Do You Remember?

There's been a lot going on in my world lately. Many things have popped up that I was not expecting. Some from the enemy of my soul as he puts into motion his twisted schemes to steal my joy and knock me off of the path God has so wonderfully laid before me. And some from the perfect timing of God's plans for my life.

Sometimes, it takes me awhile to get back on track after satan comes to steal and destroy me soul. This week has been extremely difficult to keep my head afloat and stay on the straight, narrow path. At church on Sunday morning, I had a horrible time allowing myself to worship and receive. Every time I attempted to let my wall down and let the Holy Spirit in the deep, dark, twisted, hole in my soul began to ache and make its presence known. I had to put my guard back up to stop it from overpowering me and drowning me in a pit of despair, pain and twisted lies.

Towards the end of the church service they opened the baptismal pool. No one was signed up to be baptized in second service and yet 2 young kids ran to the pool and asked to be baptized. They knew what they were doing and were excited to ask God into their hearts.

While these young children were making the best decision of their lives God whispered to my aching soul, "Beloved, do you remember?"

Remember? Of course I remember! That very first time I ever asked God to be my Lord and Savior. The first time I got dunked and became a new creation! That night that I decided I didn't want to live my life without my Father in Heaven! Of course I remember!

I was 8 years old. We only went to church now and then. I'd been to Catholic mass, Mormon services and the non-denomational services. I didn't know which was was right, but I knew that God was very real and that I needed Him in my life. So, I got baptized at the church we attended.

I believe it was this act of faith that has kept my connection with God so strong. Throughout the hell on earth that I lived through, my desire for God only grew stronger. I believe that accepting Christ into my heart at the tender age of 8 is what kept me fighting to be free from all the bondage I was in.

I couldn't help but be overjoyed at the fact that these children were giving their lives to Christ and opening their hearts to Him. I pray one day they will see how their decision as a child has kept them from fatal fates and called them to return to Him every time they have strayed.

I remember the day I was baptized as a child. I remember being in the baptismal pool with the pastor, declaring my belief in Jesus and my love for God. I remember being full of joy and happiness the moment I came up out of the water. I remember knowing that I had made the right decision. I remember being different from family even back then. I remember the night I gave my heart to God despite all the junk I was living around.

For some crazy reason that only God knows, I desired to know Him from a very young age. At no urging of anyone else, I asked to be baptized and have since lived a life wanting to be ever closer to Him.

I also believe that my desire for Christ at that young age made me a high priority for satan and his deamons. Satan had to crush that little spirit inside of me and he tried to kill my soul. But my God was faithful throughout all of the stuff satan started to throw at me. And today, I am able to sense the enemy's attacks and I am on my guard with the full armor of God, ready to keep pressing on for God, ever transforming into their person He has designed me to become!

I know that those two children from Sunday morning will face a lot of challenges in their lives but they will always know that God is with them and they will always return to the simple truth that He loves them and they love Him.

The Quarter of a Century Mark!

Well, today I officially begin my 25th year of life! Already my facebook page has over 40 birthday wishes from different friends, I've gotten text messages and phone calls, was taken to lunch by my boss and have a fun dinner planned with a group of friends at a restaurant that gives the birthday guest a free steak dinner! Today has been a wonderful day so far! And Saturday I'm getting together with another group of friends to have dinner, play games, watch movies, and have our own little wine tasting event!

This year is going to be a great year. I've got vision for my future. I know what my next step is. I feel completely in step with God's plan for me in this moment.

People may wonder why I get so excited about my birthday. For some people its about the attention (and I'm not saying I don't like a day that's all about ME) but that's not the reason I tell everyone that will listen that its my birthday.

You see, not too long ago I had plans to never pass the age of 21. I had already attempted suicide many times and I hated every day that I had to endure on this planet. And of course my abuser's birthday is the day before mine so my family always celebrates his and mine was always with his. He took everything I was and pushed me aside. I hated my birthday and didn't want to see any more of them!

