That Big Talking Fork in the Road

from http://www.brainlesstales.com/

Options. Choices. Decisions. Goals. Dreams. Plans.

You go about your days - filling them with friends, facebook, twitter, television, work, volunteering, and the random moments of utter happiness. You think you are on the right path. You've overcome so much along that path - where you didn't really make too many choices except who to go to prom with, what college to attend and and how to attend a party late night while still making it to class in the morning.

Then one day college is over, you've been at your job for a while now and life is pretty much the same every day - where the decision is what movie to see and Chinese or Pizza for dinner? Things are easy going because you manage your budget well and have been blessed to live in America.

Then one, sunshinny day, while you're biggest decision is "Pepsi or Coke" you run into the big, talking fork in the road! It taunts you with endless possibilities. It tells you stories of people who have gone before you. It makes you laugh (and cry) with a pro and con list for each path it lays before you. And it just keeps reminding you that you must choose which way to continue with your life. You gotta decide what path you are gonna take.

And all the sudden - you're a grown up. You've actually come to the fork in the road that determines how your adult life is gonna play out. Which job to take, where to live, when to get married - or not and how to begin your life!!!

How the heck did this BIG fork in the road sneak up on me? How did I become 25 years old and still so uncertain with what I want my life to be by the time I'm 25 years old? And how do I decide which path to take? What do I do from here? How do I choose?

Such is the life of a twentysomething here in America, I suppose. Those young years just fly by and we get taken aback when the very real dilema of adulthood shows up on our front door. We're all born for more and yet we don't even understand what that truely means.

Here goes my 25th year of life - maybe by the end of it I'll have embarked on one of the paths that lay before me and have made decent strides toward who I want to be in this world.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, good luck to you! I'm cheering you on from the mighty blogging world!

Reflection on Bullying

I learned of a young boy who committed suicide due to the depression he must have felt due to the horrific bullying he was forced to endure at school. My heart broke and my eyes shed tears as I listened to the story of this boys family. His absence leaves a whole in their family unit and they will forever miss him.

This got me thinking about my own personal experiences with bullying and what I should do with those experiences. This is my attempt to straighten out some thoughts in my head and maybe make an impact on someone's life.

I was bullied my whole life. Guess that's just the reality I had to deal with at a young age due to the anger problems my older brother had. Being called names, kicked, forced to do what he said...these things were just the beginning of the life of a victim. I was 10 years old when we moved to a new city with my mother's boyfriend (who later became my mother's husband). This change in environment meant a new school.

Switching schools is always hard for a kid. You never know what to expect. You try your hardest to be someone that other kids will like but when that fails you get stuck in the corner, alone and afraid of what they others might say. It was this point in my life that making friends became too hard. Plus, when you add in the way my brother continued to treat me, I was certain that I was no good for anyone. And of course the added problems due to the sexual abuse I was victim to on a regular basis. All of these horrible things combined to make me the perfect victim for constant bullying - every where I went.

I believe it was here that depression began to sink in. I would turn to food for comfort - which only added to the amunition for the others to use against me.

At 12 years old we moved again. This time it was a whole new state, a whole new way of living, a whole new world in which I had no idead how to function. My world was turned upside down and the only thing that was familiar was the bullying. In this new world however, the bullying was much more vicious. Teams of kids would taunt me while walking in the halls or walking home. While waiting in line kids would throw things at me, hit me in the back on the knees with their backpacks - waiting to see if my knees would collapse which would only make the laughing louder. All throughout middle school I was afraid to be around the other kids. Things at home only got worse and I was for certain that my life was worthless.

Depression ruled my life at such a young age. The tormenting words of so many other people haunted my every move. I silenced myself as to not give anyone any more reason to hate me. I would leave our apartment as early as possible to avoid things that happened there and to avoid the "walking" crowd of students. I would sneak into the building and then hide in the bathroom until first period. I would go throughout the day like a zombie, just barely getting to my next class. After last period I would rush to my locker, grab my stuff and head out the door. If I didn't make it before the "walking" crowd headed out, then I would hide once again in the bathroom and wait until the halls were cleared and the busses had pulled away. I tried to hide, be invisible. But, being overweight made this difficult because no matter how hard I tried I was still in the way and still the best object to bully. Even those few people I considered "friends" would say things about me.

