All Those Attempts on My Life

*Note: For anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts this post may be triggering. Please read with caution. There are resources for you at the bottom of this post.*

Another successful suicide. Another soul finding its only solace in the bittersweet escape of death. Another family at a loss for how to proceed. Another life stolen from the world by the devil himself. Another hurting soul who lost all hope for change.

I'm unsure of what happens to a soul when it committs suicide. Does that person get to go to heaven? Do they have to suffer the realms of hell where their life on earth seems like heaven? Do they wait in some wasteland for open arms that never come? If they believe that Jesus died for their sins, surely they will be given an opportunity to spend eternity with Him. But those who committ suicide don't fully understand the gift that was given for them for the chains of hell have kept them in bondage for so long.

Today my prayer is simple: Thank You for not letting me die.

All those attempts on my life: the ones that where I reached out and made it to the hospital for saving, the ones where God spared my life when I told no one, the ones when I was angry for still being alive, angry at God for not wanting me in heaven and angry with the people who loved me enough to force me to the hospital and the ones that were slow and building every day.

All those attempts on my life: the ones where I saw no other option, the ones where I just wanted to escape the ever present pain of abuse and abandonment, the ones where nothing else helped ease my sense of worthlessness, the ones where I believed only God loved me and I had to just be with Him, the ones where I hated myself, the world and everyone in it and the ones where I just didn't know how to keep on living anymore.

Suicide is a evil trick of the devil. He is masterful at whispering those evil beliefs into your ears for your brain and soul to live on. He is a wicked soul who knows that his ultimate destruction is near and we all know misery loves company.

So many people don't understand suicide. If you've never thought it, fought it, attempted it or succeeded at it then you will never fully understand the weight of it on a person's soul.

I am a lucky soul. I have been rescued from the torment of suicide. It no longer controls my every thought. I no longer imagine different scenarios to take myself out of this world. I have been given a new life and with that comes the ability to discern the evil voice of satan from the good, gentle voice of God. My heart breaks when I learn of another person struggling with suicidal thoughts. My heart crumbles when I learn of a successful suicide, especially one within my own community.

I have a unique position in the world because I have both experienced and overcame the spirit of suicide. I also know that suicide is not a mental disorder but a battle in the spiritual realm, a battle for our souls between good and evil. This means that I know anyone who is willing to let God transform their mind can learn to fight this battle and with that experience the life that God created for them to enjoy. With this position comes the responsibility to interceed on behalf of those losing the battle with suicide and teach those who confide in me the way to fight.

My heart is with the families of the ones who have paid the ultimate price in this war. And my heart is forever uplifting those who are still fighting. I promise that if you put in the hard work of renewing your mind, suicide will lose its stronghold on you and you will be able to thank God for not letting you die.

Today my prayer is simple: Thank You for not letting me die.

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R.I.P. Seth 1.9.12

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If you are reading this and struggle at all with suicide please confide in someone you can trust. Your life is too precious to be lost to the devil. If you cannot trust anyone please email me, call the National Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255) or use a resource I used to use - email jo@smartians.org - this is a free email resource where you can pour out your soul and within 24 hours someone will reply to your email to let you know that you are not alone.