First, I know it's been a long while since I've written on this blog. I created another blog during my Haiti adventure over New Year's 2014-2015. I have not done much posting for the public since then and here I am writing again.
Preparation. It's a wonderful thing. It gets you ready to face whatever the future may hold. Before going to Haiti, we had informational meetings where I learned what to expect, I visited my doctor and got up to date immunizations, and I spoke with and listened to God as I prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally for a trip that has changed the way I view my world. During my time within the school walls in Haiti, I had big dreams of bringing science and math alive to the children who attended. Like most of my big dreams, they got pushed aside to focus on life demands.
Over the past few years, I've worked as a preschool teacher, gone to school for education, and served as substitute teacher. Way back when I was in Kindergarten I remember thinking of how I was going to grow up and be just like my teacher (Mrs. Bricks - weird how I still know her name). In middle school, I was once again reminded of the influence that teachers can have on students going through traumatic and not so traumatic life situations. I set in my heart to become a teacher.
It's been 15 years and I'm still not an elementary school teacher with her own classroom. That's okay. God has prepared a path before me that I believe I am to travel. With the four-year degree that I now possess and the undeniable favor of my God, I remembered why I wanted to get my degree. I wanted to teach overseas with the Peace Corps. Through one of the elders at my church, God spoke to me and said, "Do it." So, I did some research, found the most perfect position, and applied.
While I may not know with 100% certainty that I have been accepted for this position, I believe that God has set in motion and laid the foundation for this journey. Now, I prepare. I prepare my house, my belongings, my body, my mind, my emotions. It's like preparing for rain.
Though my mind doubts, my heart never waivers from the reality of this journey; even more so now than a week ago. This past week the Missions and Outreach ministries of our church had a time of celebration and remembering of the work done over the past 25 years. After we talked and shared, my Pastor asked God to give us each a word that we could hold onto. The word given to me was "Prepare." I had visions of my time with the Peace Corps and what it would mean for my future relationship with the children of Haiti.
"I am preparing you, Beloved."
We then ended our prayers with a hymn,
"Lord prepare me / to be a sanctuary / pure and holy / tried and true
With thanksgiving / I'll be a living / sanctuary / for You"
Even just writing this, I have tears behind my eyes and goosebumps on my arms. I am still being prepared for the rest of my journey. There is so much going on in my heart. The seasons are changing in my story and I am getting ready to embrace the change and go where the wind (God controls that too) takes me!
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Learning from Youngins...Again
Let me share with you the thoughts running through my head over the past several weeks.
I have this amazing privilege of being trusted to care for the child of various families. And, for some unknown reason, these children love having me around and I love caring for them. These little souls are constantly teaching me what it means to have childlike faith and to put God first in all I do. The wonder they have when they look upon the world and the determination they show when they face an obstacle is contagious. They teach and remind me of what's most important in life every time I'm around them.
All of the children reach into my soul this way. They test me and help me grown in patience, kindness, determination, love, choice-making, and even fear. Yup. Fear.
As a kid, I grew up with a lot of fear. Many of you reading this know parts of my past. As I continue on the healing journey, I learn of more darkness and fear that gripped the heart and spirit of that little girl so many years ago. Even as an adult fear controls my choices. Sometimes its for the best and sometimes it is to my detriment. These children teach me how to face fear head on and to overcome even when my legs are frozen and voice is shaking.
A few weeks ago, I was putting a few of these little to bed. As I pat the back on the eldest child, I looked upon him and was overcome with a sense of safety. Though I cannot determine that he will never face harm, I knew, at that moment, he was safe. His siblings were safe. I was safe. No one and no thing was going to harm this beautiful, innocent child. He has parents that provide for his needs. So much so that he is determined to make sure life is "fair" and that he wins and succeeds at whatever he puts his mind to. The kicker, every adult in this child's life will always be there to support him. Through thick and thin, better or worse. He is safe and is providing safety for his younger siblings. This child does not live in fear. He faces fear head-on, even when it is scary.
Then, this past weekend, I had the opportunity to go to a 1 Direction concert. I took three young girls and we sat among thousands of other young girls (and some guys) as they experienced the best night of their young lives. My heart was overwhelmed with a sense of fear for these young people. In my heart of hearts, I knew that many, many, many, of these young people were not safe. They'd go home to fear-driven lives. Perhaps, even before coming to the concert they had been hurt by someone they were supposed to trust. Maybe they were struggling with depression or self-harm. I found myself struggling with my human instinct to judge the families who spent thousands of dollars on floor seats while I sat in the upper section. I was challenged to look upon these girls and feel sorry for the little girl who never got the opportunity to attend a concert. As I watched the young girls I brought with me, I just knew they were making memories to last their entire lives. They were experiencing something wonderful. All of the young girls in that field were happy and carefree for at least three hours. But, I had no idea what they may be going home to and what they'd have to face in the car ride home.
See, constantly learning and being stretch by young people. I am beyond grateful for the life I have now. I am safe now. I no longer go home afraid of what may happen. I provide for myself...well, God provides for me...and I do not fret over having enough to eat. As an adult, I have this amazing position with the young people I am around. I get to be the non-parent that kids talk to about life. I get to be an example of what it means to live courageously and follow the path laid before me. I get to be "Ti-Ti" to more young people than I could have ever imagined. Some of these children will need an advocate, a voice and a comforter. But all of them will be safe with me because I am now safe. No matter what - I am available when they call and do not judge. They can talk or text or type or scream or write or sleep or cry and I will listen, respond, comfort and pray.
To the young people in my life reading this: Know that I am always here. I have experienced more than you think possible. You are safe in my presence. I know how hard it is to trust someone but you do not have to face the world alone. Parents might not understand but I am so glad they trust me to be a sounding board and listening ear for you. Whatever you need, I'm here, whenever and always. Be strong. Be courageous. You are worth it. You are amazing. You can do this thing!!!
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Life-Long Beliefs....Broken
Let's be honest for a moment.
I learned, long ago, that I was in this world alone. No one was going to come and rescue me. No one was going to provide for me. No one was waiting for my phone call. No one was going to protect me. No one was going to be there when I most desperately needed someone.
I learned quickly to be an independent individual, relying on people as little as possible. This of course was difficult as a child, but by the age of 8 I had a pretty strong grasp on how to care for myself and my siblings. By the age of 9 I was traveling several miles to and from school in various routes and with various younger people. At 13, I made my own schedule, pleasing as many people as I could within a 24 hour period. I knew the bus routes, train schedules, and backways to and from places I needed to be by age 15. By the time I was 18, I knew how to seek help from homeless shelters, talk my way out of several types of not-so-great situations and pay bills on time. At 19, I had my very own apartment, was working several jobs, and went to college.
An independent woman. Not needing anything from anyone. I knew what I had to do and I did it. I survived. I made it happen. No one came to help me. Sure people were there, cheering me on, being an option for transportation or shelter every once in a while. But still, it was all on me to survive.
Then. Came. Tonight.
My independent background kicked into hyper gear when my car suddenly made a horrible noise and stopped working. Even once shifted into park, my car was rolling down the hill. I had two teens in my car. What was I to do? I was stranded on the side of the road, not expecting this to happen tonight, with two kids, and no money to pay out big bucks for fixing or for a new vehicle. I pulled myself together, couldn't let the kids see the tears building behind my eyes or the fear that pulsed through my veins. I made a phone call.
Not only did my mechanic friend answer the call, he left work early, walked me through the process, sat with me while we waited for the tow truck, bought me something to eat, and than worked on my car for several hours. His wife, being the amazing friend she is, had no problem letting him drop his husband/father duties for the night to come to my aid. As he worked on the car, I got to hang out with two awesome kiddos.
As I reflected on everything that was happening, I was overwhelmed with emotions I had never felt before and thoughts that had never entered my mind before. Someone had dropped their responsibilities to be there when I need them. Someone had chosen to come when I asked for help. How had this happened? No one has ever done that type of thing for me before. Every time I've reached out to someone in the past, it has not ended well.
The message I received from every previous attempts at asking someone for help in an "emergency" type of situation has been: "You are not worthy of my time. You are not important to me. Figure it out yourself. Don't bother me." And yet, here, tonight, on the side of the road, a man placed in my life (only by God's perfect design), by simply answering the phone and showing up, has shattered that message. He and his family have shown me what it means to have people that I can count on when it matters most.
I'm not saying my fears about people are fixed or the long-time, misguided beliefs are just gone all the sudden. That's just not plausible. But today, I was overcome with the knowledge that those beliefs are not from God and that God has placed people in my life to break those old beliefs. Tonight, I was not in someone's way, I was not an inconvenience, I was not alone. Someone cared enough about me to not leave me on the side of the road to figure it all out by myself. Tonight, I had someone.
And while he may never read this and never know just what an impact his actions had on my life-long held misconceptions about life and people, I will never forget. Tonight, and from this moment on, I will remember his actions and how he, and his family, was there for help. Even the little one who was so excited to help his daddy fix my car. This night, will not be forgotten, and for completely different reasons than my car breaking down.
I learned, long ago, that I was in this world alone. No one was going to come and rescue me. No one was going to provide for me. No one was waiting for my phone call. No one was going to protect me. No one was going to be there when I most desperately needed someone.
I learned quickly to be an independent individual, relying on people as little as possible. This of course was difficult as a child, but by the age of 8 I had a pretty strong grasp on how to care for myself and my siblings. By the age of 9 I was traveling several miles to and from school in various routes and with various younger people. At 13, I made my own schedule, pleasing as many people as I could within a 24 hour period. I knew the bus routes, train schedules, and backways to and from places I needed to be by age 15. By the time I was 18, I knew how to seek help from homeless shelters, talk my way out of several types of not-so-great situations and pay bills on time. At 19, I had my very own apartment, was working several jobs, and went to college.
An independent woman. Not needing anything from anyone. I knew what I had to do and I did it. I survived. I made it happen. No one came to help me. Sure people were there, cheering me on, being an option for transportation or shelter every once in a while. But still, it was all on me to survive.
Then. Came. Tonight.
My independent background kicked into hyper gear when my car suddenly made a horrible noise and stopped working. Even once shifted into park, my car was rolling down the hill. I had two teens in my car. What was I to do? I was stranded on the side of the road, not expecting this to happen tonight, with two kids, and no money to pay out big bucks for fixing or for a new vehicle. I pulled myself together, couldn't let the kids see the tears building behind my eyes or the fear that pulsed through my veins. I made a phone call.
Not only did my mechanic friend answer the call, he left work early, walked me through the process, sat with me while we waited for the tow truck, bought me something to eat, and than worked on my car for several hours. His wife, being the amazing friend she is, had no problem letting him drop his husband/father duties for the night to come to my aid. As he worked on the car, I got to hang out with two awesome kiddos.
As I reflected on everything that was happening, I was overwhelmed with emotions I had never felt before and thoughts that had never entered my mind before. Someone had dropped their responsibilities to be there when I need them. Someone had chosen to come when I asked for help. How had this happened? No one has ever done that type of thing for me before. Every time I've reached out to someone in the past, it has not ended well.
