I recently began the second leg of my journey to a bachelor's degree in elementary education. I made up my mind after being let go of my previous full-time job that I would no longer let "life" get in the way of me achieving my life-long goal. Seriously, life long. I remember being in kindergarten and knowing that one day I'd be like Mrs. Bricks. That thought was only solidified in middle school when I had the best math teacher for two years, Ms. Roberson. I even still keep in touch with her from time to time either via facebook, text message or email. How awesome is that? I was even a part of a group called Future Teachers of Chicago and tutored other kids - crazy. Then in high school I had the amazing privilege of learning from some of the best professors in the state of Illinois, if not the country. I was a part of a few summer day camps for kids where we explored science and math and had tons of fun! Seriously, life long dream of mine.
Life got in the way though. Bad things were occurring in my personal life outside of all the school stuff. Being the victim of intense bullying for years only taught me to hold in my love for learning and teaching. I became a silent partaker of sub par education. I was even a victim of bullying within my own household for as long as I can remember. Add in the mental grooming taking place in my 12 and 13 year old head from the man who did horrible things to me and you have one screwed up girl. Somehow I found a way out.
Not just somehow. God made a way for me to escape the prison my life had become. I found that high school and was allowed to live on campus - away from the hell that silenced me and locked me away in a very lonely universe. And I began to understand that freedom was possible. My eyes began to open up to the reality of what my life had become. I didn't have to remain a prisoner in that house. The only problem was that my family wasn't living in a prison - they saw an entirely different person in my warden than I did. And so "life" got in the way once again.
I began a spiral down a dark road that I had entered when only 13 years old. Depression took over and I lost 4 years of my life to the darkness. Deep down God kept pushing me forward, refusing to let the obscene amount of drugs in my system kill me, several times over. And after barely being able to get up and begin my days and only moving forward because I didn't know what else to do...He provided another way out. He provided me the chance to go to Mercy Ministries and I was able to find freedom on a deeper level than just out of physical prison.
He gave me my life back. My dreams back. He revived my joy of life and showed me what it was like to truly live. Although "life" got in the way again of me achieving my dreams because I had to once again find a job and work to survive and provide a safe place to sleep at night. I think I needed those 3.5 years to remember how to enjoy life again. To balance work with friends. I needed the foundation of a good job to endure some heart-wrenching decisions I had to make regarding my family. Once that job had completed its purpose in my life I started to feel trapped again. God provided a way out - I had to be let go or I would have stayed trapped.
Now I'm back on my journey to my elementary education degree to be a middle school math teacher. And it just so happens that as I started that journey, my new job at a daycare needed a substitute in their Pre-K class (a lovely and demanding group of 4 and 5 year olds). You know what...this has been the best week and half of my life! I feel so at home with these kiddos. Letting them play, listening to them during circle time, singing with them, teaching them about science and exploring art projects. It's like God was providing another way for me to see the light - see my purpose.
Right at the beginning of my educational journey, God has shown me gentleness. He uses the staff I work with to encourage me and tell me how good I am with the kids. He opened this window for me to see the beginning of where I am to go in the long run. I don't know exactly what will happen after I get my degree but I know that it will be exactly what God has in mind. Watching some of the kids open up and really feel safe enough to just be kids and have fun learning has been amazing. I know that the time I have spent with them has been well received. I talk about these kids all the time. I am so proud of how much they've blossomed in such little time. They are such a great group of kiddos.
Tonight, I look over my journey so far and I can't believe that I haven't been teaching this whole time. Life has gotten in the way so many times. And I am so tired of letting life push me around and keep me stuck. Now its time for me to partner with God on this journey and walk the path He has laid before me. He has opened so many doors and windows in my life and led me in the right ways. I know I am on the right path with going back to school. And though many people don't understand what I am doing with my life, God knows and I know that He's always got my back. I'm so blessed to get this glimpse into my future and to know that my life will count for something to the children I meet in the classroom. Let the journey begin!
Friday, May 24, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
A True Sense of HOME
Today I had the honor and privilege to share part of my "How I found my home" story with my church family along with several others on the creative team. Naturally, when I'm about to share part of my story the enemy tries to counter with all his lies and never ending attempts to destroy my joy.
Anyone who has read my blog before knows the gist of my story so I'm not going to go into it with this post. In fact this post has a lot more to do with the beauty that has come from the all the pain and darkness of my past.
As I thought this week about having a home and "being home," I've realized that I truly am HOME.
