I wonder who's my god

I wonder who's in control of my life. Have I really and truly allowed God to be center in my day to day living? Is He the one I'm trying to please in my big and small decisions? Or am I simply attempting to control my own destiny without a care in the world?

I am active in my home church. I volunteer in different areas, I babysit some of the children, I attend the retreats and I believe that Jesus died for my sins and that He resurrected from the dead to set me free from captivity and to reconcile me with the Father.

Yet some days I feel like I live a double life.

Eating disorders have been apart of my life for a very long time. If it's not overeating and overindulging its restricting and purging. My life has been a constant cycle through what I should and shouldn't do with food. I have gotten a lot of therapy for a lot of things but its like ED is always off limits. I rarely talk about it with anyone else, my therapist knows its a topic that we do NOT talk about and I can't stand to be around people who talk about weight and food ALL THE TIME!!!!

Today the topic in church was comparing God's Kingdom with the earthly kingdom in which we all reside. My pastor made a very good point that brought me to tears (which is hard to do when I'm working the media booth for the service because I don't always absorb everything). Have I made my stomach my god? Have I let the lies of the enemy control my life? Are the decisions of what I put into my body coming from God or from the world?

Obviously tears only come when the point being talked about is meant just for you in that moment. I have another blog that I keep, a secret diary that I started back in my darkest hours, this is the community I return to when I'm living my secret life, when I'm drinking only water and purging in public bathrooms or into a plastic bag in my car. This is the online community that encourages ED to control my life and the place that I release all the words I can't say aloud and I can't let people in my life to know. This secret online journal brings me to wonder about my double life and who's really running the show.

I wonder what would happen if I attempted to let God control the uncontrollable part of my life. I wonder about all the very real things that will be stirred up and force themselves to be felt and dealt with by releasing control and asking God to help me. I fear that I won't be able to handle it and that there is no one that really understands this world I live in.

Yet here I am, writing this all out and confessing that I the world controls this part of my life and I'm terrified of the emotions that will come with letting God take control of it. But here I sit, in His presence, with all my fear and all my doubts wondering if I'll ever break free from the chains of ED.