First, I know it's been a long while since I've written on this blog. I created another blog during my Haiti adventure over New Year's 2014-2015. I have not done much posting for the public since then and here I am writing again.
Preparation. It's a wonderful thing. It gets you ready to face whatever the future may hold. Before going to Haiti, we had informational meetings where I learned what to expect, I visited my doctor and got up to date immunizations, and I spoke with and listened to God as I prepared physically, mentally, and emotionally for a trip that has changed the way I view my world. During my time within the school walls in Haiti, I had big dreams of bringing science and math alive to the children who attended. Like most of my big dreams, they got pushed aside to focus on life demands.
Over the past few years, I've worked as a preschool teacher, gone to school for education, and served as substitute teacher. Way back when I was in Kindergarten I remember thinking of how I was going to grow up and be just like my teacher (Mrs. Bricks - weird how I still know her name). In middle school, I was once again reminded of the influence that teachers can have on students going through traumatic and not so traumatic life situations. I set in my heart to become a teacher.
It's been 15 years and I'm still not an elementary school teacher with her own classroom. That's okay. God has prepared a path before me that I believe I am to travel. With the four-year degree that I now possess and the undeniable favor of my God, I remembered why I wanted to get my degree. I wanted to teach overseas with the Peace Corps. Through one of the elders at my church, God spoke to me and said, "Do it." So, I did some research, found the most perfect position, and applied.
While I may not know with 100% certainty that I have been accepted for this position, I believe that God has set in motion and laid the foundation for this journey. Now, I prepare. I prepare my house, my belongings, my body, my mind, my emotions. It's like preparing for rain.
Though my mind doubts, my heart never waivers from the reality of this journey; even more so now than a week ago. This past week the Missions and Outreach ministries of our church had a time of celebration and remembering of the work done over the past 25 years. After we talked and shared, my Pastor asked God to give us each a word that we could hold onto. The word given to me was "Prepare." I had visions of my time with the Peace Corps and what it would mean for my future relationship with the children of Haiti.
"I am preparing you, Beloved."
We then ended our prayers with a hymn,
"Lord prepare me / to be a sanctuary / pure and holy / tried and true
With thanksgiving / I'll be a living / sanctuary / for You"
Even just writing this, I have tears behind my eyes and goosebumps on my arms. I am still being prepared for the rest of my journey. There is so much going on in my heart. The seasons are changing in my story and I am getting ready to embrace the change and go where the wind (God controls that too) takes me!
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Learning from Youngins...Again
Let me share with you the thoughts running through my head over the past several weeks.
I have this amazing privilege of being trusted to care for the child of various families. And, for some unknown reason, these children love having me around and I love caring for them. These little souls are constantly teaching me what it means to have childlike faith and to put God first in all I do. The wonder they have when they look upon the world and the determination they show when they face an obstacle is contagious. They teach and remind me of what's most important in life every time I'm around them.
All of the children reach into my soul this way. They test me and help me grown in patience, kindness, determination, love, choice-making, and even fear. Yup. Fear.
As a kid, I grew up with a lot of fear. Many of you reading this know parts of my past. As I continue on the healing journey, I learn of more darkness and fear that gripped the heart and spirit of that little girl so many years ago. Even as an adult fear controls my choices. Sometimes its for the best and sometimes it is to my detriment. These children teach me how to face fear head on and to overcome even when my legs are frozen and voice is shaking.
A few weeks ago, I was putting a few of these little to bed. As I pat the back on the eldest child, I looked upon him and was overcome with a sense of safety. Though I cannot determine that he will never face harm, I knew, at that moment, he was safe. His siblings were safe. I was safe. No one and no thing was going to harm this beautiful, innocent child. He has parents that provide for his needs. So much so that he is determined to make sure life is "fair" and that he wins and succeeds at whatever he puts his mind to. The kicker, every adult in this child's life will always be there to support him. Through thick and thin, better or worse. He is safe and is providing safety for his younger siblings. This child does not live in fear. He faces fear head-on, even when it is scary.