This idea of HOME has always been a rough area for me. I never felt like I belonged in the places I grew up in. I never felt like I was a welcomed part of my family. And we moved apartments so often that I never felt stable. Being a grown up now, I can understand there was probably many adult reasons for all the moving but as a child I just assumed we didn't have a place we belonged. And as I spent most of my 18th year homeless and uncertain of what my life was to become it was only solidified that I had no place to call HOME.
I certainly didn't agree with the concept of "no place like home" because I had never experienced having a place or even people that felt like HOME to me. Until one God directed evening when I met the woman who led me HOME.
HOME. I walked into the doors of this new church and my spirit knew it was HOME. Of course the next few years I struggled to understand exactly what a HOME was and how I fit. But the truth is that I was loved in this new HOME and I was accepted with all my junk and all my flaws. I met a few more people and I joined a Life Group and these people slowly became my family.
*Side note: I don't mean to diss on my biological family because they do they best they know how to do or are able to do. But I never knew the type of love from them that I got from these strangers who loved me like God loves me. I believe my family has many evil spirits upon it and they don't know how to fight them, they simply give in to them. Maybe one day I'll get my biological family back but for now I miss them, I pray for them and I do the best I can to forgive the hurt I feel from them.*
HOME. After spending seven months in a Christ-centered treatment program for all the junk I was dealing with, I came HOME. This new family of mine welcomed me back with open arms and homes. They encouraged me on my journey and they supported my goals. And to this day they continue to show an interest in who I am becoming and they encourage me on my journey. This is my HOME.
When I go back to places I used to live, I don't feel this sense of HOME. I get the "no place like HOME" vibe now when I return to this city I had never heard of until I lived in it. I am so beyond blessed to finally have a place to call HOME and to have such incredible, loving people fill my HOME. Seven years ago, I would have never imagined the sense of HOME I now have. And I am overwhelmed by the fact that God has gone before me and He knows my path. If it weren't for a group of people twenty years ago I wouldn't have my HOME. God was creating my family before I even knew I would be without the one I grew up with.
Today I am well aware of the fact that I have a HOME and that I am welcomed and loved beyond anything I could have dreamed of. My God is so gracious and loving and He blesses me more than I could ever think possible!
Anyone who has read my blog before knows the gist of my story so I'm not going to go into it with this post. In fact this post has a lot more to do with the beauty that has come from the all the pain and darkness of my past.
As I thought this week about having a home and "being home," I've realized that I truly am HOME.
This idea of HOME has always been a rough area for me. I never felt like I belonged in the places I grew up in. I never felt like I was a welcomed part of my family. And we moved apartments so often that I never felt stable. Being a grown up now, I can understand there was probably many adult reasons for all the moving but as a child I just assumed we didn't have a place we belonged. And as I spent most of my 18th year homeless and uncertain of what my life was to become it was only solidified that I had no place to call HOME.
I certainly didn't agree with the concept of "no place like home" because I had never experienced having a place or even people that felt like HOME to me. Until one God directed evening when I met the woman who led me HOME.
HOME. I walked into the doors of this new church and my spirit knew it was HOME. Of course the next few years I struggled to understand exactly what a HOME was and how I fit. But the truth is that I was loved in this new HOME and I was accepted with all my junk and all my flaws. I met a few more people and I joined a Life Group and these people slowly became my family.
*Side note: I don't mean to diss on my biological family because they do they best they know how to do or are able to do. But I never knew the type of love from them that I got from these strangers who loved me like God loves me. I believe my family has many evil spirits upon it and they don't know how to fight them, they simply give in to them. Maybe one day I'll get my biological family back but for now I miss them, I pray for them and I do the best I can to forgive the hurt I feel from them.*
HOME. After spending seven months in a Christ-centered treatment program for all the junk I was dealing with, I came HOME. This new family of mine welcomed me back with open arms and homes. They encouraged me on my journey and they supported my goals. And to this day they continue to show an interest in who I am becoming and they encourage me on my journey. This is my HOME.
When I go back to places I used to live, I don't feel this sense of HOME. I get the "no place like HOME" vibe now when I return to this city I had never heard of until I lived in it. I am so beyond blessed to finally have a place to call HOME and to have such incredible, loving people fill my HOME. Seven years ago, I would have never imagined the sense of HOME I now have. And I am overwhelmed by the fact that God has gone before me and He knows my path. If it weren't for a group of people twenty years ago I wouldn't have my HOME. God was creating my family before I even knew I would be without the one I grew up with.
