A Day of Growth Through Pain

Today was a challenging day. It started with my brother sending me an email full of hate, anger and brokenness. I'm not sure what prompted him to write that email but whatever it was I'm sad that he felt he needed to attack me with his words. I went ahead and tried to go into work and not let his words affect, after all I know what he says about me is not truth but twisted and deceitful beliefs. However, around lunch time I knew I had enough of people seeing me in my sadness and asking me if I was okay because obviously I was NOT OKAY but they can't help asking and trying to help me feel better. I left there and went to the store to take my emotions out on my bank account while obtaining a few items I needed at home. From there I went home, ate lunch, then took my emotions to the pool. After that I was blessed to have on my calendar time with my completely awesome spiritual director and church mom.

Now after a treat to a mini concrete mixer from Culver's to replenish all those emotions and water to wash replenish my tears, here I sit writing about the journey I took today.

"My sheep will know my voice and a stranger they will not follow."

Today I was attacked not by my brother but by Satan himself, using my brother as a vessel. In the same way Christ uses humans to speak His words so can the enemy. I am not angry at my brother for the threats he made against me and I am not angry at him for the way he has decided to cope with the truth of my story and the information he now has regarding our stepfather. If he needs to be angry at me, I can take it. I've taken his anger my whole life and we live thousands of miles apart so I'm not all that worried about him hurting me. I am thankful that I was able to recognize the evil in his words right away and that I begun to fight them right then and there. It may take me a while to process to protect and calm the little girl inside who is very much afraid of her big, angry brother but once I'm there I can certainly discern that his words are not truth and he in his mind he just needs to be angry at someone.

During work today many people could see that I was not myself. They could tell I had been crying and that my world was not perfect. I talked with only one person about it and she was nice and encouraging. But in those moments I don't want anyone to try and fix me. I've been surviving for a very long time with my family's decisions and I have distanced myself from them, not without lots of grief and pain. Being around people became too much to bear at work. I couldn't control my tears in that environment with people stopping in and asking me questions. It seemed as though once I was back in control someone else would come in and I'd lose it again. So I got permission to leave at lunch.

I spent an hour walking around a store looking at almost everything. Then I came home and had lunch. But the best part of the day was being able to take all the thoughts, emotions and pain into the pool and run laps until I felt better. Swimming does something for me. I was the only person there so I was able to use the full length of the pool for laps of all kinds. Then just being able to float and watch the clouds roll by. I am at home in a pool (I'd say in water but I'm not a fan of beaches). It was here that the voice of Truth started to make its way from inside my soul and speak to the current situation. Knowing that I am loved and that I am living in the Light is comforting. I was reminded that standing for what's right often means standing alone. Except I'm not alone am I? No. It just so happens that my family is unable to be apart of my journey for they are not strong enough to accept this truth.

Meeting with my spiritual director really sealed the deal. We began with prayer and God really moved in that room for me. I was encouraged in my ability to discern the voice of God from the voice a stranger. I was loved in a way that I'm not sure I've ever been before. And I taught, I'm always taught.

This journey of life can be so complicated at times. At other times it really can be so simple. My life is not perfect. I am definitely not perfect. And I'm discovering that the people that really matter are the ones that love me despite all my imperfections, with all my scars and in the Spirit. And even though the devil's words that came through my brother threatened to destroy me if I ever shared my story again I WILL NOT BE SILENT! The world has done a lot to destroy me but my God has rescued me and He has blessed my life in ways I could have never imagined. I will NOT go back into hiding and I hope that by sharing my story others are encouraged to seek God and let Him rescue them.

So...nice try devil but you don't win this battle!!!!!

P.S. Thank you to everyone who has let me join their spiritual family. You mean the world to me and your children minister to my heart more than anything else. I am honored that you place your trust in me and that you have gotten to know me for me and not my imperfections.

Breaking Generational Curses

I have spent some time over the past few months looking up my family history on ancestry.com. I've talked with my father a bit about the little information he knows about his parents' family and my mother already has a tree going waaay back that I was able to see.

I was lucky and actually found my biological grandfather on another user's tree and after a few emails we have decided that we are indeed related even though neither of us knew my grandfather (she is his half-sister). I have also discovered a lot of brokenness in my family's history on both sides. I guess I've always known divorce ran rampant throughout my family but seeing the physical evidence in new to me. And there appears to be a lot of secrecy and abandonment in my family's history. I can only predict that was probably a lot of worldly factors such as alcohol, lust and abuse leading to the incredible amount of brokenness in my biological line - but knowing what we know now, I'm sure there was a lot of that going on. When it comes to my Mexican roots I'm having the hardest time even finding information about my grandmother and her mother. It's like they don't exist on paper. Not even my grandmother's marriage to my step-grandfather shows up on marriage records. I have a feeling that I most likely won't discover any more information about my Mexican roots until I can hire someone or make my way down to Pennsylvania and Texas to see if the information I have is correct. 

Here's what's interesting...

I see that patterns in my biological family's history. I compare what I know about the past with the current events of my family and I see how they are caught up in the cycle. Then I look at my life. 

In my life I see the cycle that tried to control my life. It was there my whole life. Abandonment, alcohol, abuse in every form, depression, broken home and confusion. I lived in that mess because I didn't have a choice and the hand dealt to my family was being dealt to me at a very young age.

