2010 - New Year, New something....

wow...its been a long time since i've written on here. guess i've just been writing on facebook a lot and in my journal or on my computer. i don't think i have anything super exciting to say really. just wanted to write something down.

i think i'm finding myself too scared to push foward in this leap of faith God has asked me to take. I look at my journal and carry it with me but I can't find the strength to finish the writing. now i'm looking at classes to learn how to read music...that way i can learn to play the piano or the quitar and put music to some of the writings of mine. its only day 9 of the new year and i think i know where this year is taking me....leaps of faith, no matter how small they may be are still giant leaps!

writing....music...my outlet for all the goodness God has shown me. its like i was created to write. but the things that take me longer than 15 minutes are challenging. normally i just spit it all out and there it is, something wonderful that touches people's lives. this new stage is different. its scary. its different. i don't know if i'm up to it. but i have to be. its God calling me to shine in the world, His world. but how? writing....music....movies....stories...life...writing. its all so new to me. 2010 is bound to show me where God wants me. He's bound to bless and prove to me that this is the right path or He's going to close it and open another one.

weird how the desires of my childhood are pushing their way back into my heart. only now there's no one telling me i can't. its up to me and God to accomplish what He wants. and there's no one around to tell me that i'm not good enough or that i have other things to worry about. i'm taking a chance on me...for once in my life. its weird but so good. 2010, you scare me!

Raw Emotions/Thoughts

So, I'm posting here because I need to write and I don't want all of facebook or anyone really to see this. I've having a hard time here. Really hard time.

First, it's like I come to Nashville with the hopes of seeing some staff members that really mean a lot to me....that doesn't work. Then I have a great weekend here with my friends. We saw a few great people, experienced some great time together and loved being with each other just in the hotel room. Then on the way back home...I don't even make it out of town before my car breaks down. I'm unsure of what's going on. I come back to another staff members house, who I'm very thankful for, but feel completely out of place.

I'm realizing she doesn't get that I'm not black. She used a few different forms of a certain word that I do no like hearing. It brought me back to a place I didn't want to go again. You know, when you're around "your own type" certain phrases and ways of speaking are okay, but I hate that!!! I don't use any of that stuff with any "type" of skin color or whatever. I can't stand it....so hypricital...not to say I'm not hypricritical in some aspects because I'm sure I am...but this one...its hurt me too much in the past...it's soooo un-godlike I hate it!!!

anyways, I've been stuck in her house all day. She calls and asks "what are you doing?" and of course I'm not doing a whole lot of anything....I'm stuck inside without a car or anyone to see or anything to do. So I eat all day....just absolutely stupid!!!! And she tells me to start looking at other ways home. She doesn't want me here any longer. None of them do. For some reason I'm supposed to feel loved and welcomed here and all I feel is in the way. I feel like no one wants to see me. I feel like I'm just stupid for thinking that people would make plans with me.

And this just adds to the past month where all I've gotten is rejected. And then this staff member tries telling me to love my family...what family???? They don't want me. No body wants me. I know it's not true...but lately its been how I feel. All signs point to the fact that I'm on my own. Sure God is there....Bigger than every circumstance but I hate being alone.

"you're not alone Tamara, you have people that love you and care for you" oh yeah.....i remember. But people say they love you like you're family but I'm not their family. I can see that. Anyone can see that. There's something different about you're family.

My family was taken from me. I can't call on them...even if I did they probably wouldn't help me anyways...make excuses about money and then go visit another family member or something...always happens.

I want to believe that I'm loved by these people. The people God has put in my life, both in Nashville and in Battle Creek, but it's hard. Real hard....I don't understand it most of the time. One day perhaps???

God I need you here. I need your strength. I need you to be able to see your love through someone here on earth. Lately it's all about pushing Tamara away, and I can't do that anymore. I need some one to show me....make me feel like they love me....make me feel like they did all they could to spend time with me. I don't want to be the one reaching out this time...it hurts too much when I reach out and they tell me no....it's getting overwhelming!!!

I hate this about me lately. Gotta do something about it. I just feel soooo under the spell on the lie. I don't know what else to do about it. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!

Power of Choice: Who's the real enemy?

Lately, its been brought to me attention how we sometimes blame satan for our actions. Granted...he comes to steal, kill and destroy. BUT the Good News tells me that we are set free by Truth. That Jesus died and gave us the power of His Name the moment we accepted Him into our hearts. The Holy Spirit lives within us and He guides us and we breathe Him all day long. Our Father is our Friend, our closest Friend we can ever have, afterall He knows us and He invites us to know Him sooo deeply. He gave us the Armor of Christ to put on and defend ourselves with. He didn't just die to save us and then leave us. Oh, no He has equipped us for life here on earth.

