July 4th. The day America celebrates independence and freedom and the men and women who fight to give us these rights. A holiday for gathering together with friends and family, cooking out and enjoying the company of your loved one.
I've been having mixed feelings all day. Those emotions that tell me how much I miss my family and how I'm sad I cannot be around them for yet another holiday - they are strong. Throughout the day all I can think of is my family and since I spent Monday night sharing my story in a psychology class the wounds are at the surface - makes it just a little bit harder to accept the fact that I am spending another holiday without them. And I cried out to God about how I couldn't spend another holiday alone. No matter how many people invite me over to their homes to be around their families the pain and reality that I am without a family of my own is ever present.
But today I had a great day. I won a battle with my cell phone service provider and got a credit on my account. My friend and her two girls came over to swim and have lunch. Then we went grocery shopping together and I went over to their house to do laundry and have dinner. And we painted our nails and had a relaxing and fun day overall. Now I am home, sad that I wasn't able to tune into the NYC Macy's fireworks but happy that as I look out my window I have perfect view of some fireworks. And I'm reminded of my first 4th of July here in my new home community.
Every year around this time the hot air balloons and fast planes come into town and make lots of noise. I remember standing at my bedroom window wondering what was going on because I had no clue it was an annual thing. I remember watching the world celebrate the day from my bedroom. It had only been a few months since my last suicide attempt and probably only a few hours since my last cut. I desperately wanted my mom to be with me, to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. I wasn't sure how I ended up in this apartment, in this city, in this state. Everything was happening so fast and all I wanted was an escape.
It amazes me just how far I have come in the six years since that time. The overwhelming urge to die and the overpowering darkness in which I was held captive controlled my every thought, feeling and action. I didn't understand how my life had become what it was. I had no friends, no family, no body. I was all alone in that world. And I thought it was all my fault, everything was always my fault. Today is 180 degrees different from that time. Yes, it sucks that I can't be around family and that I don't feel comfortable around most people for any holiday but I am much better at living through the things that suck.
I am no longer living in darkness and depression. I am growing, continuously transforming from the inside out. God heard my cry not for death but for life. He put it on my friend's heart to invite me to hang with her because she too had no plans for the day and we had a fantastic time. There was no rigid structure to our day and we just did what we wanted and some of what we needed. It felt more like any other day off from work and I loved it. Of course today there are fireworks outside which remarkably bring me some form of comfort (which is weird because I've never really been one to celebrate this holiday even when I lived with my family).
Guess what I'm trying to say is that I am grateful today for the transformation in my life that God has brought over these past six years and will continue to do for me all of my days on earth. Despite all the yuckiness of my life - there is so much good and I live in the good the best I can. And with the good comes independence from self-harm and freedom from darkness!
Happy 4th of July!
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