Let's be honest for a moment.
I learned, long ago, that I was in this world alone. No one was going to come and rescue me. No one was going to provide for me. No one was waiting for my phone call. No one was going to protect me. No one was going to be there when I most desperately needed someone.
I learned quickly to be an independent individual, relying on people as little as possible. This of course was difficult as a child, but by the age of 8 I had a pretty strong grasp on how to care for myself and my siblings. By the age of 9 I was traveling several miles to and from school in various routes and with various younger people. At 13, I made my own schedule, pleasing as many people as I could within a 24 hour period. I knew the bus routes, train schedules, and backways to and from places I needed to be by age 15. By the time I was 18, I knew how to seek help from homeless shelters, talk my way out of several types of not-so-great situations and pay bills on time. At 19, I had my very own apartment, was working several jobs, and went to college.
An independent woman. Not needing anything from anyone. I knew what I had to do and I did it. I survived. I made it happen. No one came to help me. Sure people were there, cheering me on, being an option for transportation or shelter every once in a while. But still, it was all on me to survive.
Then. Came. Tonight.
My independent background kicked into hyper gear when my car suddenly made a horrible noise and stopped working. Even once shifted into park, my car was rolling down the hill. I had two teens in my car. What was I to do? I was stranded on the side of the road, not expecting this to happen tonight, with two kids, and no money to pay out big bucks for fixing or for a new vehicle. I pulled myself together, couldn't let the kids see the tears building behind my eyes or the fear that pulsed through my veins. I made a phone call.
Not only did my mechanic friend answer the call, he left work early, walked me through the process, sat with me while we waited for the tow truck, bought me something to eat, and than worked on my car for several hours. His wife, being the amazing friend she is, had no problem letting him drop his husband/father duties for the night to come to my aid. As he worked on the car, I got to hang out with two awesome kiddos.
As I reflected on everything that was happening, I was overwhelmed with emotions I had never felt before and thoughts that had never entered my mind before. Someone had dropped their responsibilities to be there when I need them. Someone had chosen to come when I asked for help. How had this happened? No one has ever done that type of thing for me before. Every time I've reached out to someone in the past, it has not ended well.
The message I received from every previous attempts at asking someone for help in an "emergency" type of situation has been: "You are not worthy of my time. You are not important to me. Figure it out yourself. Don't bother me." And yet, here, tonight, on the side of the road, a man placed in my life (only by God's perfect design), by simply answering the phone and showing up, has shattered that message. He and his family have shown me what it means to have people that I can count on when it matters most.
I'm not saying my fears about people are fixed or the long-time, misguided beliefs are just gone all the sudden. That's just not plausible. But today, I was overcome with the knowledge that those beliefs are not from God and that God has placed people in my life to break those old beliefs. Tonight, I was not in someone's way, I was not an inconvenience, I was not alone. Someone cared enough about me to not leave me on the side of the road to figure it all out by myself. Tonight, I had someone.
And while he may never read this and never know just what an impact his actions had on my life-long held misconceptions about life and people, I will never forget. Tonight, and from this moment on, I will remember his actions and how he, and his family, was there for help. Even the little one who was so excited to help his daddy fix my car. This night, will not be forgotten, and for completely different reasons than my car breaking down.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Thursday, January 23, 2014
A letter to my friends
Dear Women and Girls of All Ages,
There has been something weighing heavy on my heart for a few weeks now. Tonight, as I drove home, this burden became overwhelming and therefore I am writing to you now. This letter is in regards to Lady GaGa's newest song dominating the airwaves. I want to believe that the goal of this song is to be uplifting and filled with "girl power." However, it falls extremely short of this goal.
My dear friends, yes, even those I do not know, be on your guard with this song! The reality we face is that our bodies are intimately connected with our souls, hearts, and minds. The idea that a man "can't have my heart and won't use my mind" yet do whatever he wants with my body without consequence is the biggest lie of our generation. Your body is the vase that holds your very essence. It is imperative that you take a stance and do not let anyone do whatever they want with your vase.
My heart hurts for our generation. After 17 years of people using my body, I can tell you that no matter how hard you try, it will damage your heart, mind, and life. You will lose your voice if you do not exercise your ability to say "NO". In no circumstance should a person allow or invite another to use their body for whatever twisted, disgusting, lustful activities.
