Courage from Pain

Your picture is available on facebook. Every time I look at your face, I feel as if I've taken a punch to the stomach. I quite literally feel the pain of your very existence in my life. And everytime I read your wife's statuses I am reminded of how weak she is and how greatly you have conditioned her mind to be solely devoted to you. I look into your eyes in your photograph and I remember the way they told me it was time. I see your smile and I know your teeth are all fake and I can feel your lips on my body. I see that you've lost weight and I can imagine you feel pretty good about yourself. I see the glasses set on your face held in position by your large nose and I see your age and my stomach churns with acid.


Slowly, this happy face of yours reveals the monster that lurks just beneath the surface. I don't know why I look at your picture because every time I do, the fear and shame come rushing to the surface. Your very picture ruins my day and I am doomed to spend the next few hours fighting depression - hoping to succeed and not have to deal with the pain any longer than needed.


And because of the emotions that come from looking at the picture of your evilness, I gain strength knowing that I can fight and overcome you. I must put aside the thoughts regarding my family and how they will respond. I must put aside the feelings that I get when I think about how this will cause drama in their lives. None of them even suspect that I am about to fight you, harder than you've ever been fought. For I am no longer a trapped 11 year old girl fighting for survival. I am a strong, woman of God who knows that what was done to her was extremely wrong. Since the truth has come out, you've been victorious in keeping me from knowing true, unconditional love from my family members. 5 years later, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loves me enough to perfectly orchestrate the persons who will be in the court room with us. I know that somehow, all of this is going to work out because God is in control and He is the One that wants this.



I can't believe its been 6 years since I've been home, since I've been in the same room with you, since I've even spoken your name. In February it will be 6 years since your wife called me, finally knowing the truth about you and telling me that I had just ruined her life. Though, it only seems to have gotten better for the two of you and my mother is now more dependent on you than she's ever been. My heart breaks into a million pieces when I think about all the pain you have caused me and my family. The very thought of going through with this legal process, brings back all the fears that you once controlled me with.

However, this pain that rips apart the center of my soul is exactly what drives me forward. I am pursuing this with God on my side, determined to do all that I can to keep more little girls from the same fate. The wound that bleeds from the simple image of your face is exactly what pushes me towards complete healing. I know that God will be standing next to me, holding me firm and upright as I do what He has asked of me. Through the pain, I am given courage to fight. I am taking back my voice and the control and God is the One I choose to please.

Its been 8 years...

The last time I saw my father, we ended up getting pulled over by the cops. My sister and I sat on the ground while the cops searched his car and decided that he would not be able to drive anymore. They had us call our aunt to come pick us up and they took him to the metro station. My aunt had horrible things to say about him while talking to my mother on the phone, updating her on how much of a loser our father is.

Then we visited this family that we grew up with. The girl that was my age had a baby prematurely, so I spent time in the hospital with her and the baby girl. The family was in the midst of a divorce. The older brother was a drug addict. The younger girl, probably followed in their steps. I don't even know their knows anymore.

We went to a few movies and that was it. 7 1/2 years later, he wants to see me. I thought it was longer than that, because I honestly don't remember visiting during high school, but apparently I did. Which makes a little bit of sense considering I did see my grandmother before she died, and she was sick at the time - so I was 15 or 16, not 13 or 14 like I thought.

Tomorrow night, I will see the man who handed me over to my mother's husband without ever really looking back. He wanted that man to adopt us, so he wouldn't be responsible for us financially - not like he ever paid anyways. I will see the face that goes with my the voice on the other end of the phone every couple of months for 10 minutes. This man who abused my mother and neglected us kids. Tomorrow I will have dinner with a man who my siblings hate. Tomorrow I will sit across the table from the person who did not protect me against the evil man my mother married.

I pray the weather is good and driving is not a problem...if I have to, I know backroads from half way of my trip to meet him.

I feel so emotionally drained already and I still have counseling and haven't even seen him yet. Geez. I hope this is the right thing to do. Maybe we'll get a freak blizzard and they'll cancel on me. I wouldn't be totally disappointed with that, especially since the weekend is going to be crazy weather. Sadness has quite a hold on me lately.

