Raw Emotions/Thoughts

So, I'm posting here because I need to write and I don't want all of facebook or anyone really to see this. I've having a hard time here. Really hard time.

First, it's like I come to Nashville with the hopes of seeing some staff members that really mean a lot to me....that doesn't work. Then I have a great weekend here with my friends. We saw a few great people, experienced some great time together and loved being with each other just in the hotel room. Then on the way back home...I don't even make it out of town before my car breaks down. I'm unsure of what's going on. I come back to another staff members house, who I'm very thankful for, but feel completely out of place.

I'm realizing she doesn't get that I'm not black. She used a few different forms of a certain word that I do no like hearing. It brought me back to a place I didn't want to go again. You know, when you're around "your own type" certain phrases and ways of speaking are okay, but I hate that!!! I don't use any of that stuff with any "type" of skin color or whatever. I can't stand it....so hypricital...not to say I'm not hypricritical in some aspects because I'm sure I am...but this one...its hurt me too much in the past...it's soooo un-godlike I hate it!!!

anyways, I've been stuck in her house all day. She calls and asks "what are you doing?" and of course I'm not doing a whole lot of anything....I'm stuck inside without a car or anyone to see or anything to do. So I eat all day....just absolutely stupid!!!! And she tells me to start looking at other ways home. She doesn't want me here any longer. None of them do. For some reason I'm supposed to feel loved and welcomed here and all I feel is in the way. I feel like no one wants to see me. I feel like I'm just stupid for thinking that people would make plans with me.

And this just adds to the past month where all I've gotten is rejected. And then this staff member tries telling me to love my family...what family???? They don't want me. No body wants me. I know it's not true...but lately its been how I feel. All signs point to the fact that I'm on my own. Sure God is there....Bigger than every circumstance but I hate being alone.

"you're not alone Tamara, you have people that love you and care for you" oh yeah.....i remember. But people say they love you like you're family but I'm not their family. I can see that. Anyone can see that. There's something different about you're family.

My family was taken from me. I can't call on them...even if I did they probably wouldn't help me anyways...make excuses about money and then go visit another family member or something...always happens.

I want to believe that I'm loved by these people. The people God has put in my life, both in Nashville and in Battle Creek, but it's hard. Real hard....I don't understand it most of the time. One day perhaps???

God I need you here. I need your strength. I need you to be able to see your love through someone here on earth. Lately it's all about pushing Tamara away, and I can't do that anymore. I need some one to show me....make me feel like they love me....make me feel like they did all they could to spend time with me. I don't want to be the one reaching out this time...it hurts too much when I reach out and they tell me no....it's getting overwhelming!!!

I hate this about me lately. Gotta do something about it. I just feel soooo under the spell on the lie. I don't know what else to do about it. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!

Power of Choice: Who's the real enemy?

Lately, its been brought to me attention how we sometimes blame satan for our actions. Granted...he comes to steal, kill and destroy. BUT the Good News tells me that we are set free by Truth. That Jesus died and gave us the power of His Name the moment we accepted Him into our hearts. The Holy Spirit lives within us and He guides us and we breathe Him all day long. Our Father is our Friend, our closest Friend we can ever have, afterall He knows us and He invites us to know Him sooo deeply. He gave us the Armor of Christ to put on and defend ourselves with. He didn't just die to save us and then leave us. Oh, no He has equipped us for life here on earth.

The only problem I've seen with all of this, is our human nature to not do it. We believe all of satan's little lies. And some of his big lies! We know the TRUTH about ourselves but deny it when we entertain a thought that says we are worthless, or God is angry with us, or that we don't deserve the good things in life. I know some of the things satan does in our lives seem unconquerable, but the TRUTH says that we are more than conquerors! We can do more than just survive our lives, we can overcome and actually live our lives. You and I are made to enjoy our time with each other and to laugh and to smile and to not worry about how to pay the bills. Satan has done a work on our world and the good news is that He's already been defeated for it! He doesn't win. He can't win. He lacks everything needed to take charge of your life.

So where does that take me? Choices. Such a simple word. Such a hard concept to grasp. And where do I come off trying to tell you to make good choices? I'm not the superstar of making good choices. I've made several bad ones in the past and even after my time at Mercy, I've made some not so great choices. And I can blame satan. Afterall, he's the one that comes in and tempts me. But what good will that do? His temptations and his lies aren't the last say in whether or not I sin, or think negatively of myself, or not read the Bible. You know the verse in Deuteronomy where God lays before you life and death. Well then He tells you to choose life. Hmmm...choose. Choice. My decision. No one else's. My responsibility. My relationships. My life. My Jesus. Choice. Choose. Life. hmmm.....