The only problem I've seen with all of this, is our human nature to not do it. We believe all of satan's little lies. And some of his big lies! We know the TRUTH about ourselves but deny it when we entertain a thought that says we are worthless, or God is angry with us, or that we don't deserve the good things in life. I know some of the things satan does in our lives seem unconquerable, but the TRUTH says that we are more than conquerors! We can do more than just survive our lives, we can overcome and actually live our lives. You and I are made to enjoy our time with each other and to laugh and to smile and to not worry about how to pay the bills. Satan has done a work on our world and the good news is that He's already been defeated for it! He doesn't win. He can't win. He lacks everything needed to take charge of your life.

So where does that take me? Choices. Such a simple word. Such a hard concept to grasp. And where do I come off trying to tell you to make good choices? I'm not the superstar of making good choices. I've made several bad ones in the past and even after my time at Mercy, I've made some not so great choices. And I can blame satan. Afterall, he's the one that comes in and tempts me. But what good will that do? His temptations and his lies aren't the last say in whether or not I sin, or think negatively of myself, or not read the Bible. You know the verse in Deuteronomy where God lays before you life and death. Well then He tells you to choose life. Hmmm...choose. Choice. My decision. No one else's. My responsibility. My relationships. My life. My Jesus. Choice. Choose. Life. hmmm.....

I've been doing real well since leaving Mercy. Only having to really fight in one physical area. But my thoughts are my thoughts. And when satan comes in with a lie, I don't believe it. Sometimes I catch it right away, other times it takes a little longer. But never do I own those thoughts. Never do I choose to go with satan. My flesh is weak in this world. I need the Spirit's strength to carry on. We need Him. We can't do it without Him. I choose Him. I choose His Truth. His Word. His Love. His Peace. His Trust. His Patience. His Kindness. His Guidance. His Oneness. His Provision. His Mercy. His Grace. Him!

Sisters: choose to keep fighting. Choose Him. No matter how hard satan is fighting against you and plotting evil in your world. Fight back. Don't lose sight of the freedom God gave you. Don't lose sight of how you have overcome and how your Dad wants so much more for you. Fight back. Read your GCP or your Truth Cards. Read His Word. Speak Truth over yourself. Do not give up! Fight hard. REFUSE to give in. Absolutely refuse! Every day make the choice. Chose Him. Chose to win. Chose to fight. Chose to not give in. Chose to live. Chose to be victorious. Chose the positive. Chose him.

Perfect Weather Trumps The Storms

So, I'm sitting at this computer...next to a window. It's really cold out there, but I'm pretty warm inside. It's supposed to be snowing and all icky and gray. But the sun keeps shinning through the clouds that are moving east. The sun....

I'm reminded that my life is supposed to be cloudy and icky and gray and stormy. I'm reminded that at one point in my life that's how it was predicted to turn out. It would always be that way. I don't know who was the predictor (I'm not sure that's a word but you know what I mean), I'm guessing it was a storm itself. But...The Sun....The Son....

The Son came into my life. The Light. The Warmth. The Comfort. The Peace. The Cool Breeze. The Perfect Weather. The Perfect Day. It all came into my heart. Cleared away the clouds. The lightening stopped. The rain dwindled and the Son began to shine.

And now, every once in awhile, that storm comes back, trying to make its way back into my sun-shinny day. It comes with a cold-front. Then the rain falls heavily. Thunder and lightening roar and do not let up. Eventually the snow turns into a snow blizzard, taking over my life, locking my indoors, isolating me from those outside the storm. There's no safety. I'm lost in a whirlwind of the storm. It's ripping my world apart. There's nothing I can do.

But the Son....

I reach for Him. I call to Him. I don't even know what I'm saying except, "help." I cry out. I read His Word and Promises. I know the calm is coming. The storm cannot lost forever. My Helper is Peace. My Storm Calmer calls back. I hear Him with His army of Angels coming to my rescue. He brings His Heart close to mine and the snow melts. The clouds disappear. The sun comes out again and the grass is green. The breeze is perfect. He's back in control. The storm never had a chance to survive in my life.

And it's official. I have a Rescuer. He helps me in my time of distress. He keeps me close and He hears me when I call. I have a Father who loves me more than I can ever imagine. He takes great care of me. He promises me that He will always be with me, even when I feel distant from Him. He takes all my worries and all my burdens! He calms the storm around me and within me. All it takes is one word: "Jesus"

I love Him more than I'll ever understand. And He loves me. Nothing can ever change that. So though the storms may come and try to overtake this sun-shinny day, they will never succeed! My Perfect Day is here with me always! The storms cannot stay!

A Drive with my Dad

I'm not sure how to start this entry or what it will end up saying. All I know is that I have to write....

Two Sundays ago I was at a conference and on Sunday morning we had a worship service. As I was sitting in my chair, I began to feel overwhelmed by the love of God. He loves all His children soooo deeply and wants nothing more than for them to find their way back home. He showed me their faces and spoke about how He loves them to His very core. Love is Who He is.

