I can't sleep. My mind has been reeling with memories and images all day long. I tried to get them out and yet I just can't shake them. I can't seem to stop thinking about what has gotten me to this point in my life and where exactly I'm going with it. I can't help but feel like my life has been rerouted from its original plan because of something evil that happened to me when my journey was just beginning. My mind is filled with the possibilities of "what if" and I'm overwhelmed with the fact that is "was not."
All the movies that are on constant replay in my mind drive me insane sometimes. Often times I find myself free to be happy for split instances and then all the sudden images comes flooding back and I'm challenged with the thought that true happiness and fulfillment may never be possible. And that ache from the center of my soul rears its ugly little head and I find myself trying to escape it's death grip on my life.
The pain I feel is so intense and so real that I'll never fully understand its depths. I don't think my human brain is capable of understanding the immense aftermath of the "traumatic event" I survived during those years I lived at home. My therapist switched positions and I haven't been seeing her very often. We tried figuring out if my insurance would cover her and then I got this denial letter stating that even though my diagnosis of "PTSD" is a factor they would not approve continued care. I've tried these last few sessions to just stop seeing her but she won't let me. She doesn't think it would be a good idea. Interesting because I feel like we barely talk about anything important in my healing process anymore just because of the span of time between sessions.
With the realization that I am clinically diagnosed with PTSD is overwhelming to that ache in my center. It's like I'm learning for the first time that maybe this really will never go away. I spend pretty much every waking hour trying to escape and yet the reality is that I never will. And now here I sit unable to escape the reality of my current situation. I know my life isn't bad when I compare it do other lives but this is so not the way I imaged my life going when I was a little girl.
I talked with my dad and grandpa today because I'm going to visit them in a few weeks. I asked about getting together with some of the other family members. He told me all about how they don't talk to him since my grandma died and that it most likely stems from him owing them a few hundred dollars. I wanted to scream and send them the money so that they would talk to him again. I hate that they don't talk to him. I hate that I can't talk to my own family. I hate that my niece's birthday is next week and I can't see her. I hate that I'm stuck on the outside. I hate that it seems lives are moving on all around me and yet I'm stuck, just living my life, unable to really do anything worth anything. Again, my darkness grows a big larger in the pit of my center and I'm challenged with the thought that I could ever do anything worth anything after all I'm just damaged goods.
All these thoughts that stem from these images in my mind are so overwhelming. I try to fight them and I try to escape them. Somehow they always find their way back and when they find me they keep me up causing much anxiety and many tears. My reality is confusing for me. I know I have people who love me deeply and yet I'm not really sure I know what that means. Loving someone was once described to me as meaning that you would cry at their funeral. I'm pretty sure there are many people in my life I would cry for if they died but for some reason I'm unable to believe that anyone would cry for mine. Of course these thoughts just stem from this whole PTSD thing and the pain that rises from within my dark center.
Now that I've written and gotten some of it, I suppose I should try to close my eyes but the fear of knowing what lies in my mind will probably continue to keep me awake (which stinks because I have an early morning and a long day ahead). Oh well. I guess it'll always be this way at least that's what my "diagnosis" tells me...
No comments:
Post a Comment