I've been doing real well since leaving Mercy. Only having to really fight in one physical area. But my thoughts are my thoughts. And when satan comes in with a lie, I don't believe it. Sometimes I catch it right away, other times it takes a little longer. But never do I own those thoughts. Never do I choose to go with satan. My flesh is weak in this world. I need the Spirit's strength to carry on. We need Him. We can't do it without Him. I choose Him. I choose His Truth. His Word. His Love. His Peace. His Trust. His Patience. His Kindness. His Guidance. His Oneness. His Provision. His Mercy. His Grace. Him!

Sisters: choose to keep fighting. Choose Him. No matter how hard satan is fighting against you and plotting evil in your world. Fight back. Don't lose sight of the freedom God gave you. Don't lose sight of how you have overcome and how your Dad wants so much more for you. Fight back. Read your GCP or your Truth Cards. Read His Word. Speak Truth over yourself. Do not give up! Fight hard. REFUSE to give in. Absolutely refuse! Every day make the choice. Chose Him. Chose to win. Chose to fight. Chose to not give in. Chose to live. Chose to be victorious. Chose the positive. Chose him.

Perfect Weather Trumps The Storms

So, I'm sitting at this computer...next to a window. It's really cold out there, but I'm pretty warm inside. It's supposed to be snowing and all icky and gray. But the sun keeps shinning through the clouds that are moving east. The sun....

I'm reminded that my life is supposed to be cloudy and icky and gray and stormy. I'm reminded that at one point in my life that's how it was predicted to turn out. It would always be that way. I don't know who was the predictor (I'm not sure that's a word but you know what I mean), I'm guessing it was a storm itself. But...The Sun....The Son....

The Son came into my life. The Light. The Warmth. The Comfort. The Peace. The Cool Breeze. The Perfect Weather. The Perfect Day. It all came into my heart. Cleared away the clouds. The lightening stopped. The rain dwindled and the Son began to shine.

And now, every once in awhile, that storm comes back, trying to make its way back into my sun-shinny day. It comes with a cold-front. Then the rain falls heavily. Thunder and lightening roar and do not let up. Eventually the snow turns into a snow blizzard, taking over my life, locking my indoors, isolating me from those outside the storm. There's no safety. I'm lost in a whirlwind of the storm. It's ripping my world apart. There's nothing I can do.

But the Son....

I reach for Him. I call to Him. I don't even know what I'm saying except, "help." I cry out. I read His Word and Promises. I know the calm is coming. The storm cannot lost forever. My Helper is Peace. My Storm Calmer calls back. I hear Him with His army of Angels coming to my rescue. He brings His Heart close to mine and the snow melts. The clouds disappear. The sun comes out again and the grass is green. The breeze is perfect. He's back in control. The storm never had a chance to survive in my life.

And it's official. I have a Rescuer. He helps me in my time of distress. He keeps me close and He hears me when I call. I have a Father who loves me more than I can ever imagine. He takes great care of me. He promises me that He will always be with me, even when I feel distant from Him. He takes all my worries and all my burdens! He calms the storm around me and within me. All it takes is one word: "Jesus"

I love Him more than I'll ever understand. And He loves me. Nothing can ever change that. So though the storms may come and try to overtake this sun-shinny day, they will never succeed! My Perfect Day is here with me always! The storms cannot stay!

A Drive with my Dad

I'm not sure how to start this entry or what it will end up saying. All I know is that I have to write....

Two Sundays ago I was at a conference and on Sunday morning we had a worship service. As I was sitting in my chair, I began to feel overwhelmed by the love of God. He loves all His children soooo deeply and wants nothing more than for them to find their way back home. He showed me their faces and spoke about how He loves them to His very core. Love is Who He is.

Since that day I have found myself paying attention to my thoughts about other people. I've judged, gotten irritated, thought down about others. These thoughts that race threw my mind are not of God. So, I've been reminded to show God's love to everyone I come across. Guide them home by letting God's love shine through. It seems like every day God is trying to teach me more about His love and how my mission in living again is to help show those who are dead how to rise and live in the resurrection power of Christ! But just by simply loving them. Getting to know them. Partaking in some type of activity that builds our friendship. Then, they will see just how different I am from the rest of the world and they will ask questions and I will share with them the transforming power of love my Jesus has used on me. Showing people the door and giving them the chance and ability to walk through.

