Not again....

And just like that, with one paragraph, she rips me open again.

Last week, she called to see if I wanted my baby stuff...Of course I do. I didn't answer the phone, her message was just so friendly, she said "I love you and think about you every day." And I wrote on fb that even the smallest type of communication brings back those feelings of abandonment and that I hate when she tries to wiggle back in with sweet words like it's okay.

Then she sends me this message, tells me that I was mean with what I said. She tells me she's going to hold on to my stuff until things are a bit better between us. She wants me to tell her if she'll ever be a part of my life again. She just completely and utterly places ALL blame on me.

How am I in the wrong here???? How??? I don't understand it. She never hears me when I tell her. She's convinced that I'm lying about everything. But literally every memory I have is haunted by her husband's hands, arms, lips, face. Every day I experience him in some way. There's not a day that goes by where I don't remember. I couldn't have possibly made this up. I'm not lying. There's too much, too much detail, too much memory, too many times and I'm sure I don't remember them all.

But it's my fault that I've separated myself from her? I can't have her in my life. She chose him. She chooses him every day. She sleeps next to him. I'm sure they have sex. She loves him. She never listened to anything. She never asked me about him.

She wants me to think of me and her only....but she includes him. How can I have her be apart of my life when she loves him so much? He's the monster in my story. He's the one that ruined me. He took away everything and I'm trying so hard to gain it back with Christ. And I don't know what is worse, the abuse or the fact that he stole my family from me. Why won't she just leave it alone? Why must she do this? And why on earth do I let it effect me so much???????

My wounds are wide open this morning. I feel like I'm bleeding out. I just want to go home. I don't know if I can handle being at work today. I think I'm gonna be sick. I can feel me falling apart. This happens every time she does something like this. I don't understand it. It's been five years you'd think I'd be use to it by now. I just wanna go home....I need my Bible....I need that comfort. It hurts......

Not so lucky....

Had a session today....

I thought I was one of the lucky ones. One that wasn't haunted by night terrors or flashbacks. I just had my memories is all. But I was lucky because it didn't just spring up on me and I didn't wake up screaming during the night.

I thought I was lucky....until my therapist decided to tell me that what I experience every time I lay down and every time I go to bed are flashbacks. I thought it was just my sick mind, experiencing someone near me that's not physically there. I thought my memories were just coming back when I was relaxed. I thought that of course every time I took a shower I would think of this because I was naked after all. I mean seriously, not a flashbackk. I couldn't possibly be that bad off...its not that bad, I'm not as bad off as others are. I was a lucky one.

Today, I realized that I may not suffer from night terrors and I may not black out while experiencing a flashback but I definitely have flashbacks....pretty much every day. I literally feel him ontop of me, I freeze while going a memory runs through my head, I feel his arms around me, and I have to shake my head and body in order to force my head to think of something different. I do this pretty much every night when I get ready to sleep. I only sometimes have dreams about him, those dreams I normally wake with a rapid heart beat, high tempature and sweating.

I hate this new realization. The more I continue to go through this healing process the more I realize that it really is true. In fact, I think there may be more than just the one person. I remember things from before he was in my life...I passed it off as "normal kid stuff" until I watched something about an 8yr old hurting a 5yr old. Makes me wonder if those three specific times weren't maybe something more. I was so young though that its hard to remember exactly what happened. I hate that I can't remember and these new memories freak me out...what if the main person I remember wasn't the only one. What if there were more? I don't like that idea...

I hate this. I suppose though that exposing the darkness is tough. Realizing its more than just memories, but the fact that this stuff really happened....its just soooooooo hard. I get all overwhelmed and stuck in the nothingness of the dark pit that surrounds the the abuse.

I'm looking forward to just being healed. I want these flashbacks to STOP or at least lessen in frequency. It's hard...sooooo hard. My heart breaks and I my soul wounds are riped open yet again.

guess i'm not as lucky as i thought.....hmmm....sigh.

