Reflection on Bullying

I learned of a young boy who committed suicide due to the depression he must have felt due to the horrific bullying he was forced to endure at school. My heart broke and my eyes shed tears as I listened to the story of this boys family. His absence leaves a whole in their family unit and they will forever miss him.

This got me thinking about my own personal experiences with bullying and what I should do with those experiences. This is my attempt to straighten out some thoughts in my head and maybe make an impact on someone's life.

I was bullied my whole life. Guess that's just the reality I had to deal with at a young age due to the anger problems my older brother had. Being called names, kicked, forced to do what he said...these things were just the beginning of the life of a victim. I was 10 years old when we moved to a new city with my mother's boyfriend (who later became my mother's husband). This change in environment meant a new school.

Switching schools is always hard for a kid. You never know what to expect. You try your hardest to be someone that other kids will like but when that fails you get stuck in the corner, alone and afraid of what they others might say. It was this point in my life that making friends became too hard. Plus, when you add in the way my brother continued to treat me, I was certain that I was no good for anyone. And of course the added problems due to the sexual abuse I was victim to on a regular basis. All of these horrible things combined to make me the perfect victim for constant bullying - every where I went.

I believe it was here that depression began to sink in. I would turn to food for comfort - which only added to the amunition for the others to use against me.

At 12 years old we moved again. This time it was a whole new state, a whole new way of living, a whole new world in which I had no idead how to function. My world was turned upside down and the only thing that was familiar was the bullying. In this new world however, the bullying was much more vicious. Teams of kids would taunt me while walking in the halls or walking home. While waiting in line kids would throw things at me, hit me in the back on the knees with their backpacks - waiting to see if my knees would collapse which would only make the laughing louder. All throughout middle school I was afraid to be around the other kids. Things at home only got worse and I was for certain that my life was worthless.

Depression ruled my life at such a young age. The tormenting words of so many other people haunted my every move. I silenced myself as to not give anyone any more reason to hate me. I would leave our apartment as early as possible to avoid things that happened there and to avoid the "walking" crowd of students. I would sneak into the building and then hide in the bathroom until first period. I would go throughout the day like a zombie, just barely getting to my next class. After last period I would rush to my locker, grab my stuff and head out the door. If I didn't make it before the "walking" crowd headed out, then I would hide once again in the bathroom and wait until the halls were cleared and the busses had pulled away. I tried to hide, be invisible. But, being overweight made this difficult because no matter how hard I tried I was still in the way and still the best object to bully. Even those few people I considered "friends" would say things about me.

Finally, one morning I was listening the school annoucements and I found a way out. I was in the 9th grade and had just learned of a school were you lived on campus and did lots of math and science stuff. To this day I still don't think I was smart enough to get in and attend this school. I definitely didn't make the most of my time there. But it was God's way of giving me a glimmer of hope. I applied, got in and spent my summer at a program for "at-risk" kids and then began attending in the fall of my sophomore year.

This school was better. However, the lasting effects of all those years of bullying meant that I didn't know how to make friends very well. Each year there I had a new set of friends because for some reason I wasn't good enough to keep around. By graduation the people I spent time with that first summer had tossed me to the curb and the new ones I was trying to make weren't very interested.

The bullying I experienced during my growing up years definitely had a lasting impact on my life. I have struggled with several eating disordes, self-harm, alochol, suicide, and depression. My mind was so warped by all the things other people had spoken over me that I had no idea who I was or what I was worth. I lived in complete isolation and fear. I was trapped by the haunting of voices that said I was worthles.

Thankfully, my mind has been renewed because I have worked on it. I am in the process of learning exactly who I am in Christ and Who's I am. Even with as much of the filth that I have cleansed from my mind, I still find those little parts of my former bullies rising up at different moments. The one time a coworker isn't happy with something I've done or said - all the old voices rush back and try to torment me into silence again. I am learning and growing how to not be a victim of bullying. I have done a lot of growing when it comes to other things in my past, but this whole bullying thing is very central to the way I live now.

Growing up if we were sad because another kid called us a name our parents would say "it's because he likes you" or "kids will be kids." I think these phrases should be erased from every adults vocabulary. They only make the child feel worse for being sad that someone out there thinks less of them. Instead, we should diligently pursue teaching each and every kid the proper way to respect one another. This of course means that adults must learn how to do the same - which can be a whole new challenge.