Well, two nights ago I was on my way home from a wonderful day with my three nieces. But for some reason I couldn't turn down my street, so I kept driving. I took a country road and just kept driving north. I was amazed at what I saw. Fields, covered with snow (but it was as if it was freshly fallen snow because so much melted from the awesome weather we had!). The moon shinning brightly to reveal the beauty of my God. I drove by slowly, taking in the tremendous amount of love I was feeling from God, for myself and for all my brothers and sisters (even the lost ones).

Then, I came up on a few animals who were now road kill. And I heard God tell me that many of His children are much like the animals who have been run over. They are meant to be in the fields and in the woods where it is safe ground. But they get "brave" and venture out into the road without paying attention. They are not fast enough to dodge the cars (sins, bondages, strongholds) that come at them. And the enemy comes to destroy them and wins. But God wants us so much to stay in the fields with Him and not in the dangerous streets.

I took a left on some street. Loved going slow, looking out at the fields. I wanted to pull over and just look but there were no safe places (still a lot of snow banks). I kept hearing God say "Go to them Beloved. Show them My Love." After driving for so long, I realized that I had absolutely no idea where I was. I knew that if I turned around I could get back to where I started. I knew how to retrace my steps. But God just told me to go straight. Then we came to a street that sorta sounded familiar and I turned south. As I followed this street, I knew I wasn't lost because afterall, I could find my way back by turning around. But I was determined to follow God and eventually He led me to the opposite side of my city. A very familiar intersection that I have passed through several times.

Then I got home. I allowed God to take me a completely different way to my final destination. It took me over an hour to get home with this detour, instead of the 4 minutes it would have taken if I just took the path I normally take. And I'm reminded of the Isrealites and how God led them to the desert through Moses to teach them and to stretch them. It took them 40 years to make a 10-day trip. The only difference is that they didn't really learn did they? God was faithful. He provided food and water every day for them. Led them with a cloud in the daytime and a fire in the nighttime. And yet they were still in their slave-mindset and couldn't trust Him fully.

God took me on a journey on Saturday night. He loved on me and called me to love others. He entrusted me with personal time. He cared enough to take the wheel of my car - literally - and take control of my life. I'm so thankful that my Dad cares enough about me and His other children. He's called me to a higher standard.

He's bestowed upon me the mission to help my Beloved brothers and sisters by showing them the familiar road that takes them home and not allow them to turn back and just retrace their steps. After making progress, there is no turning back to the place where you started. It's all foward movement from here. Keep pressing on towards the prize, to which God has called me heavenward! I do love Him, even when the mission feels overwhelming...He is Love!!!

Fall and Rise Again

Can I be honest? Real honest? Without going into too much detail of course.

This week, I fell. I fell hard. It was the first time since I left Mercy that falling actually hurt and truly scared me. I opened a door and let satan run wild. I took part in a bahavior that was not of God. I struggled with many different things in my past and Wednesday, I did one of those things. I dwelt on my behavior. I considered myself bad and fallen and unable to get up.

It saddens my heart to realize that several people that I truly care about and want to have relationships with, open doors to my soul that should not be opened. I have to take caution with those relationships now, so that I no longer allow satan to reign in my soul, where there is no room for him. And it scared me that I couldn't stop myself. I didn't even realize what I was doing. Which is totally different from my thought process because I can catch a lie and take it captive but the behavior just happened and I already did it before I caught myself and stopped. I was scared and hurt and alone.

And yet, I let him in. Guilt, condemnation, depression, more negative behaviors flying all about my head and heart. Trying to hold me down and keep it a secret. I was willing to just stay down and take my beating. Not even attempting to fight back. I bet the enemy was laughing the whole time. Thought he was succeeding in tearing me down. Little did he know that I would turn to my Dad and do things His way.

I confessed to what happened. I told my accountability partner what scared me and why I did it and how I didn't even know what I was doing. I told her everything. I didn't hold anything back. I even cried, the first time since I've been away from Mercy. And you know what she didn't get mad at me. She didn't rush me. She just listened and when I was done she encouraged me. She put things into perspective.

What happens when a child falls and scrapes their knee or bumbs their head? Those few moments right afterwards are scary, hurtful and lonely. But then Daddy and/or Mommy comes running to their side. Scoops them up in their arms and soothes them. Then a minute later they are back to doing exactly what they were doing bebfore they fell.