Then, this past weekend, I had the opportunity to go to a 1 Direction concert. I took three young girls and we sat among thousands of other young girls (and some guys) as they experienced the best night of their young lives. My heart was overwhelmed with a sense of fear for these young people. In my heart of hearts, I knew that many, many, many, of these young people were not safe. They'd go home to fear-driven lives. Perhaps, even before coming to the concert they had been hurt by someone they were supposed to trust. Maybe they were struggling with depression or self-harm. I found myself struggling with my human instinct to judge the families who spent thousands of dollars on floor seats while I sat in the upper section. I was challenged to look upon these girls and feel sorry for the little girl who never got the opportunity to attend a concert. As I watched the young girls I brought with me, I just knew they were making memories to last their entire lives. They were experiencing something wonderful. All of the young girls in that field were happy and carefree for at least three hours. But, I had no idea what they may be going home to and what they'd have to face in the car ride home.
See, constantly learning and being stretch by young people. I am beyond grateful for the life I have now. I am safe now. I no longer go home afraid of what may happen. I provide for myself...well, God provides for me...and I do not fret over having enough to eat. As an adult, I have this amazing position with the young people I am around. I get to be the non-parent that kids talk to about life. I get to be an example of what it means to live courageously and follow the path laid before me. I get to be "Ti-Ti" to more young people than I could have ever imagined. Some of these children will need an advocate, a voice and a comforter. But all of them will be safe with me because I am now safe. No matter what - I am available when they call and do not judge. They can talk or text or type or scream or write or sleep or cry and I will listen, respond, comfort and pray.
To the young people in my life reading this: Know that I am always here. I have experienced more than you think possible. You are safe in my presence. I know how hard it is to trust someone but you do not have to face the world alone. Parents might not understand but I am so glad they trust me to be a sounding board and listening ear for you. Whatever you need, I'm here, whenever and always. Be strong. Be courageous. You are worth it. You are amazing. You can do this thing!!!
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Life-Long Beliefs....Broken
Let's be honest for a moment.
I learned, long ago, that I was in this world alone. No one was going to come and rescue me. No one was going to provide for me. No one was waiting for my phone call. No one was going to protect me. No one was going to be there when I most desperately needed someone.
I learned quickly to be an independent individual, relying on people as little as possible. This of course was difficult as a child, but by the age of 8 I had a pretty strong grasp on how to care for myself and my siblings. By the age of 9 I was traveling several miles to and from school in various routes and with various younger people. At 13, I made my own schedule, pleasing as many people as I could within a 24 hour period. I knew the bus routes, train schedules, and backways to and from places I needed to be by age 15. By the time I was 18, I knew how to seek help from homeless shelters, talk my way out of several types of not-so-great situations and pay bills on time. At 19, I had my very own apartment, was working several jobs, and went to college.
An independent woman. Not needing anything from anyone. I knew what I had to do and I did it. I survived. I made it happen. No one came to help me. Sure people were there, cheering me on, being an option for transportation or shelter every once in a while. But still, it was all on me to survive.
Then. Came. Tonight.
My independent background kicked into hyper gear when my car suddenly made a horrible noise and stopped working. Even once shifted into park, my car was rolling down the hill. I had two teens in my car. What was I to do? I was stranded on the side of the road, not expecting this to happen tonight, with two kids, and no money to pay out big bucks for fixing or for a new vehicle. I pulled myself together, couldn't let the kids see the tears building behind my eyes or the fear that pulsed through my veins. I made a phone call.
Not only did my mechanic friend answer the call, he left work early, walked me through the process, sat with me while we waited for the tow truck, bought me something to eat, and than worked on my car for several hours. His wife, being the amazing friend she is, had no problem letting him drop his husband/father duties for the night to come to my aid. As he worked on the car, I got to hang out with two awesome kiddos.
As I reflected on everything that was happening, I was overwhelmed with emotions I had never felt before and thoughts that had never entered my mind before. Someone had dropped their responsibilities to be there when I need them. Someone had chosen to come when I asked for help. How had this happened? No one has ever done that type of thing for me before. Every time I've reached out to someone in the past, it has not ended well.