Take guard my sisters! Be prepared to protect your bodies, hearts, and minds against the horrible views of the world. There is nothing more valuable than your body, mind, spirit, and soul. You are more precious than silver and rubies. You, yes YOU, are beautiful, exceptionally wonderful, outstandingly and perfectly YOU!!!! Do not let the views of this world ruin who you are.
If I had the power, I would have this song taken off the airways. There is simply no point in exclaiming to a man, or anyone, that he can do whatever he wants to your body. This poorly thought out song points you, my young sisters, towards a life of darkness. Avoid it with all your might.
Sincerely,
A 27 year old female determined to overcome the years spent under the physical control of others.
There has been something weighing heavy on my heart for a few weeks now. Tonight, as I drove home, this burden became overwhelming and therefore I am writing to you now. This letter is in regards to Lady GaGa's newest song dominating the airwaves. I want to believe that the goal of this song is to be uplifting and filled with "girl power." However, it falls extremely short of this goal.
My dear friends, yes, even those I do not know, be on your guard with this song! The reality we face is that our bodies are intimately connected with our souls, hearts, and minds. The idea that a man "can't have my heart and won't use my mind" yet do whatever he wants with my body without consequence is the biggest lie of our generation. Your body is the vase that holds your very essence. It is imperative that you take a stance and do not let anyone do whatever they want with your vase.
My heart hurts for our generation. After 17 years of people using my body, I can tell you that no matter how hard you try, it will damage your heart, mind, and life. You will lose your voice if you do not exercise your ability to say "NO". In no circumstance should a person allow or invite another to use their body for whatever twisted, disgusting, lustful activities.
Take guard my sisters! Be prepared to protect your bodies, hearts, and minds against the horrible views of the world. There is nothing more valuable than your body, mind, spirit, and soul. You are more precious than silver and rubies. You, yes YOU, are beautiful, exceptionally wonderful, outstandingly and perfectly YOU!!!! Do not let the views of this world ruin who you are.
If I had the power, I would have this song taken off the airways. There is simply no point in exclaiming to a man, or anyone, that he can do whatever he wants to your body. This poorly thought out song points you, my young sisters, towards a life of darkness. Avoid it with all your might.
Sincerely,
A 27 year old female determined to overcome the years spent under the physical control of others.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Only the beginning
Only the beginning
These are the words that ring so clear in my ear
Such a great work is taking place within my soul
There is only so much I can control
The Comforter is here to wipe my tears
Especially when I do not understand why they fall
Or why they consume my entire being
Only the beginning
These three words speak truth
A truth that has become a part of my daily review
Not much compares to the inner turmoil
This perfection storm that rages within
Screams filled with horrendous lies and outrageous allegations
This truth begins to calm the thunder and clear the sky
Only the beginning
Within these words, a promise lies
There is much more to this life
The darkness may seem ever present
Yet, the morning brings joy, light, new brilliance
More than I can imagine, more than my dreams can create
Waiting for me to find my way
Only the beginning
The past haunts the present
It threatens the future
but, this transformation, however small
Promises to end the past of its power
And starting today, or yesterday, or last week
Or five years ago, new life has begun
Only the beginning
The work of the Spirit never ceases to amaze me
Why would One care so deeply for me
How could I be so deserving of such patience,
Grace, love, blessing, guidance, and gentleness
It is here that I have begun my journey home
Afterall, it is only the beginning
These are the words that ring so clear in my ear
Such a great work is taking place within my soul
There is only so much I can control
The Comforter is here to wipe my tears
Especially when I do not understand why they fall
Or why they consume my entire being
Only the beginning
These three words speak truth
A truth that has become a part of my daily review
Not much compares to the inner turmoil
This perfection storm that rages within
Screams filled with horrendous lies and outrageous allegations
This truth begins to calm the thunder and clear the sky
Only the beginning
Within these words, a promise lies
There is much more to this life
The darkness may seem ever present
Yet, the morning brings joy, light, new brilliance
More than I can imagine, more than my dreams can create
Waiting for me to find my way
Only the beginning
The past haunts the present
It threatens the future
but, this transformation, however small
Promises to end the past of its power
And starting today, or yesterday, or last week
Or five years ago, new life has begun
Only the beginning
The work of the Spirit never ceases to amaze me
Why would One care so deeply for me
How could I be so deserving of such patience,
Grace, love, blessing, guidance, and gentleness
It is here that I have begun my journey home
Afterall, it is only the beginning
Saturday, September 14, 2013
scary dreams
i had a dream last night. well, I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was inside a building with my sister, who was only a child in my dream. There were people all around us. The people I remember most was this table of men who I think were supposed to be cops or security guards or something.