Well, my minute last a few hours but oh how great it was when my Dad came to sooth me and pick me back up. He held me close. He refused to let me stay fallen. He refused to let me give in and think that by falling I was no longer strong. He gave me Scriptures that showed His love for me. And this morning after getting back up He had me read Isaiah 62 where He tells me that my name Hephzibah (my delight is in her) and not Desolate. I am the City No Longer Deserted. I am Sought After. He comes to save me. He is my Savior. He redeems me and He rescues me. He is my Perfect Father.

And today I can say that I accepted His forgiveness for my sin. I have forgiven myself for sinning. I have moved on. I've learned from falling. And I know now, more than ever, that God is using me to change the lives of the people around me. And satan will do whatever he can to try and stop God from moving but it will not happen. It cannot happen. And therefore, I am moving foward with my Jesus. Sharing Him with the world so that they too may realize how strong God can be in their weakness! He is sooo Good! And I love Him still, even when I fall!

Awakened by God, Even on the Hard to Get Up Mornings

Yesterday morning...I was extremely tried. I had a busy weekend. God worked on my heart all weekend and all I wante to do was rest. But I didn't get home till after midnight and probably didn't go to bed until 1:30am.

So, my alarm goes off at 5:30am and the first thing I do is hit snooze.

Then that still small voice comes back again:

Good morning Beloved. Are you ready?
What do you mean? I've just gone to sleep. Just 5 more minutes.
Don't be silly. We don't compromise. We don't give in.
I know Dad. But I'm so tired. Just let me sleep we can do this another time. Later today we can talk.
Oh no my Precious Daughter, you mean too much to me. Get up. Let's spend this moment together.
Okay Dad. You're right. We made a committ to each other. I will follow through.

So, I get up. I get dressed. Get ready and head downstairs to my favorite chair in the living room! I play the cd that's in my cd player (Christ Tomlin) and I enter into worship with my Dad. I focus my heart and mind on Him. I read the devotional. He guides me back to Isaiah (I've been working on this book for awhile now).

And He just absolutely wrecks my world.

He shares with me how He desires to bless me. He shows me some of the plans He has for my life. Not puting things hold but moving foward in several directions - all guided by His Spirit. He shows me what to say. He says that out of one come many and talks about Abraham and Sarah. I am one but He has a plan to bring many back to Him from my life. He loves me and even more He reiteriated how much He loves every single human being on this planet. How His children are His only desire. He wants them to choose Him but even when they don't, He still loves them.

Last Night.
12:30am - After a very long day and an amazing meeting. I recieve a phone call.

I talk to this person because God loves her. God loves her with an everlasting love and refuses to let her drift again. I talked with her until 3:30 this morning. I don't know if anything God used me to say got to her. I know that I have to be careful with my friend but I am there for her. She is my sister and I will love her the way God loves her.

So, I go to bed...thinking about sleeping in and wishing I didn't have a test in three hours so I could sleep in and skip school.

The alarm goes off at 5:30am. I roll over. Try to fall back asleep. I have the second alarm set for 6:15am. That should be the perfect time to make it to the test!

I hear it again:

Good morning, Beloved!
Good morning Abba! Is it really that time already?
Yes sweet girl. Come away with me for a while. Talk to me.
It's so cold up here Dad. I need more blankets. Can we do this later?
Wake up Precious One. We don't settle. We stick to our committments. Spend time with me today.
Okay, you better keep me warm!

So, I get up and I stayed in my same clothes because I figured there was no point in changing. I only wore the clothes for the meeting anyway so whatever. Plus, I'm tired!!!! I went downstairs, sat in my favorite chair. No music today because I needed to switch it up. I couldn't focus as easily because my body wasn't taken care of. I read the devotional. It was a good one - they always are. And I read Isaiah 53 and 54.

And again I'm reminded of His love and His protection.

I'm reminded of how good He truly is. Even in the lives of the ones struggling, He hears them and still says: "I love you. I'm not going anywhere." He constantly reminds me of His purpose and His role in my life. I'm so thankful my God wakes me up in the morning.

This is a new thing for me. It's only been a week since I made the committment to God. But if you've read any of the entries from last week you know it has been an amazing and eye-opening kind of week! It came down to a decision and a heart-level commitment to start my day off with my Dad, and now He wakes me up in the morning and calls me to come near and spend time with Him. He truly is the Perfect Father!!!! I love Him so much, there is no doubt in my mind, soul or spirit. He is my ABBA FATHER!!!!