The message I received from every previous attempts at asking someone for help in an "emergency" type of situation has been: "You are not worthy of my time. You are not important to me. Figure it out yourself. Don't bother me." And yet, here, tonight, on the side of the road, a man placed in my life (only by God's perfect design), by simply answering the phone and showing up, has shattered that message. He and his family have shown me what it means to have people that I can count on when it matters most.
I'm not saying my fears about people are fixed or the long-time, misguided beliefs are just gone all the sudden. That's just not plausible. But today, I was overcome with the knowledge that those beliefs are not from God and that God has placed people in my life to break those old beliefs. Tonight, I was not in someone's way, I was not an inconvenience, I was not alone. Someone cared enough about me to not leave me on the side of the road to figure it all out by myself. Tonight, I had someone.
And while he may never read this and never know just what an impact his actions had on my life-long held misconceptions about life and people, I will never forget. Tonight, and from this moment on, I will remember his actions and how he, and his family, was there for help. Even the little one who was so excited to help his daddy fix my car. This night, will not be forgotten, and for completely different reasons than my car breaking down.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
A letter to my friends
Dear Women and Girls of All Ages,
There has been something weighing heavy on my heart for a few weeks now. Tonight, as I drove home, this burden became overwhelming and therefore I am writing to you now. This letter is in regards to Lady GaGa's newest song dominating the airwaves. I want to believe that the goal of this song is to be uplifting and filled with "girl power." However, it falls extremely short of this goal.
My dear friends, yes, even those I do not know, be on your guard with this song! The reality we face is that our bodies are intimately connected with our souls, hearts, and minds. The idea that a man "can't have my heart and won't use my mind" yet do whatever he wants with my body without consequence is the biggest lie of our generation. Your body is the vase that holds your very essence. It is imperative that you take a stance and do not let anyone do whatever they want with your vase.
My heart hurts for our generation. After 17 years of people using my body, I can tell you that no matter how hard you try, it will damage your heart, mind, and life. You will lose your voice if you do not exercise your ability to say "NO". In no circumstance should a person allow or invite another to use their body for whatever twisted, disgusting, lustful activities.
Take guard my sisters! Be prepared to protect your bodies, hearts, and minds against the horrible views of the world. There is nothing more valuable than your body, mind, spirit, and soul. You are more precious than silver and rubies. You, yes YOU, are beautiful, exceptionally wonderful, outstandingly and perfectly YOU!!!! Do not let the views of this world ruin who you are.
If I had the power, I would have this song taken off the airways. There is simply no point in exclaiming to a man, or anyone, that he can do whatever he wants to your body. This poorly thought out song points you, my young sisters, towards a life of darkness. Avoid it with all your might.
Sincerely,
A 27 year old female determined to overcome the years spent under the physical control of others.
There has been something weighing heavy on my heart for a few weeks now. Tonight, as I drove home, this burden became overwhelming and therefore I am writing to you now. This letter is in regards to Lady GaGa's newest song dominating the airwaves. I want to believe that the goal of this song is to be uplifting and filled with "girl power." However, it falls extremely short of this goal.
My dear friends, yes, even those I do not know, be on your guard with this song! The reality we face is that our bodies are intimately connected with our souls, hearts, and minds. The idea that a man "can't have my heart and won't use my mind" yet do whatever he wants with my body without consequence is the biggest lie of our generation. Your body is the vase that holds your very essence. It is imperative that you take a stance and do not let anyone do whatever they want with your vase.
My heart hurts for our generation. After 17 years of people using my body, I can tell you that no matter how hard you try, it will damage your heart, mind, and life. You will lose your voice if you do not exercise your ability to say "NO". In no circumstance should a person allow or invite another to use their body for whatever twisted, disgusting, lustful activities.
Take guard my sisters! Be prepared to protect your bodies, hearts, and minds against the horrible views of the world. There is nothing more valuable than your body, mind, spirit, and soul. You are more precious than silver and rubies. You, yes YOU, are beautiful, exceptionally wonderful, outstandingly and perfectly YOU!!!! Do not let the views of this world ruin who you are.
If I had the power, I would have this song taken off the airways. There is simply no point in exclaiming to a man, or anyone, that he can do whatever he wants to your body. This poorly thought out song points you, my young sisters, towards a life of darkness. Avoid it with all your might.
Sincerely,
A 27 year old female determined to overcome the years spent under the physical control of others.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Only the beginning
Only the beginning
These are the words that ring so clear in my ear
Such a great work is taking place within my soul
There is only so much I can control
The Comforter is here to wipe my tears
Especially when I do not understand why they fall
Or why they consume my entire being
Only the beginning
These three words speak truth
A truth that has become a part of my daily review
Not much compares to the inner turmoil
This perfection storm that rages within
Screams filled with horrendous lies and outrageous allegations
This truth begins to calm the thunder and clear the sky
Only the beginning
Within these words, a promise lies
There is much more to this life
The darkness may seem ever present
Yet, the morning brings joy, light, new brilliance
More than I can imagine, more than my dreams can create
Waiting for me to find my way
Only the beginning
The past haunts the present
It threatens the future
but, this transformation, however small
Promises to end the past of its power
And starting today, or yesterday, or last week
Or five years ago, new life has begun
Only the beginning
The work of the Spirit never ceases to amaze me
Why would One care so deeply for me
How could I be so deserving of such patience,
Grace, love, blessing, guidance, and gentleness
It is here that I have begun my journey home
Afterall, it is only the beginning
These are the words that ring so clear in my ear
Such a great work is taking place within my soul
There is only so much I can control
The Comforter is here to wipe my tears
Especially when I do not understand why they fall
Or why they consume my entire being
Only the beginning
These three words speak truth
A truth that has become a part of my daily review
Not much compares to the inner turmoil
This perfection storm that rages within
Screams filled with horrendous lies and outrageous allegations
This truth begins to calm the thunder and clear the sky
Only the beginning
Within these words, a promise lies
There is much more to this life
The darkness may seem ever present
Yet, the morning brings joy, light, new brilliance
More than I can imagine, more than my dreams can create
Waiting for me to find my way
Only the beginning
The past haunts the present
It threatens the future
but, this transformation, however small
Promises to end the past of its power
And starting today, or yesterday, or last week
Or five years ago, new life has begun
Only the beginning
The work of the Spirit never ceases to amaze me
Why would One care so deeply for me
How could I be so deserving of such patience,
Grace, love, blessing, guidance, and gentleness
It is here that I have begun my journey home
Afterall, it is only the beginning
Saturday, September 14, 2013
scary dreams
i had a dream last night. well, I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was inside a building with my sister, who was only a child in my dream. There were people all around us. The people I remember most was this table of men who I think were supposed to be cops or security guards or something.
Then I was attacked.
This man threw me to the ground and held me face down with all of his might. He began to rape me while I had my clothes on and the pain was intense. I screamed out, begged for my sister to kick this man off me. I looked straight into the eyes of men at the nearby table as I screamed for help. They all just looked at me - watching. Their eyes hurt my soul more than this man who was actively raping me in their presence.
I'm not sure exactly what happened next, but I wiggled myself free. I kept thinking that I had to get a good look at what he was wearing and his facial features so I could tell the cops. I wasn't going to let another person rape me and get away with it. I can see this man's face well in my mind, but it's hard to describe his features. I think it was kind of a combination of many different faces.
Next, I was on the bus trying to get to the hospital. I knew I couldn't take my clothes off or shower. I had to get help. I had to have some kind of justice. I didn't know who to call. I was all alone, riding this bus in the middle of the night. I had no clue what happened to my sister. I kept wondering why those men didn't help me. They just sat there and watched the whole thing.
The dream ended with me sitting in the hospital, waiting.
--------------
It wasn't until I opened my tear filled eyes that I realized I was dreaming. I'm not exactly sure what this dream means. Although, as I type about it I'm getting certain impressions.
Clearly, when I was younger I had no one to help me from the bad things that happened. I begged myself to cry out for help but nothing ever came out. Perhaps if I had, nothing would have been done and I would've been extremely alone as a young girl. It was bad enough that the "system" didn't do its job when I did finally speak out and ask for help. I was homeless at 18 as I finished my high school career and began college. What would have happened at 13 if my cries for help were unmet? I shutter to think about what would have become of me.
Maybe this dream was to help me understand that it was okay to wait for help. But my desire to get justice was there. I knew I couldn't let another person hurt me in such awful ways and not go on to live a happy life free from any consequences.
As I wrote about the section when the man is finally off of me, I couldn't help but feel like maybe I did have help in that situation. I don't recall seeing it happen in my dream, but what if God himself helped me out from that man's power? It makes sense. God is the one who stood behind during those most troubling times and helped me break free from the physical bondage of my abuser. Why would He stop just because it's a dream? He wouldn't.
I never ended up getting justice in my dream. I just waited for help from the world that never came. Thank goodness this was only a dream because I was not looking forward to being alone during the struggle again.
I was inside a building with my sister, who was only a child in my dream. There were people all around us. The people I remember most was this table of men who I think were supposed to be cops or security guards or something.
Then I was attacked.
This man threw me to the ground and held me face down with all of his might. He began to rape me while I had my clothes on and the pain was intense. I screamed out, begged for my sister to kick this man off me. I looked straight into the eyes of men at the nearby table as I screamed for help. They all just looked at me - watching. Their eyes hurt my soul more than this man who was actively raping me in their presence.
I'm not sure exactly what happened next, but I wiggled myself free. I kept thinking that I had to get a good look at what he was wearing and his facial features so I could tell the cops. I wasn't going to let another person rape me and get away with it. I can see this man's face well in my mind, but it's hard to describe his features. I think it was kind of a combination of many different faces.
Next, I was on the bus trying to get to the hospital. I knew I couldn't take my clothes off or shower. I had to get help. I had to have some kind of justice. I didn't know who to call. I was all alone, riding this bus in the middle of the night. I had no clue what happened to my sister. I kept wondering why those men didn't help me. They just sat there and watched the whole thing.
The dream ended with me sitting in the hospital, waiting.
--------------
It wasn't until I opened my tear filled eyes that I realized I was dreaming. I'm not exactly sure what this dream means. Although, as I type about it I'm getting certain impressions.
Clearly, when I was younger I had no one to help me from the bad things that happened. I begged myself to cry out for help but nothing ever came out. Perhaps if I had, nothing would have been done and I would've been extremely alone as a young girl. It was bad enough that the "system" didn't do its job when I did finally speak out and ask for help. I was homeless at 18 as I finished my high school career and began college. What would have happened at 13 if my cries for help were unmet? I shutter to think about what would have become of me.
Maybe this dream was to help me understand that it was okay to wait for help. But my desire to get justice was there. I knew I couldn't let another person hurt me in such awful ways and not go on to live a happy life free from any consequences.
As I wrote about the section when the man is finally off of me, I couldn't help but feel like maybe I did have help in that situation. I don't recall seeing it happen in my dream, but what if God himself helped me out from that man's power? It makes sense. God is the one who stood behind during those most troubling times and helped me break free from the physical bondage of my abuser. Why would He stop just because it's a dream? He wouldn't.
I never ended up getting justice in my dream. I just waited for help from the world that never came. Thank goodness this was only a dream because I was not looking forward to being alone during the struggle again.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
An Open Letter to Mothers of Daughters
To the Mothers of Daughters:
Wow! You truly mean the world to your little princess.