 Today, I see something completely different. In my life there is healing, forgiveness, hope, peace in the storms and happiness. I am so incredibly grateful to my God for all the work He has done in my life. I know that He is bringing restoration to my family line through my life. It's hard to be the one that He set aside to show His mighty love through because there are things you just gotta do. You have deny the basic human instinct of belonging to the family you were born into. You have to accept what is and learn to live in the moment instead of hoping for your biological family to open up to the Truth you've known your whole life. You have to be in control of your actions and you have to grow up. Being the one that brings life back into your family tree takes a lot work but it can be done with God by your side.

 I hope to one day have a family that is free from the generational bondage I was born into. I hope they can experience the fruit from all the sensationally difficult choices I've made in my life to break free. God has promised great things to me and while I choose to live in the moment of today and let Him control my future I know I am in a safe place. And when I'm old and gray haired and my race comes to a strong finish my family's new path will be one of my greatest accomplishments.

Breaking chains, breaking curses!

Fellowship and New Names!

What a wonderful night I was blessed with! 100 women gathered together to hear from God in solitude and then share time of fellowship. We ate food, sang worship songs, shared stories and then ate s'mores! I met some new friends and chatted with old ones that I don't get to talk to very often. And a handful of ladies even stayed by the fire until long after most people had left and we shared stories of all sorts of different things (mostly animal related though). I almost didn't go because I just wasn't "feeling it." But I am so glad that I made myself go!

Tonight we talked about the name that God has for us and the person in the Scriptures that we saw ourselves in. A few years ago it was spoken over me that I was like Abigail (1st Samuel 25) and that her name meant "Father's Joy." I have held on to that word and read her story many times. I've also seen myself in Isaiah 62 as being called Hephzibah (which means "my delight is in her"). But tonight I tried to find myself in the examples given on the paper...and I just couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, God was simply not giving me any other name.

Abigail...

Abigail was a very wise woman and her name definitely reflects the joy that is within me. However, there was something different about tonight. Tonight I was breaking the chains of a lot of words spoken over me throughout my years. Words that I thought I had gotten rid of but obviously still have a hold in my life. Things like "unwanted", "cow", "unlovable", "undesirable", and "out of place." It wasn't until others were sharing that I finally understood what God was speaking to me about Abigail in this season of my life.

She was married to a rich, powerful and evil man. For whatever reason it was she found herself in this family where she did not belong. Her husband was selfish and did not serve the soldiers of King David when they came asking for help though he had plenty to share. So, King David was ready to come back and wreak havoc upon his house. That included Abigail and the servants. So Abigail took a wise, courageous leap of faith and went to meet David with all the supplies his men had requested. Afterwards, she returned home to her husband and the Lord struck him down. After hearing of her husband's death, King David extended an offer of marriage and Abigail finally found her proper place in King's family.

You see, she was in the wrong family. She was courageous, wise and full of joy. She didn't let the fear of what her husband may do if he found out what she did stop her from acting in a godly way to honor the king and keep the peace in her home. And God honored that. He freed her from the bondage of the wrong family and placed her in a better home.

I believe that I am like Abigail in this way. I had to stand up and make a courageous decision in my family that I was in. I have to stand every day because the family I was a part of was the wrong family for me. It's no wonder I felt out of place there. God has so much more for me in the years to come. And while things happened quickly for Abigail, God has made it clear that He is taking His time with me because He has a very deliberate work He is doing in my soul. The restoration process takes time (a whole nother blog for a later time) and a gentle hand.

I know that God has already given me a Church family to belong to and for that I am ever grateful. And tonight He reminded me that my dreams of having my own family should be kept on the list and haven't gone anywhere. He's just taking His time.

I am Abigail, the Father's joy!

my sparkle can't be lost

i had quite the saddening experience tonight. it lasted less than five minutes but it almost took my sparkle away.

while enjoying dinner with one of my besties, i was sharing my plan for finishing up my degree in education and following it with time overseas with the Peace Corps. then our neighbors at the table next to us decided to chime in.

"do not become a teacher. do not waste your time unless you can't see yourself doing anything else. the pay isn't that great and its gotten horrible in the schools. it was my career and I'm retired now. I don't recommend it to anyone anymore. stay away from education. don't be a teacher."

i couldn't believe it. this stranger at the table next to me spent her time listening to our conversation (i couldn't tell you one word in their conversation) and then instilling more fear into my life and telling me not to go after a dream of mine. why would she do this? her life probably hasn't been the easiest but she also hasn't lived the life i've lived. i'm also younger than she is so the condition of education and schools and youth isn't anything new to me (it's only been a few years since i was in high school anyway). i just do not understand how someone can offer unwanted, discouraging advice to someone with a sparkle?

i have wanted to be a teacher since kindergarten and it's been the world that has kept me from that. the world broke me and if all i cared about was money i know i'm smart enough to go into some career that would earn me lots but that's not what a teacher cares about. she did make a good observation though: "teachers are born, not made." i was born to be a teacher and i have found that where and how i want to serve my God just happens to require a bachelor's degree. plus its a step forward and that's better than standing still getting left behind in life.

I'm lucky because the friend i was with helped remind me that this stranger has no place in my life and that I can do whatever I want. I figure that i know where God wants me to go and that at the end of this phase He will show me the next step. I know that the "teaching field" isn't the most ideal career to go into but its the field for me and no stranger can talk me out of it!

i want to be someone that helps children find their sparkle and keep it safe from the world and all the nay-sayers out there. God puts an individual, unique sparkle in each of us when He created us and its our job to discover what to do with that sparkle. the world will keep trying to cover it up, put it under a rock and knock it out of you, but it will never succeed. i will be a teacher and will let God show me where to take my sparkle!!!