scary dreams

i had a dream last night. well, I guess it was more of a nightmare.

I was inside a building with my sister, who was only a child in my dream. There were people all around us. The people I remember most was this table of men who I think were supposed to be cops or security guards or something.

Then I was attacked.

This man threw me to the ground and held me face down with all of his might. He began to rape me while I had my clothes on and the pain was intense. I screamed out, begged for my sister to kick this man off me. I looked straight into the eyes of men at the nearby table as I screamed for help. They all just looked at me - watching. Their eyes hurt my soul more than this man who was actively raping me in their presence.

I'm not sure exactly what happened next, but I wiggled myself free. I kept thinking that I had to get a good look at what he was wearing and his facial features so I could tell the cops. I wasn't going to let another person rape me and get away with it. I can see this man's face well in my mind, but it's hard to describe his features. I think it was kind of a combination of many different faces.

Next, I was on the bus trying to get to the hospital. I knew I couldn't take my clothes off or shower. I had to get help. I had to have some kind of justice. I didn't know who to call. I was all alone, riding this bus in the middle of the night. I had no clue what happened to my sister. I kept wondering why those men didn't help me. They just sat there and watched the whole thing.

The dream ended with me sitting in the hospital, waiting.

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It wasn't until I opened my tear filled eyes that I realized I was dreaming. I'm not exactly sure what this dream means. Although, as I type about it I'm getting certain impressions.

Clearly, when I was younger I had no one to help me from the bad things that happened. I begged myself to cry out for help but nothing ever came out. Perhaps if I had, nothing would have been done and I would've been extremely alone as a young girl. It was bad enough that the "system" didn't do its job when I did finally speak out and ask for help. I was homeless at 18 as I finished my high school career and began college. What would have happened at 13 if my cries for help were unmet? I shutter to think about what would have become of me.

Maybe this dream was to help me understand that it was okay to wait for help. But my desire to get justice was there. I knew I couldn't let another person hurt me in such awful ways and not go on to live a happy life free from any consequences.

As I wrote about the section when the man is finally off of me, I couldn't help but feel like maybe I did have help in that situation. I don't recall seeing it happen in my dream, but what if God himself helped me out from that man's power? It makes sense. God is the one who stood behind during those most troubling times and helped me break free from the physical bondage of my abuser. Why would He stop just because it's a dream? He wouldn't.

I never ended up getting justice in my dream. I just waited for help from the world that never came. Thank goodness this was only a dream because I was not looking forward to being alone during the struggle again.

An Open Letter to Mothers of Daughters

To the Mothers of Daughters:

Wow! You truly mean the world to your little princess.
To her, you are the epitome of beautiful, the very definition of woman,
and the person she will forever love.

When she is in trouble, save her.
When she gets hurt, comfort her.
When she falls down, help her up.

Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so fiercely that she will never doubt your feelings.

When she tells you, believe her.
When she hurts you, forgive her.
When she hates you, like her.

Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so deeply that she may love herself.

When she hides, seek her.
When she comes, receive her.
When she reaches, grasp her.


Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so completely that she doesn't seek it elsewhere.

When she is weak, be strong.
When she is afraid, be fearless.
When she is wavering, be steady.


Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so unconditionally that she will know she has a home.

This position in life will forever be your most important. Don't let the world influence your relationship. Be courageous and teach her to never give up. Show her how to defend herself. Be prepared for the rough road. Rejoice when the sea is calm. Press on through the storms. Most importantly: never leave her side.

Sincerely,
A daughter

A Teacher's Prayer

For the days when I'm called "meanie" over and over again.
For the mornings when I'm hit and have shoes thrown at me.
For the times when I'm told "I hate you" or "I like the other teacher better".

For the days when I am tested and don't get an 'A'.
For the days when tears are ever threatening to fall.
For the moments when I'm overwhelmed by tiny humans.

For days like today.

Oh heavenly Father,
The perfect Teacher and
Most needed Friend.

It has been a rough day.
Please give me the strength to continue.
My flesh is so very weak,
My heart desires to never waiver.

Use me during days like today.
Shine Your light through me,
Even when I fail to keep my cool.

Renew my joy for my job.
Show me once again,
How blessed I am to be in this position.
Allow me to hear Your voice
And share Your kind, gentle words.

