Not again....

And just like that, with one paragraph, she rips me open again.

Last week, she called to see if I wanted my baby stuff...Of course I do. I didn't answer the phone, her message was just so friendly, she said "I love you and think about you every day." And I wrote on fb that even the smallest type of communication brings back those feelings of abandonment and that I hate when she tries to wiggle back in with sweet words like it's okay.

Then she sends me this message, tells me that I was mean with what I said. She tells me she's going to hold on to my stuff until things are a bit better between us. She wants me to tell her if she'll ever be a part of my life again. She just completely and utterly places ALL blame on me.

How am I in the wrong here???? How??? I don't understand it. She never hears me when I tell her. She's convinced that I'm lying about everything. But literally every memory I have is haunted by her husband's hands, arms, lips, face. Every day I experience him in some way. There's not a day that goes by where I don't remember. I couldn't have possibly made this up. I'm not lying. There's too much, too much detail, too much memory, too many times and I'm sure I don't remember them all.

But it's my fault that I've separated myself from her? I can't have her in my life. She chose him. She chooses him every day. She sleeps next to him. I'm sure they have sex. She loves him. She never listened to anything. She never asked me about him.

She wants me to think of me and her only....but she includes him. How can I have her be apart of my life when she loves him so much? He's the monster in my story. He's the one that ruined me. He took away everything and I'm trying so hard to gain it back with Christ. And I don't know what is worse, the abuse or the fact that he stole my family from me. Why won't she just leave it alone? Why must she do this? And why on earth do I let it effect me so much???????

My wounds are wide open this morning. I feel like I'm bleeding out. I just want to go home. I don't know if I can handle being at work today. I think I'm gonna be sick. I can feel me falling apart. This happens every time she does something like this. I don't understand it. It's been five years you'd think I'd be use to it by now. I just wanna go home....I need my Bible....I need that comfort. It hurts......

Not so lucky....

Had a session today....

I thought I was one of the lucky ones. One that wasn't haunted by night terrors or flashbacks. I just had my memories is all. But I was lucky because it didn't just spring up on me and I didn't wake up screaming during the night.

I thought I was lucky....until my therapist decided to tell me that what I experience every time I lay down and every time I go to bed are flashbacks. I thought it was just my sick mind, experiencing someone near me that's not physically there. I thought my memories were just coming back when I was relaxed. I thought that of course every time I took a shower I would think of this because I was naked after all. I mean seriously, not a flashbackk. I couldn't possibly be that bad off...its not that bad, I'm not as bad off as others are. I was a lucky one.

Today, I realized that I may not suffer from night terrors and I may not black out while experiencing a flashback but I definitely have flashbacks....pretty much every day. I literally feel him ontop of me, I freeze while going a memory runs through my head, I feel his arms around me, and I have to shake my head and body in order to force my head to think of something different. I do this pretty much every night when I get ready to sleep. I only sometimes have dreams about him, those dreams I normally wake with a rapid heart beat, high tempature and sweating.

I hate this new realization. The more I continue to go through this healing process the more I realize that it really is true. In fact, I think there may be more than just the one person. I remember things from before he was in my life...I passed it off as "normal kid stuff" until I watched something about an 8yr old hurting a 5yr old. Makes me wonder if those three specific times weren't maybe something more. I was so young though that its hard to remember exactly what happened. I hate that I can't remember and these new memories freak me out...what if the main person I remember wasn't the only one. What if there were more? I don't like that idea...

I hate this. I suppose though that exposing the darkness is tough. Realizing its more than just memories, but the fact that this stuff really happened....its just soooooooo hard. I get all overwhelmed and stuck in the nothingness of the dark pit that surrounds the the abuse.

I'm looking forward to just being healed. I want these flashbacks to STOP or at least lessen in frequency. It's hard...sooooo hard. My heart breaks and I my soul wounds are riped open yet again.

guess i'm not as lucky as i thought.....hmmm....sigh.

Needed to write, this is what came out...

Tonight, I came across some different letters from people. Its amazing the difference between people who love God and live for Him and the people who just believe in God.

Tonight, I read some letters from my mother. Her words are so hurtful.

Tonight, I wonder if I'll be truly ok. Will this always haunt me?

This past week, I've been intaking lots of information. I watched a special on Oprah's website where she interviewed sex offenders. I read a book about a 12 yr old who was abused at home and then kidnapped by a sicko. I read a book about a girl who just went the wrong way and was in a bad relationship (lots and lots of bad relationships).

My thoughts while driving down the road or going for a walk are consumed with the possibility that a child in those houses could be being hurt. What are the secrets within those walls? What if there's a child who is scared to go to bed at night because of the person who will visit? What if a child is being beaten because the adult is upset about finances.

My thoughts are consumed every time I speak with someone with the possibility that there is abuse in their past. What if they were raped in high school? What if their father hurt them? What if their brother let his friends use them? Its possible.

This issue is so wide spread that I don't understand why we feel so alone in it. Seriously, even know I have times where its like no one understands. That book about that little girl...her mom went back to the boyfriend, blamed the girl for having sex with her boyfriend. And yet, that little girl was adopted by a wonderful family who loved her. She wasn't completely alone. The adoptive mother was once abused as a child and is now helping others. I don't understand it.

I still feel at times like I'm never going to fully overcome this burden. Like it's always going to be hovering close by, waiting for a chance to strike and knock me back down. Like the feeling that he's near me is never going to go away. Every time I lay down to go to sleep, I feel him next to me. He's always there. Every time I go to the bathroom or take a shower, he's there. He's always there. It waits to take me. Just waiting for me to give into it again in all aspects of my life. Some nights the temptation to cut just to focus on that and not him is so strong.

I'm amazed at the fact that this is still such a horrible experience. I'm such a different person and I'm in such a different place that I just don't understand how it can control my every night. There's not a day that goes by where I'm not haunted with his presence in some way. How can he still control so much of me? Granted its a lot less than before, but still...I thought it would go away. Does it ever go away??????

Tonight, I'll go to sleep, praying he's not in my dreams. Praying he keeps his hands off of me.

Tonight, I'll end my day asking God to mend my wounds once again. The pain in my soul is too much to bear alone.

Tonight, tonight my tears flow honestly. And I wonder, will it ever go away?