Today I saw a few pictures from my niece's first birthday party out in Las Vegas where the majority of my mother's side of the family resides. In these photos people were tagged to share the photo with, you know not just who's in the picture but who you want to see the picture...happens all the time. Am I tagged in any of them??? Nope.
I think right now, I'm slowly realizing that my blood family is not my real family. And what sucks is that they all think I am in the wrong here. That all I do is bring drama and what not. But I'm realizing that they just don't care enough about me to really love me the way I need. I spent some time visiting my sister in Chicago and I realized that my life is just so completely different from hers. Different priorities, different beliefs, different goals, different truths, different plans, different everything.
I'm reminded of the fact that I have been saved by grace and that in being sanctified with Christ, I have been set apart. I knew that I was different from my family the whole time. I never felt like I truly belonged with them. It became worse when my step father began abusing me sexually and I hated him and everyone else loved me. I knew I was different and that I just didn't belong there. And now I'm seeing that it is true, only I have the better life.
Its not to say that they live horrible lives, its just more stressed, filled with more discord, dysfunctional in ways. My life is simple, fairly stress free, stable, fun and filled with people who love the Lord. And even though it sucks sometimes that my mom isn't with me, I'm kinda glad, because I don't want a broken woman trying to be a mother to me.
I have a friend who looks at my decision to not speak with my mother and family as if its some horrible thing. But when I made the choice I was not thinking about what they would think or how they would feel, but about how much they tore me down and how miserable my life was with them in it. I am free from their control and I don't submit myself to their wickedness. I can forgive them and pray for them but I do not have to have them in my life.
It sucks because I imagine the conversations I'll have to have with my future husband about family and about my life. It will be extremely difficult to have my first baby and not have my mom there to support me and love me through it. It will also be extremely difficult to explain to my kids why they don't know their grandmother. And it's hard to watch as my mom pours love out on my nephew and niece, knowing that she will not have the chance to do so for my children.
My heart breaks at the reality that my blood family has turned their backs on me and has chosen to stay in darkness with my abuser. But my heart rejoices knowing that I have been adopted into the Family of God and I am the Kid of the King! For the first time in my life I have no major plans for the future. I don't expect anything to happen or to not happen. I have no plans. I'm simply opening myself up to whatever God has in store for me because I want to live the life He planned out and not the one I desire in my flesh.
I pray that my so called "family" opens their eyes to the Truth and the Light one day. When they do, I'll be ready to share with them and love them. But they hold too much power in their darkness and I fear that I may have to stop visiting my sister and my niece. It's not fair but I hate to feel like she's just some spy. I want them to be happy and I feel they never will be with me in the picture. I give up trying to fix it and am beginning to just accept what's happened in my life.
I am blessed by the family I have in this life of Light and Truth and Blessing. I desire to stay here and not go back.
No comments:
Post a Comment