Today I am well aware of the fact that I have a HOME and that I am welcomed and loved beyond anything I could have dreamed of. My God is so gracious and loving and He blesses me more than I could ever think possible!
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Walking MY Path
I've been sitting here for the past few minutes writing. Then I deleted it all. Realizing that I don't want to complain but I want to spread hope with my words. The past 10 days have been a whirlwind. I've realized some things about myself and things are changing. 10 days ago I lost my job. And the fear is that I don't know what is going to happen. Yet I have this peace about me that keeps me from stressing too much right now.
I've been searching for a new job for a long time. I've submitted resumes and I've gone on interviews but I just haven't found the right thing for me next. I need something that will allow me to pay my bills and yet allow me to go to school too. I'm signed up for 17 credits next semester (3 science classes and Calc 2). However will I make it through? Sure unemployment benefits is an option, but for how long and will it allow me to pay rent.
A few months ago I interviewed for a position as a Pre- School teacher at a Christian school. I knew when I submitted my resume that I probably wouldn't meet the state requirements but I went ahead an applied at the urging of a friend. I went through the whole shebang and the director wanted to hire me - like really bad. She worked hard trying to make my experience and little bit of early childhood education credits work but in the end she was unable to hire me because I didn't meet state requirements. Two nights ago, I met a woman who works at the school (we have mutual friends) and just a few moments of spending time with me she said "I know I just met you but I already like you better than the girl we hired. You'd be so much better in the position because she's so reserved and you're not."
"Don't you get it, Tamara. You're not meant to behind a desk all day - stuffed away doing odds and ends and never really interacting with anyone. No. You're meant to be with the children. To be in the schools. To be a light to children who may only live in darkness. You are meant to shine and shine bright. No one should be trying to hide you under a stone and keep you behind a desk, on the other side of the phone line. No, Beloved, You were meant to make a difference in the lives of children and their families. You are the hand they need to hold. You can't get there without working hard and staying behind a desk is not going to get you there. Let Me show you the way."
There is so much confirmation in my life about where I should be headed. You see, Satan already tried to derail my path - several times. And sometimes he reminds me of how he succeeded in keeping me from where I would be if he hadn't intervened. But he never wins. He doesn't get to keep me hidden, afraid to step out and work towards a goal. He no longer gets to keep me stagnate at a comfortable job where my heart said leave but my heart said bills.
I may not know what my entire future holds for me but I do know that I will be a teacher and my life will matter and I will make a difference. I also know that God is with me every step of the way. When I'm on the right path I know it and I was off the path for quite a while as I stayed at the job, unhappy and unfulfilled. This path may be unsteady but my foundation is firm and I follow Him anywhere.
I've been searching for a new job for a long time. I've submitted resumes and I've gone on interviews but I just haven't found the right thing for me next. I need something that will allow me to pay my bills and yet allow me to go to school too. I'm signed up for 17 credits next semester (3 science classes and Calc 2). However will I make it through? Sure unemployment benefits is an option, but for how long and will it allow me to pay rent.
A few months ago I interviewed for a position as a Pre- School teacher at a Christian school. I knew when I submitted my resume that I probably wouldn't meet the state requirements but I went ahead an applied at the urging of a friend. I went through the whole shebang and the director wanted to hire me - like really bad. She worked hard trying to make my experience and little bit of early childhood education credits work but in the end she was unable to hire me because I didn't meet state requirements. Two nights ago, I met a woman who works at the school (we have mutual friends) and just a few moments of spending time with me she said "I know I just met you but I already like you better than the girl we hired. You'd be so much better in the position because she's so reserved and you're not."
"Don't you get it, Tamara. You're not meant to behind a desk all day - stuffed away doing odds and ends and never really interacting with anyone. No. You're meant to be with the children. To be in the schools. To be a light to children who may only live in darkness. You are meant to shine and shine bright. No one should be trying to hide you under a stone and keep you behind a desk, on the other side of the phone line. No, Beloved, You were meant to make a difference in the lives of children and their families. You are the hand they need to hold. You can't get there without working hard and staying behind a desk is not going to get you there. Let Me show you the way."
There is so much confirmation in my life about where I should be headed. You see, Satan already tried to derail my path - several times. And sometimes he reminds me of how he succeeded in keeping me from where I would be if he hadn't intervened. But he never wins. He doesn't get to keep me hidden, afraid to step out and work towards a goal. He no longer gets to keep me stagnate at a comfortable job where my heart said leave but my heart said bills.