Beginning the Process

My fears grow bigger as I try to submit them over to Jesus. I continously bring them to His feet in hopes that He'll just make them go away. But the tears come when I think about the process I'm entering. I've made a decision to have my abuser prosecuted and with that confidence in Christ, satan is making every attempt to trap me into hiding again. But I refuse to go there. I want so much to allow Jesus this victory and to walk with Him through this battle. I feel weak and unable to win against this giant, but I believe that God is right there, planning out everything and who I need to talk with and how to go about gaining more freedom. Speaking my story in grave detail is scary, even just acknowledging it as something that happened to me and not something I did is scary. But in order for this to no longer have power over me, I have to face it head on.

My biggest fear in my selfish life is that my family will side with him, wholeheartedly. I fear that no one will stand by me when it comes to my family. No whether they will testify for him is another thing that I do not know. I hold on to this fantasy that one day, just maybe my mom will call me and tell me that she believes me and she's sorry and she's leaving him. I keep hoping that he'll just admit to what he did and give me back my family - allow us to heal without him in our way. Going through with this will bring out the truth, make everyone face it head on. I want them to hear what I have to say. I want them to care enough to listen to my voice and my story and know that I'm not just "sick."

My journey is just beginning with this. I keep handing over all my fears and doubts to Jesus, trusting Him that without this I'll be failing the little girls he comes into contact with now. I need to do everything in my power to prevent him from hurting them - everything. And that includes making him sit in front of me and listen to everything he did to me.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm not scared. But with this fear I will continue to walk with God in this process. I want Him to be the center of the whole thing. He's the person placing people in my life that can help me. As I play "phone tag" with the legal advocate in Illinois, I pray to Jesus that He calms my fears and helps me to be level headed during this process. I want only for my abuser to face what he did, be prevented from hurting other girls, and to no longer have power over me in anyway. I want to expose the reality that abusers are not just "crazies" running the streets, but are ministers, teachers, camp counselors and family members.

Step One of this process has begun. Tonight I meet with my pastor to pray about some of this stuff. I want to be in God's will for this. I don't want it to be my own selfishness. And I don't want him hurting those girls ~ they are who I think about. All it takes is one "accidental slip" of the hand to damage a child, he shouldn't have that opportunity at all.

So it begins.....

Family-less

I've been thinking about a lot these past few weeks. I have another topic I want to write about but its not as personal as what I need to write about at the moment...so this is for here and the other will be for facebook...

Today I saw a few pictures from my niece's first birthday party out in Las Vegas where the majority of my mother's side of the family resides. In these photos people were tagged to share the photo with, you know not just who's in the picture but who you want to see the picture...happens all the time. Am I tagged in any of them??? Nope.

I think right now, I'm slowly realizing that my blood family is not my real family. And what sucks is that they all think I am in the wrong here. That all I do is bring drama and what not. But I'm realizing that they just don't care enough about me to really love me the way I need. I spent some time visiting my sister in Chicago and I realized that my life is just so completely different from hers. Different priorities, different beliefs, different goals, different truths, different plans, different everything.

I'm reminded of the fact that I have been saved by grace and that in being sanctified with Christ, I have been set apart. I knew that I was different from my family the whole time. I never felt like I truly belonged with them. It became worse when my step father began abusing me sexually and I hated him and everyone else loved me. I knew I was different and that I just didn't belong there. And now I'm seeing that it is true, only I have the better life.

Its not to say that they live horrible lives, its just more stressed, filled with more discord, dysfunctional in ways. My life is simple, fairly stress free, stable, fun and filled with people who love the Lord. And even though it sucks sometimes that my mom isn't with me, I'm kinda glad, because I don't want a broken woman trying to be a mother to me.

I have a friend who looks at my decision to not speak with my mother and family as if its some horrible thing. But when I made the choice I was not thinking about what they would think or how they would feel, but about how much they tore me down and how miserable my life was with them in it. I am free from their control and I don't submit myself to their wickedness. I can forgive them and pray for them but I do not have to have them in my life.

It sucks because I imagine the conversations I'll have to have with my future husband about family and about my life. It will be extremely difficult to have my first baby and not have my mom there to support me and love me through it. It will also be extremely difficult to explain to my kids why they don't know their grandmother. And it's hard to watch as my mom pours love out on my nephew and niece, knowing that she will not have the chance to do so for my children.