Finally, one morning I was listening the school annoucements and I found a way out. I was in the 9th grade and had just learned of a school were you lived on campus and did lots of math and science stuff. To this day I still don't think I was smart enough to get in and attend this school. I definitely didn't make the most of my time there. But it was God's way of giving me a glimmer of hope. I applied, got in and spent my summer at a program for "at-risk" kids and then began attending in the fall of my sophomore year.

This school was better. However, the lasting effects of all those years of bullying meant that I didn't know how to make friends very well. Each year there I had a new set of friends because for some reason I wasn't good enough to keep around. By graduation the people I spent time with that first summer had tossed me to the curb and the new ones I was trying to make weren't very interested.

The bullying I experienced during my growing up years definitely had a lasting impact on my life. I have struggled with several eating disordes, self-harm, alochol, suicide, and depression. My mind was so warped by all the things other people had spoken over me that I had no idea who I was or what I was worth. I lived in complete isolation and fear. I was trapped by the haunting of voices that said I was worthles.

Thankfully, my mind has been renewed because I have worked on it. I am in the process of learning exactly who I am in Christ and Who's I am. Even with as much of the filth that I have cleansed from my mind, I still find those little parts of my former bullies rising up at different moments. The one time a coworker isn't happy with something I've done or said - all the old voices rush back and try to torment me into silence again. I am learning and growing how to not be a victim of bullying. I have done a lot of growing when it comes to other things in my past, but this whole bullying thing is very central to the way I live now.

Growing up if we were sad because another kid called us a name our parents would say "it's because he likes you" or "kids will be kids." I think these phrases should be erased from every adults vocabulary. They only make the child feel worse for being sad that someone out there thinks less of them. Instead, we should diligently pursue teaching each and every kid the proper way to respect one another. This of course means that adults must learn how to do the same - which can be a whole new challenge.

Being the victim of an action that degrades the very essence of who God made us to be has a lasting effect on everyone. We lose a bit of our design. We must grow up and learn how to function with a piece of us missing. If we are wise, we let God restore us to a whole new creation with an entirely different and more amazing purpose. We don't have to remain the victim. We gain our strength from God and fight for what He wants to give us.

I am glad that I am no longer in situations where I am a victim. I spent many years there even after I was physically away from the situation. Hopefully, those of you reading this who are still under the control of your former or current bullies will glean a sense of hope from this posting. You can email me if you want resources to help bring you out of the darkness or just a listening ear (or eyes).

So Many Paths Before Me

Recently I've been dreaming of all the things I'd love to do personally, professionally, just for fun and just for God. I guess this whole coming up to my 25th birthday has kinda got me wondering what I want to do with this life I've been given.

I have a dream of opening a home for victims of sex trafficking. This is my biggest dream and of course the one that seems impossible. This goal of mine was given to me from God, it's too big for me to dream up on my own. I believe that somewhere down the road, this will happen.

I have a dream to live in a big city and write for a television show or a movie or a magazine or newspaper. This dream seems a little more attainable for me. People tell me all the time that they enjoy my writings. But I don't know how to go about making this dream a reality. Plus, the concerns about leaving the unbelievably, amazing support system God has blessed me with in this community and leaving all my little "nieces and nephews" make me want to stay. How do I know what I'm supposed to do? Go after a dream or just be happy with what I have been given?

I have a dream to go back to school. I want to earn a degree in writing/journalism/english. I want to earn a degree in social work and ministry leadership. But how do I go back to school without taking out more loans? How do I decide if loans are going to be worth it? How do I manage to earn this degrees while still providing a roof over my head and food on my table? I am very fortunate to not have children that depend on me but I still don't know how to make this happen. How do I keep my job and go to school for a degree that's not offered online or at night?

I have a dream to have a family. This dream is most seemingly impossible for me. Only God can make this dream come to life. Do I stay where I'm at for this dream to come true? Is moving to a new city going to help this come to life?

Which dream and goal is important? How do I go about achieving these dreams? How do I choose? I feel very trapped in my current situation. Of course I am growing in my spiritual relationship with Christ - which is always good. But my personal and professional lives just feel very stuck. I'm not doing what I love to do. I'm paying my bills, volunteering my time, and enjoying life ~ I just have these dreams and I don't know how to make them come true.

