And Girl and Her Sparkling Diamonds

As I laid back on those cement staircase that led to the second floor of the apartment complex I gazed, completely lost, at the sparkling diamonds in the night sky. My 11 year old heart yearning for answers and hope. I would sneak out of the apartment, leaving all the drama inside, and sit on those steps for what seemed an eternity. It was peaceful there, under the beautifully diamond decorated ceiling. No one was yelling at me for something I had done or didn't do. No one was touching me in places a girl of my age shouldn't be touched. And nothing was wrong in my life under that sky.

I saw shapes in the stars high above my world. And though I didn't know God very well, I felt Him under that sky. Who would think that you could see the stars in a big city in California? But God gave me the ability to see how much He cared for those diamonds in the sky. He placed our apartment in the back, away from the busy city streets with all their lights. I was able to sit on those cement steps and wish with all my heart that no one would notice I was outside and call me in.

Underneath those twinkling stars my little part of the world was safe and I knew God was with me on those steps. He whispered to my soul when I would visit Him there. He gave me strength to continue until our next meeting on the outside steps. He promised me everything would be okay and that things would get better. My little 11 year old soul knew that under the stars that sing God's praise she would be loved in a way she never knew was possible. The night sky became my refuge after the horribleness of my daylight hours.

Now, when I walk outside at night and am blessed with a clear sky and lots of sparkling diamonds, I know I am cared for and loved in a way that no one else can really show me. I dove into astronomy for a while because I was fascinated with the science behind these unbelievable creations. I even took a course at the planetarium one summer - escaping from my home life into God's world.

What I love about being a grown up now is that whenever that little girl is feeling the pain, I just look up into the diamond sky and feel the presence of God and I am filled with the hope and wonderment that she felt all those years and miles ago.  I am grateful for the dark canvas that God painted with sparkling diamonds just for me (and maybe you too)!

Sitting with "Why?"

Tonight I'm asking "why?"

I know it's not the best thing to focus on but yet here I am wondering why.
Why am I here in this city? Why did my mom choose him?
Why does my brother hate me? Why is he my villian and my sister's hero?
Why did I get booted out of my family?
Why do people treat me like a broken little girl?
Why does my abuser get to strive and I have to struggle?
Why was I not liked by other kids? Why do my high school "friends" ignore me?
Why did he seek me out? Why did he choose my family?
Why did my family choose him? Why did I end up homeless at 18?
Why did I have to miss out on my senior year?
Why did I not fully embrace the options offered to me by my high school?
Why did I not finish college? Why did I get kicked out of college?
Why is it so hard to heal? Why do they have so much control over me?
Why am I here? Why am I so alone when I have such great friends and people in my life?
Why do people try and tell me what to do when I hate being treated like a child?
Why do certain persons who have not earned my trust try to act like a mother to me when I don't have or need a mother?
Why are my teeth so messed up? Why can't I find a new job?
Why did he do what he did? Why did find me?
Why didn't my family save me? Why didn't they stick up for me?
Why am I here?
Why? Why? Why?

I know that asking "why?" isn't the best thing to focus on. Yet here I am wondering why.

I'm sitting here with my questions. Crying them out to God. I know I shouldn't focus on this and that the answer will probably never come. God works everything out for the good of those who love Him right? So there have to be answers as to why what has happened has happened. I don't these answers and I don't think I ever will here on earth. The workings of God are way beyond my ability to understand and I am fully aware that I have NO idea what He can do with my life and my story. But nonetheless, I sit here with my questions and my tears and I bring my whole self to God and ask Him to hear my questions and to comfort me in the pain they cause. These are the questions I carry around with me all day long. As as the day progresses I get sick to my stomach because of all stress and pain being held there. I have no way to make it go away. I have no answers to my questions. All I'm doing is sitting because the one person I want to hold me while I cry out the pain is the mother that chose to love the cause of my most severe pain and leave me out to try and survive on my own. So through Christ I overcome but for now I sit, crying myself to sleep, aware of all the questions that burden my soul on a moment by moment basis.

