God Understands

Can I just say how awesometastic the God I serve is?

Seriously! He's like the most amazing being to ever have existed. His love is deep and rich. He doesn't look at your accomplishments or wordly success. He looks directly into every inch of your heart. He sees the broken pieces and His hand automatically stretches out to begin the mending process. He sees the pain that has been inflicted upon your heart and soul and immediately He takes it upon Himself. His love is so grand that it fills your heart instantly. He nevers look anywhere else, never sees what the world sees, only cherishing your heart and who He created you to be! He sees the potential, the gifts, the desire, the passion, the strength, the abilities, the love, the whole you!

I often struggle with the fact that I don't have anyone in my life that truly understands how I feel about the issues within my family. No one in my life has been cast aside by their mother (and the rest of their family) as she stays married and deeply in love with their abuser. The family that once was mine, no longer belongs to me. He took them away from me and I'll never have them back. No one in my life has walked the same path as me - not even close. No other human being has ever been able to show me the greatness that God has for me on the other side of this. I have yet to meet a person that has been abandoned much like I have and has chosen to heal with God leading their lives. It frustrates me!!! Especially when my mother tries to weasle her way back into my life with words that hold no meaning for me. It throwns me into a whirlwind for a few days - I know this about myself. It's much better than two years ago when I lived in a constant tornado of bad days. I just need someone to show me that there's a way out!

Then, I remembered something. Jesus became sin. He didn't just die for us. Oh no. He took every sin that we could ever imagine committing (and every sin that would never enter our thoughts) and literally became them. God and sin can't coexist. God turned His head away from his Son. Jesus literally was abandoned in His last moments of life. And yes, He knew it was part of the Father's will, but the human emotions that I'm sure He felt must have been utterly horrible. For the first time I believed He felt shame, possibly even disgust with Himself at what He had become. And yet, He did it because He loved us completely. More than anything, He loved those whose sin He had become.

I've wondered before if God could truly understand I feel about things. Sure, I tell Him all the time. I experience all my human emotions while holding His hand - otherwise I wouldn't be able to resist the temptation that so fills my life at moments when my boundaries are invaded. He hears my cries and catches my tears in His hands. But does He truly understand? I decided that He does. It obviously isn't exactly the same, but He experienced the emotions. And He's seen all that has happened in my life. He was there with me through it all. Keeping me from further self-destruction and other abusers that were so readily available.

He is my other half. He's my core. He's the One who knows everything about me. No one will ever know me like my God knows me. He understands me like no one else ever will. He is my heart. He is my King. All I want is to lose myself completely in His love. I love Him so much!

Mighty Temptations

I managed to escape the pain last night. After a horrible day at work I didn't let myself be alone, or to stop and think. The pain from the morning was too much and it affected me until I lost myself in the nothingness of being busy. But the longer I sit here at work with nothing to occupy my mind, the more I sense myself crumbling. I have no plans tonight....could go to the church but am nervous about having the money for gas...though I have to fill up tomorrow anyway. Hmmm...I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Another part of me just wants to give into the overwhelming temptation of self-harm. It's everywhere! The pain in my knee from bowling 7 games last night, the pain in my hand from holding on to the ball, the soreness in my chin from so many lundges on the same leg while bowling...its so tempting! The constant flow of rubberbands on my desk and now on my wrist. The use of scissors for different projects, for the opening of boxes, for anything. Preparing dinner with knives and the heat of the oven and stove. The easy access to a lighter. I feel very weak and unable to not give in.

How do I push through this? How do I not let the people and demons of my past dictate my present? How will I feel after giving in to such temptation? Will it be worth it? Maybe for a few hours while it keeps my insides together. But once you start its hard to stop. I don't want to fall backwards. I must really have let my guard down lately if this little email from my mother can affect me in such ways. I go back to counseling on Monday - UGH! Can you imagine what I'm going to feel after speaking about this stuff aloud? Oh my gosh!

Temptation is constant in my days now. How do I distract myself. I leave work in five minutes. Blessings on my night....protection from myself....strength through my God.

Re-opened wounds....again.

During church yesterday I get all convicted about the fact that if I died today, I would leave the relationship with my family so unresolved. I figure that I've done what I can without giving in to their denial of the truth. But nonetheless I decide that I need to send a small postcard with the words "you're forgiven and loved." This postcard would have to be from Jesus because right now I am so not loving them and am having a hard time forgiving them.