I may not know what my entire future holds for me but I do know that I will be a teacher and my life will matter and I will make a difference. I also know that God is with me every step of the way. When I'm on the right path I know it and I was off the path for quite a while as I stayed at the job, unhappy and unfulfilled. This path may be unsteady but my foundation is firm and I follow Him anywhere.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Response to Sandusky
http://sports.yahoo.com/news/ncaaf--jerry-sandusky-delivers-one-final-hateful--haunting-response-to-his-victims.html
After reading this article about Jerry Sandusky's last days before being sentenced to spend the rest of his life in prison, I can't help but fear this is how my abuse thinks.
The author of the article makes this comment regarding the "speech" Sandusky gave before the court at his sentencing: "He wanted them to know: They'll remain his. Forever. That part of Touchdown Jerry, clad in red, remains safe and secure"
I wanted to scream because I felt it to be all too true. Even though he is behind bars and cannot physically hurt these men again, he will go with them into every day of their lives. The evil in this man doesn't allow him to see his actions for what they truly were. And he taunts his victims by telling the court how he will treasure the memories he has.
Unfortunately, the men he hurt will face their own memories and they will not be filled with happy feelings of those days by the pool and the nights away at camp. Instead they will be haunted by the images of him touching them in places they should never have been touched and the extremely mixed feelings of fear and happiness when taking part in those summer camp activities. I imagine that not every memory for the men about Sandusky are sexual which only makes the whole situation even more confusing for the young boys inside each of the survivors.
For some unknown reason to myself I compare the evil in Sandusky to the evil in my own abuser. The person who hurt me is not facing punishment for what he did and instead lives a wonderful life with my mother by his side. Yet the monster in each of them is the same: blind, evil desires to pleasure the flesh without regard to the harm they inflict upon others. They liked what they did. They enjoyed the moments they spent with young people in their beds. Whatever concern they had for the law and right vs wrong was not enough to keep them from giving into their desires and enjoying every single touch, every hug, every time they were around this young souls. The evilness inside of these men controlled their every move and every word.
My heart breaks for the Overcomers of Sandusky's actions. The court uses the word victim, counselors use the word survivor, I use the word Overcomer because there is so much more to breaking free from the horribleness of this type of abuse than just surviving. Many people stay locked up in the silent suffering but the few brave souls who testified against the evil done to them are on their way to overcoming the overwhelming darkness that haunts them and breaking free from the chains Sandusky has attempted to keep them locked into.
I wonder about all the other survivors of this man's actions and how they are doing with everything. They may not have had the strength to speak the words but the memories will continue to haunt them and Sandusky's words were meant for them as well. It was his last attempt to keep them quiet and to keep his control over them. I pray that these men are able to tell someone they trust and begin to move into Overcomer status.
The evilness in this world is beyond my understanding. I'll never understand why the families of men who do such horrible acts can stand by them and support them in their lies and deception. I'll never understand how you can give in to the evil inside yourself to commit such disgusting acts upon an innocent child. And I'll never comprehend the emotions, thoughts and actions of those who abuse children. My own experience has made me unable to believe anyone who would call the victim of their actions a liar or place blame on their victims all to avoid feeling the guilt of what they have done.
As I keep seeing more and more articles come out about the Sandusky trial and his words to the court, I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want him and my abuser to truly see the damage they have caused and to repent for what they have done, to ask forgiveness, to own up to their actions and stop behaving like little boys who got caught sneaking candy they shouldn't have. But that will never happen because of the evilness that resides in their souls keeping them trapped in their darkness of lies and deception that all is good in their world and that they are innocent in all that has been said against them.
After reading this article about Jerry Sandusky's last days before being sentenced to spend the rest of his life in prison, I can't help but fear this is how my abuse thinks.
The author of the article makes this comment regarding the "speech" Sandusky gave before the court at his sentencing: "He wanted them to know: They'll remain his. Forever. That part of Touchdown Jerry, clad in red, remains safe and secure"
I wanted to scream because I felt it to be all too true. Even though he is behind bars and cannot physically hurt these men again, he will go with them into every day of their lives. The evil in this man doesn't allow him to see his actions for what they truly were. And he taunts his victims by telling the court how he will treasure the memories he has.
Unfortunately, the men he hurt will face their own memories and they will not be filled with happy feelings of those days by the pool and the nights away at camp. Instead they will be haunted by the images of him touching them in places they should never have been touched and the extremely mixed feelings of fear and happiness when taking part in those summer camp activities. I imagine that not every memory for the men about Sandusky are sexual which only makes the whole situation even more confusing for the young boys inside each of the survivors.