To her, you are the epitome of beautiful, the very definition of woman,
and the person she will forever love.
When she is in trouble, save her.
When she gets hurt, comfort her.
When she falls down, help her up.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so fiercely that she will never doubt your feelings.
When she tells you, believe her.
When she hurts you, forgive her.
When she hates you, like her.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so deeply that she may love herself.
When she hides, seek her.
When she comes, receive her.
When she reaches, grasp her.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so completely that she doesn't seek it elsewhere.
When she is weak, be strong.
When she is afraid, be fearless.
When she is wavering, be steady.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so unconditionally that she will know she has a home.
This position in life will forever be your most important. Don't let the world influence your relationship. Be courageous and teach her to never give up. Show her how to defend herself. Be prepared for the rough road. Rejoice when the sea is calm. Press on through the storms. Most importantly: never leave her side.
Sincerely,
A daughter
Wow! You truly mean the world to your little princess.
To her, you are the epitome of beautiful, the very definition of woman,
and the person she will forever love.
When she is in trouble, save her.
When she gets hurt, comfort her.
When she falls down, help her up.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so fiercely that she will never doubt your feelings.
When she tells you, believe her.
When she hurts you, forgive her.
When she hates you, like her.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so deeply that she may love herself.
When she hides, seek her.
When she comes, receive her.
When she reaches, grasp her.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so completely that she doesn't seek it elsewhere.
When she is weak, be strong.
When she is afraid, be fearless.
When she is wavering, be steady.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so unconditionally that she will know she has a home.
This position in life will forever be your most important. Don't let the world influence your relationship. Be courageous and teach her to never give up. Show her how to defend herself. Be prepared for the rough road. Rejoice when the sea is calm. Press on through the storms. Most importantly: never leave her side.
Sincerely,
A daughter
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
A Teacher's Prayer
For the days when I'm called "meanie" over and over again.
For the mornings when I'm hit and have shoes thrown at me.
For the times when I'm told "I hate you" or "I like the other teacher better".
For the days when I am tested and don't get an 'A'.
For the days when tears are ever threatening to fall.
For the moments when I'm overwhelmed by tiny humans.
For days like today.
Oh heavenly Father,
The perfect Teacher and
Most needed Friend.
It has been a rough day.
Please give me the strength to continue.
My flesh is so very weak,
My heart desires to never waiver.
Use me during days like today.
Shine Your light through me,
Even when I fail to keep my cool.
Renew my joy for my job.
Show me once again,
How blessed I am to be in this position.
Allow me to hear Your voice
And share Your kind, gentle words.
Guide my mouth, my hands and my feet.
Forgive me for thinking of harming another.
Forgive me for "losing my cool".
How wonderful are Your ways.
How blessed I am by You.
You show up when I need You most.
Even when I am unaware, You are there.
Comfort my soul as I prepare for tomorrow.
Your mercies are new every morning.
Refresh my spirit and
Allow Your grace to fall upon me.
Be in my classroom.
Send Your love on those children.
Thank You for their beautiful lives.
Amen.
For the mornings when I'm hit and have shoes thrown at me.
For the times when I'm told "I hate you" or "I like the other teacher better".
For the days when I am tested and don't get an 'A'.
For the days when tears are ever threatening to fall.
For the moments when I'm overwhelmed by tiny humans.
For days like today.
Oh heavenly Father,
The perfect Teacher and
Most needed Friend.
It has been a rough day.
Please give me the strength to continue.
My flesh is so very weak,
My heart desires to never waiver.
Use me during days like today.
Shine Your light through me,
Even when I fail to keep my cool.
Renew my joy for my job.
Show me once again,
How blessed I am to be in this position.
Allow me to hear Your voice
And share Your kind, gentle words.
Guide my mouth, my hands and my feet.
Forgive me for thinking of harming another.
Forgive me for "losing my cool".
How wonderful are Your ways.
How blessed I am by You.
You show up when I need You most.
Even when I am unaware, You are there.
Comfort my soul as I prepare for tomorrow.
Your mercies are new every morning.
Refresh my spirit and
Allow Your grace to fall upon me.
Be in my classroom.
Send Your love on those children.
Thank You for their beautiful lives.
Amen.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Life-Long Dreams In The Making
I recently began the second leg of my journey to a bachelor's degree in elementary education. I made up my mind after being let go of my previous full-time job that I would no longer let "life" get in the way of me achieving my life-long goal. Seriously, life long. I remember being in kindergarten and knowing that one day I'd be like Mrs. Bricks. That thought was only solidified in middle school when I had the best math teacher for two years, Ms. Roberson. I even still keep in touch with her from time to time either via facebook, text message or email. How awesome is that? I was even a part of a group called Future Teachers of Chicago and tutored other kids - crazy. Then in high school I had the amazing privilege of learning from some of the best professors in the state of Illinois, if not the country. I was a part of a few summer day camps for kids where we explored science and math and had tons of fun! Seriously, life long dream of mine.
Life got in the way though. Bad things were occurring in my personal life outside of all the school stuff. Being the victim of intense bullying for years only taught me to hold in my love for learning and teaching. I became a silent partaker of sub par education. I was even a victim of bullying within my own household for as long as I can remember. Add in the mental grooming taking place in my 12 and 13 year old head from the man who did horrible things to me and you have one screwed up girl. Somehow I found a way out.
Not just somehow. God made a way for me to escape the prison my life had become. I found that high school and was allowed to live on campus - away from the hell that silenced me and locked me away in a very lonely universe. And I began to understand that freedom was possible. My eyes began to open up to the reality of what my life had become. I didn't have to remain a prisoner in that house. The only problem was that my family wasn't living in a prison - they saw an entirely different person in my warden than I did. And so "life" got in the way once again.
I began a spiral down a dark road that I had entered when only 13 years old. Depression took over and I lost 4 years of my life to the darkness. Deep down God kept pushing me forward, refusing to let the obscene amount of drugs in my system kill me, several times over. And after barely being able to get up and begin my days and only moving forward because I didn't know what else to do...He provided another way out. He provided me the chance to go to Mercy Ministries and I was able to find freedom on a deeper level than just out of physical prison.
He gave me my life back. My dreams back. He revived my joy of life and showed me what it was like to truly live. Although "life" got in the way again of me achieving my dreams because I had to once again find a job and work to survive and provide a safe place to sleep at night. I think I needed those 3.5 years to remember how to enjoy life again. To balance work with friends. I needed the foundation of a good job to endure some heart-wrenching decisions I had to make regarding my family. Once that job had completed its purpose in my life I started to feel trapped again. God provided a way out - I had to be let go or I would have stayed trapped.
Now I'm back on my journey to my elementary education degree to be a middle school math teacher. And it just so happens that as I started that journey, my new job at a daycare needed a substitute in their Pre-K class (a lovely and demanding group of 4 and 5 year olds). You know what...this has been the best week and half of my life! I feel so at home with these kiddos. Letting them play, listening to them during circle time, singing with them, teaching them about science and exploring art projects. It's like God was providing another way for me to see the light - see my purpose.
Right at the beginning of my educational journey, God has shown me gentleness. He uses the staff I work with to encourage me and tell me how good I am with the kids. He opened this window for me to see the beginning of where I am to go in the long run. I don't know exactly what will happen after I get my degree but I know that it will be exactly what God has in mind. Watching some of the kids open up and really feel safe enough to just be kids and have fun learning has been amazing. I know that the time I have spent with them has been well received. I talk about these kids all the time. I am so proud of how much they've blossomed in such little time. They are such a great group of kiddos.
Tonight, I look over my journey so far and I can't believe that I haven't been teaching this whole time. Life has gotten in the way so many times. And I am so tired of letting life push me around and keep me stuck. Now its time for me to partner with God on this journey and walk the path He has laid before me. He has opened so many doors and windows in my life and led me in the right ways. I know I am on the right path with going back to school. And though many people don't understand what I am doing with my life, God knows and I know that He's always got my back. I'm so blessed to get this glimpse into my future and to know that my life will count for something to the children I meet in the classroom. Let the journey begin!
Life got in the way though. Bad things were occurring in my personal life outside of all the school stuff. Being the victim of intense bullying for years only taught me to hold in my love for learning and teaching. I became a silent partaker of sub par education. I was even a victim of bullying within my own household for as long as I can remember. Add in the mental grooming taking place in my 12 and 13 year old head from the man who did horrible things to me and you have one screwed up girl. Somehow I found a way out.
Not just somehow. God made a way for me to escape the prison my life had become. I found that high school and was allowed to live on campus - away from the hell that silenced me and locked me away in a very lonely universe. And I began to understand that freedom was possible. My eyes began to open up to the reality of what my life had become. I didn't have to remain a prisoner in that house. The only problem was that my family wasn't living in a prison - they saw an entirely different person in my warden than I did. And so "life" got in the way once again.
I began a spiral down a dark road that I had entered when only 13 years old. Depression took over and I lost 4 years of my life to the darkness. Deep down God kept pushing me forward, refusing to let the obscene amount of drugs in my system kill me, several times over. And after barely being able to get up and begin my days and only moving forward because I didn't know what else to do...He provided another way out. He provided me the chance to go to Mercy Ministries and I was able to find freedom on a deeper level than just out of physical prison.
He gave me my life back. My dreams back. He revived my joy of life and showed me what it was like to truly live. Although "life" got in the way again of me achieving my dreams because I had to once again find a job and work to survive and provide a safe place to sleep at night. I think I needed those 3.5 years to remember how to enjoy life again. To balance work with friends. I needed the foundation of a good job to endure some heart-wrenching decisions I had to make regarding my family. Once that job had completed its purpose in my life I started to feel trapped again. God provided a way out - I had to be let go or I would have stayed trapped.
Now I'm back on my journey to my elementary education degree to be a middle school math teacher. And it just so happens that as I started that journey, my new job at a daycare needed a substitute in their Pre-K class (a lovely and demanding group of 4 and 5 year olds). You know what...this has been the best week and half of my life! I feel so at home with these kiddos. Letting them play, listening to them during circle time, singing with them, teaching them about science and exploring art projects. It's like God was providing another way for me to see the light - see my purpose.
Right at the beginning of my educational journey, God has shown me gentleness. He uses the staff I work with to encourage me and tell me how good I am with the kids. He opened this window for me to see the beginning of where I am to go in the long run. I don't know exactly what will happen after I get my degree but I know that it will be exactly what God has in mind. Watching some of the kids open up and really feel safe enough to just be kids and have fun learning has been amazing. I know that the time I have spent with them has been well received. I talk about these kids all the time. I am so proud of how much they've blossomed in such little time. They are such a great group of kiddos.
Tonight, I look over my journey so far and I can't believe that I haven't been teaching this whole time. Life has gotten in the way so many times. And I am so tired of letting life push me around and keep me stuck. Now its time for me to partner with God on this journey and walk the path He has laid before me. He has opened so many doors and windows in my life and led me in the right ways. I know I am on the right path with going back to school. And though many people don't understand what I am doing with my life, God knows and I know that He's always got my back. I'm so blessed to get this glimpse into my future and to know that my life will count for something to the children I meet in the classroom. Let the journey begin!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
A True Sense of HOME
Today I had the honor and privilege to share part of my "How I found my home" story with my church family along with several others on the creative team. Naturally, when I'm about to share part of my story the enemy tries to counter with all his lies and never ending attempts to destroy my joy.