Then, I'm on facebook later that night and my mother (who I've asked to not contact me in any way until she is ready to accept the truth) sends me a message. Seriously? What is her problem? She says that "through thick and thin, Tamara, I love you"..."I think about you every day." Seriously? Do you think about me when you're in bed with your husband? When you're alone at home and just want company? Did you think about me on my birthday when you were vacationing with your husband? Do you think about me when you're with the two grandchildren you love so much? Do you think about me when you look into your husbands eyes and say you love him? Do you think about me late at night, when all around you is calm and that naggy voice whispers "what if she's telling the truth?"???????? When do you think about me? Everyday? Seriously?

I wanted to scream at her. YOU WEREN'T THERE THROUGH THE THICK. You left me to find my way in a world when I had nothing. You didn't visit me in the hospital. You didn't ask for my story. You never wanted the details. You let me live in homeless shelters and the homes of strangers. You never wanted to understand what I was going through. You didn't believe me. You choose to love him and support him through his lies. You are weak. You choose to be with him because you're afraid of being alone. You've chosen a man over your daughter. You never supported me in the healing process...you were just mad because I was having trouble. You never showed me you cared. Your words mean nothing to me. YOU WEREN'T THERE THROUGH THE THICK!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to let her know that while I'm having a hard time forgiving and loving her, I know of someone who will...if she chooses. But she already thinks I think I'm better than her when it comes to a relationship with Christ. I suppose I've just allowed Him to bring more freedom into my life, more love, more truth. I know I have a more developed relationship with Him than she does, I can tell by the way we walk out our lives. You can always tell by the walk of a person, never by their words. What good would it do? Does she even think she needs forgiveness? Probably not because she thinks I'm lying...so I'm in the wrong, right?

The wounds in the pit of stomach, the ones that I recently allowed God to mend after they were ripped open, the painful ones that are directly attached to my heart and soul, yeah, those ones....they've been ripped wide open again. And while I didn't allow myself to feel them last night, they are definitely making themselves known this morning. The pain that makes it way out from the deepest part of my being, is almost uncontainable. I just want to curl up in a ball and let it take me...even just for a while. Or I could always smash it down with food. Or I could curl up in that ball and let Jesus comfort me while the tears come. It may be just me, but my body must be real in tune with my soul because I know that I can feel the pain...real pain. Just like I felt before, only at the moment I don't feel Jesus working to mend the wounds. I feel like I'm just bleeding out and its not okay.

Why does she have this much control over me? Why do any of my family members have this much control over the pain in my soul? My uncle didn't even know it was me when I requested him to be a friend on facebook....am I really that disconnected? Have they really forgotten me? Did the monster in my story really succeed in taking my family away from me? Why are the wounds so easily repunctured? When does the bleeding stop?

I wish there was just one person in my world that could truly understand what I'm going through. One person that has overcome and is living into their full potential. One person that has been abandoned by their family so they could keep the vilian and yet has found complete healing in Christ and has gone on to be healthy all around. Just one. Is that too much to ask for? Just one person to offer their support. To show me that the light I dream of is truly out there for me. That I'm strong enough to do this with Christ living inside of me. Just one person. Just one.

How do I go through my day? I'm so not fake anymore, I can't just pretend I'm okay at this point. It hurts too much to shove back down and turn on my happy face. I just want to curl up and let the tears come and feel the pain with Jesus...letting Him heal the wounds again.

So many questions. So much pain. So much confusion. So much shame. How do I get through the day?

Just Felt Like a Small Update

Wow, March 1st, 2010 already. It amazes me at how faithful God is.

I don't have much to say on here. Life has pretty much been smooth sailing. I've gotten a deeper look at how much love God has for His children. I have also been overcome with strong emotions - a small sample of the pain He feels when His children are hurt. My heart has been going deeper with Jesus and I'm beginning to truly fall in love with Him.

Being a human and being in love with the idea of love has gotten in my way of actually loving my Jesus. I listen to my friends who have decent, if not wonderful, relationships with their husbands and I know that I am in no position to be in that type of relationship right now. My mind is filled with just having a man to be my life's partner, but my heart and soul knows that my life partner is Jesus.

And so during this Lenten season, I am focusing on Him and not the "day dreams" of being in love with a man. I want to be in love with God. I want Him to be all I need to be happy. Once my heart is that lost in Him, I know the "desires" of my humanness will be met in such an abundant way.

I'm also going deeper in my walk of faith. Taking small steps that are actually gigantic steps in my mind. I want to just follow His direction and let Him take care of the outcome. Whatever step I take, He needs to be the One to tell me to take it. All I can control is my obedience and He will do the blessing (whatever that looks like) afterwards.

I am loving 2010 so far. Sure there's things that I wish I had in my humanness but these past two months have been such an amazing journey with my God that I wouldn't change anything - expect how much time I spend with Him.