Being the victim of an action that degrades the very essence of who God made us to be has a lasting effect on everyone. We lose a bit of our design. We must grow up and learn how to function with a piece of us missing. If we are wise, we let God restore us to a whole new creation with an entirely different and more amazing purpose. We don't have to remain the victim. We gain our strength from God and fight for what He wants to give us.

I am glad that I am no longer in situations where I am a victim. I spent many years there even after I was physically away from the situation. Hopefully, those of you reading this who are still under the control of your former or current bullies will glean a sense of hope from this posting. You can email me if you want resources to help bring you out of the darkness or just a listening ear (or eyes).

So Many Paths Before Me

Recently I've been dreaming of all the things I'd love to do personally, professionally, just for fun and just for God. I guess this whole coming up to my 25th birthday has kinda got me wondering what I want to do with this life I've been given.

I have a dream of opening a home for victims of sex trafficking. This is my biggest dream and of course the one that seems impossible. This goal of mine was given to me from God, it's too big for me to dream up on my own. I believe that somewhere down the road, this will happen.

I have a dream to live in a big city and write for a television show or a movie or a magazine or newspaper. This dream seems a little more attainable for me. People tell me all the time that they enjoy my writings. But I don't know how to go about making this dream a reality. Plus, the concerns about leaving the unbelievably, amazing support system God has blessed me with in this community and leaving all my little "nieces and nephews" make me want to stay. How do I know what I'm supposed to do? Go after a dream or just be happy with what I have been given?

I have a dream to go back to school. I want to earn a degree in writing/journalism/english. I want to earn a degree in social work and ministry leadership. But how do I go back to school without taking out more loans? How do I decide if loans are going to be worth it? How do I manage to earn this degrees while still providing a roof over my head and food on my table? I am very fortunate to not have children that depend on me but I still don't know how to make this happen. How do I keep my job and go to school for a degree that's not offered online or at night?

I have a dream to have a family. This dream is most seemingly impossible for me. Only God can make this dream come to life. Do I stay where I'm at for this dream to come true? Is moving to a new city going to help this come to life?

Which dream and goal is important? How do I go about achieving these dreams? How do I choose? I feel very trapped in my current situation. Of course I am growing in my spiritual relationship with Christ - which is always good. But my personal and professional lives just feel very stuck. I'm not doing what I love to do. I'm paying my bills, volunteering my time, and enjoying life ~ I just have these dreams and I don't know how to make them come true.

I'm standing at this point in my life with many roads before me. How do I pick which one to take? I can't let fear keep me stuck in this spot, never choosing, never taking risks and always playing it safe. How do I know which road is less traveled?

So many roads, so many options and yet how do I make the decision on which dream to go after?

A Holiday Week Full of Love

This past holiday week I have had many messages from God. Please be patient as I attempt to portray what has been swirling around my heart for the past week through written words.

Last Monday, I went to chruch to help set up the stage for our new Advent series. This was a time of fun and laughter with some great creative people I have the honor of knowing. At the end of the night, I was given a 5 1/2 foot tall Christmas Tree for my house (this was a tree that had been donated last year and was not being used this year). I brought it home and immediately put it up. I used lights, a few ornaments and the angel topper that was given to me last year by a few of my lovely coworkers. I used tinsel that I bought last year. I even used some ornament bulbs that I had taken home from a Christmas party I attended 5 years ago. As I sat there, in the dark room with the tree glowing all different colors, lights reflecting off of the ornaments, my heart was filled to overflowing with the love of God. Thinking of all the people that have played a role in the ongoing journey of getting a tree for my home, I was consumed with the love that flowed from them to me. God whispered to my heart, as I sat there with the wonderment of a child, "Christmas is good, Beloved. Christmas is good."

I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that holidays, especially Christmas, could be good again. I was brought back to the holidays before my brother started having behavior problems, before my parents hated each other, before the sexual abuse started and before we moved to a new city, before the bullying started and before I was lost in depression, before I spent my days cutting my own skin, before all the suicide attempts, when Christmas and holidays were good. Experiencing the holidays like a child, that's what this year is going to be about. It's going to be about the now and the hope of the future. It's going to be about making handmade gifts - maybe not perfect, but definitely made with love. It's going to be about helping those who need help and loving those who have no one to love them."Christmas is good, Beloved. Christmas is good."