At the age of 20 at the loving nudge of a dear friend I researched Mercy Ministries a little further. And I started the application process though I hadn't really done anything with it. Then, when I was sitting alone on Christmas Day in a dark room cutting myself I realized I had to do something.

I felt that my only options were 1) to kill myself, really kill myself this time or 2) give God a chance and go to Mercy. I made a deal with God in my desperation for something to get better. I told Him that I would make one last attempt at getting better and if it didn't work then He'd have to let me die! So, I finished the Mercy application process, got an entry date a few months later and began the journey.

I spent 7 months of my 21st year at Mercy. And boy did God meet me in BIG ways. From the moment I walked through the doors, God was at work. He took all the weeds that had taken over my soul and threw them away. He planted rose bushes and orchids and made a beautiful garden. I got to experience Thanksgiving and Christmas at Mercy and realized that the holidays could be good. And my last night at moments at Mercy were knit together perfectly by the only Father who knew what I needed. I graduated the program and came back home and have been truly living life ever since.

You see these past 4 years since have been a gift from God. My every day is a gift because for so long the plan was that I would never see these days. And here I am a quarter of a century old and excited for the next quarter of a century and all that God will bring! I try and live my life to the fullest and every year I am so glad to have a birthday again!

My birthday is no longer linked to the evildoer in my life. Instead, it is linked to the life giver and ultimate Restorer of my soul. I am blessed to be surrounded by so many people who love me with a whole and non-twisted love. Today I turn 25 years old and loving life!

Over A Year Later

God works in mysterious ways. His ways are not my ways. But maybe just maybe what happened today will help push forward the fight for justice and help make a man face his past...

In November 2010 I sent an email via the state's attorney website asking for information about prosecuting and pressing charges. I never heard back from them and therefore forgot about this inquiry. I went on to decide that reporting the abuse was the 1st step and with the loving support from my pastors who accompanied me to the police stations, reports were made in January 2011.

My year went on. I went about my life and continued in therapy. I worked and volunteered. I have hung out with friends, lost friends and found friends. More babies have entered my life that I get the unbelievable privledge to be "aunt" to. I survived the holidays and my birthday is in 2 days.

Today, I received an email response from the chief at the state's attorney office to that initial inquiry. Perhaps this will be the way God helps me understand what's happening with my case. Maybe He sent me this woman so that things can move forward. Maybe she'll want to help me, really help me.

I want my stepfather to have to face what he did. I want him to understand the damage he caused and I want my family to understand that he is not a safe person for my niece and nephews and cousins to be around. The more research I did, the more I realized that he committed a felony, a crime, against me and he shouldn't just get to live a happy life now. I want him to face his actions and I want him to ask God for forgiveness. I want him to ask me for forgiveness. I want my family to see, really see. And I want my family safe and free from the bondage he has them in.

Maybe this is the way God will defend me. Maybe He will use this woman for something in my life. Or maybe its His way of reminding me that He hasn't forgotten, that He understands and that He is in charge.

Whatever it is...this email lets me know I'm not alone anymore. Someone heard my cry. Maybe they'll do something about it. Praying God's will be done, not mine!

Some Rambling....

A friend of mine asked me if I knew of anyone who has survived domestic violence or sexual abuse. She is looking for a speaker for her classes (she teaches for the local community college). We've have talked before about this subject and so I went ahead and offered my services, though I doubt I'll be a good speaker - I'm much more comfortable with the written expression of my story. Anyway, I told her that if for some reason I am unable to bring myself to speak to her classes then a good movie to show is Bastard Out of Carolina.

The truth is that this movie is a very powerful portrayal of a life that keeps knocking people around. I believe this is a tool that can help someone understand the crazy hectic circumstances that abuse, poverty, hurt, loss and life can bring. Of course, I came home and found it on YouTube and started watching - bad idea!

