Not again....

And just like that, with one paragraph, she rips me open again.

Last week, she called to see if I wanted my baby stuff...Of course I do. I didn't answer the phone, her message was just so friendly, she said "I love you and think about you every day." And I wrote on fb that even the smallest type of communication brings back those feelings of abandonment and that I hate when she tries to wiggle back in with sweet words like it's okay.

Then she sends me this message, tells me that I was mean with what I said. She tells me she's going to hold on to my stuff until things are a bit better between us. She wants me to tell her if she'll ever be a part of my life again. She just completely and utterly places ALL blame on me.

How am I in the wrong here???? How??? I don't understand it. She never hears me when I tell her. She's convinced that I'm lying about everything. But literally every memory I have is haunted by her husband's hands, arms, lips, face. Every day I experience him in some way. There's not a day that goes by where I don't remember. I couldn't have possibly made this up. I'm not lying. There's too much, too much detail, too much memory, too many times and I'm sure I don't remember them all.

But it's my fault that I've separated myself from her? I can't have her in my life. She chose him. She chooses him every day. She sleeps next to him. I'm sure they have sex. She loves him. She never listened to anything. She never asked me about him.

She wants me to think of me and her only....but she includes him. How can I have her be apart of my life when she loves him so much? He's the monster in my story. He's the one that ruined me. He took away everything and I'm trying so hard to gain it back with Christ. And I don't know what is worse, the abuse or the fact that he stole my family from me. Why won't she just leave it alone? Why must she do this? And why on earth do I let it effect me so much???????

My wounds are wide open this morning. I feel like I'm bleeding out. I just want to go home. I don't know if I can handle being at work today. I think I'm gonna be sick. I can feel me falling apart. This happens every time she does something like this. I don't understand it. It's been five years you'd think I'd be use to it by now. I just wanna go home....I need my Bible....I need that comfort. It hurts......