Deborah and Jael Reveal A Peice of God

I was spending some time with Abba this morning and He showed me this chapter in Judges. And my version puts little subtitles before sections, you know. This subtitle was "Deborah's Song." And if you know anything about Deborah, you know she was a prophetess and a judge. But when God called her, she joined the battle with Barak at her side, leading the warriors. She became a mother of Israel (5:7) and rose to the leadership position God called her to.

In this song she encourages the mass of volunteers who have taken on Sisera (an enemy) by encouraging her soul. "March on, my soul; Be strong! (5:21)" She's ready to fight. She's ready to serve God when called upon. She doesn't shrink in fear. Oh, no. Quite the opposite. She sees men, afraid of their enemy and unwilling to rise up against him. She knows God has called her to be a leader, even a leader of men. How wonderful to know God is on your side and fights with you.

Then, the person who kills Sisera - the enemy. A woman. Jael, a housewife (tent-dweller). She takes her hammer and chisle and sneaks into his camp. Then she takes that chisle to his head and kills him. Sisera is unaware, unguarded, sleeping. And the enemy is defeated. His mother concerned waits for him to return, starring out the window. She is hopeful that he has won and that Sisera and his men are dividing up what they have taken charge of. Little does she know that the enemy of the God and His people has been defeated! Deborah and Barak end their song with this verse: "So may all your enemies perish, O Lord. But may they who love you be like the sun when it rises in its strength (5:31)."

This all got me to thinking about how I, a woman, can be used and called by God. God has a purpose for my life. God has made it clear that He needs me to reach His children, the ones no one else can. He needs me to lead some of His children out of cowering. He needs me to respond to His calling, no doubts, no second thoughts. Just simple obedience. How else can He use me? If I'm trying to control things that does nothing for Him and His kingdom now does it?

And with all the discouragement I face in the world. We all face it. All the lies thrown in our face, who couldn't use some encouragement. "March on my soul!!!" "Be strong!!!" "Rise like the sun!!!" God is with you at all times. God's strength is in me. The Spirit of God is my everything. His joy is my strength. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Be strong! Afterall, Joshua 1:9 says He has commanded us to be strong and courageous. Fighting when we don't want to. Not giving in. Making the HARD choices. Yes, be strong oh my soul. March on. Don't give up. Do not coward. God has given us a spirit of power, love, a self-control/self-discipline/sound mind!!! Not of cowardice, fear or timidity (2 Tim 1:7). There's just no such thing has falling in the background or sitting in the back row with God. It's upfront and in your face. Giving God first place but standing up for Him and showing Him to the world. Not cowering to the enemy. But marching foward. Marching firm. Step after step. Strong in Christ!!!! How I love Him!!!

Sinner who hears from God...that's Me!

True love is obedience and surrender and submission.

I love my God. My Father. My whole world in One! I love Him so much that I desire to serve Him and be used by Him and not live a sinful life. I was asked yesterday if I would classify myself as a sinner, afterall Jesus forgives us so then we're not sinners. I don't agree with that. I know that I am a sinner. I don't do it on purpose. I don't scheme. I don't purposefully tell lies. I don't hide things. But I am a sinner. I am human. I have human tendencies. I judge. I have mean thoughts towards others. I sometimes give into gluttony. I am selfish sometimes. I lust after things. I can be greedy. I can definitely be jealous. But I don't do it on purpose. I am a sinner but every time I sin, I am able to give my actions over to God and ask Him to teach me new ways.

Recently, I've been selfish. I've given into gluttony. God asked me to fast chocolate I thought. So, I haven't had any for a while. But oh how I was wrong. Every so often you know God is asking you to do a certain thing but you try and compromise. God says give $500 to a charity or person and you say well I have a car payment, I'll only give $20. God says to spend your time in a nursing home and you say you don't know anyone there so you watch t.v. God says write a book and you say that you never took writing class so you work at a retail store.

How often do we compromise submission to God's perfect plan? I was filing in the office today and the Holy Spirit convicted me so strongly.