The message I received from every previous attempts at asking someone for help in an "emergency" type of situation has been: "You are not worthy of my time. You are not important to me. Figure it out yourself. Don't bother me." And yet, here, tonight, on the side of the road, a man placed in my life (only by God's perfect design), by simply answering the phone and showing up, has shattered that message. He and his family have shown me what it means to have people that I can count on when it matters most.
I'm not saying my fears about people are fixed or the long-time, misguided beliefs are just gone all the sudden. That's just not plausible. But today, I was overcome with the knowledge that those beliefs are not from God and that God has placed people in my life to break those old beliefs. Tonight, I was not in someone's way, I was not an inconvenience, I was not alone. Someone cared enough about me to not leave me on the side of the road to figure it all out by myself. Tonight, I had someone.
And while he may never read this and never know just what an impact his actions had on my life-long held misconceptions about life and people, I will never forget. Tonight, and from this moment on, I will remember his actions and how he, and his family, was there for help. Even the little one who was so excited to help his daddy fix my car. This night, will not be forgotten, and for completely different reasons than my car breaking down.
I learned, long ago, that I was in this world alone. No one was going to come and rescue me. No one was going to provide for me. No one was waiting for my phone call. No one was going to protect me. No one was going to be there when I most desperately needed someone.
I learned quickly to be an independent individual, relying on people as little as possible. This of course was difficult as a child, but by the age of 8 I had a pretty strong grasp on how to care for myself and my siblings. By the age of 9 I was traveling several miles to and from school in various routes and with various younger people. At 13, I made my own schedule, pleasing as many people as I could within a 24 hour period. I knew the bus routes, train schedules, and backways to and from places I needed to be by age 15. By the time I was 18, I knew how to seek help from homeless shelters, talk my way out of several types of not-so-great situations and pay bills on time. At 19, I had my very own apartment, was working several jobs, and went to college.
An independent woman. Not needing anything from anyone. I knew what I had to do and I did it. I survived. I made it happen. No one came to help me. Sure people were there, cheering me on, being an option for transportation or shelter every once in a while. But still, it was all on me to survive.
Then. Came. Tonight.
My independent background kicked into hyper gear when my car suddenly made a horrible noise and stopped working. Even once shifted into park, my car was rolling down the hill. I had two teens in my car. What was I to do? I was stranded on the side of the road, not expecting this to happen tonight, with two kids, and no money to pay out big bucks for fixing or for a new vehicle. I pulled myself together, couldn't let the kids see the tears building behind my eyes or the fear that pulsed through my veins. I made a phone call.
Not only did my mechanic friend answer the call, he left work early, walked me through the process, sat with me while we waited for the tow truck, bought me something to eat, and than worked on my car for several hours. His wife, being the amazing friend she is, had no problem letting him drop his husband/father duties for the night to come to my aid. As he worked on the car, I got to hang out with two awesome kiddos.
As I reflected on everything that was happening, I was overwhelmed with emotions I had never felt before and thoughts that had never entered my mind before. Someone had dropped their responsibilities to be there when I need them. Someone had chosen to come when I asked for help. How had this happened? No one has ever done that type of thing for me before. Every time I've reached out to someone in the past, it has not ended well.
The message I received from every previous attempts at asking someone for help in an "emergency" type of situation has been: "You are not worthy of my time. You are not important to me. Figure it out yourself. Don't bother me." And yet, here, tonight, on the side of the road, a man placed in my life (only by God's perfect design), by simply answering the phone and showing up, has shattered that message. He and his family have shown me what it means to have people that I can count on when it matters most.
I'm not saying my fears about people are fixed or the long-time, misguided beliefs are just gone all the sudden. That's just not plausible. But today, I was overcome with the knowledge that those beliefs are not from God and that God has placed people in my life to break those old beliefs. Tonight, I was not in someone's way, I was not an inconvenience, I was not alone. Someone cared enough about me to not leave me on the side of the road to figure it all out by myself. Tonight, I had someone.