Fast forward to Thanksgiving Day...It's been 6 years since I've lived on my own for Thanksgiving. This year, I was determined to not spend the day feeling lonely and sad because I was unable to be with my blood family. Afterall, they are not that healthy to be around and I haven't spent a holiday with them in a very long time. I figured I would do all I could to not be alone on Thanksgiving. I was blessed, because I got the opportunity to spend the morning delivering dinner to seniors who had no where else to go and are homebound. I even had a few left over dinners and was given permission to give them to any one I saw who was in need of dinner. I gave them out to a few seniors and then dropped off dinner to a family of 4 who were not able to have a "Thanksgiving Day Dinner" with the rest of their family. Two of the seniors gave me "thank you" cards. They both expressed how appreciative they were for the meal and the driver. I realized, through one man's words, just how blessed I truely am and how not alone I actually am. I was given a glimpse into what true loneliness is and I am so grateful that I was invited to spend Thanksgiving with several friends and that I had the ability to choose how I spent my holiday.

After delivering dinners, I got in my car and headed down to visit a dear friend and her daughters - who have become like family to me over the past 6 years that I've known them. I had a wonderful weekend, just enjoying time with people who love me for me and who always know how to make me loved so completely. Watching my "nieces" grow up has been fun because they have a true childhood and I am so happy that they are able to experience their youth without growing up too fast or being abused. Being a part of their lives as "Ti-Ti" has been one of the most amazing experiences in my life. I am sad that I am not apart of my blood niece and nephew's lives like I am for all the little ones that call me "Ti-Ti" but I am determined that one day, my brother and sister and I will be reunited and happy again...one day. And I can be an aunt to my niece and nephew (and anymore that come along in that time). I definitely enjoyed being "Ti-Ti" with them again!

Of course, I stayed a few hours longer than I had originally planned, but it was all good because I still got home safely. Throughout the drive, I listened to a few cd's from when I was younger. I had to use my portable CD player because I have lost my mp3 player, but it turned out to be a great thing. I rediscovered a few songs that got me through so much turmoil when I was a pre-teen and teen. I was able to think back on those times with these songs and I am so glad to be alive today. One of the songs is "Alive" by Jennifer Lopez. This is a song she wrote for the movie Enough, where she plays a woman in an abusive relationship who discovers her strength and fights for her freedom. In this song, she talks about being "happy just to be me and be alive." This song got me through such pain and struggle. And this line, is so true to me today because through everything I have been through and probably everything that is to come, I am happy to be me and be alive!!!

What a week of learning and discovering this has been! I am happy with where I am at and I am looking forward to experiencing a good Christmas again.

Merry Christmas!

Thoughts of My Mother Part 2

Last week I wrote about my mother. I wrote about her as the little girl who was betrayed and abandoned by the person she needed to be perfect enough to protect her. Thinking about my mother from the perspective of her little girl, I was hurt, angry, confused and lost. Then, God began to do what only He can do....

Thoughts of my mother sadden me. A woman so broken by the world, unable to escape the darkness. Lost in a world of plastic happiness with the weight of unbearable truth on her shoulders. A forced smile upon her face and a heart with many holes.

Thoughts of my mother break my heart. A young single mother of three small children. Struggling to pay the bills and put food on the table. Walking and taking the bus to her destinations. The stress of keeping a roof over her children's heads. Working any job she could find. An ex-husband who treats her like dirt and a son with behavioral and mental difficulties. A woman without true friends to hold her up during difficult times.

Thoughts of my mother make me want to open my arms. A little girl with a father who abandoned their family. A little girl teased by her siblings and probably others. A little girls who's story is so hidden behind the forced smile. A young teen caught up in the world. A very young mother who felt she had no choice to end a pregancy. A teen trying to find her place in a great big world.

Thoughts of my mother help me understand. She has her own walls too. She needs forgiveness and compassion. She is simply a woman guarding her heart towards the things that are too painful. A woman who has yet to discover the courage within her to face the darkness and overcome with Christ. A woman who has done her best to survive the schemes of hell.

My mother: a soul on a journey.


I may not be completely unhurt by the choices made by the woman I have described, but I now see her as more than just the person who hurt me. She has become a real soul with a real story and a real desire for Christ. I may not be ready at this time in my life to begin a relationship with this woman, but I am learning to forgive her and understand the brokeness that has led to decisions she has made in her life that have affected me. I'm learning to see my mother through the eyes of God and for that I am grateful. The hurt she has caused in my life is no longer about how "bad" I am/was but about how broken her soul is. I don't know everything about this woman and where she is with Christ but I can see the love God has for her and I can feel how deeply He desires her to find the true freedom in her life. I love my mother and I desire to be the woman of God she can look to for support on her journey. One day I pray that to be the case in our relationship. Right now, I pray from afar and I forgive her for the decisions she made. I pray that she can forgive me for any hurtful things I may have said in my pain and that one day she finds the courage to face the darkness of lies and come to the light of truth.

