Learning from Youngins...Again

Let me share with you the thoughts running through my head over the past several weeks. 

I have this amazing privilege of being trusted to care for the child of various families. And, for some unknown reason, these children love having me around and I love caring for them. These little souls are constantly teaching me what it means to have childlike faith and to put God first in all I do. The wonder they have when they look upon the world and the determination they show when they face an obstacle is contagious. They teach and remind me of what's most important in life every time I'm around them. 

All of the children reach into my soul this way. They test me and help me grown in patience, kindness, determination, love, choice-making, and even fear. Yup. Fear.

As a kid, I grew up with a lot of fear. Many of you reading this know parts of my past. As I continue on the healing journey, I learn of more darkness and fear that gripped the heart and spirit of that little girl so many years ago. Even as an adult fear controls my choices. Sometimes its for the best and sometimes it is to my detriment. These children teach me how to face fear head on and to overcome even when my legs are frozen and voice is shaking. 

A few weeks ago, I was putting a few of these little to bed. As I pat the back on the eldest child, I looked upon him and was overcome with a sense of safety. Though I cannot determine that he will never face harm, I knew, at that moment, he was safe. His siblings were safe. I was safe. No one and no thing was going to harm this beautiful, innocent child. He has parents that provide for his needs. So much so that he is determined to make sure life is "fair" and that he wins and succeeds at whatever he puts his mind to. The kicker, every adult in this child's life will always be there to support him. Through thick and thin, better or worse. He is safe and is providing safety for his younger siblings. This child does not live in fear. He faces fear head-on, even when it is scary. 

Then, this past weekend, I had the opportunity to go to a 1 Direction concert. I took three young girls and we sat among thousands of other young girls (and some guys) as they experienced the best night of their young lives. My heart was overwhelmed with a sense of fear for these young people. In my heart of hearts, I knew that many, many, many, of these young people were not safe. They'd go home to fear-driven lives. Perhaps, even before coming to the concert they had been hurt by someone they were supposed to trust. Maybe they were struggling with depression or self-harm. I found myself struggling with my human instinct to judge the families who spent thousands of dollars on floor seats while I sat in the upper section. I was challenged to look upon these girls and feel sorry for the little girl who never got the opportunity to attend a concert. As I watched the young girls I brought with me, I just knew they were making memories to last their entire lives. They were experiencing something wonderful. All of the young girls in that field were happy and carefree for at least three hours. But, I had no idea what they may be going home to and what they'd have to face in the car ride home. 

See, constantly learning and being stretch by young people. I am beyond grateful for the life I have now. I am safe now. I no longer go home afraid of what may happen. I provide for myself...well, God provides for me...and I do not fret over having enough to eat. As an adult, I have this amazing position with the young people I am around. I get to be the non-parent that kids talk to about life. I get to be an example of what it means to live courageously and follow the path laid before me. I get to be "Ti-Ti" to more young people than I could have ever imagined. Some of these children will need an advocate, a voice and a comforter. But all of them will be safe with me because I am now safe. No matter what - I am available when they call and do not judge. They can talk or text or type or scream or write or sleep or cry and I will listen, respond, comfort and pray. 

To the young people in my life reading this: Know that I am always here. I have experienced more than you think possible. You are safe in my presence. I know how hard it is to trust someone but you do not have to face the world alone. Parents might not understand but I am so glad they trust me to be a sounding board and listening ear for you. Whatever you need, I'm here, whenever and always. Be strong. Be courageous. You are worth it. You are amazing. You can do this thing!!!

Life-Long Beliefs....Broken

Let's be honest for a moment.

I learned, long ago, that I was in this world alone. No one was going to come and rescue me. No one was going to provide for me. No one was waiting for my phone call. No one was going to protect me. No one was going to be there when I most desperately needed someone.

I learned quickly to be an independent individual, relying on people as little as possible. This of course was difficult as a child, but by the age of 8 I had a pretty strong grasp on how to care for myself and my siblings. By the age of 9 I was traveling several miles to and from school in various routes and with various younger people. At 13, I made my own schedule, pleasing as many people as I could within a 24 hour period. I knew the bus routes, train schedules, and backways to and from places I needed to be by age 15. By the time I was 18, I knew how to seek help from homeless shelters, talk my way out of several types of not-so-great situations and pay bills on time. At 19, I had my very own apartment, was working several jobs, and went to college.

An independent woman. Not needing anything from anyone. I knew what I had to do and I did it. I survived. I made it happen. No one came to help me. Sure people were there, cheering me on, being an option for transportation or shelter every once in a while. But still, it was all on me to survive.

Then. Came. Tonight.

My independent background kicked into hyper gear when my car suddenly made a horrible noise and stopped working. Even once shifted into park, my car was rolling down the hill. I had two teens in my car. What was I to do? I was stranded on the side of the road, not expecting this to happen tonight, with two kids, and no money to pay out big bucks for fixing or for a new vehicle. I pulled myself together, couldn't let the kids see the tears building behind my eyes or the fear that pulsed through my veins. I made a phone call.

Not only did my mechanic friend answer the call, he left work early, walked me through the process, sat with me while we waited for the tow truck, bought me something to eat, and than worked on my car for several hours. His wife, being the amazing friend she is, had no problem letting him drop his husband/father duties for the night to come to my aid. As he worked on the car, I got to hang out with two awesome kiddos.

As I reflected on everything that was happening, I was overwhelmed with emotions I had never felt before and thoughts that had never entered my mind before. Someone had dropped their responsibilities to be there when I need them. Someone had chosen to come when I asked for help. How had this happened? No one has ever done that type of thing for me before. Every time I've reached out to someone in the past, it has not ended well.

The message I received from every previous attempts at asking someone for help in an "emergency" type of situation has been: "You are not worthy of my time. You are not important to me. Figure it out yourself. Don't bother me." And yet, here, tonight, on the side of the road, a man placed in my life (only by God's perfect design), by simply answering the phone and showing up, has shattered that message. He and his family have shown me what it means to have people that I can count on when it matters most.

I'm not saying my fears about people are fixed or the long-time, misguided beliefs are just gone all the sudden. That's just not plausible. But today, I was overcome with the knowledge that those beliefs are not from God and that God has placed people in my life to break those old beliefs. Tonight, I was not in someone's way, I was not an inconvenience, I was not alone. Someone cared enough about me to not leave me on the side of the road to figure it all out by myself. Tonight, I had someone.

And while he may never read this and never know just what an impact his actions had on my life-long held misconceptions about life and people, I will never forget. Tonight, and from this moment on, I will remember his actions and how he, and his family, was there for help. Even the little one who was so excited to help his daddy fix my car. This night, will not be forgotten, and for completely different reasons than my car breaking down.