Deborah and Jael Reveal A Peice of God

I was spending some time with Abba this morning and He showed me this chapter in Judges. And my version puts little subtitles before sections, you know. This subtitle was "Deborah's Song." And if you know anything about Deborah, you know she was a prophetess and a judge. But when God called her, she joined the battle with Barak at her side, leading the warriors. She became a mother of Israel (5:7) and rose to the leadership position God called her to.

In this song she encourages the mass of volunteers who have taken on Sisera (an enemy) by encouraging her soul. "March on, my soul; Be strong! (5:21)" She's ready to fight. She's ready to serve God when called upon. She doesn't shrink in fear. Oh, no. Quite the opposite. She sees men, afraid of their enemy and unwilling to rise up against him. She knows God has called her to be a leader, even a leader of men. How wonderful to know God is on your side and fights with you.

Then, the person who kills Sisera - the enemy. A woman. Jael, a housewife (tent-dweller). She takes her hammer and chisle and sneaks into his camp. Then she takes that chisle to his head and kills him. Sisera is unaware, unguarded, sleeping. And the enemy is defeated. His mother concerned waits for him to return, starring out the window. She is hopeful that he has won and that Sisera and his men are dividing up what they have taken charge of. Little does she know that the enemy of the God and His people has been defeated! Deborah and Barak end their song with this verse: "So may all your enemies perish, O Lord. But may they who love you be like the sun when it rises in its strength (5:31)."

This all got me to thinking about how I, a woman, can be used and called by God. God has a purpose for my life. God has made it clear that He needs me to reach His children, the ones no one else can. He needs me to lead some of His children out of cowering. He needs me to respond to His calling, no doubts, no second thoughts. Just simple obedience. How else can He use me? If I'm trying to control things that does nothing for Him and His kingdom now does it?

And with all the discouragement I face in the world. We all face it. All the lies thrown in our face, who couldn't use some encouragement. "March on my soul!!!" "Be strong!!!" "Rise like the sun!!!" God is with you at all times. God's strength is in me. The Spirit of God is my everything. His joy is my strength. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Be strong! Afterall, Joshua 1:9 says He has commanded us to be strong and courageous. Fighting when we don't want to. Not giving in. Making the HARD choices. Yes, be strong oh my soul. March on. Don't give up. Do not coward. God has given us a spirit of power, love, a self-control/self-discipline/sound mind!!! Not of cowardice, fear or timidity (2 Tim 1:7). There's just no such thing has falling in the background or sitting in the back row with God. It's upfront and in your face. Giving God first place but standing up for Him and showing Him to the world. Not cowering to the enemy. But marching foward. Marching firm. Step after step. Strong in Christ!!!! How I love Him!!!

Sinner who hears from God...that's Me!

True love is obedience and surrender and submission.

I love my God. My Father. My whole world in One! I love Him so much that I desire to serve Him and be used by Him and not live a sinful life. I was asked yesterday if I would classify myself as a sinner, afterall Jesus forgives us so then we're not sinners. I don't agree with that. I know that I am a sinner. I don't do it on purpose. I don't scheme. I don't purposefully tell lies. I don't hide things. But I am a sinner. I am human. I have human tendencies. I judge. I have mean thoughts towards others. I sometimes give into gluttony. I am selfish sometimes. I lust after things. I can be greedy. I can definitely be jealous. But I don't do it on purpose. I am a sinner but every time I sin, I am able to give my actions over to God and ask Him to teach me new ways.

Recently, I've been selfish. I've given into gluttony. God asked me to fast chocolate I thought. So, I haven't had any for a while. But oh how I was wrong. Every so often you know God is asking you to do a certain thing but you try and compromise. God says give $500 to a charity or person and you say well I have a car payment, I'll only give $20. God says to spend your time in a nursing home and you say you don't know anyone there so you watch t.v. God says write a book and you say that you never took writing class so you work at a retail store.

How often do we compromise submission to God's perfect plan? I was filing in the office today and the Holy Spirit convicted me so strongly.

What are you doing Tamara? Why haven't you obeyed me with this?
God, I'll start tomorrow. Just let me finish this.
Daughter, can't you feel what it's doing to you? Don't you see how you're hurting my temple?
But Dad, it's hard. I can't do it. I don't really want to do it.
You can do anything with Me. I'm calling you to a higher standard. You need the balance back in your life. Daughter, we need balance in order to make a difference for my children.
It's going to hurt. It's going to really suck. Dad, it's going to be hard. I don't know how to do what you're asking, so please help me. Be my strength. Be my support.
I'm with you in everything Sweet Girl. I never leave. You can do this. We can do this. Remember, I love you and everything I ask of you is for your good!
Okay, Dad. Whatever you say. I'll do it for you.

