Thoughts of My Mother Consume Me

Thoughts of my mother consume me. Thoughts about what I'm missing. This hole in my life that can never be filled - though I try. I'm reminded of how God loves me and how He adopted me into His family - yet the sadness of not having my mother in my life is overwhelming. I cling to the knowledge that I belong in God's family and He only wants what is best for me - otherwise I am sure to drown in the ocean of despair and run back to a family that broke me so completely.

Thoughts of my mother bring pain. The tears that drop from my face onto my hands take me by surprise as I replay the very few sweet memories of my life with her. And then the gates break loose and I can't stop them anymore as my memories turn bitter. The memories all spin together and I find myself struggling to hold on to the promises of my Heavenly Father.

Thoughts of my mother break my heart. I can't focus on anything else. I discover that my sister is now married and I'm thrown into the fact that my mother will never know when I'm married. She is not apart of the bright future I know is waiting for me. The day everything changed and I stood alone on the side of the road with no where to go comes rushing to the front of my mind. I am flooded with the pain as she tells me she will not make her husband leave and in that moment she chooses to abandon me for the person who tore me apart at such a young age.

Thoughts of my mother make it hard to breathe. And in these times when the pain is intense, I want nothing more than to be held by my mother, secure in the arms of the person who, at one time, was the safest person in my world. Yet here I am, alone and unable to trust anyone to come in - afterall the wonderful women God has given me are simply not my mother and I am not their daughter. As I struggle to catch my next breath, I say my breath prayer: "Perfect Protector, hold my heart, Perfect Father, hold me close."

Thoughts of my mother make everything seem wrong. Why can't I have my mother? Aren't I the victim in this situation? Why am I being punished? What is the purpose in this? How can I want something that is obviously a negative thing in my life? How did I get here?

After an unmeasurable amount of tears dropping from my eyes, I am so broken and raw, alone and vunerable. My Heavenly Father speaks to me: "Beloved, I know what it is to be abandoned, hated and turned against. I understand the feelings of grief that consume you right now. I promise that I have plans for your future and they are full of hope. My darling daughter, I have your heart in my hands and I am your Restorer. I will continue to guide you on your journey and I will not let you drown. You are my Beloved and I love you. Fill your heart with me and I will always be there."

Thoughts of my Father make things seem right. This windy, narrow path filled with life and joy is the one I will stay on. Though I stumble, He is there to catch me. In the quietness of my broken soul, He continues a good and perfect work. And while I think of my mother, He holds me while the tears flow. He promises me a future where today's pain has purpose and though I can't see it, I trust in what He says.

Thoughts of my mother consume me.