First off, this is a movie I watched with my mother when I was 13 or 14 and in the midst of experiencing the all too secretive world of sexual abuse. Towards the end of the film, the mother chooses her husband after catching him raping her daughter. My mother's words were, "I can't believe a mother would choose the man over her own child." Thus starting my daily fight with myself regarding speaking out because I assumed my mother would believe me and choose me...

Well, I was wrong. After I turned 18, the truth was revealed through a hospital social worker/therapist - who I am very grateful for today. My mother was quick to turn to her husband, believe his lies and decide that I was sick, looking for attention and lying. This moment in my life set in motion the next few years of wanting nothing else but to die and relieve this planet of my derrangement.

Okay, so at the end of the movie the mother comes back to the daughter and explains how much she loves her husband and how she just can't leave him. She then explains to her daughter how much she loves her.

This makes no sense to me. My own mother would tell me she loved me. I understand holding your baby girl in your arms, making promises to her, loving her with all your heart and wanting only to give her a life you never had. A mother loves her brand new baby girl.

Then life tosses you around, throws hardships at you and expects you to keep you stay standing. So, you find a man to keep your head above the water. Barely breathing, you give your heart to him and let him become your only reason for living.

The man then begins to break your baby girl. He tells her how much he loves her and how much he loves you. He begins to get close to your daughter and you think its great. Then one day, he invites her onto his lap, into his bed or on a drive. Things happen and because he loves her and you, she can't tell you what happened. Her voice is taken from her. Her heart is smashed into a million pieces that she'll never be able to put back together. And you love him.

Finally the truth comes out but your connection with your daughter has been lost. You took it away from her and gave it to your husband. Then, he squashed the little bit that was left of her. Your life affected her in ways you didn't see and now for some reason you love the man more than the promises you made to your sweet, baby girl in the hospital room.

Then you have the horrible idea to tell your daughter you love her. She'll never believe you again. You've broken that bond. She was hoping to find comfort in you and all she found was the empty hospital room with you no where to be found.

You decieve yourself into thinking you have a great life. You think about your baby girl often. You tell yourself you love her and that she'll never know how much. The truth is that you're too broken to stand up for yourself, for you daughter. You're angry with her because he loved her. You're angry because she was stronger than you and fought for her freedom. You'll never again hold your baby girl in your arms and all she'll ever want for the rest of her life is for you to hold her.

The problem is that you broke her hope. You were supposed to be strong for her and instead she had to be strong for you. No one can explain why you chose your daughter's abuser. No one can help her understand why you abandoned her and why he did the things he did. She will forever be without you because even the thought of you, or watching a movie that reminds her of you, will drive her crazy.

Don't you see? She can't believe you ever loved her, no matter how many times you say it, because you left her so that you could love the person who destroyed her. You keep fooling yourself, that somehow she left you. She doesn't want to be around her very real monster and yet you share a bed with him. Your baby girl did nothing to deserve what he did or how you responded to his actions.

You get it yet? You can't love her, not really.

All Those Attempts on My Life

*Note: For anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts this post may be triggering. Please read with caution. There are resources for you at the bottom of this post.*

Another successful suicide. Another soul finding its only solace in the bittersweet escape of death. Another family at a loss for how to proceed. Another life stolen from the world by the devil himself. Another hurting soul who lost all hope for change.

I'm unsure of what happens to a soul when it committs suicide. Does that person get to go to heaven? Do they have to suffer the realms of hell where their life on earth seems like heaven? Do they wait in some wasteland for open arms that never come? If they believe that Jesus died for their sins, surely they will be given an opportunity to spend eternity with Him. But those who committ suicide don't fully understand the gift that was given for them for the chains of hell have kept them in bondage for so long.

Today my prayer is simple: Thank You for not letting me die.

All those attempts on my life: the ones that where I reached out and made it to the hospital for saving, the ones where God spared my life when I told no one, the ones when I was angry for still being alive, angry at God for not wanting me in heaven and angry with the people who loved me enough to force me to the hospital and the ones that were slow and building every day.