Thoughts of My Mother Consume Me

Thoughts of my mother consume me. Thoughts about what I'm missing. This hole in my life that can never be filled - though I try. I'm reminded of how God loves me and how He adopted me into His family - yet the sadness of not having my mother in my life is overwhelming. I cling to the knowledge that I belong in God's family and He only wants what is best for me - otherwise I am sure to drown in the ocean of despair and run back to a family that broke me so completely.

Thoughts of my mother bring pain. The tears that drop from my face onto my hands take me by surprise as I replay the very few sweet memories of my life with her. And then the gates break loose and I can't stop them anymore as my memories turn bitter. The memories all spin together and I find myself struggling to hold on to the promises of my Heavenly Father.

Thoughts of my mother break my heart. I can't focus on anything else. I discover that my sister is now married and I'm thrown into the fact that my mother will never know when I'm married. She is not apart of the bright future I know is waiting for me. The day everything changed and I stood alone on the side of the road with no where to go comes rushing to the front of my mind. I am flooded with the pain as she tells me she will not make her husband leave and in that moment she chooses to abandon me for the person who tore me apart at such a young age.

Thoughts of my mother make it hard to breathe. And in these times when the pain is intense, I want nothing more than to be held by my mother, secure in the arms of the person who, at one time, was the safest person in my world. Yet here I am, alone and unable to trust anyone to come in - afterall the wonderful women God has given me are simply not my mother and I am not their daughter. As I struggle to catch my next breath, I say my breath prayer: "Perfect Protector, hold my heart, Perfect Father, hold me close."

Thoughts of my mother make everything seem wrong. Why can't I have my mother? Aren't I the victim in this situation? Why am I being punished? What is the purpose in this? How can I want something that is obviously a negative thing in my life? How did I get here?

After an unmeasurable amount of tears dropping from my eyes, I am so broken and raw, alone and vunerable. My Heavenly Father speaks to me: "Beloved, I know what it is to be abandoned, hated and turned against. I understand the feelings of grief that consume you right now. I promise that I have plans for your future and they are full of hope. My darling daughter, I have your heart in my hands and I am your Restorer. I will continue to guide you on your journey and I will not let you drown. You are my Beloved and I love you. Fill your heart with me and I will always be there."

Thoughts of my Father make things seem right. This windy, narrow path filled with life and joy is the one I will stay on. Though I stumble, He is there to catch me. In the quietness of my broken soul, He continues a good and perfect work. And while I think of my mother, He holds me while the tears flow. He promises me a future where today's pain has purpose and though I can't see it, I trust in what He says.

Thoughts of my mother consume me.

Mercy Reflections

Tonight as I sit in the kitchen, after a evening babysitting, reading one of the "Mercy For" books, I am reminded of what I learned during my time at Mercy Ministries. The last two months I spent in the Mercy home were the most freeing months. I had surrendered to God's plan even though I wanted out sooner. I woke up every morning excited about what was to come. I took my "Cap-sules" (inside Mercy joke) of God's truth every morning before 9am. I was taking care of my body in ways I never knew I could. I was loved and I knew it. And I was genuinely happy with my life despite all the junk in it.

Now, almost three years after I walked out of the doors of Mercy, I have been trying to get that feeling back. The feeling of connectedness to God and knowing without a doubt that I was loved and headed in the right direction. Over the years the Mercy sisters I knew at the home have gone in different directions. They have gone back to their dysfunctional homes and have become victims to the devil's world once again. Only a few that I have kept in touch with are doing well - though many graduates of Mercy do extremely well, some of the ones I kept in touch with lost the freedom they received.

I have been so fortunate to be in a wonderful church community where I am poured into on a regular basis. I also have the privilege of "unofficially" mentoring a handful of girls as well. And though I am far from perfect and  struggle-free, I remember what it is I learned at Mercy.

God is truth, love and joy. Satan is a liar, destroyer and thief.