Tarnished Favorites

I spent the past hour deciding on a new facebook cover which was really just a procrastination of what I know I need to write here. I also needed to decide if I wanted to share what I'm about to share here or on my blog that I keep secret from the people who know me in real life. I decided that sometimes things just need to be said and sometimes the words I write speak to other people in their situations so I'm going to go ahead and share it here....

I love the pool. I've always loved the pool. I am free in the pool. All my troubles in life seem to disappear when I'm swimming laps, gliding through the water or just floating on the top of it. Being in the pool makes me feel home. My size doesn't matter. My hair doesn't matter. I move through the water with ease and all the junk in the world outside of the pool doesn't hold me back, bear me down or keep me prisoner. In the pool I am free. I've always been free. I don't remember a time where I didn't know how to swim and swim well. As a kid I was on a swim team on season and did well. We had a pool where we lived and the imagination that comes alive under water is mesmerizing. Freedom is what I find in the water.

But there's a dark side to the water too. Like everything I tend to enjoy life, a darkness creeps on the edge of my happiness just waiting for the right moment to strike. It's normally when I am most free from everything going on and genuinely enjoying the moment for what it is. This darkness is powerful and has been haunting for more than half my life. It waits eagerly for it's chance to suffocate me with its bare hands.

When I was eleven we lived in an apartment complex in California with a pool. I only remember two times we went swimming though I'm sure it was a lot more than that. Both times there were a lot of people around. My family. One time was for my sister's birthday and the other time was when my step siblings were visiting us. Each time my step father was there in all his powerful evilness. I remember swimming and him calling me over to him. The first time he just moved my suit out of the way and touched me in a place where little girls should never be touched by their stepfathers. The second time he had me against the wall and made me wrap my legs around him. Again, feeling things in places I had no business feeling. All the while my family, my mother, the people who were supposed to protect me lived their lives without noticing the darkness that was gaining control of my life. He made it look to them like we were having healthy, normal father-daughter play in the pool but the reality was he was tarnishing the one escape I had from all the other evils in the world.

Now, I try and get people to come with me to the pool so that I am not overwhelmed by the images that play in my head and the darkness doesn't overtake me. I am grateful for the voice of God that speaks to me when I'm alone in the pool, reminding me that I am safe and that swimming should bring me joy and the darkness can't take it away anymore.

But as I swam in the water tonight those movies that are on constant repeat haunted my every move. The pain that comes from my soul, from my very center is so real sometimes. The images are so vivid. The darkness waits for times like that and it makes its attempt to overtake me again. To get me to believe how it's all my fault, that I caused all the pain I feel and that my life is not enjoyable. The darkness hurls its twisted logic my way and this is when I'm grateful that I no longer fight these battles on my own.

You see, when my human memories are too much to bear and the darkness tries to find its way back into my heart, my God comes to my rescue. His Truth comes from within me and fights off the attack. He reminds me that my life has purpose and that even though my family didn't protect me, He's doing a pretty good job. He reminds me that He brought me to this place where I never thought I'd be. I have friends who love me, trust me and encourage me. Everyone has pain and I am just lucky enough to have partnered with the One True Healer who has bound my every wound and when a stitch comes undone, He's right there to repair it.

The movies that play in my head tarnish everything. Since my stepfather was in every part of my life, controlled every part of my life, and did things in every place, he has tarnished my ability to go a day without thinking of him. He has allowed the darkness to follow me into every situation, just waiting for something to trigger a memory, a crack in my defense. But there is a God who fills in the cracks and comes to my side to fight the battle with me. He doesn't take the pain away, but He comforts me when it is too much to bear alone. And with Him by my side and in my heart I am more than able to enjoy the things that my stepfather has tarnished on most occasions. Without nights like tonight though, I think its possible I would forget how much I need God in my every day moments, just to make it through people drinking coffee around me and eating ramen noodles on a budget. I'm thankful for my war partner!

