Courage from Pain

Your picture is available on facebook. Every time I look at your face, I feel as if I've taken a punch to the stomach. I quite literally feel the pain of your very existence in my life. And everytime I read your wife's statuses I am reminded of how weak she is and how greatly you have conditioned her mind to be solely devoted to you. I look into your eyes in your photograph and I remember the way they told me it was time. I see your smile and I know your teeth are all fake and I can feel your lips on my body. I see that you've lost weight and I can imagine you feel pretty good about yourself. I see the glasses set on your face held in position by your large nose and I see your age and my stomach churns with acid.


Slowly, this happy face of yours reveals the monster that lurks just beneath the surface. I don't know why I look at your picture because every time I do, the fear and shame come rushing to the surface. Your very picture ruins my day and I am doomed to spend the next few hours fighting depression - hoping to succeed and not have to deal with the pain any longer than needed.


And because of the emotions that come from looking at the picture of your evilness, I gain strength knowing that I can fight and overcome you. I must put aside the thoughts regarding my family and how they will respond. I must put aside the feelings that I get when I think about how this will cause drama in their lives. None of them even suspect that I am about to fight you, harder than you've ever been fought. For I am no longer a trapped 11 year old girl fighting for survival. I am a strong, woman of God who knows that what was done to her was extremely wrong. Since the truth has come out, you've been victorious in keeping me from knowing true, unconditional love from my family members. 5 years later, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loves me enough to perfectly orchestrate the persons who will be in the court room with us. I know that somehow, all of this is going to work out because God is in control and He is the One that wants this.



I can't believe its been 6 years since I've been home, since I've been in the same room with you, since I've even spoken your name. In February it will be 6 years since your wife called me, finally knowing the truth about you and telling me that I had just ruined her life. Though, it only seems to have gotten better for the two of you and my mother is now more dependent on you than she's ever been. My heart breaks into a million pieces when I think about all the pain you have caused me and my family. The very thought of going through with this legal process, brings back all the fears that you once controlled me with.

However, this pain that rips apart the center of my soul is exactly what drives me forward. I am pursuing this with God on my side, determined to do all that I can to keep more little girls from the same fate. The wound that bleeds from the simple image of your face is exactly what pushes me towards complete healing. I know that God will be standing next to me, holding me firm and upright as I do what He has asked of me. Through the pain, I am given courage to fight. I am taking back my voice and the control and God is the One I choose to please.