This past holiday week I have had many messages from God. Please be patient as I attempt to portray what has been swirling around my heart for the past week through written words.
Last Monday, I went to chruch to help set up the stage for our new Advent series. This was a time of fun and laughter with some great creative people I have the honor of knowing. At the end of the night, I was given a 5 1/2 foot tall Christmas Tree for my house (this was a tree that had been donated last year and was not being used this year). I brought it home and immediately put it up. I used lights, a few ornaments and the angel topper that was given to me last year by a few of my lovely coworkers. I used tinsel that I bought last year. I even used some ornament bulbs that I had taken home from a Christmas party I attended 5 years ago. As I sat there, in the dark room with the tree glowing all different colors, lights reflecting off of the ornaments, my heart was filled to overflowing with the love of God. Thinking of all the people that have played a role in the ongoing journey of getting a tree for my home, I was consumed with the love that flowed from them to me. God whispered to my heart, as I sat there with the wonderment of a child, "Christmas is good, Beloved. Christmas is good."
I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that holidays, especially Christmas, could be good again. I was brought back to the holidays before my brother started having behavior problems, before my parents hated each other, before the sexual abuse started and before we moved to a new city, before the bullying started and before I was lost in depression, before I spent my days cutting my own skin, before all the suicide attempts, when Christmas and holidays were good. Experiencing the holidays like a child, that's what this year is going to be about. It's going to be about the now and the hope of the future. It's going to be about making handmade gifts - maybe not perfect, but definitely made with love. It's going to be about helping those who need help and loving those who have no one to love them."Christmas is good, Beloved. Christmas is good."
Fast forward to Thanksgiving Day...It's been 6 years since I've lived on my own for Thanksgiving. This year, I was determined to not spend the day feeling lonely and sad because I was unable to be with my blood family. Afterall, they are not that healthy to be around and I haven't spent a holiday with them in a very long time. I figured I would do all I could to not be alone on Thanksgiving. I was blessed, because I got the opportunity to spend the morning delivering dinner to seniors who had no where else to go and are homebound. I even had a few left over dinners and was given permission to give them to any one I saw who was in need of dinner. I gave them out to a few seniors and then dropped off dinner to a family of 4 who were not able to have a "Thanksgiving Day Dinner" with the rest of their family. Two of the seniors gave me "thank you" cards. They both expressed how appreciative they were for the meal and the driver. I realized, through one man's words, just how blessed I truely am and how not alone I actually am. I was given a glimpse into what true loneliness is and I am so grateful that I was invited to spend Thanksgiving with several friends and that I had the ability to choose how I spent my holiday.
After delivering dinners, I got in my car and headed down to visit a dear friend and her daughters - who have become like family to me over the past 6 years that I've known them. I had a wonderful weekend, just enjoying time with people who love me for me and who always know how to make me loved so completely. Watching my "nieces" grow up has been fun because they have a true childhood and I am so happy that they are able to experience their youth without growing up too fast or being abused. Being a part of their lives as "Ti-Ti" has been one of the most amazing experiences in my life. I am sad that I am not apart of my blood niece and nephew's lives like I am for all the little ones that call me "Ti-Ti" but I am determined that one day, my brother and sister and I will be reunited and happy again...one day. And I can be an aunt to my niece and nephew (and anymore that come along in that time). I definitely enjoyed being "Ti-Ti" with them again!
Of course, I stayed a few hours longer than I had originally planned, but it was all good because I still got home safely. Throughout the drive, I listened to a few cd's from when I was younger. I had to use my portable CD player because I have lost my mp3 player, but it turned out to be a great thing. I rediscovered a few songs that got me through so much turmoil when I was a pre-teen and teen. I was able to think back on those times with these songs and I am so glad to be alive today. One of the songs is "Alive" by Jennifer Lopez. This is a song she wrote for the movie Enough, where she plays a woman in an abusive relationship who discovers her strength and fights for her freedom. In this song, she talks about being "happy just to be me and be alive." This song got me through such pain and struggle. And this line, is so true to me today because through everything I have been through and probably everything that is to come, I am happy to be me and be alive!!!
What a week of learning and discovering this has been! I am happy with where I am at and I am looking forward to experiencing a good Christmas again.
Merry Christmas!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Thoughts of My Mother Part 2
Last week I wrote about my mother. I wrote about her as the little girl who was betrayed and abandoned by the person she needed to be perfect enough to protect her. Thinking about my mother from the perspective of her little girl, I was hurt, angry, confused and lost. Then, God began to do what only He can do....
