One Great Liar

My heart breaks open as I continue on this journey. I recently discovered that I may sicker than I thought I was. I discovered that I am a very convincing liar and am able to portray to others exactly what I want them to see. My friend told me that the word "perfectionist" and the thought of me go together. Which was odd to me as I thought about how I've allowed myself to become the weight that I am and how messy my apartment is. I knew how much of a failure I was and how could she not know that too? I knew my thoughts and I knew my actions and I knew that I was farther from perfect than the worse person you could imagine. I knew I wasn't perfect and I definitely was not a "perfectionist."

Then I got to thinking....most people see a smile, know I love God, see my work ethic, see how I take pride in projection being perfect on Sunday mornings and see a giver. I realized as I walked out of my counselor's office this week without confessing to falling into major temptation that there are lots of things she doesn't know about me. I realized this past week or so that I am a great liar and people look at me and think that I have it all together and on the right path...and I have lied to them because I am not those things.

The wounds on my arms, the pounds on my body, the tears I cry and the dark thoughts in my head...those things I keep hidden even from the people I know think they love me and have earned my trust over the years.

As I continue to be honest with myself, I discovered that I don't feel worthy of being loved...still after all this time and graduating Mercy and everything...I still believe that I'm not perfect enough. I hide my imperfections in my weight and my insurance has asked me to work on that in order to keep my benefits - so now my only protection is being taken away from me and I can't handle the pressure. When I focus on that stuff, I get sick..I start purging, negative self-talk becomes rampant and I give in to self-harm.

All I want to be is the person I'm supposed to be at this point in my life. I'm not supposed to be depressed. I'm not supposed to be self-harming. I'm not supposed to feel unloveable. I'm not supposed to be this fat again. I am not supposed to feel distant from God. And I'm not supposed to be sick. I'm supposed to be living in freedom and yet the more honest I get with myself, the more I realize just how trapped I truly am.

My sister very well may be moving out to where the rest of our family is. She's the last thing I have to family and I know that if she moves our relationship with die. I also know, that as the days tick by and nothing comes from making that police report, I just want to take it all back - from the very beginning. I just want to have my mother back and I can't have her back because she belongs to my abuser. And I wonder to myself if on some level if I still feel as though I belong to him....that's really messed up.

I don't want to be this sick person anymore. And yet, I don't know if I'm ready to truly and 100 percent be honest with myself and where I am at currently. Honesty sucks and yet I know its the only way I'll get back to being completely free. But who do I trust with my most dark places? How do I move forward out of the dark? How do I face my fears and live life completely different? How do I move on? How do I do it safely without harming myself in any way?

I don't know what to do about being a liar. And I don't know what to do about these fears of mine.