My heart breaks at the reality that my blood family has turned their backs on me and has chosen to stay in darkness with my abuser. But my heart rejoices knowing that I have been adopted into the Family of God and I am the Kid of the King! For the first time in my life I have no major plans for the future. I don't expect anything to happen or to not happen. I have no plans. I'm simply opening myself up to whatever God has in store for me because I want to live the life He planned out and not the one I desire in my flesh.

I pray that my so called "family" opens their eyes to the Truth and the Light one day. When they do, I'll be ready to share with them and love them. But they hold too much power in their darkness and I fear that I may have to stop visiting my sister and my niece. It's not fair but I hate to feel like she's just some spy. I want them to be happy and I feel they never will be with me in the picture. I give up trying to fix it and am beginning to just accept what's happened in my life.

I am blessed by the family I have in this life of Light and Truth and Blessing. I desire to stay here and not go back.

bleeding again...

Tomorrow I'm embarking a new journey. I'm headed away from the world for three days. It's just gonna be me and Jesus, no cell phone, no t.v., no facebook, no internet. I'm scared and excited for this time away with Jesus. I think the thing that has me scared is that recently I've been doing some major work in the healing department. I've been hearing songs, reading books, listening to speakers and journaling. Stuff I've been doing for several years now, but these past few weeks have been extremely focused on getting another layer of dirt out of my wound.

Sunday I had the great opportunity to hear from Dr. David Loveless at our church. He talked about "Church Wounds" and hyprocisy. Lately in the class I'm taking on Wednesdays I've heard it talked about as someone "putting on the robe for Sunday, but living differently on Monday." Sunday it was about everyone being a sinner and God's forgiveness. I get it, I understand that I am a sinner and that God forgives me, sometimes even before I ask. But Pastor Loveless asked forgiveness on behalf of all the church leaders and "Christians" that have hurt me in the past. And yet for some reason, I just couldn't forgive the few people that have truly hurt me.

Sure, forgiving people who I thought were going to be there for me and then once again left, not a big deal. But these people who truly did me wrong. Abused me and abandoned me. These "Christians' that are supposed to be like Christ, that not only stabbed me but dug the knife deeper and deeper every chance they got (or get in some cases). How can I forgive them? How can I let the pain of this go? I have no idea. I can't even speak their names.

My therapist has been asking me to do a "trauma narrative" for like a month. I've dodged it every time. So, on Sunday I think, okay I need to try this. I started writing about why it is that I can't talk about any type of details about the things I went through growing up. I wrote it from the piece of me that is guilty and shameful of what I did. Then I started to write it from the piece of me that was hurt and abused and broken. That little girl that just didn't want to make anyone unhappy. I got to this point where a certain word needed to be written and I had a complete panic attack. My heart was racing, I was sobbing uncontrollably, I couldn't breathe and I had to find a way to numb out. I threw the pen down and walked away from the notebook. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't write this horrible truth. I could write the lies that I've convinced myself of all these years. I could easily say it was my fault and that everything happened because I let it and I started it. But the year and a half before that became true, the time I spent as a complete victim in his control, that I can't write about.

Then Sunday, I talked with my dad on the phone for a few minutes. He's so pathetic. He barely knows how to use a computer, he can't hold a steady job. He tells me that he asked to be friends with my extended family and only some have accepted him. He tells me my mother responded to his invite with "leave my family alone." He tells me that he has no food in his fridge, but of course I could hear that he was intoxicated. I just want to send him some money but I don't trust that he'll do anything good with it. He asked me about my "personal" life. I told him "no I don't have a boyfriend" and that "I'm just working on healing from things." He says "I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you and help you." Then he quickly changed the subject back to how to chat on facebook.