My time at Mercy Ministries gave me this amazing ability to take the chatter of the devil and the clutter of the world captive. I have the Voice of Truth so deeply rooted in my soul, that I can fight my enemy any time, any where. Speaking aloud that I am the kid of the King and my sins were cleansed the day Jesus gave up His life for my soul.  Satan likes to scream at the top of his lungs and the distractions of the world are very demanding. However, that Voice of Truth likes to speak in the quietness and Mercy was able to help me tune in to the quiet spaces.

My life is not perfect. I still have a very dysfunctional family that I cannot let back into my life any time soon. Yet, I am so incredibly grateful for the life God has given me. That wasn't true three and a half years ago when yet another suicide attempt failed. And it definitely wasn't how I felt 7 years ago when my daily life was a living hell (inside and outside the home).

Today, I have friends that I love. I have children that call me "Aunt" because I am close with their families. I am blessed to be in a church where I can serve and be fed. The job God has blessed with me is filled with strong, courageous women that call me a "baby" and give me hope for my future and comes with great benefits. I have a car that transports me where I need to be (may be a very old junker, but it works and its paid off). And I am learning how to give back to girls who have been victims of horrible crimes. God has placed me on the path of going on a mission trip to Cambodia next year and has blessed that road already.  This life I live today, so radically different from three and half a years ago, is more than I could have ever imagined and it only gets better with every sunrise!

I am overwhelmed with the life that Mercy Ministries prepared me for and the eternal gifts I received while there. With a renewed mind and refreshed soul, I continue on my journey to knowing God more intimately and serving Him more passionately.

My God truly is a miracle worker and I am thankful for today!

Trying to Breathe

I really need to just write this down and get it out before it consumes me any further. I feel like I'm losing the battle again and that the darkness is going to envelope me any minute.

I went to visit my sister and niece so we could celebrate my niece's 2nd birthday. I know that its important to both of us to keep the door open in our relationship and I really thought I had my emotions under control this time. I guess I should know better by now. My sister isn't the problem here, but its everything she represents for me.

She was around when life sucked the most. She is my only link to my family (as I have deleted them all from my fb account). She is happy with them and they are her home. She is the image and desire for a family for me. And while I enjoy her company, it is hard because she lives a very different lifestyle than I am accustomed to in my life. She embodies the life I left behind and the family that betrayed me. And while I don't blame my sister for anything that happened, she too loves my abuser and chooses him. My therapist often asks me why I don't have a serious talk with her and its because I am too afraid she will choose to be in his life and she won't fight for me. I just can't be hurt by family again - I don't think I could survive it.

So now, a few days later, I find myself trying to keep my mind occupied so that I am not crying or letting the thought of self-harm get too strong. I find myself in pain over the decisions my family has made and the fact that I'm back in this small town without my family.

I am grateful for my life here. I have many people who care deeply for me and I for them. I have a great job and friends to hang with. I have a wonderful church where my soul is fed and I am able to serve. I have amazing opportunities to reach into the lives of others and share the love of Christ with them. I have an apartment and food. I am grateful that I no longer live the life I once did.

And yet, even with all that, the wound in my soul aches, threatening to rip open at any time, throwing me into a downward spiral that I won't be able to get out of. It is in this place of pain that I should let someone in and ask them to be there as I cry and yet all I keep doing is fighting the tears away, trying to breathe and regain control of my being. The darkness that waits just inches away for an opening to take me under frightens me into silence and I can't find my voice. I look through my contacts and can't find a person I would want to show this side of me to. It is here that I feel most alone and most worthless.

And while I know my God is not far away, I can't handle going deeper into the wound. I don't think I'd survive the pain that is overwhelming even while I'm keeping it at bay. I'm trying to hear His voice but the pain from inside shouts so loudly. I'm trying to stay calm but the anxiety within has me hyperventilating.

So I smile and I try to breathe......

I Just Keep Learning Trom Cartoons!

My last post was about what I learned from the Smurfs....this time it's Mickey Mouse!

I was over at my friend's house yesterday and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was playing in the background. If you've ever seen the show you know that the clubhouse has "Handy Helpers" which are basically a bunch of mechanical butlers shaped like Mickey's glove (which kinda sounds weird so here's a picture).

So in the episode the doorbell rings and the handy helper gets stuck and is unable to open the door. This throws Mickey into a mini whirlwind because he fears his friends can't get inside without the handy helper opening the door! Eeek! Then good ol' Pluto comes to  the rescue and points with his ear to the doorknob which Mickey realizes he must open himself in order for his friends to join him. Once inside, the friends join Mickey in figuring out what's wrong the machines and how to fix it. But it was the beinning of the episode that grabbed my attention....