And while he may never read this and never know just what an impact his actions had on my life-long held misconceptions about life and people, I will never forget. Tonight, and from this moment on, I will remember his actions and how he, and his family, was there for help. Even the little one who was so excited to help his daddy fix my car. This night, will not be forgotten, and for completely different reasons than my car breaking down.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
A letter to my friends
Dear Women and Girls of All Ages,
There has been something weighing heavy on my heart for a few weeks now. Tonight, as I drove home, this burden became overwhelming and therefore I am writing to you now. This letter is in regards to Lady GaGa's newest song dominating the airwaves. I want to believe that the goal of this song is to be uplifting and filled with "girl power." However, it falls extremely short of this goal.
My dear friends, yes, even those I do not know, be on your guard with this song! The reality we face is that our bodies are intimately connected with our souls, hearts, and minds. The idea that a man "can't have my heart and won't use my mind" yet do whatever he wants with my body without consequence is the biggest lie of our generation. Your body is the vase that holds your very essence. It is imperative that you take a stance and do not let anyone do whatever they want with your vase.
My heart hurts for our generation. After 17 years of people using my body, I can tell you that no matter how hard you try, it will damage your heart, mind, and life. You will lose your voice if you do not exercise your ability to say "NO". In no circumstance should a person allow or invite another to use their body for whatever twisted, disgusting, lustful activities.
Take guard my sisters! Be prepared to protect your bodies, hearts, and minds against the horrible views of the world. There is nothing more valuable than your body, mind, spirit, and soul. You are more precious than silver and rubies. You, yes YOU, are beautiful, exceptionally wonderful, outstandingly and perfectly YOU!!!! Do not let the views of this world ruin who you are.
If I had the power, I would have this song taken off the airways. There is simply no point in exclaiming to a man, or anyone, that he can do whatever he wants to your body. This poorly thought out song points you, my young sisters, towards a life of darkness. Avoid it with all your might.
Sincerely,
A 27 year old female determined to overcome the years spent under the physical control of others.
There has been something weighing heavy on my heart for a few weeks now. Tonight, as I drove home, this burden became overwhelming and therefore I am writing to you now. This letter is in regards to Lady GaGa's newest song dominating the airwaves. I want to believe that the goal of this song is to be uplifting and filled with "girl power." However, it falls extremely short of this goal.
My dear friends, yes, even those I do not know, be on your guard with this song! The reality we face is that our bodies are intimately connected with our souls, hearts, and minds. The idea that a man "can't have my heart and won't use my mind" yet do whatever he wants with my body without consequence is the biggest lie of our generation. Your body is the vase that holds your very essence. It is imperative that you take a stance and do not let anyone do whatever they want with your vase.
My heart hurts for our generation. After 17 years of people using my body, I can tell you that no matter how hard you try, it will damage your heart, mind, and life. You will lose your voice if you do not exercise your ability to say "NO". In no circumstance should a person allow or invite another to use their body for whatever twisted, disgusting, lustful activities.
Take guard my sisters! Be prepared to protect your bodies, hearts, and minds against the horrible views of the world. There is nothing more valuable than your body, mind, spirit, and soul. You are more precious than silver and rubies. You, yes YOU, are beautiful, exceptionally wonderful, outstandingly and perfectly YOU!!!! Do not let the views of this world ruin who you are.
If I had the power, I would have this song taken off the airways. There is simply no point in exclaiming to a man, or anyone, that he can do whatever he wants to your body. This poorly thought out song points you, my young sisters, towards a life of darkness. Avoid it with all your might.
