And Girl and Her Sparkling Diamonds

As I laid back on those cement staircase that led to the second floor of the apartment complex I gazed, completely lost, at the sparkling diamonds in the night sky. My 11 year old heart yearning for answers and hope. I would sneak out of the apartment, leaving all the drama inside, and sit on those steps for what seemed an eternity. It was peaceful there, under the beautifully diamond decorated ceiling. No one was yelling at me for something I had done or didn't do. No one was touching me in places a girl of my age shouldn't be touched. And nothing was wrong in my life under that sky.

I saw shapes in the stars high above my world. And though I didn't know God very well, I felt Him under that sky. Who would think that you could see the stars in a big city in California? But God gave me the ability to see how much He cared for those diamonds in the sky. He placed our apartment in the back, away from the busy city streets with all their lights. I was able to sit on those cement steps and wish with all my heart that no one would notice I was outside and call me in.

Underneath those twinkling stars my little part of the world was safe and I knew God was with me on those steps. He whispered to my soul when I would visit Him there. He gave me strength to continue until our next meeting on the outside steps. He promised me everything would be okay and that things would get better. My little 11 year old soul knew that under the stars that sing God's praise she would be loved in a way she never knew was possible. The night sky became my refuge after the horribleness of my daylight hours.

Now, when I walk outside at night and am blessed with a clear sky and lots of sparkling diamonds, I know I am cared for and loved in a way that no one else can really show me. I dove into astronomy for a while because I was fascinated with the science behind these unbelievable creations. I even took a course at the planetarium one summer - escaping from my home life into God's world.

What I love about being a grown up now is that whenever that little girl is feeling the pain, I just look up into the diamond sky and feel the presence of God and I am filled with the hope and wonderment that she felt all those years and miles ago.  I am grateful for the dark canvas that God painted with sparkling diamonds just for me (and maybe you too)!

Sitting with "Why?"

Tonight I'm asking "why?"

I know it's not the best thing to focus on but yet here I am wondering why.
Why am I here in this city? Why did my mom choose him?
Why does my brother hate me? Why is he my villian and my sister's hero?
Why did I get booted out of my family?
Why do people treat me like a broken little girl?
Why does my abuser get to strive and I have to struggle?
Why was I not liked by other kids? Why do my high school "friends" ignore me?
Why did he seek me out? Why did he choose my family?
Why did my family choose him? Why did I end up homeless at 18?
Why did I have to miss out on my senior year?
Why did I not fully embrace the options offered to me by my high school?
Why did I not finish college? Why did I get kicked out of college?
Why is it so hard to heal? Why do they have so much control over me?
Why am I here? Why am I so alone when I have such great friends and people in my life?
Why do people try and tell me what to do when I hate being treated like a child?
Why do certain persons who have not earned my trust try to act like a mother to me when I don't have or need a mother?
Why are my teeth so messed up? Why can't I find a new job?
Why did he do what he did? Why did find me?
Why didn't my family save me? Why didn't they stick up for me?
Why am I here?
Why? Why? Why?

I know that asking "why?" isn't the best thing to focus on. Yet here I am wondering why.

I'm sitting here with my questions. Crying them out to God. I know I shouldn't focus on this and that the answer will probably never come. God works everything out for the good of those who love Him right? So there have to be answers as to why what has happened has happened. I don't these answers and I don't think I ever will here on earth. The workings of God are way beyond my ability to understand and I am fully aware that I have NO idea what He can do with my life and my story. But nonetheless, I sit here with my questions and my tears and I bring my whole self to God and ask Him to hear my questions and to comfort me in the pain they cause. These are the questions I carry around with me all day long. As as the day progresses I get sick to my stomach because of all stress and pain being held there. I have no way to make it go away. I have no answers to my questions. All I'm doing is sitting because the one person I want to hold me while I cry out the pain is the mother that chose to love the cause of my most severe pain and leave me out to try and survive on my own. So through Christ I overcome but for now I sit, crying myself to sleep, aware of all the questions that burden my soul on a moment by moment basis.