Movies on Constant Replay

I can't sleep. My mind has been reeling with memories and images all day long. I tried to get them out and yet I just can't shake them. I can't seem to stop thinking about what has gotten me to this point in my life and where exactly I'm going with it. I can't help but feel like my life has been rerouted from its original plan because of something evil that happened to me when my journey was just beginning. My mind is filled with the possibilities of "what if" and I'm overwhelmed with the fact that is "was not."

All the movies that are on constant replay in my mind drive me insane sometimes. Often times I find myself free to be happy for split instances and then all the sudden images comes flooding back and I'm challenged with the thought that true happiness and fulfillment may never be possible. And that ache from the center of my soul rears its ugly little head and I find myself trying to escape it's death grip on my life.

The pain I feel is so intense and so real that I'll never fully understand its depths. I don't think my human brain is capable of understanding the immense aftermath of the "traumatic event" I survived during those years I lived at home. My therapist switched positions and I haven't been seeing her very often. We tried figuring out if my insurance would cover her and then I got this denial letter stating that even though my diagnosis of "PTSD" is a factor they would not approve continued care. I've tried these last few sessions to just stop seeing her but she won't let me. She doesn't think it would be a good idea. Interesting because I feel like we barely talk about anything important in my healing process anymore just because of the span of time between sessions.

With the realization that I am clinically diagnosed with PTSD is overwhelming to that ache in my center. It's like I'm learning for the first time that maybe this really will never go away. I spend pretty much every waking hour trying to escape and yet the reality is that I never will. And now here I sit unable to escape the reality of my current situation. I know my life isn't bad when I compare it do other lives but this is so not the way I imaged my life going when I was a little girl.

I talked with my dad and grandpa today because I'm going to visit them in a few weeks. I asked about getting together with some of the other family members. He told me all about how they don't talk to him since my grandma died and that it most likely stems from him owing them a few hundred dollars. I wanted to scream and send them the money so that they would talk to him again. I hate that they don't talk to him. I hate that I can't talk to my own family. I hate that my niece's birthday is next week and I can't see her. I hate that I'm stuck on the outside. I hate that it seems lives are moving on all around me and yet I'm stuck, just living my life, unable to really do anything worth anything. Again, my darkness grows a big larger in the pit of my center and I'm challenged with the thought that I could ever do anything worth anything after all I'm just damaged goods.

All these thoughts that stem from these images in my mind are so overwhelming. I try to fight them and I try to escape them. Somehow they always find their way back and when they find me they keep me up causing much anxiety and many tears. My reality is confusing for me. I know I have people who love me deeply and yet I'm not really sure I know what that means. Loving someone was once described to me as meaning that you would cry at their funeral. I'm pretty sure there are many people in my life I would cry for if they died but for some reason I'm unable to believe that anyone would cry for mine. Of course these thoughts just stem from this whole PTSD thing and the pain that rises from within my dark center.

Now that I've written and gotten some of it, I suppose I should try to close my eyes but the fear of knowing what lies in my mind will probably continue to keep me awake (which stinks because I have an early morning and a long day ahead). Oh well. I guess it'll always be this way at least that's what my "diagnosis" tells me...

I Will Not Be Silenced

Last night after having a fairly nice day I was shocked by something that happened. As my friend and I walked from the library back to the car after our classes were over we were talking about nothing real important. Just having friendly conversation and talking about how we wish there was a coffee place open on that side of town. Then a voice comes from behind us (apparently a class had gotten out and they were all headed back to their cars in silence) and asks in a rather rude and sarcastic tone, "Can you talk any louder?"

I replied with "why yes I can. thank you....at least we're outside."

She got all huffy puffy and walked past us as the rest of her class followed behind in silence most looking at their phones. And I spent the next 10 minute drive back to my friend's house complaining, rather loudly, about how rude this girl was and wondering why she felt my conversation with my friend had any impact on her whatsoever. She was also following incredibly close to us.

10 minutes of my life was way too much time worrying about this girl. Why she felt the need to silence me when I was having a light hearted conversation with my friend is beyond me. And it got me thinking and then this girl became a teaching from my awesome God.