I'm standing at this point in my life with many roads before me. How do I pick which one to take? I can't let fear keep me stuck in this spot, never choosing, never taking risks and always playing it safe. How do I know which road is less traveled?

So many roads, so many options and yet how do I make the decision on which dream to go after?

A Holiday Week Full of Love

This past holiday week I have had many messages from God. Please be patient as I attempt to portray what has been swirling around my heart for the past week through written words.

Last Monday, I went to chruch to help set up the stage for our new Advent series. This was a time of fun and laughter with some great creative people I have the honor of knowing. At the end of the night, I was given a 5 1/2 foot tall Christmas Tree for my house (this was a tree that had been donated last year and was not being used this year). I brought it home and immediately put it up. I used lights, a few ornaments and the angel topper that was given to me last year by a few of my lovely coworkers. I used tinsel that I bought last year. I even used some ornament bulbs that I had taken home from a Christmas party I attended 5 years ago. As I sat there, in the dark room with the tree glowing all different colors, lights reflecting off of the ornaments, my heart was filled to overflowing with the love of God. Thinking of all the people that have played a role in the ongoing journey of getting a tree for my home, I was consumed with the love that flowed from them to me. God whispered to my heart, as I sat there with the wonderment of a child, "Christmas is good, Beloved. Christmas is good."

I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that holidays, especially Christmas, could be good again. I was brought back to the holidays before my brother started having behavior problems, before my parents hated each other, before the sexual abuse started and before we moved to a new city, before the bullying started and before I was lost in depression, before I spent my days cutting my own skin, before all the suicide attempts, when Christmas and holidays were good. Experiencing the holidays like a child, that's what this year is going to be about. It's going to be about the now and the hope of the future. It's going to be about making handmade gifts - maybe not perfect, but definitely made with love. It's going to be about helping those who need help and loving those who have no one to love them."Christmas is good, Beloved. Christmas is good."

Fast forward to Thanksgiving Day...It's been 6 years since I've lived on my own for Thanksgiving. This year, I was determined to not spend the day feeling lonely and sad because I was unable to be with my blood family. Afterall, they are not that healthy to be around and I haven't spent a holiday with them in a very long time. I figured I would do all I could to not be alone on Thanksgiving. I was blessed, because I got the opportunity to spend the morning delivering dinner to seniors who had no where else to go and are homebound. I even had a few left over dinners and was given permission to give them to any one I saw who was in need of dinner. I gave them out to a few seniors and then dropped off dinner to a family of 4 who were not able to have a "Thanksgiving Day Dinner" with the rest of their family. Two of the seniors gave me "thank you" cards. They both expressed how appreciative they were for the meal and the driver. I realized, through one man's words, just how blessed I truely am and how not alone I actually am. I was given a glimpse into what true loneliness is and I am so grateful that I was invited to spend Thanksgiving with several friends and that I had the ability to choose how I spent my holiday.

After delivering dinners, I got in my car and headed down to visit a dear friend and her daughters - who have become like family to me over the past 6 years that I've known them. I had a wonderful weekend, just enjoying time with people who love me for me and who always know how to make me loved so completely. Watching my "nieces" grow up has been fun because they have a true childhood and I am so happy that they are able to experience their youth without growing up too fast or being abused. Being a part of their lives as "Ti-Ti" has been one of the most amazing experiences in my life. I am sad that I am not apart of my blood niece and nephew's lives like I am for all the little ones that call me "Ti-Ti" but I am determined that one day, my brother and sister and I will be reunited and happy again...one day. And I can be an aunt to my niece and nephew (and anymore that come along in that time). I definitely enjoyed being "Ti-Ti" with them again!