Guide my mouth, my hands and my feet.
Forgive me for thinking of harming another.
Forgive me for "losing my cool".

How wonderful are Your ways.
How blessed I am by You.
You show up when I need You most.
Even when I am unaware, You are there.

Comfort my soul as I prepare for tomorrow.
Your mercies are new every morning.
Refresh my spirit and
Allow Your grace to fall upon me.

Be in my classroom.
Send Your love on those children.
Thank You for their beautiful lives.

Amen.

Life-Long Dreams In The Making

I recently began the second leg of my journey to a bachelor's degree in elementary education. I made up my mind after being let go of my previous full-time job that I would no longer let "life" get in the way of me achieving my life-long goal. Seriously, life long. I remember being in kindergarten and knowing that one day I'd be like Mrs. Bricks. That thought was only solidified in middle school when I had the best math teacher for two years, Ms. Roberson. I even still keep in touch with her from time to time either via facebook, text message or email. How awesome is that? I was even a part of a group called Future Teachers of Chicago and tutored other kids - crazy. Then in high school I had the amazing privilege of learning from some of the best professors in the state of Illinois, if not the country. I was a part of a few summer day camps for kids where we explored science and math and had tons of fun! Seriously, life long dream of mine.

Life got in the way though. Bad things were occurring in my personal life outside of all the school stuff. Being the victim of intense bullying for years only taught me to hold in my love for learning and teaching. I became a silent partaker of sub par education. I was even a victim of bullying within my own household for as long as I can remember. Add in the mental grooming taking place in my 12 and 13 year old head from the man who did horrible things to me and you have one screwed up girl. Somehow I found a way out.

Not just somehow. God made a way for me to escape the prison my life had become. I found that high school and was allowed to live on campus - away from the hell that silenced me and locked me away in a very lonely universe. And I began to understand that freedom was possible. My eyes began to open up to the reality of what my life had become. I didn't have to remain a prisoner in that house. The only problem was that my family wasn't living in a prison - they saw an entirely different person in my warden than I did. And so "life" got in the way once again.

I began a spiral down a dark road that I had entered when only 13 years old. Depression took over and I lost 4 years of my life to the darkness. Deep down God kept pushing me forward, refusing to let the obscene amount of drugs in my system kill me, several times over. And after barely being able to get up and begin my days and only moving forward because I didn't know what else to do...He provided another way out. He provided me the chance to go to Mercy Ministries and I was able to find freedom on a deeper level than just out of physical prison.

He gave me my life back. My dreams back. He revived my joy of life and showed me what it was like to truly live. Although "life" got in the way again of me achieving my dreams because I had to once again find a job and work to survive and provide a safe place to sleep at night. I think I needed those 3.5 years to remember how to enjoy life again. To balance work with friends. I needed the foundation of a good job to endure some heart-wrenching decisions I had to make regarding my family. Once that job had completed its purpose in my life I started to feel trapped again. God provided a way out - I had to be let go or I would have stayed trapped.

Now I'm back on my journey to my elementary education degree to be a middle school math teacher. And it just so happens that as I started that journey, my new job at a daycare needed a substitute in their Pre-K class (a lovely and demanding group of 4 and 5 year olds). You know what...this has been the best week and half of my life! I feel so at home with these kiddos. Letting them play, listening to them during circle time, singing with them, teaching them about science and exploring art projects. It's like God was providing another way for me to see the light - see my purpose.

Right at the beginning of my educational journey, God has shown me gentleness. He uses the staff I work with to encourage me and tell me how good I am with the kids. He opened this window for me to see the beginning of where I am to go in the long run. I don't know exactly what will happen after I get my degree but I know that it will be exactly what God has in mind. Watching some of the kids open up and really feel safe enough to just be kids and have fun learning has been amazing. I know that the time I have spent with them has been well received. I talk about these kids all the time. I am so proud of how much they've blossomed in such little time. They are such a great group of kiddos.

Tonight, I look over my journey so far and I can't believe that I haven't been teaching this whole time. Life has gotten in the way so many times. And I am so tired of letting life push me around and keep me stuck. Now its time for me to partner with God on this journey and walk the path He has laid before me. He has opened so many doors and windows in my life and led me in the right ways. I know I am on the right path with going back to school. And though many people don't understand what I am doing with my life, God knows and I know that He's always got my back. I'm so blessed to get this glimpse into my future and to know that my life will count for something to the children I meet in the classroom. Let the journey begin!

