Wow, its been quite a while since I've updated this blog. I really should do more writing here, but I sometimes forget about it...I'll try to change that.
Since the last post, I have not spoken with my mother at all. In fact I missed my niece's birthday parties because my mother attended them. And my sister hasn't spoken to me in a while, not even responding to my text messages. I hope she's not mad at me, but what can I do? I couldn't make it out there, which seemed to be perfect since our mother was there anyway. I'm starting to lose faith that my sister and I will ever really be sisters again. She cares too much for my mother and even my stepfather. Its not like I hate them or wish bad things upon them, but they've hurt me in ways that should never had happened. Anyway, I'm losing my family to the darkness that lives in my stepfather....actually I'm just coming to accept that this is what's being going on since I was 10 years old.
I've really been growing with Jesus since my last post as well. I've been seeking His face when it comes to the reality of my past. I've been open and honest with my therapist and my Pastor (who is meeting with me for Spiritual Direction once a month!). I bring my thoughts and feelings right out and listen to the truth that comes from the inner being of those in my life who's input I value. The other day I picked up a book, Lady in Waiting, at the Christian bookstore. As I was reading it, Matthew 19:29 was brought to my attention.
This Scripture speaks to the fact that those who leave/sacrafice family, fields and houses to follow after God, will receive 100 times more than what they gave as well as the most amazing gift of eternal life! I began to weep over this promise. I left my family. I was homeless for a year. I had no roots anywhere. I followed after Him, towards freedom and healing and wholeness. I believe He has already given me back the friends that I have lost (that weren't really friends anyway), and I hold onto the promise that I too will have a family. I know that this family will come when I'm completely lost in God and I am whole enough to love someone back.
Another amazing thing I've recently let penetrate my heart is the lyric from Desert Song: "No weapon formed against me shall remain." I never really got this before. But as we sung it at church on Sunday, I realized that this means things from the past as well. The biggest weapons formed against me are sexual abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, and verbal abuse. I grew up believing that I was nothing but something to be used, something to serve someone else. That's all I was. But now I know that these weapons of the enemy are no longer in my life. Sure the memories are there and the pain is real, but the actual amo of these weapons dried out a long time ago. While they did do major damage on my soul, I am now under the care of the greatest War Doctor ever! He knows just how to mend my wounds and to make me new!
Well, yesterday I went for volunteer orientation at a therapuetic riding center! Today is my first day on the job. I get to go there tonight after work and help out. I'm pretty much stoked! I'm not around horses very often, so I'm looking forward to learning more about horses and working with special needs individuals. I'm also intriqued by how God will work in me and what He will teach me while I partake in this adventure!
I'm also taking a class at our Midweek Experience night at church. Old Testament Challenge...which I must say, I'm already loving! I'm taking the whole month of October and devoting myself to God. I want to grow and learn and fill myself back up before I give out more. I think working with the horses will actually be a filling up process. I also am going on a personal retreat in October and taking off a week and a half from work! This month I'm focusing on my spiritual connection with my Father and filling up my soul and heart to overflowing that way I can live from the overflow once again! yay for overflow!
Okay, I promise to try to remember to update this blog more often. Not like too many people read it anyway. Have a great Tuesday everyone!