Holiday Reflecting....

July 4th. The day America celebrates independence and freedom and the men and women who fight to give us these rights. A holiday for gathering together with friends and family, cooking out and enjoying the company of your loved one.

I've been having mixed feelings all day. Those emotions that tell me how much I miss my family and how I'm sad I cannot be around them for yet another holiday - they are strong. Throughout the day all I can think of is my family and since I spent Monday night sharing my story in a psychology class the wounds are at the surface - makes it just a little bit harder to accept the fact that I am spending another holiday without them. And I cried out to God about how I couldn't spend another holiday alone. No matter how many people invite me over to their homes to be around their families the pain and reality that I am without a family of my own is ever present.

But today I had a great day. I won a battle with my cell phone service provider and got a credit on my account. My friend and her two girls came over to swim and have lunch. Then we went grocery shopping together and I went over to their house to do laundry and have dinner. And we painted our nails and had a relaxing and fun day overall. Now I am home, sad that I wasn't able to tune into the NYC Macy's fireworks but happy that as I look out my window I have perfect view of some fireworks. And I'm reminded of my first 4th of July here in my new home community.

Every year around this time the hot air balloons and fast planes come into town and make lots of noise. I remember standing at my bedroom window wondering what was going on because I had no clue it was an annual thing. I remember watching the world celebrate the day from my bedroom. It had only been a few months since my last suicide attempt and probably only a few hours since my last cut. I desperately wanted my mom to be with me, to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. I wasn't sure how I ended up in this apartment, in this city, in this state. Everything was happening so fast and all I wanted was an escape.

It amazes me just how far I have come in the six years since that time. The overwhelming urge to die and the overpowering darkness in which I was held captive controlled my every thought, feeling and action. I didn't understand how my life had become what it was. I had no friends, no family, no body. I was all alone in that world. And I thought it was all my fault, everything was always my fault. Today is 180 degrees different from that time. Yes, it sucks that I can't be around family and that I don't feel comfortable around most people for any holiday but I am much better at living through the things that suck.

I am no longer living in darkness and depression. I am growing, continuously transforming from the inside out. God heard my cry not for death but for life. He put it on my friend's heart to invite me to hang with her because she too had no plans for the day and we had a fantastic time. There was no rigid structure to our day and we just did what we wanted and some of what we needed. It felt more like any other day off from work and I loved it. Of course today there are fireworks outside which remarkably bring me some form of comfort (which is weird because I've never really been one to celebrate this holiday even when I lived with my family).

Guess what I'm trying to say is that I am grateful today for the transformation in my life that God has brought over these past six years and will continue to do for me all of my days on earth. Despite all the yuckiness of my life - there is so much good and I live in the good the best I can. And with the good comes independence from self-harm and freedom from darkness!

Happy 4th of July! 

Childlike Faith Taught By a Child

I was taught a very important lesson today. My teacher was a 4 year old boy. I refer to him as my nephew because his mom is one of my best friends and he is more to me than just the child of a friend. As I reflect on my day, I realize the few moments I spent with him today taught me so much. Today I looked at him as a leader - who woulda thunk it?

Let me explain a little more. I picked up one his younger sisters after work to have some girl time in the pool. She found a cat toy from a happy meal that I bought a long time ago. I let her keep it. We got back to her home and went inside to eat dinner. Their mom and I got to talking and the kids were playing around us. Their mom made a comment about how they pray every night for Jesus to give the girl courage to go to sleep without her pacifier. I said that was a great prayer. This is where my teacher came in.

Seeing the toy his sister had he was reminded that he also had one of those happy meal toys. His was a panda. He looked all over for his panda but could've find it. He asked his mom and she gave him a few ideas of where to look. But he couldn't find it. After hearing us talk about prayer, he put his hands together, bowed his head and prayed, "Dear God, please help me to find my panda. Amen." I told him that was a great prayer and I bet God is going to help him find it now. And as if God flipped a switch, his mom knew exactly where it was and they went to find it!