You see, I spent a lot of my years growing up silent. I was under the impression that what I had to say was stupid and not important. And when I finally spoke the truth about my life the people who should have believed did not thus nailing home the fact that my voice was unimportant and my life didn't matter. The enemy of my soul whispered this fact into my ear for many, many years and I began to believe it at a very young age. But through the hard work of learning to take my thoughts captive and replace them with God's truth I have learned that my voice is just as important as anyone else's voice.

It was as if the devil used this girl to try and get to me again, to silence me, to make me feel bad about speaking. The devil doesn't want me speaking, he doesn't want me typing and he definitely doesn't me thinking I have something to say or type. You see, I have a testimony of how God's heart broke for me as a child being forgotten, unloved and abused. My testimony includes the love God had for me when I was stuck in depression and incredibly suicidal. And I have a story that tells of how God reached into my depths and taught me how to live close to His heart and in His truth! The enemy of my soul doesn't like that this is my story because he wanted to keep me in depression and he wanted me to succeed in taking my own life. This demon is after my soul and he will use strangers like this girl to trick me back into his hands. Only, he doesn't succeed.

Perhaps this girl was having a rough day. Maybe she was frustrated with her class. Maybe a loved one has recently passed away and she's struggling to understand. Perhaps she was incredibly focused on whatever she was looking at on her phone and my voice was distracting her. Obviously she has a lot of growing up to do because she could have just asked me nicely to keep it down while we walked but she used a very childish and immature tone. I'm not sure what was going on in her heart and her life at that moment but I'm sure it had nothing to do with the volume of my voice (and ya'll that know me, know that I've got a loud voice that carries a little too well, but that'll come in handy when I'm a teacher). I prayed for her and then went back and enjoyed the night with my friend, watching the premier of a television show and went home and didn't think of her again until I started writing this. I hope today is better for her.

Oh the things I learn from an obvious attack of the enemy. It wasn't the girl, it was satan trying to find a way back into my heart. But the problem with that is I've got God on my side and He likes to show up and fight for and with me when stuff like that happens. For I am the daughter of the Most High King and my voice matters in this world and I will not be silenced!

They love him so much...

It's a punch to stomach every time. Every time a family member of mine shows their love for him. Every time they post about their dad. Every time they love him.

I can't help but be overwhelmed with the possibility that I'm lying. That the devil has caused me to be crazy and to remember things that aren't true. As soon as I read her post that showed her love and respect for this man I was immediately in pain. The physical pain that comes with them loving him knocks the wind out of me every time. And I start to question why?

Why am I here alone? Why does he get my family? Why do they love him so much? Why did they cast me aside so easily? Why do I think I can get over it? Why do continue to fight my reality? Why does he get to be happy and I have to be miserable? Why did he do this to me? Why don't they believe me? Why don't they love me like they love him? Why am I stuck in this place where people think I'm doing great but when my reality sets in I lose all my steam? Why??????

The "whys" overwhelm my senses. The questioning begins. I can't help but feel I'm completely to blame for my pain. I told my mother I couldn't have a relationship with her while she was still with him. I brought the hate my brother feels towards me upon myself. I put my sister in the the position of being my only family left. But I tried with my grandmother the only way I knew how and she ignored me while responding to my cousins. It's like they've all joined forces to love him and hate me.

They physical pain that comes with my reality is often times too much to bear. I'm not sure how I get through it now but somehow I pray that the thoughts in my head that lead to the sharp objects go away. Those voices that tell me how I'll fee better after seeing the red scream in my ear begging me to give in. Are any of my long sleeve shirts clean? Where could you do it?

A whole new set of "whys" enter my mind. Why do they have so much power over me? Why does it hurt so much? Why can't I be free of them? Why does he still control me? Why can't I just enjoy my life here without thinking of them over there? Why am I still so easily hurt by their darkness? Why do I still feel like a victim  when it comes to them, to him?

I don't know how I survive the pain any more. It's definitely not on my own strength. The wound in my soul has been ripped open today and it will take a few days to mend again. My broken heart needs the Healer. It wasn't an attack on me by my sister but it was an attack. Who am I to think I could be free of him? Of them?

Shepherd, guide me. Show me the meaning in all of this. Teach me how to break free. Heal this pain that reaches into my inmost depths. Be with me.