And thus, my new life begins. I am committed to following what my Dad asks of me. Back to balance. Back to the way God called me to live. What a change. But how awesome that my Dad can talk to me even when I'm at work, in the back room, putting files back! He's so Good!!!! I absolutely love Him!!!! (even when it hurts!)

3 Invites, Major Confusion, God Clarifies

The invitations:
Yesterday at church the invitation was to reach out. Be God's light and salt to the earth. Become the aroma of God. Show Him and offer Him to everyone you come into contact with. Make new friends. Invite them to church. Love them like God loves you. Become a family. Grow your family. Support them. Be their friend. Embrace the differences. Lead them to Jesus. Show them hope. Reach out.

Today the invitation is to focus on God. Worship Him with all your heart. Take your eyes off of you and even others and completely give yourself over to the Lord. Make Him the center of your decisions. The center of your walking. The center of your learning. The center of your doing. He is the reason. The only reason. Simply give your heart, your whole heart over to Him who has made it whole. Worship Him. Praise Him. Thank Him. Love Him. Let nothing come between you and Him. He is all that matters. Keep your eyes lifted to Him.

Previously the invitation is to work. Complete school. Even go away from a place I've grown attached to. Leave my Christian family and form a new one. Do something completely different than what I planned. Build the business? Be a teacher? What about pharmacy? Or other science? Counselor? Social worker? No, that's not it. Follow Him and He'll guide me. Taking me away. But trusting Him with all I do. Go back to school. Focus on school. Focus on my relationship with Him. Be selfish with this time and grow closer to Him only. Focus on me. My growth. My time. My future. My present. School, work, church, volunteer. Got it.

The confusion:
What do you do when it seems like God is telling you 15 different things to do? You got school, work, family, friends, Him, others you don't know, people to reach to, pray for everyone. Where do you spend your time? How do you build bridges and friendships with people you don't know? How does it start? What can you do? Is there anything? What's most important? Feeling overwhelmed and yet at peace with your decisions. Being unsure of whether or not you're doing the correct thing. Is God talking to me or are these invitations for other people around me? It's confusing when you think too much.

The clarification:
It's not about what I can or cannot do. It's all about Jesus. So the second invitation is where I need to spending my time. Completely centered on Him. When all my focus is on loving Him, praising Him, thanking Him, everything else falls into place. I don't have to do anything. He uses me for whatever He wants and I allow Him to. No big deal. It's at this place that God's plans are fullfilled for me life. I listen to Him and follow Him and stress not on what I can do....because I can't do it without Him. So why not let Him do all the driving and give up the control I want so desperately? It's not my place to look at what I can do because it's about what He can do and He buildes the bridges and writes the conversations. I give myself fully to Him. Always to Him. Only to Him. Wow....He is sooooo good. I love Him!!!!

Transformed by Him

Excerpt from a blog back 12/07

ever wonder if its really worth it? i don't know about you but that's something i wonder all the time. and not just about life but about every aspect of life. is school really going to be worth it? is going to a special program really going to be worth it? is there something out there worth my time and effort? and will that something make a difference? will it really make the world a better place? and what about my family...is loving them inspite of everything negative they have done to me worth it? will they ever come back to Jesus? and does Jesus really want them? and what about me...he hasn't taken me yet he probably doesn't want me either...which would actually really suck because i live because he's the only thing i believe wants me to. but anyways....this whole worth it thing is driving me crazy and this phone call i need to make (again because i didn't leave a message)....is it going to be worth it? am i going to be able to stop wondering if things are worth it and just know they are? and i ever going to be able to live life like its worth it? like i'm worth it? like my future and all the people in my future are worth it? PROBABLY NOT!

It's amazing to me how God works. Can you see the desperation in my heart? I wrote this at the beginning of my application process to Mercy and was scared to make the first phone call to intake. I was so insecure and I didn't even know if I was "bad enough" to get into the program....how crazy is that? I was so lost. I couldn't see the light God had for me. I needed to know my life had value. I needed to know I was more than just a fat, depressed, eating disordered, unwanted, cutter. I needed to know there was hope. I needed to know who I truly was. And yet all I did was listen to the enemy.