Then I was attacked.
This man threw me to the ground and held me face down with all of his might. He began to rape me while I had my clothes on and the pain was intense. I screamed out, begged for my sister to kick this man off me. I looked straight into the eyes of men at the nearby table as I screamed for help. They all just looked at me - watching. Their eyes hurt my soul more than this man who was actively raping me in their presence.
I'm not sure exactly what happened next, but I wiggled myself free. I kept thinking that I had to get a good look at what he was wearing and his facial features so I could tell the cops. I wasn't going to let another person rape me and get away with it. I can see this man's face well in my mind, but it's hard to describe his features. I think it was kind of a combination of many different faces.
Next, I was on the bus trying to get to the hospital. I knew I couldn't take my clothes off or shower. I had to get help. I had to have some kind of justice. I didn't know who to call. I was all alone, riding this bus in the middle of the night. I had no clue what happened to my sister. I kept wondering why those men didn't help me. They just sat there and watched the whole thing.
The dream ended with me sitting in the hospital, waiting.
--------------
It wasn't until I opened my tear filled eyes that I realized I was dreaming. I'm not exactly sure what this dream means. Although, as I type about it I'm getting certain impressions.
Clearly, when I was younger I had no one to help me from the bad things that happened. I begged myself to cry out for help but nothing ever came out. Perhaps if I had, nothing would have been done and I would've been extremely alone as a young girl. It was bad enough that the "system" didn't do its job when I did finally speak out and ask for help. I was homeless at 18 as I finished my high school career and began college. What would have happened at 13 if my cries for help were unmet? I shutter to think about what would have become of me.
Maybe this dream was to help me understand that it was okay to wait for help. But my desire to get justice was there. I knew I couldn't let another person hurt me in such awful ways and not go on to live a happy life free from any consequences.
As I wrote about the section when the man is finally off of me, I couldn't help but feel like maybe I did have help in that situation. I don't recall seeing it happen in my dream, but what if God himself helped me out from that man's power? It makes sense. God is the one who stood behind during those most troubling times and helped me break free from the physical bondage of my abuser. Why would He stop just because it's a dream? He wouldn't.
I never ended up getting justice in my dream. I just waited for help from the world that never came. Thank goodness this was only a dream because I was not looking forward to being alone during the struggle again.
I was inside a building with my sister, who was only a child in my dream. There were people all around us. The people I remember most was this table of men who I think were supposed to be cops or security guards or something.
Then I was attacked.
This man threw me to the ground and held me face down with all of his might. He began to rape me while I had my clothes on and the pain was intense. I screamed out, begged for my sister to kick this man off me. I looked straight into the eyes of men at the nearby table as I screamed for help. They all just looked at me - watching. Their eyes hurt my soul more than this man who was actively raping me in their presence.
I'm not sure exactly what happened next, but I wiggled myself free. I kept thinking that I had to get a good look at what he was wearing and his facial features so I could tell the cops. I wasn't going to let another person rape me and get away with it. I can see this man's face well in my mind, but it's hard to describe his features. I think it was kind of a combination of many different faces.
Next, I was on the bus trying to get to the hospital. I knew I couldn't take my clothes off or shower. I had to get help. I had to have some kind of justice. I didn't know who to call. I was all alone, riding this bus in the middle of the night. I had no clue what happened to my sister. I kept wondering why those men didn't help me. They just sat there and watched the whole thing.
The dream ended with me sitting in the hospital, waiting.
--------------
It wasn't until I opened my tear filled eyes that I realized I was dreaming. I'm not exactly sure what this dream means. Although, as I type about it I'm getting certain impressions.
