A Day of Growth Through Pain

Today was a challenging day. It started with my brother sending me an email full of hate, anger and brokenness. I'm not sure what prompted him to write that email but whatever it was I'm sad that he felt he needed to attack me with his words. I went ahead and tried to go into work and not let his words affect, after all I know what he says about me is not truth but twisted and deceitful beliefs. However, around lunch time I knew I had enough of people seeing me in my sadness and asking me if I was okay because obviously I was NOT OKAY but they can't help asking and trying to help me feel better. I left there and went to the store to take my emotions out on my bank account while obtaining a few items I needed at home. From there I went home, ate lunch, then took my emotions to the pool. After that I was blessed to have on my calendar time with my completely awesome spiritual director and church mom.

Now after a treat to a mini concrete mixer from Culver's to replenish all those emotions and water to wash replenish my tears, here I sit writing about the journey I took today.

"My sheep will know my voice and a stranger they will not follow."

Today I was attacked not by my brother but by Satan himself, using my brother as a vessel. In the same way Christ uses humans to speak His words so can the enemy. I am not angry at my brother for the threats he made against me and I am not angry at him for the way he has decided to cope with the truth of my story and the information he now has regarding our stepfather. If he needs to be angry at me, I can take it. I've taken his anger my whole life and we live thousands of miles apart so I'm not all that worried about him hurting me. I am thankful that I was able to recognize the evil in his words right away and that I begun to fight them right then and there. It may take me a while to process to protect and calm the little girl inside who is very much afraid of her big, angry brother but once I'm there I can certainly discern that his words are not truth and he in his mind he just needs to be angry at someone.

During work today many people could see that I was not myself. They could tell I had been crying and that my world was not perfect. I talked with only one person about it and she was nice and encouraging. But in those moments I don't want anyone to try and fix me. I've been surviving for a very long time with my family's decisions and I have distanced myself from them, not without lots of grief and pain. Being around people became too much to bear at work. I couldn't control my tears in that environment with people stopping in and asking me questions. It seemed as though once I was back in control someone else would come in and I'd lose it again. So I got permission to leave at lunch.

I spent an hour walking around a store looking at almost everything. Then I came home and had lunch. But the best part of the day was being able to take all the thoughts, emotions and pain into the pool and run laps until I felt better. Swimming does something for me. I was the only person there so I was able to use the full length of the pool for laps of all kinds. Then just being able to float and watch the clouds roll by. I am at home in a pool (I'd say in water but I'm not a fan of beaches). It was here that the voice of Truth started to make its way from inside my soul and speak to the current situation. Knowing that I am loved and that I am living in the Light is comforting. I was reminded that standing for what's right often means standing alone. Except I'm not alone am I? No. It just so happens that my family is unable to be apart of my journey for they are not strong enough to accept this truth.

Meeting with my spiritual director really sealed the deal. We began with prayer and God really moved in that room for me. I was encouraged in my ability to discern the voice of God from the voice a stranger. I was loved in a way that I'm not sure I've ever been before. And I taught, I'm always taught.

This journey of life can be so complicated at times. At other times it really can be so simple. My life is not perfect. I am definitely not perfect. And I'm discovering that the people that really matter are the ones that love me despite all my imperfections, with all my scars and in the Spirit. And even though the devil's words that came through my brother threatened to destroy me if I ever shared my story again I WILL NOT BE SILENT! The world has done a lot to destroy me but my God has rescued me and He has blessed my life in ways I could have never imagined. I will NOT go back into hiding and I hope that by sharing my story others are encouraged to seek God and let Him rescue them.

So...nice try devil but you don't win this battle!!!!!

P.S. Thank you to everyone who has let me join their spiritual family. You mean the world to me and your children minister to my heart more than anything else. I am honored that you place your trust in me and that you have gotten to know me for me and not my imperfections.