Sincerely,
A 27 year old female determined to overcome the years spent under the physical control of others.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Only the beginning
Only the beginning
These are the words that ring so clear in my ear
Such a great work is taking place within my soul
There is only so much I can control
The Comforter is here to wipe my tears
Especially when I do not understand why they fall
Or why they consume my entire being
Only the beginning
These three words speak truth
A truth that has become a part of my daily review
Not much compares to the inner turmoil
This perfection storm that rages within
Screams filled with horrendous lies and outrageous allegations
This truth begins to calm the thunder and clear the sky
Only the beginning
Within these words, a promise lies
There is much more to this life
The darkness may seem ever present
Yet, the morning brings joy, light, new brilliance
More than I can imagine, more than my dreams can create
Waiting for me to find my way
Only the beginning
The past haunts the present
It threatens the future
but, this transformation, however small
Promises to end the past of its power
And starting today, or yesterday, or last week
Or five years ago, new life has begun
Only the beginning
The work of the Spirit never ceases to amaze me
Why would One care so deeply for me
How could I be so deserving of such patience,
Grace, love, blessing, guidance, and gentleness
It is here that I have begun my journey home
Afterall, it is only the beginning
These are the words that ring so clear in my ear
Such a great work is taking place within my soul
There is only so much I can control
The Comforter is here to wipe my tears
Especially when I do not understand why they fall
Or why they consume my entire being
Only the beginning
These three words speak truth
A truth that has become a part of my daily review
Not much compares to the inner turmoil
This perfection storm that rages within
Screams filled with horrendous lies and outrageous allegations
This truth begins to calm the thunder and clear the sky
Only the beginning
Within these words, a promise lies
There is much more to this life
The darkness may seem ever present
Yet, the morning brings joy, light, new brilliance
More than I can imagine, more than my dreams can create
Waiting for me to find my way
Only the beginning
The past haunts the present
It threatens the future
but, this transformation, however small
Promises to end the past of its power
And starting today, or yesterday, or last week
Or five years ago, new life has begun
Only the beginning
The work of the Spirit never ceases to amaze me
Why would One care so deeply for me
How could I be so deserving of such patience,
Grace, love, blessing, guidance, and gentleness
It is here that I have begun my journey home
Afterall, it is only the beginning
Saturday, September 14, 2013
scary dreams
i had a dream last night. well, I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was inside a building with my sister, who was only a child in my dream. There were people all around us. The people I remember most was this table of men who I think were supposed to be cops or security guards or something.
Then I was attacked.
This man threw me to the ground and held me face down with all of his might. He began to rape me while I had my clothes on and the pain was intense. I screamed out, begged for my sister to kick this man off me. I looked straight into the eyes of men at the nearby table as I screamed for help. They all just looked at me - watching. Their eyes hurt my soul more than this man who was actively raping me in their presence.
I'm not sure exactly what happened next, but I wiggled myself free. I kept thinking that I had to get a good look at what he was wearing and his facial features so I could tell the cops. I wasn't going to let another person rape me and get away with it. I can see this man's face well in my mind, but it's hard to describe his features. I think it was kind of a combination of many different faces.
Next, I was on the bus trying to get to the hospital. I knew I couldn't take my clothes off or shower. I had to get help. I had to have some kind of justice. I didn't know who to call. I was all alone, riding this bus in the middle of the night. I had no clue what happened to my sister. I kept wondering why those men didn't help me. They just sat there and watched the whole thing.
The dream ended with me sitting in the hospital, waiting.
--------------
It wasn't until I opened my tear filled eyes that I realized I was dreaming. I'm not exactly sure what this dream means. Although, as I type about it I'm getting certain impressions.
Clearly, when I was younger I had no one to help me from the bad things that happened. I begged myself to cry out for help but nothing ever came out. Perhaps if I had, nothing would have been done and I would've been extremely alone as a young girl. It was bad enough that the "system" didn't do its job when I did finally speak out and ask for help. I was homeless at 18 as I finished my high school career and began college. What would have happened at 13 if my cries for help were unmet? I shutter to think about what would have become of me.
Maybe this dream was to help me understand that it was okay to wait for help. But my desire to get justice was there. I knew I couldn't let another person hurt me in such awful ways and not go on to live a happy life free from any consequences.
As I wrote about the section when the man is finally off of me, I couldn't help but feel like maybe I did have help in that situation. I don't recall seeing it happen in my dream, but what if God himself helped me out from that man's power? It makes sense. God is the one who stood behind during those most troubling times and helped me break free from the physical bondage of my abuser. Why would He stop just because it's a dream? He wouldn't.
I never ended up getting justice in my dream. I just waited for help from the world that never came. Thank goodness this was only a dream because I was not looking forward to being alone during the struggle again.
I was inside a building with my sister, who was only a child in my dream. There were people all around us. The people I remember most was this table of men who I think were supposed to be cops or security guards or something.
Then I was attacked.