Anyone who has read my blog before knows the gist of my story so I'm not going to go into it with this post. In fact this post has a lot more to do with the beauty that has come from the all the pain and darkness of my past.
As I thought this week about having a home and "being home," I've realized that I truly am HOME.
This idea of HOME has always been a rough area for me. I never felt like I belonged in the places I grew up in. I never felt like I was a welcomed part of my family. And we moved apartments so often that I never felt stable. Being a grown up now, I can understand there was probably many adult reasons for all the moving but as a child I just assumed we didn't have a place we belonged. And as I spent most of my 18th year homeless and uncertain of what my life was to become it was only solidified that I had no place to call HOME.
I certainly didn't agree with the concept of "no place like home" because I had never experienced having a place or even people that felt like HOME to me. Until one God directed evening when I met the woman who led me HOME.
HOME. I walked into the doors of this new church and my spirit knew it was HOME. Of course the next few years I struggled to understand exactly what a HOME was and how I fit. But the truth is that I was loved in this new HOME and I was accepted with all my junk and all my flaws. I met a few more people and I joined a Life Group and these people slowly became my family.
*Side note: I don't mean to diss on my biological family because they do they best they know how to do or are able to do. But I never knew the type of love from them that I got from these strangers who loved me like God loves me. I believe my family has many evil spirits upon it and they don't know how to fight them, they simply give in to them. Maybe one day I'll get my biological family back but for now I miss them, I pray for them and I do the best I can to forgive the hurt I feel from them.*
HOME. After spending seven months in a Christ-centered treatment program for all the junk I was dealing with, I came HOME. This new family of mine welcomed me back with open arms and homes. They encouraged me on my journey and they supported my goals. And to this day they continue to show an interest in who I am becoming and they encourage me on my journey. This is my HOME.
When I go back to places I used to live, I don't feel this sense of HOME. I get the "no place like HOME" vibe now when I return to this city I had never heard of until I lived in it. I am so beyond blessed to finally have a place to call HOME and to have such incredible, loving people fill my HOME. Seven years ago, I would have never imagined the sense of HOME I now have. And I am overwhelmed by the fact that God has gone before me and He knows my path. If it weren't for a group of people twenty years ago I wouldn't have my HOME. God was creating my family before I even knew I would be without the one I grew up with.
Today I am well aware of the fact that I have a HOME and that I am welcomed and loved beyond anything I could have dreamed of. My God is so gracious and loving and He blesses me more than I could ever think possible!
Anyone who has read my blog before knows the gist of my story so I'm not going to go into it with this post. In fact this post has a lot more to do with the beauty that has come from the all the pain and darkness of my past.
As I thought this week about having a home and "being home," I've realized that I truly am HOME.
This idea of HOME has always been a rough area for me. I never felt like I belonged in the places I grew up in. I never felt like I was a welcomed part of my family. And we moved apartments so often that I never felt stable. Being a grown up now, I can understand there was probably many adult reasons for all the moving but as a child I just assumed we didn't have a place we belonged. And as I spent most of my 18th year homeless and uncertain of what my life was to become it was only solidified that I had no place to call HOME.
I certainly didn't agree with the concept of "no place like home" because I had never experienced having a place or even people that felt like HOME to me. Until one God directed evening when I met the woman who led me HOME.
HOME. I walked into the doors of this new church and my spirit knew it was HOME. Of course the next few years I struggled to understand exactly what a HOME was and how I fit. But the truth is that I was loved in this new HOME and I was accepted with all my junk and all my flaws. I met a few more people and I joined a Life Group and these people slowly became my family.
*Side note: I don't mean to diss on my biological family because they do they best they know how to do or are able to do. But I never knew the type of love from them that I got from these strangers who loved me like God loves me. I believe my family has many evil spirits upon it and they don't know how to fight them, they simply give in to them. Maybe one day I'll get my biological family back but for now I miss them, I pray for them and I do the best I can to forgive the hurt I feel from them.*
HOME. After spending seven months in a Christ-centered treatment program for all the junk I was dealing with, I came HOME. This new family of mine welcomed me back with open arms and homes. They encouraged me on my journey and they supported my goals. And to this day they continue to show an interest in who I am becoming and they encourage me on my journey. This is my HOME.
When I go back to places I used to live, I don't feel this sense of HOME. I get the "no place like HOME" vibe now when I return to this city I had never heard of until I lived in it. I am so beyond blessed to finally have a place to call HOME and to have such incredible, loving people fill my HOME. Seven years ago, I would have never imagined the sense of HOME I now have. And I am overwhelmed by the fact that God has gone before me and He knows my path. If it weren't for a group of people twenty years ago I wouldn't have my HOME. God was creating my family before I even knew I would be without the one I grew up with.
Today I am well aware of the fact that I have a HOME and that I am welcomed and loved beyond anything I could have dreamed of. My God is so gracious and loving and He blesses me more than I could ever think possible!
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Walking MY Path
I've been sitting here for the past few minutes writing. Then I deleted it all. Realizing that I don't want to complain but I want to spread hope with my words. The past 10 days have been a whirlwind. I've realized some things about myself and things are changing. 10 days ago I lost my job. And the fear is that I don't know what is going to happen. Yet I have this peace about me that keeps me from stressing too much right now.
I've been searching for a new job for a long time. I've submitted resumes and I've gone on interviews but I just haven't found the right thing for me next. I need something that will allow me to pay my bills and yet allow me to go to school too. I'm signed up for 17 credits next semester (3 science classes and Calc 2). However will I make it through? Sure unemployment benefits is an option, but for how long and will it allow me to pay rent.
A few months ago I interviewed for a position as a Pre- School teacher at a Christian school. I knew when I submitted my resume that I probably wouldn't meet the state requirements but I went ahead an applied at the urging of a friend. I went through the whole shebang and the director wanted to hire me - like really bad. She worked hard trying to make my experience and little bit of early childhood education credits work but in the end she was unable to hire me because I didn't meet state requirements. Two nights ago, I met a woman who works at the school (we have mutual friends) and just a few moments of spending time with me she said "I know I just met you but I already like you better than the girl we hired. You'd be so much better in the position because she's so reserved and you're not."
"Don't you get it, Tamara. You're not meant to behind a desk all day - stuffed away doing odds and ends and never really interacting with anyone. No. You're meant to be with the children. To be in the schools. To be a light to children who may only live in darkness. You are meant to shine and shine bright. No one should be trying to hide you under a stone and keep you behind a desk, on the other side of the phone line. No, Beloved, You were meant to make a difference in the lives of children and their families. You are the hand they need to hold. You can't get there without working hard and staying behind a desk is not going to get you there. Let Me show you the way."
There is so much confirmation in my life about where I should be headed. You see, Satan already tried to derail my path - several times. And sometimes he reminds me of how he succeeded in keeping me from where I would be if he hadn't intervened. But he never wins. He doesn't get to keep me hidden, afraid to step out and work towards a goal. He no longer gets to keep me stagnate at a comfortable job where my heart said leave but my heart said bills.
I may not know what my entire future holds for me but I do know that I will be a teacher and my life will matter and I will make a difference. I also know that God is with me every step of the way. When I'm on the right path I know it and I was off the path for quite a while as I stayed at the job, unhappy and unfulfilled. This path may be unsteady but my foundation is firm and I follow Him anywhere.
I've been searching for a new job for a long time. I've submitted resumes and I've gone on interviews but I just haven't found the right thing for me next. I need something that will allow me to pay my bills and yet allow me to go to school too. I'm signed up for 17 credits next semester (3 science classes and Calc 2). However will I make it through? Sure unemployment benefits is an option, but for how long and will it allow me to pay rent.
A few months ago I interviewed for a position as a Pre- School teacher at a Christian school. I knew when I submitted my resume that I probably wouldn't meet the state requirements but I went ahead an applied at the urging of a friend. I went through the whole shebang and the director wanted to hire me - like really bad. She worked hard trying to make my experience and little bit of early childhood education credits work but in the end she was unable to hire me because I didn't meet state requirements. Two nights ago, I met a woman who works at the school (we have mutual friends) and just a few moments of spending time with me she said "I know I just met you but I already like you better than the girl we hired. You'd be so much better in the position because she's so reserved and you're not."
"Don't you get it, Tamara. You're not meant to behind a desk all day - stuffed away doing odds and ends and never really interacting with anyone. No. You're meant to be with the children. To be in the schools. To be a light to children who may only live in darkness. You are meant to shine and shine bright. No one should be trying to hide you under a stone and keep you behind a desk, on the other side of the phone line. No, Beloved, You were meant to make a difference in the lives of children and their families. You are the hand they need to hold. You can't get there without working hard and staying behind a desk is not going to get you there. Let Me show you the way."
There is so much confirmation in my life about where I should be headed. You see, Satan already tried to derail my path - several times. And sometimes he reminds me of how he succeeded in keeping me from where I would be if he hadn't intervened. But he never wins. He doesn't get to keep me hidden, afraid to step out and work towards a goal. He no longer gets to keep me stagnate at a comfortable job where my heart said leave but my heart said bills.
I may not know what my entire future holds for me but I do know that I will be a teacher and my life will matter and I will make a difference. I also know that God is with me every step of the way. When I'm on the right path I know it and I was off the path for quite a while as I stayed at the job, unhappy and unfulfilled. This path may be unsteady but my foundation is firm and I follow Him anywhere.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Response to Sandusky
http://sports.yahoo.com/news/ncaaf--jerry-sandusky-delivers-one-final-hateful--haunting-response-to-his-victims.html
After reading this article about Jerry Sandusky's last days before being sentenced to spend the rest of his life in prison, I can't help but fear this is how my abuse thinks.
The author of the article makes this comment regarding the "speech" Sandusky gave before the court at his sentencing: "He wanted them to know: They'll remain his. Forever. That part of Touchdown Jerry, clad in red, remains safe and secure"
I wanted to scream because I felt it to be all too true. Even though he is behind bars and cannot physically hurt these men again, he will go with them into every day of their lives. The evil in this man doesn't allow him to see his actions for what they truly were. And he taunts his victims by telling the court how he will treasure the memories he has.
Unfortunately, the men he hurt will face their own memories and they will not be filled with happy feelings of those days by the pool and the nights away at camp. Instead they will be haunted by the images of him touching them in places they should never have been touched and the extremely mixed feelings of fear and happiness when taking part in those summer camp activities. I imagine that not every memory for the men about Sandusky are sexual which only makes the whole situation even more confusing for the young boys inside each of the survivors.
For some unknown reason to myself I compare the evil in Sandusky to the evil in my own abuser. The person who hurt me is not facing punishment for what he did and instead lives a wonderful life with my mother by his side. Yet the monster in each of them is the same: blind, evil desires to pleasure the flesh without regard to the harm they inflict upon others. They liked what they did. They enjoyed the moments they spent with young people in their beds. Whatever concern they had for the law and right vs wrong was not enough to keep them from giving into their desires and enjoying every single touch, every hug, every time they were around this young souls. The evilness inside of these men controlled their every move and every word.
