During church yesterday I get all convicted about the fact that if I died today, I would leave the relationship with my family so unresolved. I figure that I've done what I can without giving in to their denial of the truth. But nonetheless I decide that I need to send a small postcard with the words "you're forgiven and loved." This postcard would have to be from Jesus because right now I am so not loving them and am having a hard time forgiving them.
Then, I'm on facebook later that night and my mother (who I've asked to not contact me in any way until she is ready to accept the truth) sends me a message. Seriously? What is her problem? She says that "through thick and thin, Tamara, I love you"..."I think about you every day." Seriously? Do you think about me when you're in bed with your husband? When you're alone at home and just want company? Did you think about me on my birthday when you were vacationing with your husband? Do you think about me when you're with the two grandchildren you love so much? Do you think about me when you look into your husbands eyes and say you love him? Do you think about me late at night, when all around you is calm and that naggy voice whispers "what if she's telling the truth?"???????? When do you think about me? Everyday? Seriously?
I wanted to scream at her. YOU WEREN'T THERE THROUGH THE THICK. You left me to find my way in a world when I had nothing. You didn't visit me in the hospital. You didn't ask for my story. You never wanted the details. You let me live in homeless shelters and the homes of strangers. You never wanted to understand what I was going through. You didn't believe me. You choose to love him and support him through his lies. You are weak. You choose to be with him because you're afraid of being alone. You've chosen a man over your daughter. You never supported me in the healing process...you were just mad because I was having trouble. You never showed me you cared. Your words mean nothing to me. YOU WEREN'T THERE THROUGH THE THICK!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanted to let her know that while I'm having a hard time forgiving and loving her, I know of someone who will...if she chooses. But she already thinks I think I'm better than her when it comes to a relationship with Christ. I suppose I've just allowed Him to bring more freedom into my life, more love, more truth. I know I have a more developed relationship with Him than she does, I can tell by the way we walk out our lives. You can always tell by the walk of a person, never by their words. What good would it do? Does she even think she needs forgiveness? Probably not because she thinks I'm lying...so I'm in the wrong, right?
The wounds in the pit of stomach, the ones that I recently allowed God to mend after they were ripped open, the painful ones that are directly attached to my heart and soul, yeah, those ones....they've been ripped wide open again. And while I didn't allow myself to feel them last night, they are definitely making themselves known this morning. The pain that makes it way out from the deepest part of my being, is almost uncontainable. I just want to curl up in a ball and let it take me...even just for a while. Or I could always smash it down with food. Or I could curl up in that ball and let Jesus comfort me while the tears come. It may be just me, but my body must be real in tune with my soul because I know that I can feel the pain...real pain. Just like I felt before, only at the moment I don't feel Jesus working to mend the wounds. I feel like I'm just bleeding out and its not okay.
Why does she have this much control over me? Why do any of my family members have this much control over the pain in my soul? My uncle didn't even know it was me when I requested him to be a friend on facebook....am I really that disconnected? Have they really forgotten me? Did the monster in my story really succeed in taking my family away from me? Why are the wounds so easily repunctured? When does the bleeding stop?
I wish there was just one person in my world that could truly understand what I'm going through. One person that has overcome and is living into their full potential. One person that has been abandoned by their family so they could keep the vilian and yet has found complete healing in Christ and has gone on to be healthy all around. Just one. Is that too much to ask for? Just one person to offer their support. To show me that the light I dream of is truly out there for me. That I'm strong enough to do this with Christ living inside of me. Just one person. Just one.
How do I go through my day? I'm so not fake anymore, I can't just pretend I'm okay at this point. It hurts too much to shove back down and turn on my happy face. I just want to curl up and let the tears come and feel the pain with Jesus...letting Him heal the wounds again.
So many questions. So much pain. So much confusion. So much shame. How do I get through the day?
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