Of course, I stayed a few hours longer than I had originally planned, but it was all good because I still got home safely. Throughout the drive, I listened to a few cd's from when I was younger. I had to use my portable CD player because I have lost my mp3 player, but it turned out to be a great thing. I rediscovered a few songs that got me through so much turmoil when I was a pre-teen and teen. I was able to think back on those times with these songs and I am so glad to be alive today. One of the songs is "Alive" by Jennifer Lopez. This is a song she wrote for the movie Enough, where she plays a woman in an abusive relationship who discovers her strength and fights for her freedom. In this song, she talks about being "happy just to be me and be alive." This song got me through such pain and struggle. And this line, is so true to me today because through everything I have been through and probably everything that is to come, I am happy to be me and be alive!!!

What a week of learning and discovering this has been! I am happy with where I am at and I am looking forward to experiencing a good Christmas again.

Merry Christmas!

Thoughts of My Mother Part 2

Last week I wrote about my mother. I wrote about her as the little girl who was betrayed and abandoned by the person she needed to be perfect enough to protect her. Thinking about my mother from the perspective of her little girl, I was hurt, angry, confused and lost. Then, God began to do what only He can do....

Thoughts of my mother sadden me. A woman so broken by the world, unable to escape the darkness. Lost in a world of plastic happiness with the weight of unbearable truth on her shoulders. A forced smile upon her face and a heart with many holes.

Thoughts of my mother break my heart. A young single mother of three small children. Struggling to pay the bills and put food on the table. Walking and taking the bus to her destinations. The stress of keeping a roof over her children's heads. Working any job she could find. An ex-husband who treats her like dirt and a son with behavioral and mental difficulties. A woman without true friends to hold her up during difficult times.

Thoughts of my mother make me want to open my arms. A little girl with a father who abandoned their family. A little girl teased by her siblings and probably others. A little girls who's story is so hidden behind the forced smile. A young teen caught up in the world. A very young mother who felt she had no choice to end a pregancy. A teen trying to find her place in a great big world.

Thoughts of my mother help me understand. She has her own walls too. She needs forgiveness and compassion. She is simply a woman guarding her heart towards the things that are too painful. A woman who has yet to discover the courage within her to face the darkness and overcome with Christ. A woman who has done her best to survive the schemes of hell.

My mother: a soul on a journey.


I may not be completely unhurt by the choices made by the woman I have described, but I now see her as more than just the person who hurt me. She has become a real soul with a real story and a real desire for Christ. I may not be ready at this time in my life to begin a relationship with this woman, but I am learning to forgive her and understand the brokeness that has led to decisions she has made in her life that have affected me. I'm learning to see my mother through the eyes of God and for that I am grateful. The hurt she has caused in my life is no longer about how "bad" I am/was but about how broken her soul is. I don't know everything about this woman and where she is with Christ but I can see the love God has for her and I can feel how deeply He desires her to find the true freedom in her life. I love my mother and I desire to be the woman of God she can look to for support on her journey. One day I pray that to be the case in our relationship. Right now, I pray from afar and I forgive her for the decisions she made. I pray that she can forgive me for any hurtful things I may have said in my pain and that one day she finds the courage to face the darkness of lies and come to the light of truth.

Thoughts of My Mother Consume Me

Thoughts of my mother consume me. Thoughts about what I'm missing. This hole in my life that can never be filled - though I try. I'm reminded of how God loves me and how He adopted me into His family - yet the sadness of not having my mother in my life is overwhelming. I cling to the knowledge that I belong in God's family and He only wants what is best for me - otherwise I am sure to drown in the ocean of despair and run back to a family that broke me so completely.

Thoughts of my mother bring pain. The tears that drop from my face onto my hands take me by surprise as I replay the very few sweet memories of my life with her. And then the gates break loose and I can't stop them anymore as my memories turn bitter. The memories all spin together and I find myself struggling to hold on to the promises of my Heavenly Father.

Thoughts of my mother break my heart. I can't focus on anything else. I discover that my sister is now married and I'm thrown into the fact that my mother will never know when I'm married. She is not apart of the bright future I know is waiting for me. The day everything changed and I stood alone on the side of the road with no where to go comes rushing to the front of my mind. I am flooded with the pain as she tells me she will not make her husband leave and in that moment she chooses to abandon me for the person who tore me apart at such a young age.

