My fears grow bigger as I try to submit them over to Jesus. I continously bring them to His feet in hopes that He'll just make them go away. But the tears come when I think about the process I'm entering. I've made a decision to have my abuser prosecuted and with that confidence in Christ, satan is making every attempt to trap me into hiding again. But I refuse to go there. I want so much to allow Jesus this victory and to walk with Him through this battle. I feel weak and unable to win against this giant, but I believe that God is right there, planning out everything and who I need to talk with and how to go about gaining more freedom. Speaking my story in grave detail is scary, even just acknowledging it as something that happened to me and not something I did is scary. But in order for this to no longer have power over me, I have to face it head on.
My biggest fear in my selfish life is that my family will side with him, wholeheartedly. I fear that no one will stand by me when it comes to my family. No whether they will testify for him is another thing that I do not know. I hold on to this fantasy that one day, just maybe my mom will call me and tell me that she believes me and she's sorry and she's leaving him. I keep hoping that he'll just admit to what he did and give me back my family - allow us to heal without him in our way. Going through with this will bring out the truth, make everyone face it head on. I want them to hear what I have to say. I want them to care enough to listen to my voice and my story and know that I'm not just "sick."
My journey is just beginning with this. I keep handing over all my fears and doubts to Jesus, trusting Him that without this I'll be failing the little girls he comes into contact with now. I need to do everything in my power to prevent him from hurting them - everything. And that includes making him sit in front of me and listen to everything he did to me.
I'm not going to pretend that I'm not scared. But with this fear I will continue to walk with God in this process. I want Him to be the center of the whole thing. He's the person placing people in my life that can help me. As I play "phone tag" with the legal advocate in Illinois, I pray to Jesus that He calms my fears and helps me to be level headed during this process. I want only for my abuser to face what he did, be prevented from hurting other girls, and to no longer have power over me in anyway. I want to expose the reality that abusers are not just "crazies" running the streets, but are ministers, teachers, camp counselors and family members.
Step One of this process has begun. Tonight I meet with my pastor to pray about some of this stuff. I want to be in God's will for this. I don't want it to be my own selfishness. And I don't want him hurting those girls ~ they are who I think about. All it takes is one "accidental slip" of the hand to damage a child, he shouldn't have that opportunity at all.
So it begins.....
