Fall and Rise Again

Can I be honest? Real honest? Without going into too much detail of course.

This week, I fell. I fell hard. It was the first time since I left Mercy that falling actually hurt and truly scared me. I opened a door and let satan run wild. I took part in a bahavior that was not of God. I struggled with many different things in my past and Wednesday, I did one of those things. I dwelt on my behavior. I considered myself bad and fallen and unable to get up.

It saddens my heart to realize that several people that I truly care about and want to have relationships with, open doors to my soul that should not be opened. I have to take caution with those relationships now, so that I no longer allow satan to reign in my soul, where there is no room for him. And it scared me that I couldn't stop myself. I didn't even realize what I was doing. Which is totally different from my thought process because I can catch a lie and take it captive but the behavior just happened and I already did it before I caught myself and stopped. I was scared and hurt and alone.

And yet, I let him in. Guilt, condemnation, depression, more negative behaviors flying all about my head and heart. Trying to hold me down and keep it a secret. I was willing to just stay down and take my beating. Not even attempting to fight back. I bet the enemy was laughing the whole time. Thought he was succeeding in tearing me down. Little did he know that I would turn to my Dad and do things His way.

I confessed to what happened. I told my accountability partner what scared me and why I did it and how I didn't even know what I was doing. I told her everything. I didn't hold anything back. I even cried, the first time since I've been away from Mercy. And you know what she didn't get mad at me. She didn't rush me. She just listened and when I was done she encouraged me. She put things into perspective.

What happens when a child falls and scrapes their knee or bumbs their head? Those few moments right afterwards are scary, hurtful and lonely. But then Daddy and/or Mommy comes running to their side. Scoops them up in their arms and soothes them. Then a minute later they are back to doing exactly what they were doing bebfore they fell.

Well, my minute last a few hours but oh how great it was when my Dad came to sooth me and pick me back up. He held me close. He refused to let me stay fallen. He refused to let me give in and think that by falling I was no longer strong. He gave me Scriptures that showed His love for me. And this morning after getting back up He had me read Isaiah 62 where He tells me that my name Hephzibah (my delight is in her) and not Desolate. I am the City No Longer Deserted. I am Sought After. He comes to save me. He is my Savior. He redeems me and He rescues me. He is my Perfect Father.

And today I can say that I accepted His forgiveness for my sin. I have forgiven myself for sinning. I have moved on. I've learned from falling. And I know now, more than ever, that God is using me to change the lives of the people around me. And satan will do whatever he can to try and stop God from moving but it will not happen. It cannot happen. And therefore, I am moving foward with my Jesus. Sharing Him with the world so that they too may realize how strong God can be in their weakness! He is sooo Good! And I love Him still, even when I fall!