For some unknown reason to myself I compare the evil in Sandusky to the evil in my own abuser. The person who hurt me is not facing punishment for what he did and instead lives a wonderful life with my mother by his side. Yet the monster in each of them is the same: blind, evil desires to pleasure the flesh without regard to the harm they inflict upon others. They liked what they did. They enjoyed the moments they spent with young people in their beds. Whatever concern they had for the law and right vs wrong was not enough to keep them from giving into their desires and enjoying every single touch, every hug, every time they were around this young souls. The evilness inside of these men controlled their every move and every word.
My heart breaks for the Overcomers of Sandusky's actions. The court uses the word victim, counselors use the word survivor, I use the word Overcomer because there is so much more to breaking free from the horribleness of this type of abuse than just surviving. Many people stay locked up in the silent suffering but the few brave souls who testified against the evil done to them are on their way to overcoming the overwhelming darkness that haunts them and breaking free from the chains Sandusky has attempted to keep them locked into.
I wonder about all the other survivors of this man's actions and how they are doing with everything. They may not have had the strength to speak the words but the memories will continue to haunt them and Sandusky's words were meant for them as well. It was his last attempt to keep them quiet and to keep his control over them. I pray that these men are able to tell someone they trust and begin to move into Overcomer status.
The evilness in this world is beyond my understanding. I'll never understand why the families of men who do such horrible acts can stand by them and support them in their lies and deception. I'll never understand how you can give in to the evil inside yourself to commit such disgusting acts upon an innocent child. And I'll never comprehend the emotions, thoughts and actions of those who abuse children. My own experience has made me unable to believe anyone who would call the victim of their actions a liar or place blame on their victims all to avoid feeling the guilt of what they have done.
As I keep seeing more and more articles come out about the Sandusky trial and his words to the court, I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want him and my abuser to truly see the damage they have caused and to repent for what they have done, to ask forgiveness, to own up to their actions and stop behaving like little boys who got caught sneaking candy they shouldn't have. But that will never happen because of the evilness that resides in their souls keeping them trapped in their darkness of lies and deception that all is good in their world and that they are innocent in all that has been said against them.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Movies on Constant Replay
I can't sleep. My mind has been reeling with memories and images all day long. I tried to get them out and yet I just can't shake them. I can't seem to stop thinking about what has gotten me to this point in my life and where exactly I'm going with it. I can't help but feel like my life has been rerouted from its original plan because of something evil that happened to me when my journey was just beginning. My mind is filled with the possibilities of "what if" and I'm overwhelmed with the fact that is "was not."
All the movies that are on constant replay in my mind drive me insane sometimes. Often times I find myself free to be happy for split instances and then all the sudden images comes flooding back and I'm challenged with the thought that true happiness and fulfillment may never be possible. And that ache from the center of my soul rears its ugly little head and I find myself trying to escape it's death grip on my life.
The pain I feel is so intense and so real that I'll never fully understand its depths. I don't think my human brain is capable of understanding the immense aftermath of the "traumatic event" I survived during those years I lived at home. My therapist switched positions and I haven't been seeing her very often. We tried figuring out if my insurance would cover her and then I got this denial letter stating that even though my diagnosis of "PTSD" is a factor they would not approve continued care. I've tried these last few sessions to just stop seeing her but she won't let me. She doesn't think it would be a good idea. Interesting because I feel like we barely talk about anything important in my healing process anymore just because of the span of time between sessions.
With the realization that I am clinically diagnosed with PTSD is overwhelming to that ache in my center. It's like I'm learning for the first time that maybe this really will never go away. I spend pretty much every waking hour trying to escape and yet the reality is that I never will. And now here I sit unable to escape the reality of my current situation. I know my life isn't bad when I compare it do other lives but this is so not the way I imaged my life going when I was a little girl.
I talked with my dad and grandpa today because I'm going to visit them in a few weeks. I asked about getting together with some of the other family members. He told me all about how they don't talk to him since my grandma died and that it most likely stems from him owing them a few hundred dollars. I wanted to scream and send them the money so that they would talk to him again. I hate that they don't talk to him. I hate that I can't talk to my own family. I hate that my niece's birthday is next week and I can't see her. I hate that I'm stuck on the outside. I hate that it seems lives are moving on all around me and yet I'm stuck, just living my life, unable to really do anything worth anything. Again, my darkness grows a big larger in the pit of my center and I'm challenged with the thought that I could ever do anything worth anything after all I'm just damaged goods.