Clearly, when I was younger I had no one to help me from the bad things that happened. I begged myself to cry out for help but nothing ever came out. Perhaps if I had, nothing would have been done and I would've been extremely alone as a young girl. It was bad enough that the "system" didn't do its job when I did finally speak out and ask for help. I was homeless at 18 as I finished my high school career and began college. What would have happened at 13 if my cries for help were unmet? I shutter to think about what would have become of me.
Maybe this dream was to help me understand that it was okay to wait for help. But my desire to get justice was there. I knew I couldn't let another person hurt me in such awful ways and not go on to live a happy life free from any consequences.
As I wrote about the section when the man is finally off of me, I couldn't help but feel like maybe I did have help in that situation. I don't recall seeing it happen in my dream, but what if God himself helped me out from that man's power? It makes sense. God is the one who stood behind during those most troubling times and helped me break free from the physical bondage of my abuser. Why would He stop just because it's a dream? He wouldn't.
I never ended up getting justice in my dream. I just waited for help from the world that never came. Thank goodness this was only a dream because I was not looking forward to being alone during the struggle again.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
An Open Letter to Mothers of Daughters
To the Mothers of Daughters:
Wow! You truly mean the world to your little princess.
To her, you are the epitome of beautiful, the very definition of woman,
and the person she will forever love.
When she is in trouble, save her.
When she gets hurt, comfort her.
When she falls down, help her up.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so fiercely that she will never doubt your feelings.
When she tells you, believe her.
When she hurts you, forgive her.
When she hates you, like her.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so deeply that she may love herself.
When she hides, seek her.
When she comes, receive her.
When she reaches, grasp her.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so completely that she doesn't seek it elsewhere.
When she is weak, be strong.
When she is afraid, be fearless.
When she is wavering, be steady.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so unconditionally that she will know she has a home.
This position in life will forever be your most important. Don't let the world influence your relationship. Be courageous and teach her to never give up. Show her how to defend herself. Be prepared for the rough road. Rejoice when the sea is calm. Press on through the storms. Most importantly: never leave her side.
Sincerely,
A daughter
Wow! You truly mean the world to your little princess.
To her, you are the epitome of beautiful, the very definition of woman,
and the person she will forever love.
When she is in trouble, save her.
When she gets hurt, comfort her.
When she falls down, help her up.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so fiercely that she will never doubt your feelings.
When she tells you, believe her.
When she hurts you, forgive her.
When she hates you, like her.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so deeply that she may love herself.
When she hides, seek her.
When she comes, receive her.
When she reaches, grasp her.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so completely that she doesn't seek it elsewhere.
When she is weak, be strong.
When she is afraid, be fearless.
When she is wavering, be steady.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so unconditionally that she will know she has a home.
This position in life will forever be your most important. Don't let the world influence your relationship. Be courageous and teach her to never give up. Show her how to defend herself. Be prepared for the rough road. Rejoice when the sea is calm. Press on through the storms. Most importantly: never leave her side.
Sincerely,
A daughter
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
A Teacher's Prayer
For the days when I'm called "meanie" over and over again.
For the mornings when I'm hit and have shoes thrown at me.
For the times when I'm told "I hate you" or "I like the other teacher better".
For the days when I am tested and don't get an 'A'.
For the days when tears are ever threatening to fall.
For the moments when I'm overwhelmed by tiny humans.
For days like today.
Oh heavenly Father,
The perfect Teacher and
Most needed Friend.
It has been a rough day.
Please give me the strength to continue.
My flesh is so very weak,
My heart desires to never waiver.
Use me during days like today.
Shine Your light through me,
Even when I fail to keep my cool.
Renew my joy for my job.
Show me once again,
How blessed I am to be in this position.
Allow me to hear Your voice
And share Your kind, gentle words.
Guide my mouth, my hands and my feet.
Forgive me for thinking of harming another.
Forgive me for "losing my cool".
How wonderful are Your ways.
How blessed I am by You.
You show up when I need You most.
Even when I am unaware, You are there.
Comfort my soul as I prepare for tomorrow.
Your mercies are new every morning.
Refresh my spirit and
Allow Your grace to fall upon me.
Be in my classroom.
Send Your love on those children.