We are so dependent on technology these days that even Mickey Mouse doesn't know how to function without it - in turn teaching our young ones that they too will have a hard time without technology. I have a friend with a 5 year old boy who can search youtube.com all by himself and knows how to use the laptop. My other friend has a 3 year old girl who can open up the dvd player and get the movie she wants to watch all set up to play. And younger and younger kids are exposed to cell phones and laptops.

Its like we're set up from infancy to be dependent on technology. You wouldn't even be reading this and I wouldn't be writing this without technology. I noticed that once I got a smart phone I couldn't put it down and even today, 6 weeks later, I have a difficult time stepping away from email, twitter, facebook, games and text messages. We can follow what celebrities are up to, checking out the pictures and videos they post and the websites they recommend. We can follow blogs about food, animals, organizations, politics and any other topic under the sun. We live with the whole wide world at our fingertips.

I shut down my facebook account on August 31st and while I've had time without facebook before this time it is different. I've noticed my friends are going through difficult times and they just assume I've read their recent status and so they don't reach out to me any other way. I notice that I miss the statuses of friends who post encouraging Scriptures or quotes. I've felt much more out of the loop with the people that I'm around daily this time around than before - not to mention all of my friends that are at a major distance from me.

I think I (and possibly the majority of Americans) have become dependent on feeling connected to the world and this false sense of connection takes me away from the only true connection that can fill the whole in my soul. As hard as I strive to feel connected to the celebrities I follow on twitter, I should be striving twice as hard to feel connected to my Abba Father.

The sense of belonging that we're looking for in facebook and twitter and blogs won't be filled there. The desire to be connected was placed in our souls when God created us. He knew that we would need to have strong, intimate connections with Him and the people He's placed in our life. He knew that it would be good for us to have strong bonds with some of His other creations so that our souls would be whole and not lacking. The heart strings that we form with people help us know that we are not alone in the world - even when it feels like we are. And the most important connection we can develop is the one with have with Christ.

I am committing my lunchtime at work to spend in God's Word - because I know that mornings are busy and evenings I'm tired. I am going to turn my facebook account back on and use it for sharing information (like this blog, articles I come across and what not) and for touching base with a few people. I will not check my facebook before 8am and refuse to be ruled by it! My goal is to take the excess time that was filled with facebook, twitter, games and surfing the web and put it into forming my connection with God and strengthening my friendships. I'll keep you updated!

Lessons from the Smurfs

I love when God speaks to me while in a movie theater.

A few weeks ago I went to see the Smurf movie with a friend of mine. Yes, I am 24 and absolutely loved this movie. It was fun, had cheesy cgi animations that cracked me up, two actors that I happen to know because they've been on Glee, recognizable celeb voices and of course the underdog wins in the end! And still there was a deeper lesson I learned.

All the smurfs are named for their personailties: narrator smurf narrates, clumsy smurf is clumsy, vanity smurf carries a mirror, handy smurf fixes stuff, grouchy smurf is always grouchy, and baker smurf is the baker. In the movie the smurfs are asked if they're they way they are because of their names or were they named because of how they are. They answer "yes."

While sitting in the front row watching a big screen of moving pictures my heart broke a little. I wondered if we humanoids are not that much different from the mythical smurf creatures. When a girl is called stupid her whole life does she succeed in school? If a boy is called nerdy does he join the football team? If a girl is called fat does she eat? When a boy is called a jock does he do well in school?

When you are called something your whole life, don't you tend to fit into that sterotypical category? Don't we see ourselves as the ugly, nerd who hides inside all day or the fat, brainiac that reads all day?

I think this goes deeper than the sterotypical cliches of life. When you've been mistreated your whole life do you believe this is all you're meant to be? When no one shows you love do you believe you're unloveable? When you've been abandoned do you believe you'll always be alone? And when you've struggled all your life do you believe it ever gets easier?

Watching this movie and having all of this play in my head I felt God whisper to me, "Beloved, what if I called you beautiful? What if I called you loved? What if I called you warrior? What if I called you joy? What if I called you mighty? What if I called you Mine?"

And I got to thinking, what if everyone knew what God called them? What if everyone knew how precious they were to Him and how in love He is with them? What if you knew God called you wonderful? What if you knew that God called you strong?