My little 4 year old nephew had such faith in God to help him find what was important at that moment. He really showed me what it meant to have the childlike faith. Those things which are important to us are important to God and He has created you so He knows the longings of your soul. To turn to God for what was important at that moment in time for my young nephew has connected the dots for me. Having faith in the big things is important. But having faith in the every moment, the here and now, the life I have right now...that's childlike. Knowing, without doubt, that God is able to help you find your panda, its childlike faith.

I like to think that I have faith in God. I know that He is who He says He is, but that's not the type of faith I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the knowing that it will work out for good, knowing that God's got your back no matter what the situation and believing with all your heart that God loves you, knows you, and cares for your heart. I'm not sure I have childlike faith in the every moment. Most days I'm questing God for the majority of the 24 hours. Wondering how it is I got where I'm at and why my family can't be my family and why I keep feeling this awful feelings. I doubt that I'll ever be at a point where I can belong to a family again. I doubt my own memories. And I often doubt that anything will change from my life right now.

But what my young nephew taught me today was that God is right there beside me. He is listening and He cares about what I'm doubting and what I'm questioning and what I'm longing for. He knows where my panda is and He is gently guiding my steps to discover it. How blessed am I to be taught such wonderful lessons from such a great kid!

A Day of Growth Through Pain

Today was a challenging day. It started with my brother sending me an email full of hate, anger and brokenness. I'm not sure what prompted him to write that email but whatever it was I'm sad that he felt he needed to attack me with his words. I went ahead and tried to go into work and not let his words affect, after all I know what he says about me is not truth but twisted and deceitful beliefs. However, around lunch time I knew I had enough of people seeing me in my sadness and asking me if I was okay because obviously I was NOT OKAY but they can't help asking and trying to help me feel better. I left there and went to the store to take my emotions out on my bank account while obtaining a few items I needed at home. From there I went home, ate lunch, then took my emotions to the pool. After that I was blessed to have on my calendar time with my completely awesome spiritual director and church mom.

Now after a treat to a mini concrete mixer from Culver's to replenish all those emotions and water to wash replenish my tears, here I sit writing about the journey I took today.

"My sheep will know my voice and a stranger they will not follow."

Today I was attacked not by my brother but by Satan himself, using my brother as a vessel. In the same way Christ uses humans to speak His words so can the enemy. I am not angry at my brother for the threats he made against me and I am not angry at him for the way he has decided to cope with the truth of my story and the information he now has regarding our stepfather. If he needs to be angry at me, I can take it. I've taken his anger my whole life and we live thousands of miles apart so I'm not all that worried about him hurting me. I am thankful that I was able to recognize the evil in his words right away and that I begun to fight them right then and there. It may take me a while to process to protect and calm the little girl inside who is very much afraid of her big, angry brother but once I'm there I can certainly discern that his words are not truth and he in his mind he just needs to be angry at someone.

During work today many people could see that I was not myself. They could tell I had been crying and that my world was not perfect. I talked with only one person about it and she was nice and encouraging. But in those moments I don't want anyone to try and fix me. I've been surviving for a very long time with my family's decisions and I have distanced myself from them, not without lots of grief and pain. Being around people became too much to bear at work. I couldn't control my tears in that environment with people stopping in and asking me questions. It seemed as though once I was back in control someone else would come in and I'd lose it again. So I got permission to leave at lunch.