Needed to write, this is what came out...

Tonight, I came across some different letters from people. Its amazing the difference between people who love God and live for Him and the people who just believe in God.

Tonight, I read some letters from my mother. Her words are so hurtful.

Tonight, I wonder if I'll be truly ok. Will this always haunt me?

This past week, I've been intaking lots of information. I watched a special on Oprah's website where she interviewed sex offenders. I read a book about a 12 yr old who was abused at home and then kidnapped by a sicko. I read a book about a girl who just went the wrong way and was in a bad relationship (lots and lots of bad relationships).

My thoughts while driving down the road or going for a walk are consumed with the possibility that a child in those houses could be being hurt. What are the secrets within those walls? What if there's a child who is scared to go to bed at night because of the person who will visit? What if a child is being beaten because the adult is upset about finances.

My thoughts are consumed every time I speak with someone with the possibility that there is abuse in their past. What if they were raped in high school? What if their father hurt them? What if their brother let his friends use them? Its possible.

This issue is so wide spread that I don't understand why we feel so alone in it. Seriously, even know I have times where its like no one understands. That book about that little girl...her mom went back to the boyfriend, blamed the girl for having sex with her boyfriend. And yet, that little girl was adopted by a wonderful family who loved her. She wasn't completely alone. The adoptive mother was once abused as a child and is now helping others. I don't understand it.

I still feel at times like I'm never going to fully overcome this burden. Like it's always going to be hovering close by, waiting for a chance to strike and knock me back down. Like the feeling that he's near me is never going to go away. Every time I lay down to go to sleep, I feel him next to me. He's always there. Every time I go to the bathroom or take a shower, he's there. He's always there. It waits to take me. Just waiting for me to give into it again in all aspects of my life. Some nights the temptation to cut just to focus on that and not him is so strong.

I'm amazed at the fact that this is still such a horrible experience. I'm such a different person and I'm in such a different place that I just don't understand how it can control my every night. There's not a day that goes by where I'm not haunted with his presence in some way. How can he still control so much of me? Granted its a lot less than before, but still...I thought it would go away. Does it ever go away??????

Tonight, I'll go to sleep, praying he's not in my dreams. Praying he keeps his hands off of me.

Tonight, I'll end my day asking God to mend my wounds once again. The pain in my soul is too much to bear alone.

Tonight, tonight my tears flow honestly. And I wonder, will it ever go away?

God Understands

Can I just say how awesometastic the God I serve is?

Seriously! He's like the most amazing being to ever have existed. His love is deep and rich. He doesn't look at your accomplishments or wordly success. He looks directly into every inch of your heart. He sees the broken pieces and His hand automatically stretches out to begin the mending process. He sees the pain that has been inflicted upon your heart and soul and immediately He takes it upon Himself. His love is so grand that it fills your heart instantly. He nevers look anywhere else, never sees what the world sees, only cherishing your heart and who He created you to be! He sees the potential, the gifts, the desire, the passion, the strength, the abilities, the love, the whole you!

I often struggle with the fact that I don't have anyone in my life that truly understands how I feel about the issues within my family. No one in my life has been cast aside by their mother (and the rest of their family) as she stays married and deeply in love with their abuser. The family that once was mine, no longer belongs to me. He took them away from me and I'll never have them back. No one in my life has walked the same path as me - not even close. No other human being has ever been able to show me the greatness that God has for me on the other side of this. I have yet to meet a person that has been abandoned much like I have and has chosen to heal with God leading their lives. It frustrates me!!! Especially when my mother tries to weasle her way back into my life with words that hold no meaning for me. It throwns me into a whirlwind for a few days - I know this about myself. It's much better than two years ago when I lived in a constant tornado of bad days. I just need someone to show me that there's a way out!