I wanted to confront him and ask him if what my brother said was true. But I just couldn't it. He's obviously a drunk and uneducated. But he's my dad and my only connection to my grandfather - the only man that was good to me as a kid. But you would think that my grandfather's inability to call me should just make me stop caring about any of them. He's my dad. Sure, he's a loser and never supported us. Sure, he hurt my mother but my mother was/is weak and I just don't feel sorry for her. But I started to cry because he noticed the pictures of the kids on my page and he was like "they're your family" and it sucked because he's right. They're my family and he's not and my mother's not and my brother's not and my grandmother's not and my aunts' aren't and my cousins aren't and my sister is only barely my family.

And so the wound in the pit of my being, the very center of who I am, is once again ripped open and bleeding. The past few days have been filled with depression and numbness and pain and fear and tears and heartache. Just in time to go on a 3 day journey with my Father to love me back to wholeness.

I just had to write because it was all stuck inside and I hadn't told anybody and it was causing way too much pain and sorrow in my days and nights. Now, back to work.....

Update on Me!

Wow, its been quite a while since I've updated this blog. I really should do more writing here, but I sometimes forget about it...I'll try to change that.

Since the last post, I have not spoken with my mother at all. In fact I missed my niece's birthday parties because my mother attended them. And my sister hasn't spoken to me in a while, not even responding to my text messages. I hope she's not mad at me, but what can I do? I couldn't make it out there, which seemed to be perfect since our mother was there anyway. I'm starting to lose faith that my sister and I will ever really be sisters again. She cares too much for my mother and even my stepfather. Its not like I hate them or wish bad things upon them, but they've hurt me in ways that should never had happened. Anyway, I'm losing my family to the darkness that lives in my stepfather....actually I'm just coming to accept that this is what's being going on since I was 10 years old.

I've really been growing with Jesus since my last post as well. I've been seeking His face when it comes to the reality of my past. I've been open and honest with my therapist and my Pastor (who is meeting with me for Spiritual Direction once a month!). I bring my thoughts and feelings right out and listen to the truth that comes from the inner being of those in my life who's input I value. The other day I picked up a book, Lady in Waiting, at the Christian bookstore. As I was reading it, Matthew 19:29 was brought to my attention.

This Scripture speaks to the fact that those who leave/sacrafice family, fields and houses to follow after God, will receive 100 times more than what they gave as well as the most amazing gift of eternal life! I began to weep over this promise. I left my family. I was homeless for a year. I had no roots anywhere. I followed after Him, towards freedom and healing and wholeness. I believe He has already given me back the friends that I have lost (that weren't really friends anyway), and I hold onto the promise that I too will have a family. I know that this family will come when I'm completely lost in God and I am whole enough to love someone back.

Another amazing thing I've recently let penetrate my heart is the lyric from Desert Song: "No weapon formed against me shall remain." I never really got this before. But as we sung it at church on Sunday, I realized that this means things from the past as well. The biggest weapons formed against me are sexual abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, and verbal abuse. I grew up believing that I was nothing but something to be used, something to serve someone else. That's all I was. But now I know that these weapons of the enemy are no longer in my life. Sure the memories are there and the pain is real, but the actual amo of these weapons dried out a long time ago. While they did do major damage on my soul, I am now under the care of the greatest War Doctor ever! He knows just how to mend my wounds and to make me new!

Well, yesterday I went for volunteer orientation at a therapuetic riding center! Today is my first day on the job. I get to go there tonight after work and help out. I'm pretty much stoked! I'm not around horses very often, so I'm looking forward to learning more about horses and working with special needs individuals. I'm also intriqued by how God will work in me and what He will teach me while I partake in this adventure!

I'm also taking a class at our Midweek Experience night at church. Old Testament Challenge...which I must say, I'm already loving! I'm taking the whole month of October and devoting myself to God. I want to grow and learn and fill myself back up before I give out more. I think working with the horses will actually be a filling up process. I also am going on a personal retreat in October and taking off a week and a half from work! This month I'm focusing on my spiritual connection with my Father and filling up my soul and heart to overflowing that way I can live from the overflow once again! yay for overflow!

Okay, I promise to try to remember to update this blog more often. Not like too many people read it anyway. Have a great Tuesday everyone!

Not again....

And just like that, with one paragraph, she rips me open again.

Last week, she called to see if I wanted my baby stuff...Of course I do. I didn't answer the phone, her message was just so friendly, she said "I love you and think about you every day." And I wrote on fb that even the smallest type of communication brings back those feelings of abandonment and that I hate when she tries to wiggle back in with sweet words like it's okay.