Thoughts of my mother sadden me. A woman so broken by the world, unable to escape the darkness. Lost in a world of plastic happiness with the weight of unbearable truth on her shoulders. A forced smile upon her face and a heart with many holes.
Thoughts of my mother break my heart. A young single mother of three small children. Struggling to pay the bills and put food on the table. Walking and taking the bus to her destinations. The stress of keeping a roof over her children's heads. Working any job she could find. An ex-husband who treats her like dirt and a son with behavioral and mental difficulties. A woman without true friends to hold her up during difficult times.
Thoughts of my mother make me want to open my arms. A little girl with a father who abandoned their family. A little girl teased by her siblings and probably others. A little girls who's story is so hidden behind the forced smile. A young teen caught up in the world. A very young mother who felt she had no choice to end a pregancy. A teen trying to find her place in a great big world.
Thoughts of my mother help me understand. She has her own walls too. She needs forgiveness and compassion. She is simply a woman guarding her heart towards the things that are too painful. A woman who has yet to discover the courage within her to face the darkness and overcome with Christ. A woman who has done her best to survive the schemes of hell.
My mother: a soul on a journey.
I may not be completely unhurt by the choices made by the woman I have described, but I now see her as more than just the person who hurt me. She has become a real soul with a real story and a real desire for Christ. I may not be ready at this time in my life to begin a relationship with this woman, but I am learning to forgive her and understand the brokeness that has led to decisions she has made in her life that have affected me. I'm learning to see my mother through the eyes of God and for that I am grateful. The hurt she has caused in my life is no longer about how "bad" I am/was but about how broken her soul is. I don't know everything about this woman and where she is with Christ but I can see the love God has for her and I can feel how deeply He desires her to find the true freedom in her life. I love my mother and I desire to be the woman of God she can look to for support on her journey. One day I pray that to be the case in our relationship. Right now, I pray from afar and I forgive her for the decisions she made. I pray that she can forgive me for any hurtful things I may have said in my pain and that one day she finds the courage to face the darkness of lies and come to the light of truth.
Thoughts of my mother sadden me. A woman so broken by the world, unable to escape the darkness. Lost in a world of plastic happiness with the weight of unbearable truth on her shoulders. A forced smile upon her face and a heart with many holes.
Thoughts of my mother break my heart. A young single mother of three small children. Struggling to pay the bills and put food on the table. Walking and taking the bus to her destinations. The stress of keeping a roof over her children's heads. Working any job she could find. An ex-husband who treats her like dirt and a son with behavioral and mental difficulties. A woman without true friends to hold her up during difficult times.
Thoughts of my mother make me want to open my arms. A little girl with a father who abandoned their family. A little girl teased by her siblings and probably others. A little girls who's story is so hidden behind the forced smile. A young teen caught up in the world. A very young mother who felt she had no choice to end a pregancy. A teen trying to find her place in a great big world.
Thoughts of my mother help me understand. She has her own walls too. She needs forgiveness and compassion. She is simply a woman guarding her heart towards the things that are too painful. A woman who has yet to discover the courage within her to face the darkness and overcome with Christ. A woman who has done her best to survive the schemes of hell.
My mother: a soul on a journey.
I may not be completely unhurt by the choices made by the woman I have described, but I now see her as more than just the person who hurt me. She has become a real soul with a real story and a real desire for Christ. I may not be ready at this time in my life to begin a relationship with this woman, but I am learning to forgive her and understand the brokeness that has led to decisions she has made in her life that have affected me. I'm learning to see my mother through the eyes of God and for that I am grateful. The hurt she has caused in my life is no longer about how "bad" I am/was but about how broken her soul is. I don't know everything about this woman and where she is with Christ but I can see the love God has for her and I can feel how deeply He desires her to find the true freedom in her life. I love my mother and I desire to be the woman of God she can look to for support on her journey. One day I pray that to be the case in our relationship. Right now, I pray from afar and I forgive her for the decisions she made. I pray that she can forgive me for any hurtful things I may have said in my pain and that one day she finds the courage to face the darkness of lies and come to the light of truth.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Thoughts of My Mother Consume Me
Thoughts of my mother consume me. Thoughts about what I'm missing. This hole in my life that can never be filled - though I try. I'm reminded of how God loves me and how He adopted me into His family - yet the sadness of not having my mother in my life is overwhelming. I cling to the knowledge that I belong in God's family and He only wants what is best for me - otherwise I am sure to drown in the ocean of despair and run back to a family that broke me so completely.
