Tonight, I came across some different letters from people. Its amazing the difference between people who love God and live for Him and the people who just believe in God.
Tonight, I read some letters from my mother. Her words are so hurtful.
Tonight, I wonder if I'll be truly ok. Will this always haunt me?
This past week, I've been intaking lots of information. I watched a special on Oprah's website where she interviewed sex offenders. I read a book about a 12 yr old who was abused at home and then kidnapped by a sicko. I read a book about a girl who just went the wrong way and was in a bad relationship (lots and lots of bad relationships).
My thoughts while driving down the road or going for a walk are consumed with the possibility that a child in those houses could be being hurt. What are the secrets within those walls? What if there's a child who is scared to go to bed at night because of the person who will visit? What if a child is being beaten because the adult is upset about finances.
My thoughts are consumed every time I speak with someone with the possibility that there is abuse in their past. What if they were raped in high school? What if their father hurt them? What if their brother let his friends use them? Its possible.
This issue is so wide spread that I don't understand why we feel so alone in it. Seriously, even know I have times where its like no one understands. That book about that little girl...her mom went back to the boyfriend, blamed the girl for having sex with her boyfriend. And yet, that little girl was adopted by a wonderful family who loved her. She wasn't completely alone. The adoptive mother was once abused as a child and is now helping others. I don't understand it.
I still feel at times like I'm never going to fully overcome this burden. Like it's always going to be hovering close by, waiting for a chance to strike and knock me back down. Like the feeling that he's near me is never going to go away. Every time I lay down to go to sleep, I feel him next to me. He's always there. Every time I go to the bathroom or take a shower, he's there. He's always there. It waits to take me. Just waiting for me to give into it again in all aspects of my life. Some nights the temptation to cut just to focus on that and not him is so strong.
I'm amazed at the fact that this is still such a horrible experience. I'm such a different person and I'm in such a different place that I just don't understand how it can control my every night. There's not a day that goes by where I'm not haunted with his presence in some way. How can he still control so much of me? Granted its a lot less than before, but still...I thought it would go away. Does it ever go away??????
Tonight, I'll go to sleep, praying he's not in my dreams. Praying he keeps his hands off of me.
Tonight, I'll end my day asking God to mend my wounds once again. The pain in my soul is too much to bear alone.
Tonight, tonight my tears flow honestly. And I wonder, will it ever go away?
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