Thank You for their beautiful lives.
Amen.
For the mornings when I'm hit and have shoes thrown at me.
For the times when I'm told "I hate you" or "I like the other teacher better".
For the days when I am tested and don't get an 'A'.
For the days when tears are ever threatening to fall.
For the moments when I'm overwhelmed by tiny humans.
For days like today.
Oh heavenly Father,
The perfect Teacher and
Most needed Friend.
It has been a rough day.
Please give me the strength to continue.
My flesh is so very weak,
My heart desires to never waiver.
Use me during days like today.
Shine Your light through me,
Even when I fail to keep my cool.
Renew my joy for my job.
Show me once again,
How blessed I am to be in this position.
Allow me to hear Your voice
And share Your kind, gentle words.
Guide my mouth, my hands and my feet.
Forgive me for thinking of harming another.
Forgive me for "losing my cool".
How wonderful are Your ways.
How blessed I am by You.
You show up when I need You most.
Even when I am unaware, You are there.
Comfort my soul as I prepare for tomorrow.
Your mercies are new every morning.
Refresh my spirit and
Allow Your grace to fall upon me.
Be in my classroom.
Send Your love on those children.
Thank You for their beautiful lives.
Amen.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Life-Long Dreams In The Making
I recently began the second leg of my journey to a bachelor's degree in elementary education. I made up my mind after being let go of my previous full-time job that I would no longer let "life" get in the way of me achieving my life-long goal. Seriously, life long. I remember being in kindergarten and knowing that one day I'd be like Mrs. Bricks. That thought was only solidified in middle school when I had the best math teacher for two years, Ms. Roberson. I even still keep in touch with her from time to time either via facebook, text message or email. How awesome is that? I was even a part of a group called Future Teachers of Chicago and tutored other kids - crazy. Then in high school I had the amazing privilege of learning from some of the best professors in the state of Illinois, if not the country. I was a part of a few summer day camps for kids where we explored science and math and had tons of fun! Seriously, life long dream of mine.
Life got in the way though. Bad things were occurring in my personal life outside of all the school stuff. Being the victim of intense bullying for years only taught me to hold in my love for learning and teaching. I became a silent partaker of sub par education. I was even a victim of bullying within my own household for as long as I can remember. Add in the mental grooming taking place in my 12 and 13 year old head from the man who did horrible things to me and you have one screwed up girl. Somehow I found a way out.
Not just somehow. God made a way for me to escape the prison my life had become. I found that high school and was allowed to live on campus - away from the hell that silenced me and locked me away in a very lonely universe. And I began to understand that freedom was possible. My eyes began to open up to the reality of what my life had become. I didn't have to remain a prisoner in that house. The only problem was that my family wasn't living in a prison - they saw an entirely different person in my warden than I did. And so "life" got in the way once again.
I began a spiral down a dark road that I had entered when only 13 years old. Depression took over and I lost 4 years of my life to the darkness. Deep down God kept pushing me forward, refusing to let the obscene amount of drugs in my system kill me, several times over. And after barely being able to get up and begin my days and only moving forward because I didn't know what else to do...He provided another way out. He provided me the chance to go to Mercy Ministries and I was able to find freedom on a deeper level than just out of physical prison.
He gave me my life back. My dreams back. He revived my joy of life and showed me what it was like to truly live. Although "life" got in the way again of me achieving my dreams because I had to once again find a job and work to survive and provide a safe place to sleep at night. I think I needed those 3.5 years to remember how to enjoy life again. To balance work with friends. I needed the foundation of a good job to endure some heart-wrenching decisions I had to make regarding my family. Once that job had completed its purpose in my life I started to feel trapped again. God provided a way out - I had to be let go or I would have stayed trapped.
Now I'm back on my journey to my elementary education degree to be a middle school math teacher. And it just so happens that as I started that journey, my new job at a daycare needed a substitute in their Pre-K class (a lovely and demanding group of 4 and 5 year olds). You know what...this has been the best week and half of my life! I feel so at home with these kiddos. Letting them play, listening to them during circle time, singing with them, teaching them about science and exploring art projects. It's like God was providing another way for me to see the light - see my purpose.
