped by all the things other people had spoken over me that I had no idea who I was or what I was worth. I lived in complete isolation and fear. I was trapped by the haunting of voices that said I was worthles.

Thankfully, my mind has been renewed because I have worked on it. I am in the process of learning exactly who I am in Christ and Who's I am. Even with as much of the filth that I have cleansed from my mind, I still find those little parts of my former bullies rising up at different moments. The one time a coworker isn't happy with something I've done or said - all the old voices rush back and try to torment me into silence again. I am learning and growing how to not be a victim of bullying. I have done a lot of growing when it comes to other things in my past, but this whole bullying thing is very central to the way I live now.

Growing up if we were sad because another kid called us a name our parents would say "it's because he likes you" or "kids will be kids." I think these phrases should be erased from every adults vocabulary. They only make the child feel worse for being sad that someone out there thinks less of them. Instead, we should diligently pursue teaching each and every kid the proper way to respect one another. This of course means that adults must learn how to do the same - which can be a whole new challenge.

Being the victim of an action that degrades the very essence of who God made us to be has a lasting effect on everyone. We lose a bit of our design. We must grow up and learn how to function with a piece of us missing. If we are wise, we let God restore us to a whole new creation with an entirely different and more amazing purpose. We don't have to remain the victim. We gain our strength from God and fight for what He wants to give us.

I am glad that I am no longer in situations where I am a victim. I spent many years there even after I was physically away from the situation. Hopefully, those of you reading this who are still under the control of your former or current bullies will glean a sense of hope from this posting. You can email me if you want resources to help bring you out of the darkness or just a listening ear (or eyes).

So Many Paths Before Me

Recently I've been dreaming of all the things I'd love to do personally, professionally, just for fun and just for God. I guess this whole coming up to my 25th birthday has kinda got me wondering what I want to do with this life I've been given.

I have a dream of opening a home for victims of sex trafficking. This is my biggest dream and of course the one that seems impossible. This goal of mine was given to me from God, it's too big for me to dream up on my own. I believe that somewhere down the road, this will happen.

I have a dream to live in a big city and write for a television show or a movie or a magazine or newspaper. This dream seems a little more attainable for me. People tell me all the time that they enjoy my writings. But I don't know how to go about making this dream a reality. Plus, the concerns about leaving the unbelievably, amazing support system God has blessed me with in this community and leaving all my little "nieces and nephews" make me want to stay. How do I know what I'm supposed to do? Go after a dream or just be happy with what I have been given?

I have a dream to go back to school. I want to earn a degree in writing/journalism/english. I want to earn a degree in social work and ministry leadership. But how do I go back to school without taking out more loans? How do I decide if loans are going to be worth it? How do I manage to earn this degrees while still providing a roof over my head and food on my table? I am very fortunate to not have children that depend on me but I still don't know how to make this happen. How do I keep my job and go to school for a degree that's not offered online or at night?

I have a dream to have a family. This dream is most seemingly impossible for me. Only God can make this dream come to life. Do I stay where I'm at for this dream to come true? Is moving to a new city going to help this come to life?

Which dream and goal is important? How do I go about achieving these dreams? How do I choose? I feel very trapped in my current situation. Of course I am growing in my spiritual relationship with Christ - which is always good. But my personal and professional lives just feel very stuck. I'm not doing what I love to do. I'm paying my bills, volunteering my time, and enjoying life ~ I just have these dreams and I don't know how to make them come true.

I'm standing at this point in my life with many roads before me. How do I pick which one to take? I can't let fear keep me stuck in this spot, never choosing, never taking risks and always playing it safe. How do I know which road is less traveled?

So many roads, so many options and yet how do I make the decision on which dream to go after?