Then she sends me this message, tells me that I was mean with what I said. She tells me she's going to hold on to my stuff until things are a bit better between us. She wants me to tell her if she'll ever be a part of my life again. She just completely and utterly places ALL blame on me.

How am I in the wrong here???? How??? I don't understand it. She never hears me when I tell her. She's convinced that I'm lying about everything. But literally every memory I have is haunted by her husband's hands, arms, lips, face. Every day I experience him in some way. There's not a day that goes by where I don't remember. I couldn't have possibly made this up. I'm not lying. There's too much, too much detail, too much memory, too many times and I'm sure I don't remember them all.

But it's my fault that I've separated myself from her? I can't have her in my life. She chose him. She chooses him every day. She sleeps next to him. I'm sure they have sex. She loves him. She never listened to anything. She never asked me about him.

She wants me to think of me and her only....but she includes him. How can I have her be apart of my life when she loves him so much? He's the monster in my story. He's the one that ruined me. He took away everything and I'm trying so hard to gain it back with Christ. And I don't know what is worse, the abuse or the fact that he stole my family from me. Why won't she just leave it alone? Why must she do this? And why on earth do I let it effect me so much???????

My wounds are wide open this morning. I feel like I'm bleeding out. I just want to go home. I don't know if I can handle being at work today. I think I'm gonna be sick. I can feel me falling apart. This happens every time she does something like this. I don't understand it. It's been five years you'd think I'd be use to it by now. I just wanna go home....I need my Bible....I need that comfort. It hurts......

Not so lucky....

Had a session today....

I thought I was one of the lucky ones. One that wasn't haunted by night terrors or flashbacks. I just had my memories is all. But I was lucky because it didn't just spring up on me and I didn't wake up screaming during the night.

I thought I was lucky....until my therapist decided to tell me that what I experience every time I lay down and every time I go to bed are flashbacks. I thought it was just my sick mind, experiencing someone near me that's not physically there. I thought my memories were just coming back when I was relaxed. I thought that of course every time I took a shower I would think of this because I was naked after all. I mean seriously, not a flashbackk. I couldn't possibly be that bad off...its not that bad, I'm not as bad off as others are. I was a lucky one.

Today, I realized that I may not suffer from night terrors and I may not black out while experiencing a flashback but I definitely have flashbacks....pretty much every day. I literally feel him ontop of me, I freeze while going a memory runs through my head, I feel his arms around me, and I have to shake my head and body in order to force my head to think of something different. I do this pretty much every night when I get ready to sleep. I only sometimes have dreams about him, those dreams I normally wake with a rapid heart beat, high tempature and sweating.

I hate this new realization. The more I continue to go through this healing process the more I realize that it really is true. In fact, I think there may be more than just the one person. I remember things from before he was in my life...I passed it off as "normal kid stuff" until I watched something about an 8yr old hurting a 5yr old. Makes me wonder if those three specific times weren't maybe something more. I was so young though that its hard to remember exactly what happened. I hate that I can't remember and these new memories freak me out...what if the main person I remember wasn't the only one. What if there were more? I don't like that idea...

I hate this. I suppose though that exposing the darkness is tough. Realizing its more than just memories, but the fact that this stuff really happened....its just soooooooo hard. I get all overwhelmed and stuck in the nothingness of the dark pit that surrounds the the abuse.

I'm looking forward to just being healed. I want these flashbacks to STOP or at least lessen in frequency. It's hard...sooooo hard. My heart breaks and I my soul wounds are riped open yet again.

guess i'm not as lucky as i thought.....hmmm....sigh.

Needed to write, this is what came out...

Tonight, I came across some different letters from people. Its amazing the difference between people who love God and live for Him and the people who just believe in God.

Tonight, I read some letters from my mother. Her words are so hurtful.

Tonight, I wonder if I'll be truly ok. Will this always haunt me?

This past week, I've been intaking lots of information. I watched a special on Oprah's website where she interviewed sex offenders. I read a book about a 12 yr old who was abused at home and then kidnapped by a sicko. I read a book about a girl who just went the wrong way and was in a bad relationship (lots and lots of bad relationships).