Right at the beginning of my educational journey, God has shown me gentleness. He uses the staff I work with to encourage me and tell me how good I am with the kids. He opened this window for me to see the beginning of where I am to go in the long run. I don't know exactly what will happen after I get my degree but I know that it will be exactly what God has in mind. Watching some of the kids open up and really feel safe enough to just be kids and have fun learning has been amazing. I know that the time I have spent with them has been well received. I talk about these kids all the time. I am so proud of how much they've blossomed in such little time. They are such a great group of kiddos.
Tonight, I look over my journey so far and I can't believe that I haven't been teaching this whole time. Life has gotten in the way so many times. And I am so tired of letting life push me around and keep me stuck. Now its time for me to partner with God on this journey and walk the path He has laid before me. He has opened so many doors and windows in my life and led me in the right ways. I know I am on the right path with going back to school. And though many people don't understand what I am doing with my life, God knows and I know that He's always got my back. I'm so blessed to get this glimpse into my future and to know that my life will count for something to the children I meet in the classroom. Let the journey begin!
Life got in the way though. Bad things were occurring in my personal life outside of all the school stuff. Being the victim of intense bullying for years only taught me to hold in my love for learning and teaching. I became a silent partaker of sub par education. I was even a victim of bullying within my own household for as long as I can remember. Add in the mental grooming taking place in my 12 and 13 year old head from the man who did horrible things to me and you have one screwed up girl. Somehow I found a way out.
Not just somehow. God made a way for me to escape the prison my life had become. I found that high school and was allowed to live on campus - away from the hell that silenced me and locked me away in a very lonely universe. And I began to understand that freedom was possible. My eyes began to open up to the reality of what my life had become. I didn't have to remain a prisoner in that house. The only problem was that my family wasn't living in a prison - they saw an entirely different person in my warden than I did. And so "life" got in the way once again.
I began a spiral down a dark road that I had entered when only 13 years old. Depression took over and I lost 4 years of my life to the darkness. Deep down God kept pushing me forward, refusing to let the obscene amount of drugs in my system kill me, several times over. And after barely being able to get up and begin my days and only moving forward because I didn't know what else to do...He provided another way out. He provided me the chance to go to Mercy Ministries and I was able to find freedom on a deeper level than just out of physical prison.
He gave me my life back. My dreams back. He revived my joy of life and showed me what it was like to truly live. Although "life" got in the way again of me achieving my dreams because I had to once again find a job and work to survive and provide a safe place to sleep at night. I think I needed those 3.5 years to remember how to enjoy life again. To balance work with friends. I needed the foundation of a good job to endure some heart-wrenching decisions I had to make regarding my family. Once that job had completed its purpose in my life I started to feel trapped again. God provided a way out - I had to be let go or I would have stayed trapped.
Now I'm back on my journey to my elementary education degree to be a middle school math teacher. And it just so happens that as I started that journey, my new job at a daycare needed a substitute in their Pre-K class (a lovely and demanding group of 4 and 5 year olds). You know what...this has been the best week and half of my life! I feel so at home with these kiddos. Letting them play, listening to them during circle time, singing with them, teaching them about science and exploring art projects. It's like God was providing another way for me to see the light - see my purpose.
Right at the beginning of my educational journey, God has shown me gentleness. He uses the staff I work with to encourage me and tell me how good I am with the kids. He opened this window for me to see the beginning of where I am to go in the long run. I don't know exactly what will happen after I get my degree but I know that it will be exactly what God has in mind. Watching some of the kids open up and really feel safe enough to just be kids and have fun learning has been amazing. I know that the time I have spent with them has been well received. I talk about these kids all the time. I am so proud of how much they've blossomed in such little time. They are such a great group of kiddos.
Tonight, I look over my journey so far and I can't believe that I haven't been teaching this whole time. Life has gotten in the way so many times. And I am so tired of letting life push me around and keep me stuck. Now its time for me to partner with God on this journey and walk the path He has laid before me. He has opened so many doors and windows in my life and led me in the right ways. I know I am on the right path with going back to school. And though many people don't understand what I am doing with my life, God knows and I know that He's always got my back. I'm so blessed to get this glimpse into my future and to know that my life will count for something to the children I meet in the classroom. Let the journey begin!
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