Thoughts of my mother bring pain. The tears that drop from my face onto my hands take me by surprise as I replay the very few sweet memories of my life with her. And then the gates break loose and I can't stop them anymore as my memories turn bitter. The memories all spin together and I find myself struggling to hold on to the promises of my Heavenly Father.
Thoughts of my mother break my heart. I can't focus on anything else. I discover that my sister is now married and I'm thrown into the fact that my mother will never know when I'm married. She is not apart of the bright future I know is waiting for me. The day everything changed and I stood alone on the side of the road with no where to go comes rushing to the front of my mind. I am flooded with the pain as she tells me she will not make her husband leave and in that moment she chooses to abandon me for the person who tore me apart at such a young age.
Thoughts of my mother make it hard to breathe. And in these times when the pain is intense, I want nothing more than to be held by my mother, secure in the arms of the person who, at one time, was the safest person in my world. Yet here I am, alone and unable to trust anyone to come in - afterall the wonderful women God has given me are simply not my mother and I am not their daughter. As I struggle to catch my next breath, I say my breath prayer: "Perfect Protector, hold my heart, Perfect Father, hold me close."
Thoughts of my mother make everything seem wrong. Why can't I have my mother? Aren't I the victim in this situation? Why am I being punished? What is the purpose in this? How can I want something that is obviously a negative thing in my life? How did I get here?
After an unmeasurable amount of tears dropping from my eyes, I am so broken and raw, alone and vunerable. My Heavenly Father speaks to me: "Beloved, I know what it is to be abandoned, hated and turned against. I understand the feelings of grief that consume you right now. I promise that I have plans for your future and they are full of hope. My darling daughter, I have your heart in my hands and I am your Restorer. I will continue to guide you on your journey and I will not let you drown. You are my Beloved and I love you. Fill your heart with me and I will always be there."
Thoughts of my Father make things seem right. This windy, narrow path filled with life and joy is the one I will stay on. Though I stumble, He is there to catch me. In the quietness of my broken soul, He continues a good and perfect work. And while I think of my mother, He holds me while the tears flow. He promises me a future where today's pain has purpose and though I can't see it, I trust in what He says.
Thoughts of my mother consume me.
Thoughts of my mother bring pain. The tears that drop from my face onto my hands take me by surprise as I replay the very few sweet memories of my life with her. And then the gates break loose and I can't stop them anymore as my memories turn bitter. The memories all spin together and I find myself struggling to hold on to the promises of my Heavenly Father.
Thoughts of my mother break my heart. I can't focus on anything else. I discover that my sister is now married and I'm thrown into the fact that my mother will never know when I'm married. She is not apart of the bright future I know is waiting for me. The day everything changed and I stood alone on the side of the road with no where to go comes rushing to the front of my mind. I am flooded with the pain as she tells me she will not make her husband leave and in that moment she chooses to abandon me for the person who tore me apart at such a young age.
Thoughts of my mother make it hard to breathe. And in these times when the pain is intense, I want nothing more than to be held by my mother, secure in the arms of the person who, at one time, was the safest person in my world. Yet here I am, alone and unable to trust anyone to come in - afterall the wonderful women God has given me are simply not my mother and I am not their daughter. As I struggle to catch my next breath, I say my breath prayer: "Perfect Protector, hold my heart, Perfect Father, hold me close."
Thoughts of my mother make everything seem wrong. Why can't I have my mother? Aren't I the victim in this situation? Why am I being punished? What is the purpose in this? How can I want something that is obviously a negative thing in my life? How did I get here?
After an unmeasurable amount of tears dropping from my eyes, I am so broken and raw, alone and vunerable. My Heavenly Father speaks to me: "Beloved, I know what it is to be abandoned, hated and turned against. I understand the feelings of grief that consume you right now. I promise that I have plans for your future and they are full of hope. My darling daughter, I have your heart in my hands and I am your Restorer. I will continue to guide you on your journey and I will not let you drown. You are my Beloved and I love you. Fill your heart with me and I will always be there."
Thoughts of my Father make things seem right. This windy, narrow path filled with life and joy is the one I will stay on. Though I stumble, He is there to catch me. In the quietness of my broken soul, He continues a good and perfect work. And while I think of my mother, He holds me while the tears flow. He promises me a future where today's pain has purpose and though I can't see it, I trust in what He says.
Thoughts of my mother consume me.
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