This past holiday week I have had many messages from God. Please be patient as I attempt to portray what has been swirling around my heart for the past week through written words.
Last Monday, I went to chruch to help set up the stage for our new Advent series. This was a time of fun and laughter with some great creative people I have the honor of knowing. At the end of the night, I was given a 5 1/2 foot tall Christmas Tree for my house (this was a tree that had been donated last year and was not being used this year). I brought it home and immediately put it up. I used lights, a few ornaments and the angel topper that was given to me last year by a few of my lovely coworkers. I used tinsel that I bought last year. I even used some ornament bulbs that I had taken home from a Christmas party I attended 5 years ago. As I sat there, in the dark room with the tree glowing all different colors, lights reflecting off of the ornaments, my heart was filled to overflowing with the love of God. Thinking of all the people that have played a role in the ongoing journey of getting a tree for my home, I was consumed with the love that flowed from them to me. God whispered to my heart, as I sat there with the wonderment of a child, "Christmas is good, Beloved. Christmas is good."
I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that holidays, especially Christmas, could be good again. I was brought back to the holidays before my brother started having behavior problems, before my parents hated each other, before the sexual abuse started and before we moved to a new city, before the bullying started and before I was lost in depression, before I spent my days cutting my own skin, before all the suicide attempts, when Christmas and holidays were good. Experiencing the holidays like a child, that's what this year is going to be about. It's going to be about the now and the hope of the future. It's going to be about making handmade gifts - maybe not perfect, but definitely made with love. It's going to be about helping those who need help and loving those who have no one to love them."Christmas is good, Beloved. Christmas is good."
Fast forward to Thanksgiving Day...It's been 6 years since I've lived on my own for Thanksgiving. This year, I was determined to not spend the day feeling lonely and sad because I was unable to be with my blood family. Afterall, they are not that healthy to be around and I haven't spent a holiday with them in a very long time. I figured I would do all I could to not be alone on Thanksgiving. I was blessed, because I got the opportunity to spend the morning delivering dinner to seniors who had no where else to go and are homebound. I even had a few left over dinners and was given permission to give them to any one I saw who was in need of dinner. I gave them out to a few seniors and then dropped off dinner to a family of 4 who were not able to have a "Thanksgiving Day Dinner" with the rest of their family. Two of the seniors gave me "thank you" cards. They both expressed how appreciative they were for the meal and the driver. I realized, through one man's words, just how blessed I truely am and how not alone I actually am. I was given a glimpse into what true loneliness is and I am so grateful that I was invited to spend Thanksgiving with several friends and that I had the ability to choose how I spent my holiday.
After delivering dinners, I got in my car and headed down to visit a dear friend and her daughters - who have become like family to me over the past 6 years that I've known them. I had a wonderful weekend, just enjoying time with people who love me for me and who always know how to make me loved so completely. Watching my "nieces" grow up has been fun because they have a true childhood and I am so happy that they are able to experience their youth without growing up too fast or being abused. Being a part of their lives as "Ti-Ti" has been one of the most amazing experiences in my life. I am sad that I am not apart of my blood niece and nephew's lives like I am for all the little ones that call me "Ti-Ti" but I am determined that one day, my brother and sister and I will be reunited and happy again...one day. And I can be an aunt to my niece and nephew (and anymore that come along in that time). I definitely enjoyed being "Ti-Ti" with them again!
Of course, I stayed a few hours longer than I had originally planned, but it was all good because I still got home safely. Throughout the drive, I listened to a few cd's from when I was younger. I had to use my portable CD player because I have lost my mp3 player, but it turned out to be a great thing. I rediscovered a few songs that got me through so much turmoil when I was a pre-teen and teen. I was able to think back on those times with these songs and I am so glad to be alive today. One of the songs is "Alive" by Jennifer Lopez. This is a song she wrote for the movie Enough, where she plays a woman in an abusive relationship who discovers her strength and fights for her freedom. In this song, she talks about being "happy just to be me and be alive." This song got me through such pain and struggle. And this line, is so true to me today because through everything I have been through and probably everything that is to come, I am happy to be me and be alive!!!
What a week of learning and discovering this has been! I am happy with where I am at and I am looking forward to experiencing a good Christmas again.
Merry Christmas!
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