What are you doing Tamara? Why haven't you obeyed me with this?
God, I'll start tomorrow. Just let me finish this.
Daughter, can't you feel what it's doing to you? Don't you see how you're hurting my temple?
But Dad, it's hard. I can't do it. I don't really want to do it.
You can do anything with Me. I'm calling you to a higher standard. You need the balance back in your life. Daughter, we need balance in order to make a difference for my children.
It's going to hurt. It's going to really suck. Dad, it's going to be hard. I don't know how to do what you're asking, so please help me. Be my strength. Be my support.
I'm with you in everything Sweet Girl. I never leave. You can do this. We can do this. Remember, I love you and everything I ask of you is for your good!
Okay, Dad. Whatever you say. I'll do it for you.

And thus, my new life begins. I am committed to following what my Dad asks of me. Back to balance. Back to the way God called me to live. What a change. But how awesome that my Dad can talk to me even when I'm at work, in the back room, putting files back! He's so Good!!!! I absolutely love Him!!!! (even when it hurts!)

3 Invites, Major Confusion, God Clarifies

The invitations:
Yesterday at church the invitation was to reach out. Be God's light and salt to the earth. Become the aroma of God. Show Him and offer Him to everyone you come into contact with. Make new friends. Invite them to church. Love them like God loves you. Become a family. Grow your family. Support them. Be their friend. Embrace the differences. Lead them to Jesus. Show them hope. Reach out.

Today the invitation is to focus on God. Worship Him with all your heart. Take your eyes off of you and even others and completely give yourself over to the Lord. Make Him the center of your decisions. The center of your walking. The center of your learning. The center of your doing. He is the reason. The only reason. Simply give your heart, your whole heart over to Him who has made it whole. Worship Him. Praise Him. Thank Him. Love Him. Let nothing come between you and Him. He is all that matters. Keep your eyes lifted to Him.

Previously the invitation is to work. Complete school. Even go away from a place I've grown attached to. Leave my Christian family and form a new one. Do something completely different than what I planned. Build the business? Be a teacher? What about pharmacy? Or other science? Counselor? Social worker? No, that's not it. Follow Him and He'll guide me. Taking me away. But trusting Him with all I do. Go back to school. Focus on school. Focus on my relationship with Him. Be selfish with this time and grow closer to Him only. Focus on me. My growth. My time. My future. My present. School, work, church, volunteer. Got it.

The confusion:
What do you do when it seems like God is telling you 15 different things to do? You got school, work, family, friends, Him, others you don't know, people to reach to, pray for everyone. Where do you spend your time? How do you build bridges and friendships with people you don't know? How does it start? What can you do? Is there anything? What's most important? Feeling overwhelmed and yet at peace with your decisions. Being unsure of whether or not you're doing the correct thing. Is God talking to me or are these invitations for other people around me? It's confusing when you think too much.

The clarification:
It's not about what I can or cannot do. It's all about Jesus. So the second invitation is where I need to spending my time. Completely centered on Him. When all my focus is on loving Him, praising Him, thanking Him, everything else falls into place. I don't have to do anything. He uses me for whatever He wants and I allow Him to. No big deal. It's at this place that God's plans are fullfilled for me life. I listen to Him and follow Him and stress not on what I can do....because I can't do it without Him. So why not let Him do all the driving and give up the control I want so desperately? It's not my place to look at what I can do because it's about what He can do and He buildes the bridges and writes the conversations. I give myself fully to Him. Always to Him. Only to Him. Wow....He is sooooo good. I love Him!!!!

Transformed by Him

Excerpt from a blog back 12/07

ever wonder if its really worth it? i don't know about you but that's something i wonder all the time. and not just about life but about every aspect of life. is school really going to be worth it? is going to a special program really going to be worth it? is there something out there worth my time and effort? and will that something make a difference? will it really make the world a better place? and what about my family...is loving them inspite of everything negative they have done to me worth it? will they ever come back to Jesus? and does Jesus really want them? and what about me...he hasn't taken me yet he probably doesn't want me either...which would actually really suck because i live because he's the only thing i believe wants me to. but anyways....this whole worth it thing is driving me crazy and this phone call i need to make (again because i didn't leave a message)....is it going to be worth it? am i going to be able to stop wondering if things are worth it and just know they are? and i ever going to be able to live life like its worth it? like i'm worth it? like my future and all the people in my future are worth it? PROBABLY NOT!

It's amazing to me how God works. Can you see the desperation in my heart? I wrote this at the beginning of my application process to Mercy and was scared to make the first phone call to intake. I was so insecure and I didn't even know if I was "bad enough" to get into the program....how crazy is that? I was so lost. I couldn't see the light God had for me. I needed to know my life had value. I needed to know I was more than just a fat, depressed, eating disordered, unwanted, cutter. I needed to know there was hope. I needed to know who I truly was. And yet all I did was listen to the enemy.