Oh but how Good my God is!!!! He treats me like a queen. I am His beloved. He has plans for me that He set into motion before I ever existed...before the physical world ever existed. I came from God, to live for God, to go back to God when He calls me home. I am a person worth something. My life has meaning because God gives it meaning. He loves me unconditionally and He shines through me to the lost and hurting.

He's restored my beauty, inside and out. He's given me joy that is indescribable! He's given me FREEDOM!!!! He's healed my wounds but left the ever important scar as a reminder of His goodness and mercy! My God. Your Father. Our Protector. He does what seems impossible. He is the Perfect, Precious Lamb of God. He loves like no other. Jehovah Jireh - God my Provider (Philip 4:19). Jehovah Rohi - God my Shepherd (Psalm 23). Jehovah Tsori - the Lord my Strength (Psalm 28:7). Jehovah Gador Milchamah - The Lord Mighty in Battle (Psalm 24:8). Jehovah Go'el - The Lord my Redeemer (Isaiah 60:16).

Yes. He is my God! My Abba Father! My Help! My Comfort! My Joy! My Life! How I thank Him for all His goodness. How I admire Him for His transforming and redeeming work!

Moment with my Father.

The following is part of what God showed me last night. I had an amazing couple of hours with my Father and He continues to amaze me. I love Him so much. But not for the vision or the invitation or the miracles. It's all about Him loving me and me loving Him. Take a glimpse into the wonder of my Father and the life He has for me (and you). The main Scripture that was read as I recieved these things from my Father was Isaiah 43:1-3, 5. Then He threw in some others that I have been meditating on: Isaiah 40:28-31, Ephesians 6:13-18, 2 Samuel 22:33-35.

The Vision

Flames.
Huge flames. Walls of fire to the left, right and front of me. Flames, high like the sky scrapers of Chicago and New York City. Intensely burning. Nothing survives these types of flames. Nothing survives the fire of hell.

Unless.....

Your Savior is before you and behind you. He's paving the way as you run foward. Head held high. Dorned with the full armor of God. Shield of Faith held firmly in hand. Helmet of Salvation perfectly protecting. Breastplate of Righteousness strapped on tight. Belt of Truth securely holding you together. Shoes of Peace making the journey light on your body. Sword of the Spirit drawn and ready to attack. Your Partner guarding your back because you don't look back, your battle is foward.

The flames reach out but cannot harm you. The heat is intense but you are refreshed and cool. The smoke is thick but you breathe in fresh Spring air. The enemy is armed but you are not afraid. You charge towards your enemy. Your Guide leading you from the front and your Partner guarding you from the back. You do not grow weary. You do not faint. You soar to victory. You live the life you have been designed for. You fight the battle with your Father and your enemy is defeated because of the Perfect Lamb.

The Invitation

Follow me.
You are on the right path because I have brought you there.
Fear not. Doubt not. You opened your heart to me and I live there.
Follow me.
Training is required. You are in the right spot.
Training is hard. Allow me to be there with you.
Follow me.
You hear my voice so clearly. Doubt yourself not.
Know I have a plan for your good.
Follow me.
The time is now. We have work to do together.
Take in the teaching and training and we will fight the battle.
Follow me.
You will not be harmed. I am your protection. No one, no thing, can harm you.
I have defeated the prince of darkness. And you are my light to the world.
Follow me.
Keep open eyes for me. Open heart for my love, grace and mercy.
Show the enemy you are not afraid. Fight.
Follow me.

His Name is powerful, forever!

