Sitting with "Why?"

Tonight I'm asking "why?"

I know it's not the best thing to focus on but yet here I am wondering why.
Why am I here in this city? Why did my mom choose him?
Why does my brother hate me? Why is he my villian and my sister's hero?
Why did I get booted out of my family?
Why do people treat me like a broken little girl?
Why does my abuser get to strive and I have to struggle?
Why was I not liked by other kids? Why do my high school "friends" ignore me?
Why did he seek me out? Why did he choose my family?
Why did my family choose him? Why did I end up homeless at 18?
Why did I have to miss out on my senior year?
Why did I not fully embrace the options offered to me by my high school?
Why did I not finish college? Why did I get kicked out of college?
Why is it so hard to heal? Why do they have so much control over me?
Why am I here? Why am I so alone when I have such great friends and people in my life?
Why do people try and tell me what to do when I hate being treated like a child?
Why do certain persons who have not earned my trust try to act like a mother to me when I don't have or need a mother?
Why are my teeth so messed up? Why can't I find a new job?
Why did he do what he did? Why did find me?
Why didn't my family save me? Why didn't they stick up for me?
Why am I here?
Why? Why? Why?

I know that asking "why?" isn't the best thing to focus on. Yet here I am wondering why.

I'm sitting here with my questions. Crying them out to God. I know I shouldn't focus on this and that the answer will probably never come. God works everything out for the good of those who love Him right? So there have to be answers as to why what has happened has happened. I don't these answers and I don't think I ever will here on earth. The workings of God are way beyond my ability to understand and I am fully aware that I have NO idea what He can do with my life and my story. But nonetheless, I sit here with my questions and my tears and I bring my whole self to God and ask Him to hear my questions and to comfort me in the pain they cause. These are the questions I carry around with me all day long. As as the day progresses I get sick to my stomach because of all stress and pain being held there. I have no way to make it go away. I have no answers to my questions. All I'm doing is sitting because the one person I want to hold me while I cry out the pain is the mother that chose to love the cause of my most severe pain and leave me out to try and survive on my own. So through Christ I overcome but for now I sit, crying myself to sleep, aware of all the questions that burden my soul on a moment by moment basis.