A True Sense of HOME

Today I had the honor and privilege to share part of my "How I found my home" story with my church family along with several others on the creative team. Naturally, when I'm about to share part of my story the enemy tries to counter with all his lies and never ending attempts to destroy my joy.

Anyone who has read my blog before knows the gist of my story so I'm not going to go into it with this post. In fact this post has a lot more to do with the beauty that has come from the all the pain and darkness of my past.

As I thought this week about having a home and "being home," I've realized that I truly am HOME.

This idea of HOME has always been a rough area for me. I never felt like I belonged in the places I grew up in. I never felt like I was a welcomed part of my family. And we moved apartments so often that I never felt stable. Being a grown up now, I can understand there was probably many adult reasons for all the moving but as a child I just assumed we didn't have a place we belonged. And as I spent most of my 18th year homeless and uncertain of what my life was to become it was only solidified that I had no place to call HOME.

I certainly didn't agree with the concept of "no place like home" because I had never experienced having a place or even people that felt like HOME to me. Until one God directed evening when I met the woman who led me HOME.

HOME. I walked into the doors of this new church and my spirit knew it was HOME. Of course the next few years I struggled to understand exactly what a HOME was and how I fit. But the truth is that I was loved in this new HOME and I was accepted with all my junk and all my flaws. I met a few more people and I joined a Life Group and these people slowly became my family.

*Side note: I don't mean to diss on my biological family because they do they best they know how to do or are able to do. But I never knew the type of love from them that I got from these strangers who loved me like God loves me. I believe my family has many evil spirits upon it and they don't know how to fight them, they simply give in to them. Maybe one day I'll get my biological family back but for now I miss them, I pray for them and I do the best I can to forgive the hurt I feel from them.*

HOME. After spending seven months in a Christ-centered treatment program for all the junk I was dealing with, I came HOME. This new family of mine welcomed me back with open arms and homes. They encouraged me on my journey and they supported my goals. And to this day they continue to show an interest in who I am becoming and they encourage me on my journey. This is my HOME.

When I go back to places I used to live, I don't feel this sense of HOME. I get the "no place like HOME" vibe now when I return to this city I had never heard of until I lived in it. I am so beyond blessed to finally have a place to call HOME and to have such incredible, loving people fill my HOME. Seven years ago, I would have never imagined the sense of HOME I now have. And I am overwhelmed by the fact that God has gone before me and He knows my path. If it weren't for a group of people twenty years ago I wouldn't have my HOME. God was creating my family before I even knew I would be without the one I grew up with.

Today I am well aware of the fact that I have a HOME and that I am welcomed and loved beyond anything I could have dreamed of. My God is so gracious and loving and He blesses me more than I could ever think possible!

Walking MY Path

I've been sitting here for the past few minutes writing. Then I deleted it all. Realizing that I don't want to complain but I want to spread hope with my words. The past 10 days have been a whirlwind. I've realized some things about myself and things are changing. 10 days ago I lost my job. And the fear is that I don't know what is going to happen. Yet I have this peace about me that keeps me from stressing too much right now.

I've been searching for a new job for a long time. I've submitted resumes and I've gone on interviews but I just haven't found the right thing for me next. I need something that will allow me to pay my bills and yet allow me to go to school too. I'm signed up for 17 credits next semester (3 science classes and Calc 2). However will I make it through? Sure unemployment benefits is an option, but for how long and will it allow me to pay rent.

A few months ago I interviewed for a position as a Pre- School teacher at a Christian school. I knew when I submitted my resume that I probably wouldn't meet the state requirements but I went ahead an applied at the urging of a friend. I went through the whole shebang and the director wanted to hire me - like really bad. She worked hard trying to make my experience and little bit of early childhood education credits work but in the end she was unable to hire me because I didn't meet state requirements. Two nights ago, I met a woman who works at the school (we have mutual friends) and just a few moments of spending time with me she said "I know I just met you but I already like you better than the girl we hired. You'd be so much better in the position because she's so reserved and you're not."