Oh but how Good my God is!!!! He treats me like a queen. I am His beloved. He has plans for me that He set into motion before I ever existed...before the physical world ever existed. I came from God, to live for God, to go back to God when He calls me home. I am a person worth something. My life has meaning because God gives it meaning. He loves me unconditionally and He shines through me to the lost and hurting.

He's restored my beauty, inside and out. He's given me joy that is indescribable! He's given me FREEDOM!!!! He's healed my wounds but left the ever important scar as a reminder of His goodness and mercy! My God. Your Father. Our Protector. He does what seems impossible. He is the Perfect, Precious Lamb of God. He loves like no other. Jehovah Jireh - God my Provider (Philip 4:19). Jehovah Rohi - God my Shepherd (Psalm 23). Jehovah Tsori - the Lord my Strength (Psalm 28:7). Jehovah Gador Milchamah - The Lord Mighty in Battle (Psalm 24:8). Jehovah Go'el - The Lord my Redeemer (Isaiah 60:16).

Yes. He is my God! My Abba Father! My Help! My Comfort! My Joy! My Life! How I thank Him for all His goodness. How I admire Him for His transforming and redeeming work!

Moment with my Father.

The following is part of what God showed me last night. I had an amazing couple of hours with my Father and He continues to amaze me. I love Him so much. But not for the vision or the invitation or the miracles. It's all about Him loving me and me loving Him. Take a glimpse into the wonder of my Father and the life He has for me (and you). The main Scripture that was read as I recieved these things from my Father was Isaiah 43:1-3, 5. Then He threw in some others that I have been meditating on: Isaiah 40:28-31, Ephesians 6:13-18, 2 Samuel 22:33-35.

The Vision

Flames.
Huge flames. Walls of fire to the left, right and front of me. Flames, high like the sky scrapers of Chicago and New York City. Intensely burning. Nothing survives these types of flames. Nothing survives the fire of hell.

Unless.....

Your Savior is before you and behind you. He's paving the way as you run foward. Head held high. Dorned with the full armor of God. Shield of Faith held firmly in hand. Helmet of Salvation perfectly protecting. Breastplate of Righteousness strapped on tight. Belt of Truth securely holding you together. Shoes of Peace making the journey light on your body. Sword of the Spirit drawn and ready to attack. Your Partner guarding your back because you don't look back, your battle is foward.

The flames reach out but cannot harm you. The heat is intense but you are refreshed and cool. The smoke is thick but you breathe in fresh Spring air. The enemy is armed but you are not afraid. You charge towards your enemy. Your Guide leading you from the front and your Partner guarding you from the back. You do not grow weary. You do not faint. You soar to victory. You live the life you have been designed for. You fight the battle with your Father and your enemy is defeated because of the Perfect Lamb.

The Invitation

Follow me.
You are on the right path because I have brought you there.
Fear not. Doubt not. You opened your heart to me and I live there.
Follow me.
Training is required. You are in the right spot.
Training is hard. Allow me to be there with you.
Follow me.
You hear my voice so clearly. Doubt yourself not.
Know I have a plan for your good.
Follow me.
The time is now. We have work to do together.
Take in the teaching and training and we will fight the battle.
Follow me.
You will not be harmed. I am your protection. No one, no thing, can harm you.
I have defeated the prince of darkness. And you are my light to the world.
Follow me.
Keep open eyes for me. Open heart for my love, grace and mercy.
Show the enemy you are not afraid. Fight.
Follow me.

His Name is powerful, forever!