Would it even matter that the world called you weak, ugly, dumb, useless, worthless and dirty?
What if everyone knew they belonged to God and not the world?

I imagine the ones who listen to the voice of truth live by that truth. You can see it in their smile, in their fierce overcoming spirit and in the way the can enjoy life despite the storms that come. I also imagine that when a person grabs tight to the truth that God speaks over them, there is nothing that can stop them from living a transforming life that brings the love of Christ to everyone around them.

Thanks to the Smurfs for helping me hear the difference between the voice of the world and the voice of God.

One Great Liar

My heart breaks open as I continue on this journey. I recently discovered that I may sicker than I thought I was. I discovered that I am a very convincing liar and am able to portray to others exactly what I want them to see. My friend told me that the word "perfectionist" and the thought of me go together. Which was odd to me as I thought about how I've allowed myself to become the weight that I am and how messy my apartment is. I knew how much of a failure I was and how could she not know that too? I knew my thoughts and I knew my actions and I knew that I was farther from perfect than the worse person you could imagine. I knew I wasn't perfect and I definitely was not a "perfectionist."

Then I got to thinking....most people see a smile, know I love God, see my work ethic, see how I take pride in projection being perfect on Sunday mornings and see a giver. I realized as I walked out of my counselor's office this week without confessing to falling into major temptation that there are lots of things she doesn't know about me. I realized this past week or so that I am a great liar and people look at me and think that I have it all together and on the right path...and I have lied to them because I am not those things.

The wounds on my arms, the pounds on my body, the tears I cry and the dark thoughts in my head...those things I keep hidden even from the people I know think they love me and have earned my trust over the years.

As I continue to be honest with myself, I discovered that I don't feel worthy of being loved...still after all this time and graduating Mercy and everything...I still believe that I'm not perfect enough. I hide my imperfections in my weight and my insurance has asked me to work on that in order to keep my benefits - so now my only protection is being taken away from me and I can't handle the pressure. When I focus on that stuff, I get sick..I start purging, negative self-talk becomes rampant and I give in to self-harm.

All I want to be is the person I'm supposed to be at this point in my life. I'm not supposed to be depressed. I'm not supposed to be self-harming. I'm not supposed to feel unloveable. I'm not supposed to be this fat again. I am not supposed to feel distant from God. And I'm not supposed to be sick. I'm supposed to be living in freedom and yet the more honest I get with myself, the more I realize just how trapped I truly am.

My sister very well may be moving out to where the rest of our family is. She's the last thing I have to family and I know that if she moves our relationship with die. I also know, that as the days tick by and nothing comes from making that police report, I just want to take it all back - from the very beginning. I just want to have my mother back and I can't have her back because she belongs to my abuser. And I wonder to myself if on some level if I still feel as though I belong to him....that's really messed up.

I don't want to be this sick person anymore. And yet, I don't know if I'm ready to truly and 100 percent be honest with myself and where I am at currently. Honesty sucks and yet I know its the only way I'll get back to being completely free. But who do I trust with my most dark places? How do I move forward out of the dark? How do I face my fears and live life completely different? How do I move on? How do I do it safely without harming myself in any way?

I don't know what to do about being a liar. And I don't know what to do about these fears of mine.

Mother's Day Reflections

Mother's Day. Probably the day I dread the most out of the 365 each year. All holidays remind me of very seperated I am from my family, but this day reminds me most of how much my Mother has hurt me.

It is challenging to be in this place - a season of pain and joy. This grey area between hating my Mother for choosing my abuser and loving her so much it takes all I have to not call her. This piece of human nature that says Mothers love their children more than anything else on earth ~ its a lie that screams in my face every day (especially on Mother's Day).

My Mother once made promises to her brand new baby. She was with me as I struggled to survive in the NICU at Stanford and she was with me when I broke my wrist in Kindergarten. She was there when I started cheerleading and she was there on my 10th birthday. Then something changed and she was no longer present with me. She lived in the house I was abused in. She married the man that destroyed my soul. She pushed me aside when I started cutting. She begged me to lie to her about her husband. She told me I ruined her life and hung up the phone. She abandoned me when I needed her most.

I miss my Mother of my young childhood. I miss knowing that she loved me. I miss thinking that she'd believe me. I miss the Mom I had before. If only she would love me more than the person who tore me apart.