I spent an hour walking around a store looking at almost everything. Then I came home and had lunch. But the best part of the day was being able to take all the thoughts, emotions and pain into the pool and run laps until I felt better. Swimming does something for me. I was the only person there so I was able to use the full length of the pool for laps of all kinds. Then just being able to float and watch the clouds roll by. I am at home in a pool (I'd say in water but I'm not a fan of beaches). It was here that the voice of Truth started to make its way from inside my soul and speak to the current situation. Knowing that I am loved and that I am living in the Light is comforting. I was reminded that standing for what's right often means standing alone. Except I'm not alone am I? No. It just so happens that my family is unable to be apart of my journey for they are not strong enough to accept this truth.

Meeting with my spiritual director really sealed the deal. We began with prayer and God really moved in that room for me. I was encouraged in my ability to discern the voice of God from the voice a stranger. I was loved in a way that I'm not sure I've ever been before. And I taught, I'm always taught.

This journey of life can be so complicated at times. At other times it really can be so simple. My life is not perfect. I am definitely not perfect. And I'm discovering that the people that really matter are the ones that love me despite all my imperfections, with all my scars and in the Spirit. And even though the devil's words that came through my brother threatened to destroy me if I ever shared my story again I WILL NOT BE SILENT! The world has done a lot to destroy me but my God has rescued me and He has blessed my life in ways I could have never imagined. I will NOT go back into hiding and I hope that by sharing my story others are encouraged to seek God and let Him rescue them.

So...nice try devil but you don't win this battle!!!!!

P.S. Thank you to everyone who has let me join their spiritual family. You mean the world to me and your children minister to my heart more than anything else. I am honored that you place your trust in me and that you have gotten to know me for me and not my imperfections.

Breaking Generational Curses

I have spent some time over the past few months looking up my family history on ancestry.com. I've talked with my father a bit about the little information he knows about his parents' family and my mother already has a tree going waaay back that I was able to see.

I was lucky and actually found my biological grandfather on another user's tree and after a few emails we have decided that we are indeed related even though neither of us knew my grandfather (she is his half-sister). I have also discovered a lot of brokenness in my family's history on both sides. I guess I've always known divorce ran rampant throughout my family but seeing the physical evidence in new to me. And there appears to be a lot of secrecy and abandonment in my family's history. I can only predict that was probably a lot of worldly factors such as alcohol, lust and abuse leading to the incredible amount of brokenness in my biological line - but knowing what we know now, I'm sure there was a lot of that going on. When it comes to my Mexican roots I'm having the hardest time even finding information about my grandmother and her mother. It's like they don't exist on paper. Not even my grandmother's marriage to my step-grandfather shows up on marriage records. I have a feeling that I most likely won't discover any more information about my Mexican roots until I can hire someone or make my way down to Pennsylvania and Texas to see if the information I have is correct. 

Here's what's interesting...

I see that patterns in my biological family's history. I compare what I know about the past with the current events of my family and I see how they are caught up in the cycle. Then I look at my life. 

In my life I see the cycle that tried to control my life. It was there my whole life. Abandonment, alcohol, abuse in every form, depression, broken home and confusion. I lived in that mess because I didn't have a choice and the hand dealt to my family was being dealt to me at a very young age.

 Today, I see something completely different. In my life there is healing, forgiveness, hope, peace in the storms and happiness. I am so incredibly grateful to my God for all the work He has done in my life. I know that He is bringing restoration to my family line through my life. It's hard to be the one that He set aside to show His mighty love through because there are things you just gotta do. You have deny the basic human instinct of belonging to the family you were born into. You have to accept what is and learn to live in the moment instead of hoping for your biological family to open up to the Truth you've known your whole life. You have to be in control of your actions and you have to grow up. Being the one that brings life back into your family tree takes a lot work but it can be done with God by your side.

 I hope to one day have a family that is free from the generational bondage I was born into. I hope they can experience the fruit from all the sensationally difficult choices I've made in my life to break free. God has promised great things to me and while I choose to live in the moment of today and let Him control my future I know I am in a safe place. And when I'm old and gray haired and my race comes to a strong finish my family's new path will be one of my greatest accomplishments.

Breaking chains, breaking curses!