Church on Sunday was really good. It's amazing to watch the growth in others. And small group this week also showed me how we're all on this journey to know God more. To be led by the Holy Spirit. And to destory the schemes of the enemy.
The cool thing is that God makes Himself so open and He showed me how it's us, in our human flesh, that make the whole process hard. We get angry, we put up walls, we fall, we stumble, we hold grudges, we judge, we sin, we doubt, we make things complicated! And yet God, in all His unimaginable complicatedness, He is sooooo simple! All we, you and I, have to do is open our hearts to Him and He comes. He heals. He mends. He cleanses. He restores. He transforms. He protects. He loves. He forgives. He provides. He is good!!!!
He gives us the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit lives within our spirits and He transforms us from the inside out. He works on our soul (mind, will, emotions), then our body, then our behaviors. As He continues to do this, He is your tool for battle. He gives you the armor you need. He's got your back. You stand because of His strength inside you. You fight with the Word of God. You speak it out of your mouth when you feel under attack. You call on the name of Jesus when you don't know what else to do anymore. You pray and ask others to join you in prayer when there's nothing left you can do. You fight with all the tools God has given you. And the best thing....He does all the work! He comes when you speak His Word. He sends His angels at the call of His name. He shows you what to do and then backs it up with powerful action. He fights for you!
And He's always there! God is God. He never leaves His home. He lives inside of you. He is there for you, every moment of every day.
Back to Sunday, my pastor was clear that speaking the Name of Jesus was very powerful. It is the Name above every name. And I've thought about this a long time and am looking forward to studying it more and having my eyes open to the true power of this Name. But, I opened my Bible to Psalm 75, and it says "We give t hanks to you, O God, we give thanks for your Name is near; men tell of your wonderful deeds...As for me, I will declare this forever; I will sing praise to the God of Jacob." (v. 1, 9) And that's when it struck me: His Name is Near!!!! I need to give thanks that He has given His Name authority and all I have to do is call on it and I will see my Father's hand move on my behalf. Forever. He never stops. His Name never loses its power. I never lose the ability to praise Him for all the things He has done! I never lose the ability to call on Him. Forever.
How awesome is He!!!!! Yes, I continue to learn more and more about my Father and everyday I fall that much more in love with Him!

Heal the wound, leave the scar!

I was listening to a song the other day on my way to some place. The line that really stood out to me was "heal the wound, but leave the scar." Hmm...heal the wound but leave the scar. It got me to thinking about how wonderful God really is. He healed my wounds. I no longer struggle with depression or negative thoughts about myself. I don't struggle with suicidal thoughts or the eating disorder I had. I am not affected by the pain of my childhood. I don't feel the pain of being abused anymore. My God has healed me.

And yet He leaves the scar. He allows me to remember where I was and how I felt. He allows me to see that pain and to remember how it was for me. Yet, He allows the scar to be a reminder of how wonderful He is to me (and all my brothers and sisters). He was able to heal those wounds. He was the One. His love and mercy and grace. Jesus. My Father. No one else. He healed the wound and there's no longer any pain associated with the scars of depression, suicide, sexual abuse, emotional/verbal abuse, physical abuse, eating disorder, self-harm, alcohol, witchcraft, a wasted life. There's scars for others to see. They are there so that others can listen and see the amazing work God has done in my life. I once was ashamed, no more. The scars on my arms, legs, heart and soul are there to show the transforming power of the Holy Spirit!!

I give praise only to my Father in Heaven. He did the work, I just opened my heart. Heal the wound, but leave the scar. What wounds is He healing for you? What wounds do you want Him to heal? What scars has He blessed you with? Will you let others see? Jesus love you and He will transform you. Joy for your sorrow. Hope for despair. Gladness for morning. Beauty for ashes!

First Blog

Wow, welcome back to the world of blogging for me. I am determined to use this for the glory of God and nothing else. Let me share a little about the amazing month of teaching I've recently gone through.

It's amazing how God uses all of our daily decisions to guide and teach. Even something as simple as going to visit a friend in the hospital. I could plainly see how the roads were bad and it wouldn't be wise to travel too far. However, despite the pleas and warnings of my housemates and weather alerts, I decided to venture out anyways. Resulting of course in a spin off the road right into the ditch on the highway. What was I thinking? I was thinking how a good friend goes and sees her friend in the hospital. But was I listening to the Holy Spirit, no. He tried warning me to stay off the roads because He can see the big picture. I couldn't wait for my friend to be discharged and come home so I went anyways. I gave into my flesh and God knew it would not be good. He tried warning me and I disobeyed. I didn't follow his leading. Not a very good thing at all.

I gave my heart to Christ so that He could be my guide. The Guide that can see the big picture, He knows the outcomes of different decisions and He guides you to make the ones whose results are postive. He uses Scripture, family, friends, books, songs, and yes even weather alerts to warn you and to help steer you in His direction. I'm reading about how to discern the voice of God and its becoming more and more apparent that I have a lot of learning to do in this area. God is stretching me big time and I'm ready, though I'm afraid of how much it will hurt. Brace yourself for my reflections over the coming months!