My thoughts while driving down the road or going for a walk are consumed with the possibility that a child in those houses could be being hurt. What are the secrets within those walls? What if there's a child who is scared to go to bed at night because of the person who will visit? What if a child is being beaten because the adult is upset about finances.

My thoughts are consumed every time I speak with someone with the possibility that there is abuse in their past. What if they were raped in high school? What if their father hurt them? What if their brother let his friends use them? Its possible.

This issue is so wide spread that I don't understand why we feel so alone in it. Seriously, even know I have times where its like no one understands. That book about that little girl...her mom went back to the boyfriend, blamed the girl for having sex with her boyfriend. And yet, that little girl was adopted by a wonderful family who loved her. She wasn't completely alone. The adoptive mother was once abused as a child and is now helping others. I don't understand it.

I still feel at times like I'm never going to fully overcome this burden. Like it's always going to be hovering close by, waiting for a chance to strike and knock me back down. Like the feeling that he's near me is never going to go away. Every time I lay down to go to sleep, I feel him next to me. He's always there. Every time I go to the bathroom or take a shower, he's there. He's always there. It waits to take me. Just waiting for me to give into it again in all aspects of my life. Some nights the temptation to cut just to focus on that and not him is so strong.

I'm amazed at the fact that this is still such a horrible experience. I'm such a different person and I'm in such a different place that I just don't understand how it can control my every night. There's not a day that goes by where I'm not haunted with his presence in some way. How can he still control so much of me? Granted its a lot less than before, but still...I thought it would go away. Does it ever go away??????

Tonight, I'll go to sleep, praying he's not in my dreams. Praying he keeps his hands off of me.

Tonight, I'll end my day asking God to mend my wounds once again. The pain in my soul is too much to bear alone.

Tonight, tonight my tears flow honestly. And I wonder, will it ever go away?

God Understands

Can I just say how awesometastic the God I serve is?

Seriously! He's like the most amazing being to ever have existed. His love is deep and rich. He doesn't look at your accomplishments or wordly success. He looks directly into every inch of your heart. He sees the broken pieces and His hand automatically stretches out to begin the mending process. He sees the pain that has been inflicted upon your heart and soul and immediately He takes it upon Himself. His love is so grand that it fills your heart instantly. He nevers look anywhere else, never sees what the world sees, only cherishing your heart and who He created you to be! He sees the potential, the gifts, the desire, the passion, the strength, the abilities, the love, the whole you!

I often struggle with the fact that I don't have anyone in my life that truly understands how I feel about the issues within my family. No one in my life has been cast aside by their mother (and the rest of their family) as she stays married and deeply in love with their abuser. The family that once was mine, no longer belongs to me. He took them away from me and I'll never have them back. No one in my life has walked the same path as me - not even close. No other human being has ever been able to show me the greatness that God has for me on the other side of this. I have yet to meet a person that has been abandoned much like I have and has chosen to heal with God leading their lives. It frustrates me!!! Especially when my mother tries to weasle her way back into my life with words that hold no meaning for me. It throwns me into a whirlwind for a few days - I know this about myself. It's much better than two years ago when I lived in a constant tornado of bad days. I just need someone to show me that there's a way out!

Then, I remembered something. Jesus became sin. He didn't just die for us. Oh no. He took every sin that we could ever imagine committing (and every sin that would never enter our thoughts) and literally became them. God and sin can't coexist. God turned His head away from his Son. Jesus literally was abandoned in His last moments of life. And yes, He knew it was part of the Father's will, but the human emotions that I'm sure He felt must have been utterly horrible. For the first time I believed He felt shame, possibly even disgust with Himself at what He had become. And yet, He did it because He loved us completely. More than anything, He loved those whose sin He had become.

I've wondered before if God could truly understand I feel about things. Sure, I tell Him all the time. I experience all my human emotions while holding His hand - otherwise I wouldn't be able to resist the temptation that so fills my life at moments when my boundaries are invaded. He hears my cries and catches my tears in His hands. But does He truly understand? I decided that He does. It obviously isn't exactly the same, but He experienced the emotions. And He's seen all that has happened in my life. He was there with me through it all. Keeping me from further self-destruction and other abusers that were so readily available.