Since that day I have found myself paying attention to my thoughts about other people. I've judged, gotten irritated, thought down about others. These thoughts that race threw my mind are not of God. So, I've been reminded to show God's love to everyone I come across. Guide them home by letting God's love shine through. It seems like every day God is trying to teach me more about His love and how my mission in living again is to help show those who are dead how to rise and live in the resurrection power of Christ! But just by simply loving them. Getting to know them. Partaking in some type of activity that builds our friendship. Then, they will see just how different I am from the rest of the world and they will ask questions and I will share with them the transforming power of love my Jesus has used on me. Showing people the door and giving them the chance and ability to walk through.

Well, two nights ago I was on my way home from a wonderful day with my three nieces. But for some reason I couldn't turn down my street, so I kept driving. I took a country road and just kept driving north. I was amazed at what I saw. Fields, covered with snow (but it was as if it was freshly fallen snow because so much melted from the awesome weather we had!). The moon shinning brightly to reveal the beauty of my God. I drove by slowly, taking in the tremendous amount of love I was feeling from God, for myself and for all my brothers and sisters (even the lost ones).

Then, I came up on a few animals who were now road kill. And I heard God tell me that many of His children are much like the animals who have been run over. They are meant to be in the fields and in the woods where it is safe ground. But they get "brave" and venture out into the road without paying attention. They are not fast enough to dodge the cars (sins, bondages, strongholds) that come at them. And the enemy comes to destroy them and wins. But God wants us so much to stay in the fields with Him and not in the dangerous streets.

I took a left on some street. Loved going slow, looking out at the fields. I wanted to pull over and just look but there were no safe places (still a lot of snow banks). I kept hearing God say "Go to them Beloved. Show them My Love." After driving for so long, I realized that I had absolutely no idea where I was. I knew that if I turned around I could get back to where I started. I knew how to retrace my steps. But God just told me to go straight. Then we came to a street that sorta sounded familiar and I turned south. As I followed this street, I knew I wasn't lost because afterall, I could find my way back by turning around. But I was determined to follow God and eventually He led me to the opposite side of my city. A very familiar intersection that I have passed through several times.

Then I got home. I allowed God to take me a completely different way to my final destination. It took me over an hour to get home with this detour, instead of the 4 minutes it would have taken if I just took the path I normally take. And I'm reminded of the Isrealites and how God led them to the desert through Moses to teach them and to stretch them. It took them 40 years to make a 10-day trip. The only difference is that they didn't really learn did they? God was faithful. He provided food and water every day for them. Led them with a cloud in the daytime and a fire in the nighttime. And yet they were still in their slave-mindset and couldn't trust Him fully.

God took me on a journey on Saturday night. He loved on me and called me to love others. He entrusted me with personal time. He cared enough to take the wheel of my car - literally - and take control of my life. I'm so thankful that my Dad cares enough about me and His other children. He's called me to a higher standard.

He's bestowed upon me the mission to help my Beloved brothers and sisters by showing them the familiar road that takes them home and not allow them to turn back and just retrace their steps. After making progress, there is no turning back to the place where you started. It's all foward movement from here. Keep pressing on towards the prize, to which God has called me heavenward! I do love Him, even when the mission feels overwhelming...He is Love!!!

Fall and Rise Again

Can I be honest? Real honest? Without going into too much detail of course.

This week, I fell. I fell hard. It was the first time since I left Mercy that falling actually hurt and truly scared me. I opened a door and let satan run wild. I took part in a bahavior that was not of God. I struggled with many different things in my past and Wednesday, I did one of those things. I dwelt on my behavior. I considered myself bad and fallen and unable to get up.

It saddens my heart to realize that several people that I truly care about and want to have relationships with, open doors to my soul that should not be opened. I have to take caution with those relationships now, so that I no longer allow satan to reign in my soul, where there is no room for him. And it scared me that I couldn't stop myself. I didn't even realize what I was doing. Which is totally different from my thought process because I can catch a lie and take it captive but the behavior just happened and I already did it before I caught myself and stopped. I was scared and hurt and alone.

And yet, I let him in. Guilt, condemnation, depression, more negative behaviors flying all about my head and heart. Trying to hold me down and keep it a secret. I was willing to just stay down and take my beating. Not even attempting to fight back. I bet the enemy was laughing the whole time. Thought he was succeeding in tearing me down. Little did he know that I would turn to my Dad and do things His way.

I confessed to what happened. I told my accountability partner what scared me and why I did it and how I didn't even know what I was doing. I told her everything. I didn't hold anything back. I even cried, the first time since I've been away from Mercy. And you know what she didn't get mad at me. She didn't rush me. She just listened and when I was done she encouraged me. She put things into perspective.

