Not so lucky....

Had a session today....

I thought I was one of the lucky ones. One that wasn't haunted by night terrors or flashbacks. I just had my memories is all. But I was lucky because it didn't just spring up on me and I didn't wake up screaming during the night.

I thought I was lucky....until my therapist decided to tell me that what I experience every time I lay down and every time I go to bed are flashbacks. I thought it was just my sick mind, experiencing someone near me that's not physically there. I thought my memories were just coming back when I was relaxed. I thought that of course every time I took a shower I would think of this because I was naked after all. I mean seriously, not a flashbackk. I couldn't possibly be that bad off...its not that bad, I'm not as bad off as others are. I was a lucky one.

Today, I realized that I may not suffer from night terrors and I may not black out while experiencing a flashback but I definitely have flashbacks....pretty much every day. I literally feel him ontop of me, I freeze while going a memory runs through my head, I feel his arms around me, and I have to shake my head and body in order to force my head to think of something different. I do this pretty much every night when I get ready to sleep. I only sometimes have dreams about him, those dreams I normally wake with a rapid heart beat, high tempature and sweating.

I hate this new realization. The more I continue to go through this healing process the more I realize that it really is true. In fact, I think there may be more than just the one person. I remember things from before he was in my life...I passed it off as "normal kid stuff" until I watched something about an 8yr old hurting a 5yr old. Makes me wonder if those three specific times weren't maybe something more. I was so young though that its hard to remember exactly what happened. I hate that I can't remember and these new memories freak me out...what if the main person I remember wasn't the only one. What if there were more? I don't like that idea...

I hate this. I suppose though that exposing the darkness is tough. Realizing its more than just memories, but the fact that this stuff really happened....its just soooooooo hard. I get all overwhelmed and stuck in the nothingness of the dark pit that surrounds the the abuse.

I'm looking forward to just being healed. I want these flashbacks to STOP or at least lessen in frequency. It's hard...sooooo hard. My heart breaks and I my soul wounds are riped open yet again.

guess i'm not as lucky as i thought.....hmmm....sigh.