A friend of mine asked me if I knew of anyone who has survived domestic violence or sexual abuse. She is looking for a speaker for her classes (she teaches for the local community college). We've have talked before about this subject and so I went ahead and offered my services, though I doubt I'll be a good speaker - I'm much more comfortable with the written expression of my story. Anyway, I told her that if for some reason I am unable to bring myself to speak to her classes then a good movie to show is Bastard Out of Carolina.
The truth is that this movie is a very powerful portrayal of a life that keeps knocking people around. I believe this is a tool that can help someone understand the crazy hectic circumstances that abuse, poverty, hurt, loss and life can bring. Of course, I came home and found it on YouTube and started watching - bad idea!
First off, this is a movie I watched with my mother when I was 13 or 14 and in the midst of experiencing the all too secretive world of sexual abuse. Towards the end of the film, the mother chooses her husband after catching him raping her daughter. My mother's words were, "I can't believe a mother would choose the man over her own child." Thus starting my daily fight with myself regarding speaking out because I assumed my mother would believe me and choose me...
Well, I was wrong. After I turned 18, the truth was revealed through a hospital social worker/therapist - who I am very grateful for today. My mother was quick to turn to her husband, believe his lies and decide that I was sick, looking for attention and lying. This moment in my life set in motion the next few years of wanting nothing else but to die and relieve this planet of my derrangement.
Okay, so at the end of the movie the mother comes back to the daughter and explains how much she loves her husband and how she just can't leave him. She then explains to her daughter how much she loves her.
This makes no sense to me. My own mother would tell me she loved me. I understand holding your baby girl in your arms, making promises to her, loving her with all your heart and wanting only to give her a life you never had. A mother loves her brand new baby girl.
Then life tosses you around, throws hardships at you and expects you to keep you stay standing. So, you find a man to keep your head above the water. Barely breathing, you give your heart to him and let him become your only reason for living.
The man then begins to break your baby girl. He tells her how much he loves her and how much he loves you. He begins to get close to your daughter and you think its great. Then one day, he invites her onto his lap, into his bed or on a drive. Things happen and because he loves her and you, she can't tell you what happened. Her voice is taken from her. Her heart is smashed into a million pieces that she'll never be able to put back together. And you love him.
Finally the truth comes out but your connection with your daughter has been lost. You took it away from her and gave it to your husband. Then, he squashed the little bit that was left of her. Your life affected her in ways you didn't see and now for some reason you love the man more than the promises you made to your sweet, baby girl in the hospital room.
Then you have the horrible idea to tell your daughter you love her. She'll never believe you again. You've broken that bond. She was hoping to find comfort in you and all she found was the empty hospital room with you no where to be found.
You decieve yourself into thinking you have a great life. You think about your baby girl often. You tell yourself you love her and that she'll never know how much. The truth is that you're too broken to stand up for yourself, for you daughter. You're angry with her because he loved her. You're angry because she was stronger than you and fought for her freedom. You'll never again hold your baby girl in your arms and all she'll ever want for the rest of her life is for you to hold her.
The problem is that you broke her hope. You were supposed to be strong for her and instead she had to be strong for you. No one can explain why you chose your daughter's abuser. No one can help her understand why you abandoned her and why he did the things he did. She will forever be without you because even the thought of you, or watching a movie that reminds her of you, will drive her crazy.
Don't you see? She can't believe you ever loved her, no matter how many times you say it, because you left her so that you could love the person who destroyed her. You keep fooling yourself, that somehow she left you. She doesn't want to be around her very real monster and yet you share a bed with him. Your baby girl did nothing to deserve what he did or how you responded to his actions.
You get it yet? You can't love her, not really.
No comments:
Post a Comment