Thoughts of my mother make it hard to breathe. And in these times when the pain is intense, I want nothing more than to be held by my mother, secure in the arms of the person who, at one time, was the safest person in my world. Yet here I am, alone and unable to trust anyone to come in - afterall the wonderful women God has given me are simply not my mother and I am not their daughter. As I struggle to catch my next breath, I say my breath prayer: "Perfect Protector, hold my heart, Perfect Father, hold me close."

Thoughts of my mother make everything seem wrong. Why can't I have my mother? Aren't I the victim in this situation? Why am I being punished? What is the purpose in this? How can I want something that is obviously a negative thing in my life? How did I get here?

After an unmeasurable amount of tears dropping from my eyes, I am so broken and raw, alone and vunerable. My Heavenly Father speaks to me: "Beloved, I know what it is to be abandoned, hated and turned against. I understand the feelings of grief that consume you right now. I promise that I have plans for your future and they are full of hope. My darling daughter, I have your heart in my hands and I am your Restorer. I will continue to guide you on your journey and I will not let you drown. You are my Beloved and I love you. Fill your heart with me and I will always be there."

Thoughts of my Father make things seem right. This windy, narrow path filled with life and joy is the one I will stay on. Though I stumble, He is there to catch me. In the quietness of my broken soul, He continues a good and perfect work. And while I think of my mother, He holds me while the tears flow. He promises me a future where today's pain has purpose and though I can't see it, I trust in what He says.

Thoughts of my mother consume me.

Mercy Reflections

Tonight as I sit in the kitchen, after a evening babysitting, reading one of the "Mercy For" books, I am reminded of what I learned during my time at Mercy Ministries. The last two months I spent in the Mercy home were the most freeing months. I had surrendered to God's plan even though I wanted out sooner. I woke up every morning excited about what was to come. I took my "Cap-sules" (inside Mercy joke) of God's truth every morning before 9am. I was taking care of my body in ways I never knew I could. I was loved and I knew it. And I was genuinely happy with my life despite all the junk in it.

Now, almost three years after I walked out of the doors of Mercy, I have been trying to get that feeling back. The feeling of connectedness to God and knowing without a doubt that I was loved and headed in the right direction. Over the years the Mercy sisters I knew at the home have gone in different directions. They have gone back to their dysfunctional homes and have become victims to the devil's world once again. Only a few that I have kept in touch with are doing well - though many graduates of Mercy do extremely well, some of the ones I kept in touch with lost the freedom they received.

I have been so fortunate to be in a wonderful church community where I am poured into on a regular basis. I also have the privilege of "unofficially" mentoring a handful of girls as well. And though I am far from perfect and  struggle-free, I remember what it is I learned at Mercy.

God is truth, love and joy. Satan is a liar, destroyer and thief.

My time at Mercy Ministries gave me this amazing ability to take the chatter of the devil and the clutter of the world captive. I have the Voice of Truth so deeply rooted in my soul, that I can fight my enemy any time, any where. Speaking aloud that I am the kid of the King and my sins were cleansed the day Jesus gave up His life for my soul.  Satan likes to scream at the top of his lungs and the distractions of the world are very demanding. However, that Voice of Truth likes to speak in the quietness and Mercy was able to help me tune in to the quiet spaces.

My life is not perfect. I still have a very dysfunctional family that I cannot let back into my life any time soon. Yet, I am so incredibly grateful for the life God has given me. That wasn't true three and a half years ago when yet another suicide attempt failed. And it definitely wasn't how I felt 7 years ago when my daily life was a living hell (inside and outside the home).

Today, I have friends that I love. I have children that call me "Aunt" because I am close with their families. I am blessed to be in a church where I can serve and be fed. The job God has blessed with me is filled with strong, courageous women that call me a "baby" and give me hope for my future and comes with great benefits. I have a car that transports me where I need to be (may be a very old junker, but it works and its paid off). And I am learning how to give back to girls who have been victims of horrible crimes. God has placed me on the path of going on a mission trip to Cambodia next year and has blessed that road already.  This life I live today, so radically different from three and half a years ago, is more than I could have ever imagined and it only gets better with every sunrise!

I am overwhelmed with the life that Mercy Ministries prepared me for and the eternal gifts I received while there. With a renewed mind and refreshed soul, I continue on my journey to knowing God more intimately and serving Him more passionately.

My God truly is a miracle worker and I am thankful for today!