All these thoughts that stem from these images in my mind are so overwhelming. I try to fight them and I try to escape them. Somehow they always find their way back and when they find me they keep me up causing much anxiety and many tears. My reality is confusing for me. I know I have people who love me deeply and yet I'm not really sure I know what that means. Loving someone was once described to me as meaning that you would cry at their funeral. I'm pretty sure there are many people in my life I would cry for if they died but for some reason I'm unable to believe that anyone would cry for mine. Of course these thoughts just stem from this whole PTSD thing and the pain that rises from within my dark center.
Now that I've written and gotten some of it, I suppose I should try to close my eyes but the fear of knowing what lies in my mind will probably continue to keep me awake (which stinks because I have an early morning and a long day ahead). Oh well. I guess it'll always be this way at least that's what my "diagnosis" tells me...
All the movies that are on constant replay in my mind drive me insane sometimes. Often times I find myself free to be happy for split instances and then all the sudden images comes flooding back and I'm challenged with the thought that true happiness and fulfillment may never be possible. And that ache from the center of my soul rears its ugly little head and I find myself trying to escape it's death grip on my life.
The pain I feel is so intense and so real that I'll never fully understand its depths. I don't think my human brain is capable of understanding the immense aftermath of the "traumatic event" I survived during those years I lived at home. My therapist switched positions and I haven't been seeing her very often. We tried figuring out if my insurance would cover her and then I got this denial letter stating that even though my diagnosis of "PTSD" is a factor they would not approve continued care. I've tried these last few sessions to just stop seeing her but she won't let me. She doesn't think it would be a good idea. Interesting because I feel like we barely talk about anything important in my healing process anymore just because of the span of time between sessions.
With the realization that I am clinically diagnosed with PTSD is overwhelming to that ache in my center. It's like I'm learning for the first time that maybe this really will never go away. I spend pretty much every waking hour trying to escape and yet the reality is that I never will. And now here I sit unable to escape the reality of my current situation. I know my life isn't bad when I compare it do other lives but this is so not the way I imaged my life going when I was a little girl.
I talked with my dad and grandpa today because I'm going to visit them in a few weeks. I asked about getting together with some of the other family members. He told me all about how they don't talk to him since my grandma died and that it most likely stems from him owing them a few hundred dollars. I wanted to scream and send them the money so that they would talk to him again. I hate that they don't talk to him. I hate that I can't talk to my own family. I hate that my niece's birthday is next week and I can't see her. I hate that I'm stuck on the outside. I hate that it seems lives are moving on all around me and yet I'm stuck, just living my life, unable to really do anything worth anything. Again, my darkness grows a big larger in the pit of my center and I'm challenged with the thought that I could ever do anything worth anything after all I'm just damaged goods.
All these thoughts that stem from these images in my mind are so overwhelming. I try to fight them and I try to escape them. Somehow they always find their way back and when they find me they keep me up causing much anxiety and many tears. My reality is confusing for me. I know I have people who love me deeply and yet I'm not really sure I know what that means. Loving someone was once described to me as meaning that you would cry at their funeral. I'm pretty sure there are many people in my life I would cry for if they died but for some reason I'm unable to believe that anyone would cry for mine. Of course these thoughts just stem from this whole PTSD thing and the pain that rises from within my dark center.
Now that I've written and gotten some of it, I suppose I should try to close my eyes but the fear of knowing what lies in my mind will probably continue to keep me awake (which stinks because I have an early morning and a long day ahead). Oh well. I guess it'll always be this way at least that's what my "diagnosis" tells me...
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
I Will Not Be Silenced
Last night after having a fairly nice day I was shocked by something that happened. As my friend and I walked from the library back to the car after our classes were over we were talking about nothing real important. Just having friendly conversation and talking about how we wish there was a coffee place open on that side of town. Then a voice comes from behind us (apparently a class had gotten out and they were all headed back to their cars in silence) and asks in a rather rude and sarcastic tone, "Can you talk any louder?"
I replied with "why yes I can. thank you....at least we're outside."
She got all huffy puffy and walked past us as the rest of her class followed behind in silence most looking at their phones. And I spent the next 10 minute drive back to my friend's house complaining, rather loudly, about how rude this girl was and wondering why she felt my conversation with my friend had any impact on her whatsoever. She was also following incredibly close to us.
10 minutes of my life was way too much time worrying about this girl. Why she felt the need to silence me when I was having a light hearted conversation with my friend is beyond me. And it got me thinking and then this girl became a teaching from my awesome God.