My heart breaks for the Overcomers of Sandusky's actions. The court uses the word victim, counselors use the word survivor, I use the word Overcomer because there is so much more to breaking free from the horribleness of this type of abuse than just surviving. Many people stay locked up in the silent suffering but the few brave souls who testified against the evil done to them are on their way to overcoming the overwhelming darkness that haunts them and breaking free from the chains Sandusky has attempted to keep them locked into.
I wonder about all the other survivors of this man's actions and how they are doing with everything. They may not have had the strength to speak the words but the memories will continue to haunt them and Sandusky's words were meant for them as well. It was his last attempt to keep them quiet and to keep his control over them. I pray that these men are able to tell someone they trust and begin to move into Overcomer status.
The evilness in this world is beyond my understanding. I'll never understand why the families of men who do such horrible acts can stand by them and support them in their lies and deception. I'll never understand how you can give in to the evil inside yourself to commit such disgusting acts upon an innocent child. And I'll never comprehend the emotions, thoughts and actions of those who abuse children. My own experience has made me unable to believe anyone who would call the victim of their actions a liar or place blame on their victims all to avoid feeling the guilt of what they have done.
As I keep seeing more and more articles come out about the Sandusky trial and his words to the court, I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want him and my abuser to truly see the damage they have caused and to repent for what they have done, to ask forgiveness, to own up to their actions and stop behaving like little boys who got caught sneaking candy they shouldn't have. But that will never happen because of the evilness that resides in their souls keeping them trapped in their darkness of lies and deception that all is good in their world and that they are innocent in all that has been said against them.
After reading this article about Jerry Sandusky's last days before being sentenced to spend the rest of his life in prison, I can't help but fear this is how my abuse thinks.
The author of the article makes this comment regarding the "speech" Sandusky gave before the court at his sentencing: "He wanted them to know: They'll remain his. Forever. That part of Touchdown Jerry, clad in red, remains safe and secure"
I wanted to scream because I felt it to be all too true. Even though he is behind bars and cannot physically hurt these men again, he will go with them into every day of their lives. The evil in this man doesn't allow him to see his actions for what they truly were. And he taunts his victims by telling the court how he will treasure the memories he has.
Unfortunately, the men he hurt will face their own memories and they will not be filled with happy feelings of those days by the pool and the nights away at camp. Instead they will be haunted by the images of him touching them in places they should never have been touched and the extremely mixed feelings of fear and happiness when taking part in those summer camp activities. I imagine that not every memory for the men about Sandusky are sexual which only makes the whole situation even more confusing for the young boys inside each of the survivors.
For some unknown reason to myself I compare the evil in Sandusky to the evil in my own abuser. The person who hurt me is not facing punishment for what he did and instead lives a wonderful life with my mother by his side. Yet the monster in each of them is the same: blind, evil desires to pleasure the flesh without regard to the harm they inflict upon others. They liked what they did. They enjoyed the moments they spent with young people in their beds. Whatever concern they had for the law and right vs wrong was not enough to keep them from giving into their desires and enjoying every single touch, every hug, every time they were around this young souls. The evilness inside of these men controlled their every move and every word.
My heart breaks for the Overcomers of Sandusky's actions. The court uses the word victim, counselors use the word survivor, I use the word Overcomer because there is so much more to breaking free from the horribleness of this type of abuse than just surviving. Many people stay locked up in the silent suffering but the few brave souls who testified against the evil done to them are on their way to overcoming the overwhelming darkness that haunts them and breaking free from the chains Sandusky has attempted to keep them locked into.
I wonder about all the other survivors of this man's actions and how they are doing with everything. They may not have had the strength to speak the words but the memories will continue to haunt them and Sandusky's words were meant for them as well. It was his last attempt to keep them quiet and to keep his control over them. I pray that these men are able to tell someone they trust and begin to move into Overcomer status.
The evilness in this world is beyond my understanding. I'll never understand why the families of men who do such horrible acts can stand by them and support them in their lies and deception. I'll never understand how you can give in to the evil inside yourself to commit such disgusting acts upon an innocent child. And I'll never comprehend the emotions, thoughts and actions of those who abuse children. My own experience has made me unable to believe anyone who would call the victim of their actions a liar or place blame on their victims all to avoid feeling the guilt of what they have done.
As I keep seeing more and more articles come out about the Sandusky trial and his words to the court, I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want him and my abuser to truly see the damage they have caused and to repent for what they have done, to ask forgiveness, to own up to their actions and stop behaving like little boys who got caught sneaking candy they shouldn't have. But that will never happen because of the evilness that resides in their souls keeping them trapped in their darkness of lies and deception that all is good in their world and that they are innocent in all that has been said against them.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Movies on Constant Replay
I can't sleep. My mind has been reeling with memories and images all day long. I tried to get them out and yet I just can't shake them. I can't seem to stop thinking about what has gotten me to this point in my life and where exactly I'm going with it. I can't help but feel like my life has been rerouted from its original plan because of something evil that happened to me when my journey was just beginning. My mind is filled with the possibilities of "what if" and I'm overwhelmed with the fact that is "was not."
All the movies that are on constant replay in my mind drive me insane sometimes. Often times I find myself free to be happy for split instances and then all the sudden images comes flooding back and I'm challenged with the thought that true happiness and fulfillment may never be possible. And that ache from the center of my soul rears its ugly little head and I find myself trying to escape it's death grip on my life.
The pain I feel is so intense and so real that I'll never fully understand its depths. I don't think my human brain is capable of understanding the immense aftermath of the "traumatic event" I survived during those years I lived at home. My therapist switched positions and I haven't been seeing her very often. We tried figuring out if my insurance would cover her and then I got this denial letter stating that even though my diagnosis of "PTSD" is a factor they would not approve continued care. I've tried these last few sessions to just stop seeing her but she won't let me. She doesn't think it would be a good idea. Interesting because I feel like we barely talk about anything important in my healing process anymore just because of the span of time between sessions.
With the realization that I am clinically diagnosed with PTSD is overwhelming to that ache in my center. It's like I'm learning for the first time that maybe this really will never go away. I spend pretty much every waking hour trying to escape and yet the reality is that I never will. And now here I sit unable to escape the reality of my current situation. I know my life isn't bad when I compare it do other lives but this is so not the way I imaged my life going when I was a little girl.
I talked with my dad and grandpa today because I'm going to visit them in a few weeks. I asked about getting together with some of the other family members. He told me all about how they don't talk to him since my grandma died and that it most likely stems from him owing them a few hundred dollars. I wanted to scream and send them the money so that they would talk to him again. I hate that they don't talk to him. I hate that I can't talk to my own family. I hate that my niece's birthday is next week and I can't see her. I hate that I'm stuck on the outside. I hate that it seems lives are moving on all around me and yet I'm stuck, just living my life, unable to really do anything worth anything. Again, my darkness grows a big larger in the pit of my center and I'm challenged with the thought that I could ever do anything worth anything after all I'm just damaged goods.
All these thoughts that stem from these images in my mind are so overwhelming. I try to fight them and I try to escape them. Somehow they always find their way back and when they find me they keep me up causing much anxiety and many tears. My reality is confusing for me. I know I have people who love me deeply and yet I'm not really sure I know what that means. Loving someone was once described to me as meaning that you would cry at their funeral. I'm pretty sure there are many people in my life I would cry for if they died but for some reason I'm unable to believe that anyone would cry for mine. Of course these thoughts just stem from this whole PTSD thing and the pain that rises from within my dark center.
Now that I've written and gotten some of it, I suppose I should try to close my eyes but the fear of knowing what lies in my mind will probably continue to keep me awake (which stinks because I have an early morning and a long day ahead). Oh well. I guess it'll always be this way at least that's what my "diagnosis" tells me...
All the movies that are on constant replay in my mind drive me insane sometimes. Often times I find myself free to be happy for split instances and then all the sudden images comes flooding back and I'm challenged with the thought that true happiness and fulfillment may never be possible. And that ache from the center of my soul rears its ugly little head and I find myself trying to escape it's death grip on my life.
The pain I feel is so intense and so real that I'll never fully understand its depths. I don't think my human brain is capable of understanding the immense aftermath of the "traumatic event" I survived during those years I lived at home. My therapist switched positions and I haven't been seeing her very often. We tried figuring out if my insurance would cover her and then I got this denial letter stating that even though my diagnosis of "PTSD" is a factor they would not approve continued care. I've tried these last few sessions to just stop seeing her but she won't let me. She doesn't think it would be a good idea. Interesting because I feel like we barely talk about anything important in my healing process anymore just because of the span of time between sessions.
With the realization that I am clinically diagnosed with PTSD is overwhelming to that ache in my center. It's like I'm learning for the first time that maybe this really will never go away. I spend pretty much every waking hour trying to escape and yet the reality is that I never will. And now here I sit unable to escape the reality of my current situation. I know my life isn't bad when I compare it do other lives but this is so not the way I imaged my life going when I was a little girl.
I talked with my dad and grandpa today because I'm going to visit them in a few weeks. I asked about getting together with some of the other family members. He told me all about how they don't talk to him since my grandma died and that it most likely stems from him owing them a few hundred dollars. I wanted to scream and send them the money so that they would talk to him again. I hate that they don't talk to him. I hate that I can't talk to my own family. I hate that my niece's birthday is next week and I can't see her. I hate that I'm stuck on the outside. I hate that it seems lives are moving on all around me and yet I'm stuck, just living my life, unable to really do anything worth anything. Again, my darkness grows a big larger in the pit of my center and I'm challenged with the thought that I could ever do anything worth anything after all I'm just damaged goods.
All these thoughts that stem from these images in my mind are so overwhelming. I try to fight them and I try to escape them. Somehow they always find their way back and when they find me they keep me up causing much anxiety and many tears. My reality is confusing for me. I know I have people who love me deeply and yet I'm not really sure I know what that means. Loving someone was once described to me as meaning that you would cry at their funeral. I'm pretty sure there are many people in my life I would cry for if they died but for some reason I'm unable to believe that anyone would cry for mine. Of course these thoughts just stem from this whole PTSD thing and the pain that rises from within my dark center.
Now that I've written and gotten some of it, I suppose I should try to close my eyes but the fear of knowing what lies in my mind will probably continue to keep me awake (which stinks because I have an early morning and a long day ahead). Oh well. I guess it'll always be this way at least that's what my "diagnosis" tells me...
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
I Will Not Be Silenced
Last night after having a fairly nice day I was shocked by something that happened. As my friend and I walked from the library back to the car after our classes were over we were talking about nothing real important. Just having friendly conversation and talking about how we wish there was a coffee place open on that side of town. Then a voice comes from behind us (apparently a class had gotten out and they were all headed back to their cars in silence) and asks in a rather rude and sarcastic tone, "Can you talk any louder?"
I replied with "why yes I can. thank you....at least we're outside."