Church on Sunday was really good. It's amazing to watch the growth in others. And small group this week also showed me how we're all on this journey to know God more. To be led by the Holy Spirit. And to destory the schemes of the enemy.
The cool thing is that God makes Himself so open and He showed me how it's us, in our human flesh, that make the whole process hard. We get angry, we put up walls, we fall, we stumble, we hold grudges, we judge, we sin, we doubt, we make things complicated! And yet God, in all His unimaginable complicatedness, He is sooooo simple! All we, you and I, have to do is open our hearts to Him and He comes. He heals. He mends. He cleanses. He restores. He transforms. He protects. He loves. He forgives. He provides. He is good!!!!
He gives us the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit lives within our spirits and He transforms us from the inside out. He works on our soul (mind, will, emotions), then our body, then our behaviors. As He continues to do this, He is your tool for battle. He gives you the armor you need. He's got your back. You stand because of His strength inside you. You fight with the Word of God. You speak it out of your mouth when you feel under attack. You call on the name of Jesus when you don't know what else to do anymore. You pray and ask others to join you in prayer when there's nothing left you can do. You fight with all the tools God has given you. And the best thing....He does all the work! He comes when you speak His Word. He sends His angels at the call of His name. He shows you what to do and then backs it up with powerful action. He fights for you!
And He's always there! God is God. He never leaves His home. He lives inside of you. He is there for you, every moment of every day.
Back to Sunday, my pastor was clear that speaking the Name of Jesus was very powerful. It is the Name above every name. And I've thought about this a long time and am looking forward to studying it more and having my eyes open to the true power of this Name. But, I opened my Bible to Psalm 75, and it says "We give t hanks to you, O God, we give thanks for your Name is near; men tell of your wonderful deeds...As for me, I will declare this forever; I will sing praise to the God of Jacob." (v. 1, 9) And that's when it struck me: His Name is Near!!!! I need to give thanks that He has given His Name authority and all I have to do is call on it and I will see my Father's hand move on my behalf. Forever. He never stops. His Name never loses its power. I never lose the ability to praise Him for all the things He has done! I never lose the ability to call on Him. Forever.
How awesome is He!!!!! Yes, I continue to learn more and more about my Father and everyday I fall that much more in love with Him!

Heal the wound, leave the scar!

I was listening to a song the other day on my way to some place. The line that really stood out to me was "heal the wound, but leave the scar." Hmm...heal the wound but leave the scar. It got me to thinking about how wonderful God really is. He healed my wounds. I no longer struggle with depression or negative thoughts about myself. I don't struggle with suicidal thoughts or the eating disorder I had. I am not affected by the pain of my childhood. I don't feel the pain of being abused anymore. My God has healed me.

And yet He leaves the scar. He allows me to remember where I was and how I felt. He allows me to see that pain and to remember how it was for me. Yet, He allows the scar to be a reminder of how wonderful He is to me (and all my brothers and sisters). He was able to heal those wounds. He was the One. His love and mercy and grace. Jesus. My Father. No one else. He healed the wound and there's no longer any pain associated with the scars of depression, suicide, sexual abuse, emotional/verbal abuse, physical abuse, eating disorder, self-harm, alcohol, witchcraft, a wasted life. There's scars for others to see. They are there so that others can listen and see the amazing work God has done in my life. I once was ashamed, no more. The scars on my arms, legs, heart and soul are there to show the transforming power of the Holy Spirit!!

I give praise only to my Father in Heaven. He did the work, I just opened my heart. Heal the wound, but leave the scar. What wounds is He healing for you? What wounds do you want Him to heal? What scars has He blessed you with? Will you let others see? Jesus love you and He will transform you. Joy for your sorrow. Hope for despair. Gladness for morning. Beauty for ashes!

First Blog

Wow, welcome back to the world of blogging for me. I am determined to use this for the glory of God and nothing else. Let me share a little about the amazing month of teaching I've recently gone through.

It's amazing how God uses all of our daily decisions to guide and teach. Even something as simple as going to visit a friend in the hospital. I could plainly see how the roads were bad and it wouldn't be wise to travel too far. However, despite the pleas and warnings of my housemates and weather alerts, I decided to venture out anyways. Resulting of course in a spin off the road right into the ditch on the highway. What was I thinking? I was thinking how a good friend goes and sees her friend in the hospital. But was I listening to the Holy Spirit, no. He tried warning me to stay off the roads because He can see the big picture. I couldn't wait for my friend to be discharged and come home so I went anyways. I gave into my flesh and God knew it would not be good. He tried warning me and I disobeyed. I didn't follow his leading. Not a very good thing at all.

I gave my heart to Christ so that He could be my guide. The Guide that can see the big picture, He knows the outcomes of different decisions and He guides you to make the ones whose results are postive. He uses Scripture, family, friends, books, songs, and yes even weather alerts to warn you and to help steer you in His direction. I'm reading about how to discern the voice of God and its becoming more and more apparent that I have a lot of learning to do in this area. God is stretching me big time and I'm ready, though I'm afraid of how much it will hurt. Brace yourself for my reflections over the coming months!