What happens when a child falls and scrapes their knee or bumbs their head? Those few moments right afterwards are scary, hurtful and lonely. But then Daddy and/or Mommy comes running to their side. Scoops them up in their arms and soothes them. Then a minute later they are back to doing exactly what they were doing bebfore they fell.

Well, my minute last a few hours but oh how great it was when my Dad came to sooth me and pick me back up. He held me close. He refused to let me stay fallen. He refused to let me give in and think that by falling I was no longer strong. He gave me Scriptures that showed His love for me. And this morning after getting back up He had me read Isaiah 62 where He tells me that my name Hephzibah (my delight is in her) and not Desolate. I am the City No Longer Deserted. I am Sought After. He comes to save me. He is my Savior. He redeems me and He rescues me. He is my Perfect Father.

And today I can say that I accepted His forgiveness for my sin. I have forgiven myself for sinning. I have moved on. I've learned from falling. And I know now, more than ever, that God is using me to change the lives of the people around me. And satan will do whatever he can to try and stop God from moving but it will not happen. It cannot happen. And therefore, I am moving foward with my Jesus. Sharing Him with the world so that they too may realize how strong God can be in their weakness! He is sooo Good! And I love Him still, even when I fall!

Awakened by God, Even on the Hard to Get Up Mornings

Yesterday morning...I was extremely tried. I had a busy weekend. God worked on my heart all weekend and all I wante to do was rest. But I didn't get home till after midnight and probably didn't go to bed until 1:30am.

So, my alarm goes off at 5:30am and the first thing I do is hit snooze.

Then that still small voice comes back again:

Good morning Beloved. Are you ready?
What do you mean? I've just gone to sleep. Just 5 more minutes.
Don't be silly. We don't compromise. We don't give in.
I know Dad. But I'm so tired. Just let me sleep we can do this another time. Later today we can talk.
Oh no my Precious Daughter, you mean too much to me. Get up. Let's spend this moment together.
Okay Dad. You're right. We made a committ to each other. I will follow through.

So, I get up. I get dressed. Get ready and head downstairs to my favorite chair in the living room! I play the cd that's in my cd player (Christ Tomlin) and I enter into worship with my Dad. I focus my heart and mind on Him. I read the devotional. He guides me back to Isaiah (I've been working on this book for awhile now).

And He just absolutely wrecks my world.

He shares with me how He desires to bless me. He shows me some of the plans He has for my life. Not puting things hold but moving foward in several directions - all guided by His Spirit. He shows me what to say. He says that out of one come many and talks about Abraham and Sarah. I am one but He has a plan to bring many back to Him from my life. He loves me and even more He reiteriated how much He loves every single human being on this planet. How His children are His only desire. He wants them to choose Him but even when they don't, He still loves them.

Last Night.
12:30am - After a very long day and an amazing meeting. I recieve a phone call.

I talk to this person because God loves her. God loves her with an everlasting love and refuses to let her drift again. I talked with her until 3:30 this morning. I don't know if anything God used me to say got to her. I know that I have to be careful with my friend but I am there for her. She is my sister and I will love her the way God loves her.

So, I go to bed...thinking about sleeping in and wishing I didn't have a test in three hours so I could sleep in and skip school.

The alarm goes off at 5:30am. I roll over. Try to fall back asleep. I have the second alarm set for 6:15am. That should be the perfect time to make it to the test!

I hear it again:

Good morning, Beloved!
Good morning Abba! Is it really that time already?
Yes sweet girl. Come away with me for a while. Talk to me.
It's so cold up here Dad. I need more blankets. Can we do this later?
Wake up Precious One. We don't settle. We stick to our committments. Spend time with me today.
Okay, you better keep me warm!

So, I get up and I stayed in my same clothes because I figured there was no point in changing. I only wore the clothes for the meeting anyway so whatever. Plus, I'm tired!!!! I went downstairs, sat in my favorite chair. No music today because I needed to switch it up. I couldn't focus as easily because my body wasn't taken care of. I read the devotional. It was a good one - they always are. And I read Isaiah 53 and 54.

And again I'm reminded of His love and His protection.

I'm reminded of how good He truly is. Even in the lives of the ones struggling, He hears them and still says: "I love you. I'm not going anywhere." He constantly reminds me of His purpose and His role in my life. I'm so thankful my God wakes me up in the morning.

This is a new thing for me. It's only been a week since I made the committment to God. But if you've read any of the entries from last week you know it has been an amazing and eye-opening kind of week! It came down to a decision and a heart-level commitment to start my day off with my Dad, and now He wakes me up in the morning and calls me to come near and spend time with Him. He truly is the Perfect Father!!!! I love Him so much, there is no doubt in my mind, soul or spirit. He is my ABBA FATHER!!!!