She got all huffy puffy and walked past us as the rest of her class followed behind in silence most looking at their phones. And I spent the next 10 minute drive back to my friend's house complaining, rather loudly, about how rude this girl was and wondering why she felt my conversation with my friend had any impact on her whatsoever. She was also following incredibly close to us.
10 minutes of my life was way too much time worrying about this girl. Why she felt the need to silence me when I was having a light hearted conversation with my friend is beyond me. And it got me thinking and then this girl became a teaching from my awesome God.
You see, I spent a lot of my years growing up silent. I was under the impression that what I had to say was stupid and not important. And when I finally spoke the truth about my life the people who should have believed did not thus nailing home the fact that my voice was unimportant and my life didn't matter. The enemy of my soul whispered this fact into my ear for many, many years and I began to believe it at a very young age. But through the hard work of learning to take my thoughts captive and replace them with God's truth I have learned that my voice is just as important as anyone else's voice.
It was as if the devil used this girl to try and get to me again, to silence me, to make me feel bad about speaking. The devil doesn't want me speaking, he doesn't want me typing and he definitely doesn't me thinking I have something to say or type. You see, I have a testimony of how God's heart broke for me as a child being forgotten, unloved and abused. My testimony includes the love God had for me when I was stuck in depression and incredibly suicidal. And I have a story that tells of how God reached into my depths and taught me how to live close to His heart and in His truth! The enemy of my soul doesn't like that this is my story because he wanted to keep me in depression and he wanted me to succeed in taking my own life. This demon is after my soul and he will use strangers like this girl to trick me back into his hands. Only, he doesn't succeed.
Perhaps this girl was having a rough day. Maybe she was frustrated with her class. Maybe a loved one has recently passed away and she's struggling to understand. Perhaps she was incredibly focused on whatever she was looking at on her phone and my voice was distracting her. Obviously she has a lot of growing up to do because she could have just asked me nicely to keep it down while we walked but she used a very childish and immature tone. I'm not sure what was going on in her heart and her life at that moment but I'm sure it had nothing to do with the volume of my voice (and ya'll that know me, know that I've got a loud voice that carries a little too well, but that'll come in handy when I'm a teacher). I prayed for her and then went back and enjoyed the night with my friend, watching the premier of a television show and went home and didn't think of her again until I started writing this. I hope today is better for her.
Oh the things I learn from an obvious attack of the enemy. It wasn't the girl, it was satan trying to find a way back into my heart. But the problem with that is I've got God on my side and He likes to show up and fight for and with me when stuff like that happens. For I am the daughter of the Most High King and my voice matters in this world and I will not be silenced!
I replied with "why yes I can. thank you....at least we're outside."
She got all huffy puffy and walked past us as the rest of her class followed behind in silence most looking at their phones. And I spent the next 10 minute drive back to my friend's house complaining, rather loudly, about how rude this girl was and wondering why she felt my conversation with my friend had any impact on her whatsoever. She was also following incredibly close to us.
10 minutes of my life was way too much time worrying about this girl. Why she felt the need to silence me when I was having a light hearted conversation with my friend is beyond me. And it got me thinking and then this girl became a teaching from my awesome God.
You see, I spent a lot of my years growing up silent. I was under the impression that what I had to say was stupid and not important. And when I finally spoke the truth about my life the people who should have believed did not thus nailing home the fact that my voice was unimportant and my life didn't matter. The enemy of my soul whispered this fact into my ear for many, many years and I began to believe it at a very young age. But through the hard work of learning to take my thoughts captive and replace them with God's truth I have learned that my voice is just as important as anyone else's voice.
It was as if the devil used this girl to try and get to me again, to silence me, to make me feel bad about speaking. The devil doesn't want me speaking, he doesn't want me typing and he definitely doesn't me thinking I have something to say or type. You see, I have a testimony of how God's heart broke for me as a child being forgotten, unloved and abused. My testimony includes the love God had for me when I was stuck in depression and incredibly suicidal. And I have a story that tells of how God reached into my depths and taught me how to live close to His heart and in His truth! The enemy of my soul doesn't like that this is my story because he wanted to keep me in depression and he wanted me to succeed in taking my own life. This demon is after my soul and he will use strangers like this girl to trick me back into his hands. Only, he doesn't succeed.
Perhaps this girl was having a rough day. Maybe she was frustrated with her class. Maybe a loved one has recently passed away and she's struggling to understand. Perhaps she was incredibly focused on whatever she was looking at on her phone and my voice was distracting her. Obviously she has a lot of growing up to do because she could have just asked me nicely to keep it down while we walked but she used a very childish and immature tone. I'm not sure what was going on in her heart and her life at that moment but I'm sure it had nothing to do with the volume of my voice (and ya'll that know me, know that I've got a loud voice that carries a little too well, but that'll come in handy when I'm a teacher). I prayed for her and then went back and enjoyed the night with my friend, watching the premier of a television show and went home and didn't think of her again until I started writing this. I hope today is better for her.
Oh the things I learn from an obvious attack of the enemy. It wasn't the girl, it was satan trying to find a way back into my heart. But the problem with that is I've got God on my side and He likes to show up and fight for and with me when stuff like that happens. For I am the daughter of the Most High King and my voice matters in this world and I will not be silenced!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
They love him so much...
It's a punch to stomach every time. Every time a family member of mine shows their love for him. Every time they post about their dad. Every time they love him.
I can't help but be overwhelmed with the possibility that I'm lying. That the devil has caused me to be crazy and to remember things that aren't true. As soon as I read her post that showed her love and respect for this man I was immediately in pain. The physical pain that comes with them loving him knocks the wind out of me every time. And I start to question why?
Why am I here alone? Why does he get my family? Why do they love him so much? Why did they cast me aside so easily? Why do I think I can get over it? Why do continue to fight my reality? Why does he get to be happy and I have to be miserable? Why did he do this to me? Why don't they believe me? Why don't they love me like they love him? Why am I stuck in this place where people think I'm doing great but when my reality sets in I lose all my steam? Why??????
The "whys" overwhelm my senses. The questioning begins. I can't help but feel I'm completely to blame for my pain. I told my mother I couldn't have a relationship with her while she was still with him. I brought the hate my brother feels towards me upon myself. I put my sister in the the position of being my only family left. But I tried with my grandmother the only way I knew how and she ignored me while responding to my cousins. It's like they've all joined forces to love him and hate me.
They physical pain that comes with my reality is often times too much to bear. I'm not sure how I get through it now but somehow I pray that the thoughts in my head that lead to the sharp objects go away. Those voices that tell me how I'll fee better after seeing the red scream in my ear begging me to give in. Are any of my long sleeve shirts clean? Where could you do it?
A whole new set of "whys" enter my mind. Why do they have so much power over me? Why does it hurt so much? Why can't I be free of them? Why does he still control me? Why can't I just enjoy my life here without thinking of them over there? Why am I still so easily hurt by their darkness? Why do I still feel like a victim when it comes to them, to him?
I don't know how I survive the pain any more. It's definitely not on my own strength. The wound in my soul has been ripped open today and it will take a few days to mend again. My broken heart needs the Healer. It wasn't an attack on me by my sister but it was an attack. Who am I to think I could be free of him? Of them?
Shepherd, guide me. Show me the meaning in all of this. Teach me how to break free. Heal this pain that reaches into my inmost depths. Be with me.
I can't help but be overwhelmed with the possibility that I'm lying. That the devil has caused me to be crazy and to remember things that aren't true. As soon as I read her post that showed her love and respect for this man I was immediately in pain. The physical pain that comes with them loving him knocks the wind out of me every time. And I start to question why?
Why am I here alone? Why does he get my family? Why do they love him so much? Why did they cast me aside so easily? Why do I think I can get over it? Why do continue to fight my reality? Why does he get to be happy and I have to be miserable? Why did he do this to me? Why don't they believe me? Why don't they love me like they love him? Why am I stuck in this place where people think I'm doing great but when my reality sets in I lose all my steam? Why??????
The "whys" overwhelm my senses. The questioning begins. I can't help but feel I'm completely to blame for my pain. I told my mother I couldn't have a relationship with her while she was still with him. I brought the hate my brother feels towards me upon myself. I put my sister in the the position of being my only family left. But I tried with my grandmother the only way I knew how and she ignored me while responding to my cousins. It's like they've all joined forces to love him and hate me.
They physical pain that comes with my reality is often times too much to bear. I'm not sure how I get through it now but somehow I pray that the thoughts in my head that lead to the sharp objects go away. Those voices that tell me how I'll fee better after seeing the red scream in my ear begging me to give in. Are any of my long sleeve shirts clean? Where could you do it?
A whole new set of "whys" enter my mind. Why do they have so much power over me? Why does it hurt so much? Why can't I be free of them? Why does he still control me? Why can't I just enjoy my life here without thinking of them over there? Why am I still so easily hurt by their darkness? Why do I still feel like a victim when it comes to them, to him?
I don't know how I survive the pain any more. It's definitely not on my own strength. The wound in my soul has been ripped open today and it will take a few days to mend again. My broken heart needs the Healer. It wasn't an attack on me by my sister but it was an attack. Who am I to think I could be free of him? Of them?
Shepherd, guide me. Show me the meaning in all of this. Teach me how to break free. Heal this pain that reaches into my inmost depths. Be with me.
Friday, August 17, 2012
And Girl and Her Sparkling Diamonds
As I laid back on those cement staircase that led to the second floor of the apartment complex I gazed, completely lost, at the sparkling diamonds in the night sky. My 11 year old heart yearning for answers and hope. I would sneak out of the apartment, leaving all the drama inside, and sit on those steps for what seemed an eternity. It was peaceful there, under the beautifully diamond decorated ceiling. No one was yelling at me for something I had done or didn't do. No one was touching me in places a girl of my age shouldn't be touched. And nothing was wrong in my life under that sky.
I saw shapes in the stars high above my world. And though I didn't know God very well, I felt Him under that sky. Who would think that you could see the stars in a big city in California? But God gave me the ability to see how much He cared for those diamonds in the sky. He placed our apartment in the back, away from the busy city streets with all their lights. I was able to sit on those cement steps and wish with all my heart that no one would notice I was outside and call me in.
Underneath those twinkling stars my little part of the world was safe and I knew God was with me on those steps. He whispered to my soul when I would visit Him there. He gave me strength to continue until our next meeting on the outside steps. He promised me everything would be okay and that things would get better. My little 11 year old soul knew that under the stars that sing God's praise she would be loved in a way she never knew was possible. The night sky became my refuge after the horribleness of my daylight hours.
Now, when I walk outside at night and am blessed with a clear sky and lots of sparkling diamonds, I know I am cared for and loved in a way that no one else can really show me. I dove into astronomy for a while because I was fascinated with the science behind these unbelievable creations. I even took a course at the planetarium one summer - escaping from my home life into God's world.
What I love about being a grown up now is that whenever that little girl is feeling the pain, I just look up into the diamond sky and feel the presence of God and I am filled with the hope and wonderment that she felt all those years and miles ago. I am grateful for the dark canvas that God painted with sparkling diamonds just for me (and maybe you too)!