Even in the pain, I am thankful for the "moms and sisters" I have gained through Christ. For they keep teaching me what it means to love and be loved. Though I know I sometimes push them away, God has given me such wonderful women to learn from and trust in. Its not the same of course, for my Mother has wounded my ability to be a daughter, but I'll take it and hope one day I able to break the curse that was bestowed upon me.

This day is hard for my soul to bear.

So many thoughts and emotions....

Somehow, I've lost myself in looking at your pictures. You seem to have been getting in shape. I remember when I was doing better with weight loss - but somehow the way you controlled me all those years brought back all the fears and I gained it all back. Thankfully - even though I'm scared to death of losing the weight, my insurance is now making it almost impossible to not do something about it. Now, it just comes down to doing it. I've let you hold me in silence for all these years and as I see you lose weight and become healthy, it makes me hate you even more. To think that somehow you're life is good and well and you're not struggling - makes me want to scream. How can you be living such a life after the horrible things you did and never admitted to? How did I get stuck with all the guilt and shame and fear?

I have struggled with allowing myself to lose weight - in the back of my mind I constantly worry that someone else will do what you did. I am scared to death of finding a husband and being married because I don't know if I'll ever be well enough to want someone's affection again. You have me scarred with filth and it seems as though since I've been BIG no one cares to look at me with the same eyes you once did. I like it that way. Those times when I was younger and those people pulled up to the side of the road - I'm grateful that I never got in their cars, I'm grateful that I no longer get that happening to me. And yet, I know I enjoy being healthy and I liked it when I had lost all that weight, except for the fear that came with it.

I have all these thoughts going around in my head and now I'm predicting tonight to be a stressful night and not getting much sleep.

I hate that you messed up my life and I'll know never know a life where abuse wasn't there. I'll never understand what it means to go into a marriage clean. You stole my life when I was only 10 years old and I am doing everything I can to get it back.I pray that I have lost weight before I actually see you face to face. I pray that I don't let you push me back into silence. I pray that I'm following God's will and that He works everything out. I'm not sure I'm up for jumping through ropes or drawn out trials. I just want this to be over with. I want to over come you and everything you mean in my world. I want to be on the other side of this so that my story will matter.

The day just keeps getting closer to when I take the first step in fighting you and everything that tells me I was in the wrong. I was a child and you twisted my world to revolve around you and sexual things to please you. It was wrong what you did and I pray that the verdict turns out in my favor in the end for I do not know if I can handle a jury saying otherwise. I do pray that I have the strength to sit in front of you and my mother and share the story from my lips for the first time and that you realize what you did and just how traumatizing it really was to my soul. My wound will bleed that day and it will be because of you.

23 1/2 days left....

23 days left until I meet with a legal advocate. 24 days till I make my way to two police stations and change the lives of everyone affected by what the monster did to me. Today, I sat in my living room journaling to my Jesus, and the fear just overwhelmed me. The pain that comes from the very center of my being and tries to overtake my life is often too much to bear. I am grateful for my Savior in these moments because I know that He is right there beside me, protecting me and calming me. Even when the pain is too much, I still feel confident in my decision and I know that this has to be done. As I write, talk and think about the memories that play in my mind, my humanness betrays me and fear, anger, depression and repulsion pulsates through my veins. The pain I keep in a locked vault leaks through the cracks and it takes a Savior to keep me from its devastating power.

In just over 3 weeks, I will have begun to do everything I can to prevent this monster from taking another child into its menacing grip.

I have this thought that keeps coming to mind ever since I thought it in counseling this week. "What if my mother knew?" "What if she 'sold' me to him in exchange for her own happiness?" "What if she wasn't as blind as I thought she was?" My mind plays these tricks on me, attacks from the evil one who wants to keep me quiet and locked in shame. Even if she didn't verbally say this is what she was doing, my feelings and thoughts make it obvious that her happiness was more important than my safety.

And today as I was preparing myself a little more for what's to come after my family becomes aware of the charges being pressed against their beloved father figure, the pain of a life lost was too much to bear. How do I defend my actions to my family members - by telling them of the girl he destroyed, how I will never be the person I could have been. My life ended after that first time and I am only now realizing that I have gotten it back, 100 fold with more to come.

My Savior keeps me safe now. He eases the pain that makes itself known without warning. He dries the tears and comforts me, a sinful human. My Savior is the only thing that keeps me from losing myself to the pain and is helping me to defeat it once and for all by guiding my footsteps and being in complete control.

Today as I feel the pain again, I also feel the comfort and I am so grateful for the comfort.