He is my other half. He's my core. He's the One who knows everything about me. No one will ever know me like my God knows me. He understands me like no one else ever will. He is my heart. He is my King. All I want is to lose myself completely in His love. I love Him so much!

Mighty Temptations

I managed to escape the pain last night. After a horrible day at work I didn't let myself be alone, or to stop and think. The pain from the morning was too much and it affected me until I lost myself in the nothingness of being busy. But the longer I sit here at work with nothing to occupy my mind, the more I sense myself crumbling. I have no plans tonight....could go to the church but am nervous about having the money for gas...though I have to fill up tomorrow anyway. Hmmm...I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Another part of me just wants to give into the overwhelming temptation of self-harm. It's everywhere! The pain in my knee from bowling 7 games last night, the pain in my hand from holding on to the ball, the soreness in my chin from so many lundges on the same leg while bowling...its so tempting! The constant flow of rubberbands on my desk and now on my wrist. The use of scissors for different projects, for the opening of boxes, for anything. Preparing dinner with knives and the heat of the oven and stove. The easy access to a lighter. I feel very weak and unable to not give in.

How do I push through this? How do I not let the people and demons of my past dictate my present? How will I feel after giving in to such temptation? Will it be worth it? Maybe for a few hours while it keeps my insides together. But once you start its hard to stop. I don't want to fall backwards. I must really have let my guard down lately if this little email from my mother can affect me in such ways. I go back to counseling on Monday - UGH! Can you imagine what I'm going to feel after speaking about this stuff aloud? Oh my gosh!

Temptation is constant in my days now. How do I distract myself. I leave work in five minutes. Blessings on my night....protection from myself....strength through my God.

Re-opened wounds....again.

During church yesterday I get all convicted about the fact that if I died today, I would leave the relationship with my family so unresolved. I figure that I've done what I can without giving in to their denial of the truth. But nonetheless I decide that I need to send a small postcard with the words "you're forgiven and loved." This postcard would have to be from Jesus because right now I am so not loving them and am having a hard time forgiving them.

Then, I'm on facebook later that night and my mother (who I've asked to not contact me in any way until she is ready to accept the truth) sends me a message. Seriously? What is her problem? She says that "through thick and thin, Tamara, I love you"..."I think about you every day." Seriously? Do you think about me when you're in bed with your husband? When you're alone at home and just want company? Did you think about me on my birthday when you were vacationing with your husband? Do you think about me when you're with the two grandchildren you love so much? Do you think about me when you look into your husbands eyes and say you love him? Do you think about me late at night, when all around you is calm and that naggy voice whispers "what if she's telling the truth?"???????? When do you think about me? Everyday? Seriously?

I wanted to scream at her. YOU WEREN'T THERE THROUGH THE THICK. You left me to find my way in a world when I had nothing. You didn't visit me in the hospital. You didn't ask for my story. You never wanted the details. You let me live in homeless shelters and the homes of strangers. You never wanted to understand what I was going through. You didn't believe me. You choose to love him and support him through his lies. You are weak. You choose to be with him because you're afraid of being alone. You've chosen a man over your daughter. You never supported me in the healing process...you were just mad because I was having trouble. You never showed me you cared. Your words mean nothing to me. YOU WEREN'T THERE THROUGH THE THICK!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to let her know that while I'm having a hard time forgiving and loving her, I know of someone who will...if she chooses. But she already thinks I think I'm better than her when it comes to a relationship with Christ. I suppose I've just allowed Him to bring more freedom into my life, more love, more truth. I know I have a more developed relationship with Him than she does, I can tell by the way we walk out our lives. You can always tell by the walk of a person, never by their words. What good would it do? Does she even think she needs forgiveness? Probably not because she thinks I'm lying...so I'm in the wrong, right?

