23 1/2 days left....

23 days left until I meet with a legal advocate. 24 days till I make my way to two police stations and change the lives of everyone affected by what the monster did to me. Today, I sat in my living room journaling to my Jesus, and the fear just overwhelmed me. The pain that comes from the very center of my being and tries to overtake my life is often too much to bear. I am grateful for my Savior in these moments because I know that He is right there beside me, protecting me and calming me. Even when the pain is too much, I still feel confident in my decision and I know that this has to be done. As I write, talk and think about the memories that play in my mind, my humanness betrays me and fear, anger, depression and repulsion pulsates through my veins. The pain I keep in a locked vault leaks through the cracks and it takes a Savior to keep me from its devastating power.

In just over 3 weeks, I will have begun to do everything I can to prevent this monster from taking another child into its menacing grip.

I have this thought that keeps coming to mind ever since I thought it in counseling this week. "What if my mother knew?" "What if she 'sold' me to him in exchange for her own happiness?" "What if she wasn't as blind as I thought she was?" My mind plays these tricks on me, attacks from the evil one who wants to keep me quiet and locked in shame. Even if she didn't verbally say this is what she was doing, my feelings and thoughts make it obvious that her happiness was more important than my safety.

And today as I was preparing myself a little more for what's to come after my family becomes aware of the charges being pressed against their beloved father figure, the pain of a life lost was too much to bear. How do I defend my actions to my family members - by telling them of the girl he destroyed, how I will never be the person I could have been. My life ended after that first time and I am only now realizing that I have gotten it back, 100 fold with more to come.

My Savior keeps me safe now. He eases the pain that makes itself known without warning. He dries the tears and comforts me, a sinful human. My Savior is the only thing that keeps me from losing myself to the pain and is helping me to defeat it once and for all by guiding my footsteps and being in complete control.

Today as I feel the pain again, I also feel the comfort and I am so grateful for the comfort.