It's a punch to stomach every time. Every time a family member of mine shows their love for him. Every time they post about their dad. Every time they love him.
I can't help but be overwhelmed with the possibility that I'm lying. That the devil has caused me to be crazy and to remember things that aren't true. As soon as I read her post that showed her love and respect for this man I was immediately in pain. The physical pain that comes with them loving him knocks the wind out of me every time. And I start to question why?
Why am I here alone? Why does he get my family? Why do they love him so much? Why did they cast me aside so easily? Why do I think I can get over it? Why do continue to fight my reality? Why does he get to be happy and I have to be miserable? Why did he do this to me? Why don't they believe me? Why don't they love me like they love him? Why am I stuck in this place where people think I'm doing great but when my reality sets in I lose all my steam? Why??????
The "whys" overwhelm my senses. The questioning begins. I can't help but feel I'm completely to blame for my pain. I told my mother I couldn't have a relationship with her while she was still with him. I brought the hate my brother feels towards me upon myself. I put my sister in the the position of being my only family left. But I tried with my grandmother the only way I knew how and she ignored me while responding to my cousins. It's like they've all joined forces to love him and hate me.
They physical pain that comes with my reality is often times too much to bear. I'm not sure how I get through it now but somehow I pray that the thoughts in my head that lead to the sharp objects go away. Those voices that tell me how I'll fee better after seeing the red scream in my ear begging me to give in. Are any of my long sleeve shirts clean? Where could you do it?
A whole new set of "whys" enter my mind. Why do they have so much power over me? Why does it hurt so much? Why can't I be free of them? Why does he still control me? Why can't I just enjoy my life here without thinking of them over there? Why am I still so easily hurt by their darkness? Why do I still feel like a victim when it comes to them, to him?
I don't know how I survive the pain any more. It's definitely not on my own strength. The wound in my soul has been ripped open today and it will take a few days to mend again. My broken heart needs the Healer. It wasn't an attack on me by my sister but it was an attack. Who am I to think I could be free of him? Of them?
Shepherd, guide me. Show me the meaning in all of this. Teach me how to break free. Heal this pain that reaches into my inmost depths. Be with me.
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