This man threw me to the ground and held me face down with all of his might. He began to rape me while I had my clothes on and the pain was intense. I screamed out, begged for my sister to kick this man off me. I looked straight into the eyes of men at the nearby table as I screamed for help. They all just looked at me - watching. Their eyes hurt my soul more than this man who was actively raping me in their presence.
I'm not sure exactly what happened next, but I wiggled myself free. I kept thinking that I had to get a good look at what he was wearing and his facial features so I could tell the cops. I wasn't going to let another person rape me and get away with it. I can see this man's face well in my mind, but it's hard to describe his features. I think it was kind of a combination of many different faces.
Next, I was on the bus trying to get to the hospital. I knew I couldn't take my clothes off or shower. I had to get help. I had to have some kind of justice. I didn't know who to call. I was all alone, riding this bus in the middle of the night. I had no clue what happened to my sister. I kept wondering why those men didn't help me. They just sat there and watched the whole thing.
The dream ended with me sitting in the hospital, waiting.
--------------
It wasn't until I opened my tear filled eyes that I realized I was dreaming. I'm not exactly sure what this dream means. Although, as I type about it I'm getting certain impressions.
Clearly, when I was younger I had no one to help me from the bad things that happened. I begged myself to cry out for help but nothing ever came out. Perhaps if I had, nothing would have been done and I would've been extremely alone as a young girl. It was bad enough that the "system" didn't do its job when I did finally speak out and ask for help. I was homeless at 18 as I finished my high school career and began college. What would have happened at 13 if my cries for help were unmet? I shutter to think about what would have become of me.
Maybe this dream was to help me understand that it was okay to wait for help. But my desire to get justice was there. I knew I couldn't let another person hurt me in such awful ways and not go on to live a happy life free from any consequences.
As I wrote about the section when the man is finally off of me, I couldn't help but feel like maybe I did have help in that situation. I don't recall seeing it happen in my dream, but what if God himself helped me out from that man's power? It makes sense. God is the one who stood behind during those most troubling times and helped me break free from the physical bondage of my abuser. Why would He stop just because it's a dream? He wouldn't.
I never ended up getting justice in my dream. I just waited for help from the world that never came. Thank goodness this was only a dream because I was not looking forward to being alone during the struggle again.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
An Open Letter to Mothers of Daughters
To the Mothers of Daughters:
Wow! You truly mean the world to your little princess.
To her, you are the epitome of beautiful, the very definition of woman,
and the person she will forever love.
When she is in trouble, save her.
When she gets hurt, comfort her.
When she falls down, help her up.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so fiercely that she will never doubt your feelings.
When she tells you, believe her.
When she hurts you, forgive her.
When she hates you, like her.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so deeply that she may love herself.
When she hides, seek her.
When she comes, receive her.
When she reaches, grasp her.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so completely that she doesn't seek it elsewhere.
When she is weak, be strong.
When she is afraid, be fearless.
When she is wavering, be steady.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so unconditionally that she will know she has a home.
This position in life will forever be your most important. Don't let the world influence your relationship. Be courageous and teach her to never give up. Show her how to defend herself. Be prepared for the rough road. Rejoice when the sea is calm. Press on through the storms. Most importantly: never leave her side.
Sincerely,
A daughter
Wow! You truly mean the world to your little princess.
To her, you are the epitome of beautiful, the very definition of woman,
and the person she will forever love.
When she is in trouble, save her.
When she gets hurt, comfort her.
When she falls down, help her up.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so fiercely that she will never doubt your feelings.
When she tells you, believe her.
When she hurts you, forgive her.
When she hates you, like her.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so deeply that she may love herself.
When she hides, seek her.
When she comes, receive her.
When she reaches, grasp her.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so completely that she doesn't seek it elsewhere.
When she is weak, be strong.
When she is afraid, be fearless.
When she is wavering, be steady.
Protect her. Fight for her.
Love her so unconditionally that she will know she has a home.
This position in life will forever be your most important. Don't let the world influence your relationship. Be courageous and teach her to never give up. Show her how to defend herself. Be prepared for the rough road. Rejoice when the sea is calm. Press on through the storms. Most importantly: never leave her side.
Sincerely,
A daughter
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)