All those attempts on my life: the ones where I saw no other option, the ones where I just wanted to escape the ever present pain of abuse and abandonment, the ones where nothing else helped ease my sense of worthlessness, the ones where I believed only God loved me and I had to just be with Him, the ones where I hated myself, the world and everyone in it and the ones where I just didn't know how to keep on living anymore.

Suicide is a evil trick of the devil. He is masterful at whispering those evil beliefs into your ears for your brain and soul to live on. He is a wicked soul who knows that his ultimate destruction is near and we all know misery loves company.

So many people don't understand suicide. If you've never thought it, fought it, attempted it or succeeded at it then you will never fully understand the weight of it on a person's soul.

I am a lucky soul. I have been rescued from the torment of suicide. It no longer controls my every thought. I no longer imagine different scenarios to take myself out of this world. I have been given a new life and with that comes the ability to discern the evil voice of satan from the good, gentle voice of God. My heart breaks when I learn of another person struggling with suicidal thoughts. My heart crumbles when I learn of a successful suicide, especially one within my own community.

I have a unique position in the world because I have both experienced and overcame the spirit of suicide. I also know that suicide is not a mental disorder but a battle in the spiritual realm, a battle for our souls between good and evil. This means that I know anyone who is willing to let God transform their mind can learn to fight this battle and with that experience the life that God created for them to enjoy. With this position comes the responsibility to interceed on behalf of those losing the battle with suicide and teach those who confide in me the way to fight.

My heart is with the families of the ones who have paid the ultimate price in this war. And my heart is forever uplifting those who are still fighting. I promise that if you put in the hard work of renewing your mind, suicide will lose its stronghold on you and you will be able to thank God for not letting you die.

Today my prayer is simple: Thank You for not letting me die.

~

R.I.P. Seth 1.9.12

~

If you are reading this and struggle at all with suicide please confide in someone you can trust. Your life is too precious to be lost to the devil. If you cannot trust anyone please email me, call the National Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255) or use a resource I used to use - email jo@smartians.org - this is a free email resource where you can pour out your soul and within 24 hours someone will reply to your email to let you know that you are not alone.

That Big Talking Fork in the Road

from http://www.brainlesstales.com/

Options. Choices. Decisions. Goals. Dreams. Plans.

You go about your days - filling them with friends, facebook, twitter, television, work, volunteering, and the random moments of utter happiness. You think you are on the right path. You've overcome so much along that path - where you didn't really make too many choices except who to go to prom with, what college to attend and and how to attend a party late night while still making it to class in the morning.

Then one day college is over, you've been at your job for a while now and life is pretty much the same every day - where the decision is what movie to see and Chinese or Pizza for dinner? Things are easy going because you manage your budget well and have been blessed to live in America.

Then one, sunshinny day, while you're biggest decision is "Pepsi or Coke" you run into the big, talking fork in the road! It taunts you with endless possibilities. It tells you stories of people who have gone before you. It makes you laugh (and cry) with a pro and con list for each path it lays before you. And it just keeps reminding you that you must choose which way to continue with your life. You gotta decide what path you are gonna take.

And all the sudden - you're a grown up. You've actually come to the fork in the road that determines how your adult life is gonna play out. Which job to take, where to live, when to get married - or not and how to begin your life!!!

How the heck did this BIG fork in the road sneak up on me? How did I become 25 years old and still so uncertain with what I want my life to be by the time I'm 25 years old? And how do I decide which path to take? What do I do from here? How do I choose?

Such is the life of a twentysomething here in America, I suppose. Those young years just fly by and we get taken aback when the very real dilema of adulthood shows up on our front door. We're all born for more and yet we don't even understand what that truely means.

Here goes my 25th year of life - maybe by the end of it I'll have embarked on one of the paths that lay before me and have made decent strides toward who I want to be in this world.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, good luck to you! I'm cheering you on from the mighty blogging world!