Then, I remembered something. Jesus became sin. He didn't just die for us. Oh no. He took every sin that we could ever imagine committing (and every sin that would never enter our thoughts) and literally became them. God and sin can't coexist. God turned His head away from his Son. Jesus literally was abandoned in His last moments of life. And yes, He knew it was part of the Father's will, but the human emotions that I'm sure He felt must have been utterly horrible. For the first time I believed He felt shame, possibly even disgust with Himself at what He had become. And yet, He did it because He loved us completely. More than anything, He loved those whose sin He had become.

I've wondered before if God could truly understand I feel about things. Sure, I tell Him all the time. I experience all my human emotions while holding His hand - otherwise I wouldn't be able to resist the temptation that so fills my life at moments when my boundaries are invaded. He hears my cries and catches my tears in His hands. But does He truly understand? I decided that He does. It obviously isn't exactly the same, but He experienced the emotions. And He's seen all that has happened in my life. He was there with me through it all. Keeping me from further self-destruction and other abusers that were so readily available.

He is my other half. He's my core. He's the One who knows everything about me. No one will ever know me like my God knows me. He understands me like no one else ever will. He is my heart. He is my King. All I want is to lose myself completely in His love. I love Him so much!

Mighty Temptations

I managed to escape the pain last night. After a horrible day at work I didn't let myself be alone, or to stop and think. The pain from the morning was too much and it affected me until I lost myself in the nothingness of being busy. But the longer I sit here at work with nothing to occupy my mind, the more I sense myself crumbling. I have no plans tonight....could go to the church but am nervous about having the money for gas...though I have to fill up tomorrow anyway. Hmmm...I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Another part of me just wants to give into the overwhelming temptation of self-harm. It's everywhere! The pain in my knee from bowling 7 games last night, the pain in my hand from holding on to the ball, the soreness in my chin from so many lundges on the same leg while bowling...its so tempting! The constant flow of rubberbands on my desk and now on my wrist. The use of scissors for different projects, for the opening of boxes, for anything. Preparing dinner with knives and the heat of the oven and stove. The easy access to a lighter. I feel very weak and unable to not give in.

How do I push through this? How do I not let the people and demons of my past dictate my present? How will I feel after giving in to such temptation? Will it be worth it? Maybe for a few hours while it keeps my insides together. But once you start its hard to stop. I don't want to fall backwards. I must really have let my guard down lately if this little email from my mother can affect me in such ways. I go back to counseling on Monday - UGH! Can you imagine what I'm going to feel after speaking about this stuff aloud? Oh my gosh!

Temptation is constant in my days now. How do I distract myself. I leave work in five minutes. Blessings on my night....protection from myself....strength through my God.

Re-opened wounds....again.

During church yesterday I get all convicted about the fact that if I died today, I would leave the relationship with my family so unresolved. I figure that I've done what I can without giving in to their denial of the truth. But nonetheless I decide that I need to send a small postcard with the words "you're forgiven and loved." This postcard would have to be from Jesus because right now I am so not loving them and am having a hard time forgiving them.

Then, I'm on facebook later that night and my mother (who I've asked to not contact me in any way until she is ready to accept the truth) sends me a message. Seriously? What is her problem? She says that "through thick and thin, Tamara, I love you"..."I think about you every day." Seriously? Do you think about me when you're in bed with your husband? When you're alone at home and just want company? Did you think about me on my birthday when you were vacationing with your husband? Do you think about me when you're with the two grandchildren you love so much? Do you think about me when you look into your husbands eyes and say you love him? Do you think about me late at night, when all around you is calm and that naggy voice whispers "what if she's telling the truth?"???????? When do you think about me? Everyday? Seriously?

