A Week of Story Sharing

Wow, what an incredible week it has been already. Some of you may know that I've spent the last few nights sharing my story with a friend's developmental psych classes. I was nervous at first because my story is not for the lighthearted. I even attempted to write out note cards - note to self: you can't share your life on note cards. I am in awe of how well this week has gone.

During the three nights my story was pretty much the same (not like it could change). I started from birth (thankful I only have 25 years to share) and told stories of what my life was like. From an alcoholic, druggie father to the anger-filled, violent brother I lived with. I shared stories of my experiences with being the victim of intense bullying and sexual abuse. I described my struggle with eating disorders, self-harm and suicide. I shared my desire for something better and how my family responded to the sexual abuse confession and how I spent my 18th year homeless. Then, I shared with the class about my desire to get help and about how Mercy Ministries helped me get my life back and how I learned to have hope for what my life could be like. I shared with them the incredible greatness of my God and how He looked out for me during all those years because without Him, I wouldn't have a story to share. And I explained that I still struggle with life, with eating, with self-harm, with memories and abandonment of my family, but that it is so much better now than it was. And that I now have a desire to continue with my life and find out what comes next! Then, I opened it up to questions and after questions I told them I'd be up front if anyone wanted to talk or wanted to request a Mercy For book.

The first night, I had a few young women come up to me and confess that they too struggle with self-harm and sexual abuse. I gave away what books I had and took names of those who wanted some so that I could get the books and send them back with my friend the instructor. I had a lady who was just in awe when I shared that my abuser was a minister who came up and thanked me for sharing my story. She gave me the number to her church's prayer line and we exchanged info. What really touched me was a girl my age who came up to share her story with me. She showed me the scars on her arms, which she keeps hidden from the world, and basically begged to be listened to. We talked for quite a while but had to leave the room eventually. I gave her the books she wanted, we exchanged information and we parted. I will forever keep her in my heart and prayers and I really hope she continues to reach out to me for friendship and encouragement. If not, I pray that she remembers the strength she has had so far and that she learns just how precious she is.


The next night it was a small class again. I had a few people thank me for coming and sharing my story with them. Afterwards, I exchanged info with a few people, letting them know that I'm totally open if they'd like to talk with me for any reason or if they have any questions. Then I had one lady who's daughter has a friend who is in a bad place. I gave her the book I had and told her to give it to the woman. If she wants help, we can help her but until then she will continue to stay in that unhealthy relationship. I will keep this woman and those around her in my prayers for safety and courage to step away from the relationship.


Tonight, the last night, was in front of a big class. This time I had a gentleman come up and thank me for sharing my story. Then he encouraged me to keep moving on and growing. This was wonderful because he was very sincere and I knew that he cared about the women in his life. I also had a woman come up and thank me for sharing. She said that she knew how hard it was and disclosed to me that she had been raped recently. She didn't want to talk much and I asked her if she was receiving help and if she needed anything. She said she was getting help and walked away. This woman, I will carry in my heart forever for she deserves to know that she too is strong and courageous and will one day share her story.


One of the highlights of this week was that a person in the class knew me from before my time at Mercy. She came up to me and gave me a huge hug and told me how she remembered me from before and how well I hid everything that I was going through. She remembers when I disappeared (because I told NO ONE that I was leaving for Mercy, I figured people didn't care about me at all at that point) and she remembers when I came back - completely different. She encouraged me to keep going and said she was proud of me. She also confirmed that if I was to ever be ready to confront my abuser or my family that I would have many supporters on my side and they'd keep me safe. 


I was encouraged by each class during the Q & A part of the night because I was surprised by how many questions they had. I told them that if they wanted to know something all they had to do was ask and I'd answer as honestly as possible and they took me up on that. A lot of the questions were similar from class to class but it just amazed me that people really were interested in my story - like it really hit home with them and they genuinely wanted to know more about my life and about how I'm doing now and what's going on now.


I think besides the few people that came and talked with me one of the big things I'll take away from this past week is that I am called to share my story. I tend to be very composed when sharing such intimate details of my life in front of groups of people. And people are very receptive of the words I speak which I swear come from God. I'm so anxious before and then I start speaking and the realness of my life just comes out and people are paying attention and taking in the fact that my life was pretty crazy but now it's sooo different and I'm sooo different. I am more encouraged to write my story out in book form now and just share with anyone who wants to hear.


I'll probably even continuing to speaking at her classes and my counselor said a teacher she knows at another college is always looking for speakers, so I'll probably speak for her classes too. I'm an open book, all ya gotta do is ask.

I wonder who's my god

I wonder who's in control of my life. Have I really and truly allowed God to be center in my day to day living? Is He the one I'm trying to please in my big and small decisions? Or am I simply attempting to control my own destiny without a care in the world?

I am active in my home church. I volunteer in different areas, I babysit some of the children, I attend the retreats and I believe that Jesus died for my sins and that He resurrected from the dead to set me free from captivity and to reconcile me with the Father.

Yet some days I feel like I live a double life.

Eating disorders have been apart of my life for a very long time. If it's not overeating and overindulging its restricting and purging. My life has been a constant cycle through what I should and shouldn't do with food. I have gotten a lot of therapy for a lot of things but its like ED is always off limits. I rarely talk about it with anyone else, my therapist knows its a topic that we do NOT talk about and I can't stand to be around people who talk about weight and food ALL THE TIME!!!!

Today the topic in church was comparing God's Kingdom with the earthly kingdom in which we all reside. My pastor made a very good point that brought me to tears (which is hard to do when I'm working the media booth for the service because I don't always absorb everything). Have I made my stomach my god? Have I let the lies of the enemy control my life? Are the decisions of what I put into my body coming from God or from the world?

Obviously tears only come when the point being talked about is meant just for you in that moment. I have another blog that I keep, a secret diary that I started back in my darkest hours, this is the community I return to when I'm living my secret life, when I'm drinking only water and purging in public bathrooms or into a plastic bag in my car. This is the online community that encourages ED to control my life and the place that I release all the words I can't say aloud and I can't let people in my life to know. This secret online journal brings me to wonder about my double life and who's really running the show.

I wonder what would happen if I attempted to let God control the uncontrollable part of my life. I wonder about all the very real things that will be stirred up and force themselves to be felt and dealt with by releasing control and asking God to help me. I fear that I won't be able to handle it and that there is no one that really understands this world I live in.

Yet here I am, writing this all out and confessing that I the world controls this part of my life and I'm terrified of the emotions that will come with letting God take control of it. But here I sit, in His presence, with all my fear and all my doubts wondering if I'll ever break free from the chains of ED.