So, I'm posting here because I need to write and I don't want all of facebook or anyone really to see this. I've having a hard time here. Really hard time.
First, it's like I come to Nashville with the hopes of seeing some staff members that really mean a lot to me....that doesn't work. Then I have a great weekend here with my friends. We saw a few great people, experienced some great time together and loved being with each other just in the hotel room. Then on the way back home...I don't even make it out of town before my car breaks down. I'm unsure of what's going on. I come back to another staff members house, who I'm very thankful for, but feel completely out of place.
I'm realizing she doesn't get that I'm not black. She used a few different forms of a certain word that I do no like hearing. It brought me back to a place I didn't want to go again. You know, when you're around "your own type" certain phrases and ways of speaking are okay, but I hate that!!! I don't use any of that stuff with any "type" of skin color or whatever. I can't stand it....so hypricital...not to say I'm not hypricritical in some aspects because I'm sure I am...but this one...its hurt me too much in the past...it's soooo un-godlike I hate it!!!
anyways, I've been stuck in her house all day. She calls and asks "what are you doing?" and of course I'm not doing a whole lot of anything....I'm stuck inside without a car or anyone to see or anything to do. So I eat all day....just absolutely stupid!!!! And she tells me to start looking at other ways home. She doesn't want me here any longer. None of them do. For some reason I'm supposed to feel loved and welcomed here and all I feel is in the way. I feel like no one wants to see me. I feel like I'm just stupid for thinking that people would make plans with me.
And this just adds to the past month where all I've gotten is rejected. And then this staff member tries telling me to love my family...what family???? They don't want me. No body wants me. I know it's not true...but lately its been how I feel. All signs point to the fact that I'm on my own. Sure God is there....Bigger than every circumstance but I hate being alone.
"you're not alone Tamara, you have people that love you and care for you" oh yeah.....i remember. But people say they love you like you're family but I'm not their family. I can see that. Anyone can see that. There's something different about you're family.
My family was taken from me. I can't call on them...even if I did they probably wouldn't help me anyways...make excuses about money and then go visit another family member or something...always happens.
I want to believe that I'm loved by these people. The people God has put in my life, both in Nashville and in Battle Creek, but it's hard. Real hard....I don't understand it most of the time. One day perhaps???
God I need you here. I need your strength. I need you to be able to see your love through someone here on earth. Lately it's all about pushing Tamara away, and I can't do that anymore. I need some one to show me....make me feel like they love me....make me feel like they did all they could to spend time with me. I don't want to be the one reaching out this time...it hurts too much when I reach out and they tell me no....it's getting overwhelming!!!
I hate this about me lately. Gotta do something about it. I just feel soooo under the spell on the lie. I don't know what else to do about it. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!