"Don't you get it, Tamara. You're not meant to behind a desk all day - stuffed away doing odds and ends and never really interacting with anyone. No. You're meant to be with the children. To be in the schools. To be a light to children who may only live in darkness. You are meant to shine and shine bright. No one should be trying to hide you under a stone and keep you behind a desk, on the other side of the phone line. No, Beloved, You were meant to make a difference in the lives of children and their families. You are the hand they need to hold. You can't get there without working hard and staying behind a desk is not going to get you there. Let Me show you the way."

There is so much confirmation in my life about where I should be headed. You see, Satan already tried to derail my path - several times. And sometimes he reminds me of how he succeeded in keeping me from where I would be if he hadn't intervened. But he never wins. He doesn't get to keep me hidden, afraid to step out and work towards a goal. He no longer gets to keep me stagnate at a comfortable job where my heart said leave but my heart said bills.

I may not know what my entire future holds for me but I do know that I will be a teacher and my life will matter and I will make a difference. I also know that God is with me every step of the way. When I'm on the right path I know it and I was off the path for quite a while as I stayed at the job, unhappy and unfulfilled. This path may be unsteady but my foundation is firm and I follow Him anywhere.

Response to Sandusky

http://sports.yahoo.com/news/ncaaf--jerry-sandusky-delivers-one-final-hateful--haunting-response-to-his-victims.html

After reading this article about Jerry Sandusky's last days before being sentenced to spend the rest of his life in prison, I can't help but fear this is how my abuse thinks.

The author of the article makes this comment regarding the "speech" Sandusky gave before the court at his sentencing: "He wanted them to know: They'll remain his. Forever. That part of Touchdown Jerry, clad in red, remains safe and secure"

I wanted to scream because I felt it to be all too true. Even though he is behind bars and cannot physically hurt these men again, he will go with them into every day of their lives. The evil in this man doesn't allow him to see his actions for what they truly were. And he taunts his victims by telling the court how he will treasure the memories he has.

Unfortunately, the men he hurt will face their own memories and they will not be filled with happy feelings of those days by the pool and the nights away at camp. Instead they will be haunted by the images of him touching them in places they should never have been touched and the extremely mixed feelings of fear and happiness when taking part in those summer camp activities. I imagine that not every memory for the men about Sandusky are sexual which only makes the whole situation even more confusing for the young boys inside each of the survivors.

For some unknown reason to myself I compare the evil in Sandusky to the evil in my own abuser. The person who hurt me is not facing punishment for what he did and instead lives a wonderful life with my mother by his side. Yet the monster in each of them is the same: blind, evil desires to pleasure the flesh without regard to the harm they inflict upon others. They liked what they did. They enjoyed the moments they spent with young people in their beds. Whatever concern they had for the law and right vs wrong was not enough to keep them from giving into their desires and enjoying every single touch, every hug, every time they were around this young souls. The evilness inside of these men controlled their every move and every word.

My heart breaks for the Overcomers of Sandusky's actions. The court uses the word victim, counselors use the word survivor, I use the word Overcomer because there is so much more to breaking free from the horribleness of this type of abuse than just surviving. Many people stay locked up in the silent suffering but the few brave souls who testified against the evil done to them are on their way to overcoming the overwhelming darkness that haunts them and breaking free from the chains Sandusky has attempted to keep them locked into.

I wonder about all the other survivors of this man's actions and how they are doing with everything. They may not have had the strength to speak the words but the memories will continue to haunt them and Sandusky's words were meant for them as well. It was his last attempt to keep them quiet and to keep his control over them. I pray that these men are able to tell someone they trust and begin to move into Overcomer status.

The evilness in this world is beyond my understanding. I'll never understand why the families of men who do such horrible acts can stand by them and support them in their lies and deception. I'll never understand how you can give in to the evil inside yourself to commit such disgusting acts upon an innocent child. And I'll never comprehend the emotions, thoughts and actions of those who abuse children. My own experience has made me unable to believe anyone who would call the victim of their actions a liar or place blame on their victims all to avoid feeling the guilt of what they have done.

As I keep seeing more and more articles come out about the Sandusky trial and his words to the court, I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want him and my abuser to truly see the damage they have caused and to repent for what they have done, to ask forgiveness, to own up to their actions and stop behaving like little boys who got caught sneaking candy they shouldn't have. But that will never happen because of the evilness that resides in their souls keeping them trapped in their darkness of lies and deception that all is good in their world and that they are innocent in all that has been said against them.