Trying to Breathe

I really need to just write this down and get it out before it consumes me any further. I feel like I'm losing the battle again and that the darkness is going to envelope me any minute.

I went to visit my sister and niece so we could celebrate my niece's 2nd birthday. I know that its important to both of us to keep the door open in our relationship and I really thought I had my emotions under control this time. I guess I should know better by now. My sister isn't the problem here, but its everything she represents for me.

She was around when life sucked the most. She is my only link to my family (as I have deleted them all from my fb account). She is happy with them and they are her home. She is the image and desire for a family for me. And while I enjoy her company, it is hard because she lives a very different lifestyle than I am accustomed to in my life. She embodies the life I left behind and the family that betrayed me. And while I don't blame my sister for anything that happened, she too loves my abuser and chooses him. My therapist often asks me why I don't have a serious talk with her and its because I am too afraid she will choose to be in his life and she won't fight for me. I just can't be hurt by family again - I don't think I could survive it.

So now, a few days later, I find myself trying to keep my mind occupied so that I am not crying or letting the thought of self-harm get too strong. I find myself in pain over the decisions my family has made and the fact that I'm back in this small town without my family.

I am grateful for my life here. I have many people who care deeply for me and I for them. I have a great job and friends to hang with. I have a wonderful church where my soul is fed and I am able to serve. I have amazing opportunities to reach into the lives of others and share the love of Christ with them. I have an apartment and food. I am grateful that I no longer live the life I once did.

And yet, even with all that, the wound in my soul aches, threatening to rip open at any time, throwing me into a downward spiral that I won't be able to get out of. It is in this place of pain that I should let someone in and ask them to be there as I cry and yet all I keep doing is fighting the tears away, trying to breathe and regain control of my being. The darkness that waits just inches away for an opening to take me under frightens me into silence and I can't find my voice. I look through my contacts and can't find a person I would want to show this side of me to. It is here that I feel most alone and most worthless.

And while I know my God is not far away, I can't handle going deeper into the wound. I don't think I'd survive the pain that is overwhelming even while I'm keeping it at bay. I'm trying to hear His voice but the pain from inside shouts so loudly. I'm trying to stay calm but the anxiety within has me hyperventilating.

So I smile and I try to breathe......