I managed to escape the pain last night. After a horrible day at work I didn't let myself be alone, or to stop and think. The pain from the morning was too much and it affected me until I lost myself in the nothingness of being busy. But the longer I sit here at work with nothing to occupy my mind, the more I sense myself crumbling. I have no plans tonight....could go to the church but am nervous about having the money for gas...though I have to fill up tomorrow anyway. Hmmm...I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Another part of me just wants to give into the overwhelming temptation of self-harm. It's everywhere! The pain in my knee from bowling 7 games last night, the pain in my hand from holding on to the ball, the soreness in my chin from so many lundges on the same leg while bowling...its so tempting! The constant flow of rubberbands on my desk and now on my wrist. The use of scissors for different projects, for the opening of boxes, for anything. Preparing dinner with knives and the heat of the oven and stove. The easy access to a lighter. I feel very weak and unable to not give in.
How do I push through this? How do I not let the people and demons of my past dictate my present? How will I feel after giving in to such temptation? Will it be worth it? Maybe for a few hours while it keeps my insides together. But once you start its hard to stop. I don't want to fall backwards. I must really have let my guard down lately if this little email from my mother can affect me in such ways. I go back to counseling on Monday - UGH! Can you imagine what I'm going to feel after speaking about this stuff aloud? Oh my gosh!
Temptation is constant in my days now. How do I distract myself. I leave work in five minutes. Blessings on my night....protection from myself....strength through my God.
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