You see, I spent a lot of my years growing up silent. I was under the impression that what I had to say was stupid and not important. And when I finally spoke the truth about my life the people who should have believed did not thus nailing home the fact that my voice was unimportant and my life didn't matter. The enemy of my soul whispered this fact into my ear for many, many years and I began to believe it at a very young age. But through the hard work of learning to take my thoughts captive and replace them with God's truth I have learned that my voice is just as important as anyone else's voice.
It was as if the devil used this girl to try and get to me again, to silence me, to make me feel bad about speaking. The devil doesn't want me speaking, he doesn't want me typing and he definitely doesn't me thinking I have something to say or type. You see, I have a testimony of how God's heart broke for me as a child being forgotten, unloved and abused. My testimony includes the love God had for me when I was stuck in depression and incredibly suicidal. And I have a story that tells of how God reached into my depths and taught me how to live close to His heart and in His truth! The enemy of my soul doesn't like that this is my story because he wanted to keep me in depression and he wanted me to succeed in taking my own life. This demon is after my soul and he will use strangers like this girl to trick me back into his hands. Only, he doesn't succeed.
Perhaps this girl was having a rough day. Maybe she was frustrated with her class. Maybe a loved one has recently passed away and she's struggling to understand. Perhaps she was incredibly focused on whatever she was looking at on her phone and my voice was distracting her. Obviously she has a lot of growing up to do because she could have just asked me nicely to keep it down while we walked but she used a very childish and immature tone. I'm not sure what was going on in her heart and her life at that moment but I'm sure it had nothing to do with the volume of my voice (and ya'll that know me, know that I've got a loud voice that carries a little too well, but that'll come in handy when I'm a teacher). I prayed for her and then went back and enjoyed the night with my friend, watching the premier of a television show and went home and didn't think of her again until I started writing this. I hope today is better for her.
Oh the things I learn from an obvious attack of the enemy. It wasn't the girl, it was satan trying to find a way back into my heart. But the problem with that is I've got God on my side and He likes to show up and fight for and with me when stuff like that happens. For I am the daughter of the Most High King and my voice matters in this world and I will not be silenced!
I replied with "why yes I can. thank you....at least we're outside."
She got all huffy puffy and walked past us as the rest of her class followed behind in silence most looking at their phones. And I spent the next 10 minute drive back to my friend's house complaining, rather loudly, about how rude this girl was and wondering why she felt my conversation with my friend had any impact on her whatsoever. She was also following incredibly close to us.
10 minutes of my life was way too much time worrying about this girl. Why she felt the need to silence me when I was having a light hearted conversation with my friend is beyond me. And it got me thinking and then this girl became a teaching from my awesome God.
You see, I spent a lot of my years growing up silent. I was under the impression that what I had to say was stupid and not important. And when I finally spoke the truth about my life the people who should have believed did not thus nailing home the fact that my voice was unimportant and my life didn't matter. The enemy of my soul whispered this fact into my ear for many, many years and I began to believe it at a very young age. But through the hard work of learning to take my thoughts captive and replace them with God's truth I have learned that my voice is just as important as anyone else's voice.
It was as if the devil used this girl to try and get to me again, to silence me, to make me feel bad about speaking. The devil doesn't want me speaking, he doesn't want me typing and he definitely doesn't me thinking I have something to say or type. You see, I have a testimony of how God's heart broke for me as a child being forgotten, unloved and abused. My testimony includes the love God had for me when I was stuck in depression and incredibly suicidal. And I have a story that tells of how God reached into my depths and taught me how to live close to His heart and in His truth! The enemy of my soul doesn't like that this is my story because he wanted to keep me in depression and he wanted me to succeed in taking my own life. This demon is after my soul and he will use strangers like this girl to trick me back into his hands. Only, he doesn't succeed.
Perhaps this girl was having a rough day. Maybe she was frustrated with her class. Maybe a loved one has recently passed away and she's struggling to understand. Perhaps she was incredibly focused on whatever she was looking at on her phone and my voice was distracting her. Obviously she has a lot of growing up to do because she could have just asked me nicely to keep it down while we walked but she used a very childish and immature tone. I'm not sure what was going on in her heart and her life at that moment but I'm sure it had nothing to do with the volume of my voice (and ya'll that know me, know that I've got a loud voice that carries a little too well, but that'll come in handy when I'm a teacher). I prayed for her and then went back and enjoyed the night with my friend, watching the premier of a television show and went home and didn't think of her again until I started writing this. I hope today is better for her.