I saw shapes in the stars high above my world. And though I didn't know God very well, I felt Him under that sky. Who would think that you could see the stars in a big city in California? But God gave me the ability to see how much He cared for those diamonds in the sky. He placed our apartment in the back, away from the busy city streets with all their lights. I was able to sit on those cement steps and wish with all my heart that no one would notice I was outside and call me in.
Underneath those twinkling stars my little part of the world was safe and I knew God was with me on those steps. He whispered to my soul when I would visit Him there. He gave me strength to continue until our next meeting on the outside steps. He promised me everything would be okay and that things would get better. My little 11 year old soul knew that under the stars that sing God's praise she would be loved in a way she never knew was possible. The night sky became my refuge after the horribleness of my daylight hours.
Now, when I walk outside at night and am blessed with a clear sky and lots of sparkling diamonds, I know I am cared for and loved in a way that no one else can really show me. I dove into astronomy for a while because I was fascinated with the science behind these unbelievable creations. I even took a course at the planetarium one summer - escaping from my home life into God's world.
What I love about being a grown up now is that whenever that little girl is feeling the pain, I just look up into the diamond sky and feel the presence of God and I am filled with the hope and wonderment that she felt all those years and miles ago. I am grateful for the dark canvas that God painted with sparkling diamonds just for me (and maybe you too)!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Sitting with "Why?"
Tonight I'm asking "why?"
I know it's not the best thing to focus on but yet here I am wondering why.
Why am I here in this city? Why did my mom choose him?
Why does my brother hate me? Why is he my villian and my sister's hero?
Why did I get booted out of my family?
Why do people treat me like a broken little girl?
Why does my abuser get to strive and I have to struggle?
Why was I not liked by other kids? Why do my high school "friends" ignore me?
Why did he seek me out? Why did he choose my family?
Why did my family choose him? Why did I end up homeless at 18?
Why did I have to miss out on my senior year?
Why did I not fully embrace the options offered to me by my high school?
Why did I not finish college? Why did I get kicked out of college?
Why is it so hard to heal? Why do they have so much control over me?
Why am I here? Why am I so alone when I have such great friends and people in my life?
Why do people try and tell me what to do when I hate being treated like a child?
Why do certain persons who have not earned my trust try to act like a mother to me when I don't have or need a mother?
Why are my teeth so messed up? Why can't I find a new job?
Why did he do what he did? Why did find me?
Why didn't my family save me? Why didn't they stick up for me?
Why am I here?
Why? Why? Why?
I know that asking "why?" isn't the best thing to focus on. Yet here I am wondering why.
I'm sitting here with my questions. Crying them out to God. I know I shouldn't focus on this and that the answer will probably never come. God works everything out for the good of those who love Him right? So there have to be answers as to why what has happened has happened. I don't these answers and I don't think I ever will here on earth. The workings of God are way beyond my ability to understand and I am fully aware that I have NO idea what He can do with my life and my story. But nonetheless, I sit here with my questions and my tears and I bring my whole self to God and ask Him to hear my questions and to comfort me in the pain they cause. These are the questions I carry around with me all day long. As as the day progresses I get sick to my stomach because of all stress and pain being held there. I have no way to make it go away. I have no answers to my questions. All I'm doing is sitting because the one person I want to hold me while I cry out the pain is the mother that chose to love the cause of my most severe pain and leave me out to try and survive on my own. So through Christ I overcome but for now I sit, crying myself to sleep, aware of all the questions that burden my soul on a moment by moment basis.
I know it's not the best thing to focus on but yet here I am wondering why.
Why am I here in this city? Why did my mom choose him?
Why does my brother hate me? Why is he my villian and my sister's hero?
Why did I get booted out of my family?
Why do people treat me like a broken little girl?
Why does my abuser get to strive and I have to struggle?
Why was I not liked by other kids? Why do my high school "friends" ignore me?
Why did he seek me out? Why did he choose my family?
Why did my family choose him? Why did I end up homeless at 18?
Why did I have to miss out on my senior year?
Why did I not fully embrace the options offered to me by my high school?
Why did I not finish college? Why did I get kicked out of college?
Why is it so hard to heal? Why do they have so much control over me?
Why am I here? Why am I so alone when I have such great friends and people in my life?
Why do people try and tell me what to do when I hate being treated like a child?
Why do certain persons who have not earned my trust try to act like a mother to me when I don't have or need a mother?
Why are my teeth so messed up? Why can't I find a new job?
Why did he do what he did? Why did find me?
Why didn't my family save me? Why didn't they stick up for me?
Why am I here?
Why? Why? Why?
I know that asking "why?" isn't the best thing to focus on. Yet here I am wondering why.
I'm sitting here with my questions. Crying them out to God. I know I shouldn't focus on this and that the answer will probably never come. God works everything out for the good of those who love Him right? So there have to be answers as to why what has happened has happened. I don't these answers and I don't think I ever will here on earth. The workings of God are way beyond my ability to understand and I am fully aware that I have NO idea what He can do with my life and my story. But nonetheless, I sit here with my questions and my tears and I bring my whole self to God and ask Him to hear my questions and to comfort me in the pain they cause. These are the questions I carry around with me all day long. As as the day progresses I get sick to my stomach because of all stress and pain being held there. I have no way to make it go away. I have no answers to my questions. All I'm doing is sitting because the one person I want to hold me while I cry out the pain is the mother that chose to love the cause of my most severe pain and leave me out to try and survive on my own. So through Christ I overcome but for now I sit, crying myself to sleep, aware of all the questions that burden my soul on a moment by moment basis.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Tarnished Favorites
I spent the past hour deciding on a new facebook cover which was really just a procrastination of what I know I need to write here. I also needed to decide if I wanted to share what I'm about to share here or on my blog that I keep secret from the people who know me in real life. I decided that sometimes things just need to be said and sometimes the words I write speak to other people in their situations so I'm going to go ahead and share it here....
I love the pool. I've always loved the pool. I am free in the pool. All my troubles in life seem to disappear when I'm swimming laps, gliding through the water or just floating on the top of it. Being in the pool makes me feel home. My size doesn't matter. My hair doesn't matter. I move through the water with ease and all the junk in the world outside of the pool doesn't hold me back, bear me down or keep me prisoner. In the pool I am free. I've always been free. I don't remember a time where I didn't know how to swim and swim well. As a kid I was on a swim team on season and did well. We had a pool where we lived and the imagination that comes alive under water is mesmerizing. Freedom is what I find in the water.
But there's a dark side to the water too. Like everything I tend to enjoy life, a darkness creeps on the edge of my happiness just waiting for the right moment to strike. It's normally when I am most free from everything going on and genuinely enjoying the moment for what it is. This darkness is powerful and has been haunting for more than half my life. It waits eagerly for it's chance to suffocate me with its bare hands.
When I was eleven we lived in an apartment complex in California with a pool. I only remember two times we went swimming though I'm sure it was a lot more than that. Both times there were a lot of people around. My family. One time was for my sister's birthday and the other time was when my step siblings were visiting us. Each time my step father was there in all his powerful evilness. I remember swimming and him calling me over to him. The first time he just moved my suit out of the way and touched me in a place where little girls should never be touched by their stepfathers. The second time he had me against the wall and made me wrap my legs around him. Again, feeling things in places I had no business feeling. All the while my family, my mother, the people who were supposed to protect me lived their lives without noticing the darkness that was gaining control of my life. He made it look to them like we were having healthy, normal father-daughter play in the pool but the reality was he was tarnishing the one escape I had from all the other evils in the world.
Now, I try and get people to come with me to the pool so that I am not overwhelmed by the images that play in my head and the darkness doesn't overtake me. I am grateful for the voice of God that speaks to me when I'm alone in the pool, reminding me that I am safe and that swimming should bring me joy and the darkness can't take it away anymore.
But as I swam in the water tonight those movies that are on constant repeat haunted my every move. The pain that comes from my soul, from my very center is so real sometimes. The images are so vivid. The darkness waits for times like that and it makes its attempt to overtake me again. To get me to believe how it's all my fault, that I caused all the pain I feel and that my life is not enjoyable. The darkness hurls its twisted logic my way and this is when I'm grateful that I no longer fight these battles on my own.
You see, when my human memories are too much to bear and the darkness tries to find its way back into my heart, my God comes to my rescue. His Truth comes from within me and fights off the attack. He reminds me that my life has purpose and that even though my family didn't protect me, He's doing a pretty good job. He reminds me that He brought me to this place where I never thought I'd be. I have friends who love me, trust me and encourage me. Everyone has pain and I am just lucky enough to have partnered with the One True Healer who has bound my every wound and when a stitch comes undone, He's right there to repair it.
The movies that play in my head tarnish everything. Since my stepfather was in every part of my life, controlled every part of my life, and did things in every place, he has tarnished my ability to go a day without thinking of him. He has allowed the darkness to follow me into every situation, just waiting for something to trigger a memory, a crack in my defense. But there is a God who fills in the cracks and comes to my side to fight the battle with me. He doesn't take the pain away, but He comforts me when it is too much to bear alone. And with Him by my side and in my heart I am more than able to enjoy the things that my stepfather has tarnished on most occasions. Without nights like tonight though, I think its possible I would forget how much I need God in my every day moments, just to make it through people drinking coffee around me and eating ramen noodles on a budget. I'm thankful for my war partner!
I love the pool. I've always loved the pool. I am free in the pool. All my troubles in life seem to disappear when I'm swimming laps, gliding through the water or just floating on the top of it. Being in the pool makes me feel home. My size doesn't matter. My hair doesn't matter. I move through the water with ease and all the junk in the world outside of the pool doesn't hold me back, bear me down or keep me prisoner. In the pool I am free. I've always been free. I don't remember a time where I didn't know how to swim and swim well. As a kid I was on a swim team on season and did well. We had a pool where we lived and the imagination that comes alive under water is mesmerizing. Freedom is what I find in the water.
But there's a dark side to the water too. Like everything I tend to enjoy life, a darkness creeps on the edge of my happiness just waiting for the right moment to strike. It's normally when I am most free from everything going on and genuinely enjoying the moment for what it is. This darkness is powerful and has been haunting for more than half my life. It waits eagerly for it's chance to suffocate me with its bare hands.
When I was eleven we lived in an apartment complex in California with a pool. I only remember two times we went swimming though I'm sure it was a lot more than that. Both times there were a lot of people around. My family. One time was for my sister's birthday and the other time was when my step siblings were visiting us. Each time my step father was there in all his powerful evilness. I remember swimming and him calling me over to him. The first time he just moved my suit out of the way and touched me in a place where little girls should never be touched by their stepfathers. The second time he had me against the wall and made me wrap my legs around him. Again, feeling things in places I had no business feeling. All the while my family, my mother, the people who were supposed to protect me lived their lives without noticing the darkness that was gaining control of my life. He made it look to them like we were having healthy, normal father-daughter play in the pool but the reality was he was tarnishing the one escape I had from all the other evils in the world.
Now, I try and get people to come with me to the pool so that I am not overwhelmed by the images that play in my head and the darkness doesn't overtake me. I am grateful for the voice of God that speaks to me when I'm alone in the pool, reminding me that I am safe and that swimming should bring me joy and the darkness can't take it away anymore.