I wanted to scream at her. YOU WEREN'T THERE THROUGH THE THICK. You left me to find my way in a world when I had nothing. You didn't visit me in the hospital. You didn't ask for my story. You never wanted the details. You let me live in homeless shelters and the homes of strangers. You never wanted to understand what I was going through. You didn't believe me. You choose to love him and support him through his lies. You are weak. You choose to be with him because you're afraid of being alone. You've chosen a man over your daughter. You never supported me in the healing process...you were just mad because I was having trouble. You never showed me you cared. Your words mean nothing to me. YOU WEREN'T THERE THROUGH THE THICK!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to let her know that while I'm having a hard time forgiving and loving her, I know of someone who will...if she chooses. But she already thinks I think I'm better than her when it comes to a relationship with Christ. I suppose I've just allowed Him to bring more freedom into my life, more love, more truth. I know I have a more developed relationship with Him than she does, I can tell by the way we walk out our lives. You can always tell by the walk of a person, never by their words. What good would it do? Does she even think she needs forgiveness? Probably not because she thinks I'm lying...so I'm in the wrong, right?

The wounds in the pit of stomach, the ones that I recently allowed God to mend after they were ripped open, the painful ones that are directly attached to my heart and soul, yeah, those ones....they've been ripped wide open again. And while I didn't allow myself to feel them last night, they are definitely making themselves known this morning. The pain that makes it way out from the deepest part of my being, is almost uncontainable. I just want to curl up in a ball and let it take me...even just for a while. Or I could always smash it down with food. Or I could curl up in that ball and let Jesus comfort me while the tears come. It may be just me, but my body must be real in tune with my soul because I know that I can feel the pain...real pain. Just like I felt before, only at the moment I don't feel Jesus working to mend the wounds. I feel like I'm just bleeding out and its not okay.

Why does she have this much control over me? Why do any of my family members have this much control over the pain in my soul? My uncle didn't even know it was me when I requested him to be a friend on facebook....am I really that disconnected? Have they really forgotten me? Did the monster in my story really succeed in taking my family away from me? Why are the wounds so easily repunctured? When does the bleeding stop?

I wish there was just one person in my world that could truly understand what I'm going through. One person that has overcome and is living into their full potential. One person that has been abandoned by their family so they could keep the vilian and yet has found complete healing in Christ and has gone on to be healthy all around. Just one. Is that too much to ask for? Just one person to offer their support. To show me that the light I dream of is truly out there for me. That I'm strong enough to do this with Christ living inside of me. Just one person. Just one.

How do I go through my day? I'm so not fake anymore, I can't just pretend I'm okay at this point. It hurts too much to shove back down and turn on my happy face. I just want to curl up and let the tears come and feel the pain with Jesus...letting Him heal the wounds again.

So many questions. So much pain. So much confusion. So much shame. How do I get through the day?

Just Felt Like a Small Update

Wow, March 1st, 2010 already. It amazes me at how faithful God is.

I don't have much to say on here. Life has pretty much been smooth sailing. I've gotten a deeper look at how much love God has for His children. I have also been overcome with strong emotions - a small sample of the pain He feels when His children are hurt. My heart has been going deeper with Jesus and I'm beginning to truly fall in love with Him.

Being a human and being in love with the idea of love has gotten in my way of actually loving my Jesus. I listen to my friends who have decent, if not wonderful, relationships with their husbands and I know that I am in no position to be in that type of relationship right now. My mind is filled with just having a man to be my life's partner, but my heart and soul knows that my life partner is Jesus.

And so during this Lenten season, I am focusing on Him and not the "day dreams" of being in love with a man. I want to be in love with God. I want Him to be all I need to be happy. Once my heart is that lost in Him, I know the "desires" of my humanness will be met in such an abundant way.

I'm also going deeper in my walk of faith. Taking small steps that are actually gigantic steps in my mind. I want to just follow His direction and let Him take care of the outcome. Whatever step I take, He needs to be the One to tell me to take it. All I can control is my obedience and He will do the blessing (whatever that looks like) afterwards.

I am loving 2010 so far. Sure there's things that I wish I had in my humanness but these past two months have been such an amazing journey with my God that I wouldn't change anything - expect how much time I spend with Him.