Oh the things I learn from an obvious attack of the enemy. It wasn't the girl, it was satan trying to find a way back into my heart. But the problem with that is I've got God on my side and He likes to show up and fight for and with me when stuff like that happens. For I am the daughter of the Most High King and my voice matters in this world and I will not be silenced!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
They love him so much...
It's a punch to stomach every time. Every time a family member of mine shows their love for him. Every time they post about their dad. Every time they love him.
I can't help but be overwhelmed with the possibility that I'm lying. That the devil has caused me to be crazy and to remember things that aren't true. As soon as I read her post that showed her love and respect for this man I was immediately in pain. The physical pain that comes with them loving him knocks the wind out of me every time. And I start to question why?
Why am I here alone? Why does he get my family? Why do they love him so much? Why did they cast me aside so easily? Why do I think I can get over it? Why do continue to fight my reality? Why does he get to be happy and I have to be miserable? Why did he do this to me? Why don't they believe me? Why don't they love me like they love him? Why am I stuck in this place where people think I'm doing great but when my reality sets in I lose all my steam? Why??????
The "whys" overwhelm my senses. The questioning begins. I can't help but feel I'm completely to blame for my pain. I told my mother I couldn't have a relationship with her while she was still with him. I brought the hate my brother feels towards me upon myself. I put my sister in the the position of being my only family left. But I tried with my grandmother the only way I knew how and she ignored me while responding to my cousins. It's like they've all joined forces to love him and hate me.
They physical pain that comes with my reality is often times too much to bear. I'm not sure how I get through it now but somehow I pray that the thoughts in my head that lead to the sharp objects go away. Those voices that tell me how I'll fee better after seeing the red scream in my ear begging me to give in. Are any of my long sleeve shirts clean? Where could you do it?
A whole new set of "whys" enter my mind. Why do they have so much power over me? Why does it hurt so much? Why can't I be free of them? Why does he still control me? Why can't I just enjoy my life here without thinking of them over there? Why am I still so easily hurt by their darkness? Why do I still feel like a victim when it comes to them, to him?
I don't know how I survive the pain any more. It's definitely not on my own strength. The wound in my soul has been ripped open today and it will take a few days to mend again. My broken heart needs the Healer. It wasn't an attack on me by my sister but it was an attack. Who am I to think I could be free of him? Of them?
Shepherd, guide me. Show me the meaning in all of this. Teach me how to break free. Heal this pain that reaches into my inmost depths. Be with me.
I can't help but be overwhelmed with the possibility that I'm lying. That the devil has caused me to be crazy and to remember things that aren't true. As soon as I read her post that showed her love and respect for this man I was immediately in pain. The physical pain that comes with them loving him knocks the wind out of me every time. And I start to question why?
Why am I here alone? Why does he get my family? Why do they love him so much? Why did they cast me aside so easily? Why do I think I can get over it? Why do continue to fight my reality? Why does he get to be happy and I have to be miserable? Why did he do this to me? Why don't they believe me? Why don't they love me like they love him? Why am I stuck in this place where people think I'm doing great but when my reality sets in I lose all my steam? Why??????
The "whys" overwhelm my senses. The questioning begins. I can't help but feel I'm completely to blame for my pain. I told my mother I couldn't have a relationship with her while she was still with him. I brought the hate my brother feels towards me upon myself. I put my sister in the the position of being my only family left. But I tried with my grandmother the only way I knew how and she ignored me while responding to my cousins. It's like they've all joined forces to love him and hate me.
They physical pain that comes with my reality is often times too much to bear. I'm not sure how I get through it now but somehow I pray that the thoughts in my head that lead to the sharp objects go away. Those voices that tell me how I'll fee better after seeing the red scream in my ear begging me to give in. Are any of my long sleeve shirts clean? Where could you do it?
A whole new set of "whys" enter my mind. Why do they have so much power over me? Why does it hurt so much? Why can't I be free of them? Why does he still control me? Why can't I just enjoy my life here without thinking of them over there? Why am I still so easily hurt by their darkness? Why do I still feel like a victim when it comes to them, to him?
I don't know how I survive the pain any more. It's definitely not on my own strength. The wound in my soul has been ripped open today and it will take a few days to mend again. My broken heart needs the Healer. It wasn't an attack on me by my sister but it was an attack. Who am I to think I could be free of him? Of them?
Shepherd, guide me. Show me the meaning in all of this. Teach me how to break free. Heal this pain that reaches into my inmost depths. Be with me.
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