The wounds in the pit of stomach, the ones that I recently allowed God to mend after they were ripped open, the painful ones that are directly attached to my heart and soul, yeah, those ones....they've been ripped wide open again. And while I didn't allow myself to feel them last night, they are definitely making themselves known this morning. The pain that makes it way out from the deepest part of my being, is almost uncontainable. I just want to curl up in a ball and let it take me...even just for a while. Or I could always smash it down with food. Or I could curl up in that ball and let Jesus comfort me while the tears come. It may be just me, but my body must be real in tune with my soul because I know that I can feel the pain...real pain. Just like I felt before, only at the moment I don't feel Jesus working to mend the wounds. I feel like I'm just bleeding out and its not okay.

Why does she have this much control over me? Why do any of my family members have this much control over the pain in my soul? My uncle didn't even know it was me when I requested him to be a friend on facebook....am I really that disconnected? Have they really forgotten me? Did the monster in my story really succeed in taking my family away from me? Why are the wounds so easily repunctured? When does the bleeding stop?

I wish there was just one person in my world that could truly understand what I'm going through. One person that has overcome and is living into their full potential. One person that has been abandoned by their family so they could keep the vilian and yet has found complete healing in Christ and has gone on to be healthy all around. Just one. Is that too much to ask for? Just one person to offer their support. To show me that the light I dream of is truly out there for me. That I'm strong enough to do this with Christ living inside of me. Just one person. Just one.

How do I go through my day? I'm so not fake anymore, I can't just pretend I'm okay at this point. It hurts too much to shove back down and turn on my happy face. I just want to curl up and let the tears come and feel the pain with Jesus...letting Him heal the wounds again.

So many questions. So much pain. So much confusion. So much shame. How do I get through the day?

Just Felt Like a Small Update

Wow, March 1st, 2010 already. It amazes me at how faithful God is.

I don't have much to say on here. Life has pretty much been smooth sailing. I've gotten a deeper look at how much love God has for His children. I have also been overcome with strong emotions - a small sample of the pain He feels when His children are hurt. My heart has been going deeper with Jesus and I'm beginning to truly fall in love with Him.

Being a human and being in love with the idea of love has gotten in my way of actually loving my Jesus. I listen to my friends who have decent, if not wonderful, relationships with their husbands and I know that I am in no position to be in that type of relationship right now. My mind is filled with just having a man to be my life's partner, but my heart and soul knows that my life partner is Jesus.

And so during this Lenten season, I am focusing on Him and not the "day dreams" of being in love with a man. I want to be in love with God. I want Him to be all I need to be happy. Once my heart is that lost in Him, I know the "desires" of my humanness will be met in such an abundant way.

I'm also going deeper in my walk of faith. Taking small steps that are actually gigantic steps in my mind. I want to just follow His direction and let Him take care of the outcome. Whatever step I take, He needs to be the One to tell me to take it. All I can control is my obedience and He will do the blessing (whatever that looks like) afterwards.

I am loving 2010 so far. Sure there's things that I wish I had in my humanness but these past two months have been such an amazing journey with my God that I wouldn't change anything - expect how much time I spend with Him.

2010 - New Year, New something....

wow...its been a long time since i've written on here. guess i've just been writing on facebook a lot and in my journal or on my computer. i don't think i have anything super exciting to say really. just wanted to write something down.

i think i'm finding myself too scared to push foward in this leap of faith God has asked me to take. I look at my journal and carry it with me but I can't find the strength to finish the writing. now i'm looking at classes to learn how to read music...that way i can learn to play the piano or the quitar and put music to some of the writings of mine. its only day 9 of the new year and i think i know where this year is taking me....leaps of faith, no matter how small they may be are still giant leaps!

writing....music...my outlet for all the goodness God has shown me. its like i was created to write. but the things that take me longer than 15 minutes are challenging. normally i just spit it all out and there it is, something wonderful that touches people's lives. this new stage is different. its scary. its different. i don't know if i'm up to it. but i have to be. its God calling me to shine in the world, His world. but how? writing....music....movies....stories...life...writing. its all so new to me. 2010 is bound to show me where God wants me. He's bound to bless and prove to me that this is the right path or He's going to close it and open another one.

weird how the desires of my childhood are pushing their way back into my heart. only now there's no one telling me i can't. its up to me and God to accomplish what He wants. and there's no one around to tell me that i'm not good enough or that i have other things to worry about. i'm taking a chance on me...for once in my life. its weird but so good. 2010, you scare me!