But as I swam in the water tonight those movies that are on constant repeat haunted my every move. The pain that comes from my soul, from my very center is so real sometimes. The images are so vivid. The darkness waits for times like that and it makes its attempt to overtake me again. To get me to believe how it's all my fault, that I caused all the pain I feel and that my life is not enjoyable. The darkness hurls its twisted logic my way and this is when I'm grateful that I no longer fight these battles on my own.
You see, when my human memories are too much to bear and the darkness tries to find its way back into my heart, my God comes to my rescue. His Truth comes from within me and fights off the attack. He reminds me that my life has purpose and that even though my family didn't protect me, He's doing a pretty good job. He reminds me that He brought me to this place where I never thought I'd be. I have friends who love me, trust me and encourage me. Everyone has pain and I am just lucky enough to have partnered with the One True Healer who has bound my every wound and when a stitch comes undone, He's right there to repair it.
The movies that play in my head tarnish everything. Since my stepfather was in every part of my life, controlled every part of my life, and did things in every place, he has tarnished my ability to go a day without thinking of him. He has allowed the darkness to follow me into every situation, just waiting for something to trigger a memory, a crack in my defense. But there is a God who fills in the cracks and comes to my side to fight the battle with me. He doesn't take the pain away, but He comforts me when it is too much to bear alone. And with Him by my side and in my heart I am more than able to enjoy the things that my stepfather has tarnished on most occasions. Without nights like tonight though, I think its possible I would forget how much I need God in my every day moments, just to make it through people drinking coffee around me and eating ramen noodles on a budget. I'm thankful for my war partner!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Holiday Reflecting....
July 4th. The day America celebrates independence and freedom and the men and women who fight to give us these rights. A holiday for gathering together with friends and family, cooking out and enjoying the company of your loved one.
I've been having mixed feelings all day. Those emotions that tell me how much I miss my family and how I'm sad I cannot be around them for yet another holiday - they are strong. Throughout the day all I can think of is my family and since I spent Monday night sharing my story in a psychology class the wounds are at the surface - makes it just a little bit harder to accept the fact that I am spending another holiday without them. And I cried out to God about how I couldn't spend another holiday alone. No matter how many people invite me over to their homes to be around their families the pain and reality that I am without a family of my own is ever present.
But today I had a great day. I won a battle with my cell phone service provider and got a credit on my account. My friend and her two girls came over to swim and have lunch. Then we went grocery shopping together and I went over to their house to do laundry and have dinner. And we painted our nails and had a relaxing and fun day overall. Now I am home, sad that I wasn't able to tune into the NYC Macy's fireworks but happy that as I look out my window I have perfect view of some fireworks. And I'm reminded of my first 4th of July here in my new home community.
Every year around this time the hot air balloons and fast planes come into town and make lots of noise. I remember standing at my bedroom window wondering what was going on because I had no clue it was an annual thing. I remember watching the world celebrate the day from my bedroom. It had only been a few months since my last suicide attempt and probably only a few hours since my last cut. I desperately wanted my mom to be with me, to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. I wasn't sure how I ended up in this apartment, in this city, in this state. Everything was happening so fast and all I wanted was an escape.
It amazes me just how far I have come in the six years since that time. The overwhelming urge to die and the overpowering darkness in which I was held captive controlled my every thought, feeling and action. I didn't understand how my life had become what it was. I had no friends, no family, no body. I was all alone in that world. And I thought it was all my fault, everything was always my fault. Today is 180 degrees different from that time. Yes, it sucks that I can't be around family and that I don't feel comfortable around most people for any holiday but I am much better at living through the things that suck.
I am no longer living in darkness and depression. I am growing, continuously transforming from the inside out. God heard my cry not for death but for life. He put it on my friend's heart to invite me to hang with her because she too had no plans for the day and we had a fantastic time. There was no rigid structure to our day and we just did what we wanted and some of what we needed. It felt more like any other day off from work and I loved it. Of course today there are fireworks outside which remarkably bring me some form of comfort (which is weird because I've never really been one to celebrate this holiday even when I lived with my family).
Guess what I'm trying to say is that I am grateful today for the transformation in my life that God has brought over these past six years and will continue to do for me all of my days on earth. Despite all the yuckiness of my life - there is so much good and I live in the good the best I can. And with the good comes independence from self-harm and freedom from darkness!
Happy 4th of July!
I've been having mixed feelings all day. Those emotions that tell me how much I miss my family and how I'm sad I cannot be around them for yet another holiday - they are strong. Throughout the day all I can think of is my family and since I spent Monday night sharing my story in a psychology class the wounds are at the surface - makes it just a little bit harder to accept the fact that I am spending another holiday without them. And I cried out to God about how I couldn't spend another holiday alone. No matter how many people invite me over to their homes to be around their families the pain and reality that I am without a family of my own is ever present.
But today I had a great day. I won a battle with my cell phone service provider and got a credit on my account. My friend and her two girls came over to swim and have lunch. Then we went grocery shopping together and I went over to their house to do laundry and have dinner. And we painted our nails and had a relaxing and fun day overall. Now I am home, sad that I wasn't able to tune into the NYC Macy's fireworks but happy that as I look out my window I have perfect view of some fireworks. And I'm reminded of my first 4th of July here in my new home community.
Every year around this time the hot air balloons and fast planes come into town and make lots of noise. I remember standing at my bedroom window wondering what was going on because I had no clue it was an annual thing. I remember watching the world celebrate the day from my bedroom. It had only been a few months since my last suicide attempt and probably only a few hours since my last cut. I desperately wanted my mom to be with me, to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. I wasn't sure how I ended up in this apartment, in this city, in this state. Everything was happening so fast and all I wanted was an escape.
It amazes me just how far I have come in the six years since that time. The overwhelming urge to die and the overpowering darkness in which I was held captive controlled my every thought, feeling and action. I didn't understand how my life had become what it was. I had no friends, no family, no body. I was all alone in that world. And I thought it was all my fault, everything was always my fault. Today is 180 degrees different from that time. Yes, it sucks that I can't be around family and that I don't feel comfortable around most people for any holiday but I am much better at living through the things that suck.
I am no longer living in darkness and depression. I am growing, continuously transforming from the inside out. God heard my cry not for death but for life. He put it on my friend's heart to invite me to hang with her because she too had no plans for the day and we had a fantastic time. There was no rigid structure to our day and we just did what we wanted and some of what we needed. It felt more like any other day off from work and I loved it. Of course today there are fireworks outside which remarkably bring me some form of comfort (which is weird because I've never really been one to celebrate this holiday even when I lived with my family).
Guess what I'm trying to say is that I am grateful today for the transformation in my life that God has brought over these past six years and will continue to do for me all of my days on earth. Despite all the yuckiness of my life - there is so much good and I live in the good the best I can. And with the good comes independence from self-harm and freedom from darkness!
Happy 4th of July!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Childlike Faith Taught By a Child
I was taught a very important lesson today. My teacher was a 4 year old boy. I refer to him as my nephew because his mom is one of my best friends and he is more to me than just the child of a friend. As I reflect on my day, I realize the few moments I spent with him today taught me so much. Today I looked at him as a leader - who woulda thunk it?
Let me explain a little more. I picked up one his younger sisters after work to have some girl time in the pool. She found a cat toy from a happy meal that I bought a long time ago. I let her keep it. We got back to her home and went inside to eat dinner. Their mom and I got to talking and the kids were playing around us. Their mom made a comment about how they pray every night for Jesus to give the girl courage to go to sleep without her pacifier. I said that was a great prayer. This is where my teacher came in.
Seeing the toy his sister had he was reminded that he also had one of those happy meal toys. His was a panda. He looked all over for his panda but could've find it. He asked his mom and she gave him a few ideas of where to look. But he couldn't find it. After hearing us talk about prayer, he put his hands together, bowed his head and prayed, "Dear God, please help me to find my panda. Amen." I told him that was a great prayer and I bet God is going to help him find it now. And as if God flipped a switch, his mom knew exactly where it was and they went to find it!
My little 4 year old nephew had such faith in God to help him find what was important at that moment. He really showed me what it meant to have the childlike faith. Those things which are important to us are important to God and He has created you so He knows the longings of your soul. To turn to God for what was important at that moment in time for my young nephew has connected the dots for me. Having faith in the big things is important. But having faith in the every moment, the here and now, the life I have right now...that's childlike. Knowing, without doubt, that God is able to help you find your panda, its childlike faith.
I like to think that I have faith in God. I know that He is who He says He is, but that's not the type of faith I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the knowing that it will work out for good, knowing that God's got your back no matter what the situation and believing with all your heart that God loves you, knows you, and cares for your heart. I'm not sure I have childlike faith in the every moment. Most days I'm questing God for the majority of the 24 hours. Wondering how it is I got where I'm at and why my family can't be my family and why I keep feeling this awful feelings. I doubt that I'll ever be at a point where I can belong to a family again. I doubt my own memories. And I often doubt that anything will change from my life right now.
But what my young nephew taught me today was that God is right there beside me. He is listening and He cares about what I'm doubting and what I'm questioning and what I'm longing for. He knows where my panda is and He is gently guiding my steps to discover it. How blessed am I to be taught such wonderful lessons from such a great kid!
Let me explain a little more. I picked up one his younger sisters after work to have some girl time in the pool. She found a cat toy from a happy meal that I bought a long time ago. I let her keep it. We got back to her home and went inside to eat dinner. Their mom and I got to talking and the kids were playing around us. Their mom made a comment about how they pray every night for Jesus to give the girl courage to go to sleep without her pacifier. I said that was a great prayer. This is where my teacher came in.
Seeing the toy his sister had he was reminded that he also had one of those happy meal toys. His was a panda. He looked all over for his panda but could've find it. He asked his mom and she gave him a few ideas of where to look. But he couldn't find it. After hearing us talk about prayer, he put his hands together, bowed his head and prayed, "Dear God, please help me to find my panda. Amen." I told him that was a great prayer and I bet God is going to help him find it now. And as if God flipped a switch, his mom knew exactly where it was and they went to find it!
My little 4 year old nephew had such faith in God to help him find what was important at that moment. He really showed me what it meant to have the childlike faith. Those things which are important to us are important to God and He has created you so He knows the longings of your soul. To turn to God for what was important at that moment in time for my young nephew has connected the dots for me. Having faith in the big things is important. But having faith in the every moment, the here and now, the life I have right now...that's childlike. Knowing, without doubt, that God is able to help you find your panda, its childlike faith.
I like to think that I have faith in God. I know that He is who He says He is, but that's not the type of faith I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the knowing that it will work out for good, knowing that God's got your back no matter what the situation and believing with all your heart that God loves you, knows you, and cares for your heart. I'm not sure I have childlike faith in the every moment. Most days I'm questing God for the majority of the 24 hours. Wondering how it is I got where I'm at and why my family can't be my family and why I keep feeling this awful feelings. I doubt that I'll ever be at a point where I can belong to a family again. I doubt my own memories. And I often doubt that anything will change from my life right now.
But what my young nephew taught me today was that God is right there beside me. He is listening and He cares about what I'm doubting and what I'm questioning and what I'm longing for. He knows where my panda is and He is gently guiding my steps to discover it. How blessed am I to be taught such wonderful lessons from such a great kid!
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